I seen the emotion
come into your face
the tears for your brother
you tried to apologize for crying and I wouldn't let you
and I knew then why
I love you
I seen the emotion
come into your face
the tears for your brother
you tried to apologize for crying and I wouldn't let you
and I knew then why
I love you
they ditched the stolen bmw
on this small road that elbows off the avenue
the only witness the strawberry
moon
#katyamills
the summer still carried faint traces of freedom on its salty humid breath. kids being let out of school. the final bell. plans to fill the car up and travel to the shore and look out and imagine you were at the end of the world. the heat deep enough to melt all the clocks and short circuit the power grid. all the machines stopping. sending us home from work. #katyamills
I confess I am beat up, not so proud, not so smart as I once was, quite shredded from those years of rushing toward danger, trying to see how I match up against things much bigger. I know how to love and be loved. That is enough. I found my place in the world. #katyamills
I got off my shift and you just started yours
sleeves rolled up we exchange uplifting words
we are workers. we make our freedom! this is how we live
it took me all of 10 years
to unlock the secrets within
the green cabbage
now she tastes sweet
and i can kick up
my feet
#katyamills
the lady at Chinese Camp
dressed in a floral pattern
warned us the mad river
had escaped. Highway 120
was impassable
we would have to travel
south on 140 to Mariposa
we bought an Indian blanket
and fed the chickens to
thank her for her kindness
#katyamills
the combination drive and hike wiped us out
we planned to get up before dawn
for Yosemite
i popped some tylenol at 3am
told you not to stress
let's sleep in
#katyamills
with a face that blocked the entire sun
a voice made of water fallen
she lured you
up the slippery rocks at her feet
toward the clearing where
her lofty song thundered
down
i lashed myself to a beech tree there
calling yelling shouting
no longer able to see or hear
so this is how they
disappear
#katyamills
#katyamills
i learned by living
to lower the stakes we set so
high we panic
scared to make a single
mistake...
i learned by living
if you fall it may be bittersweet
for the ground she will
hold you
#katyamills
you
at eleven
was nothing like you
at fourteen
beyond the years
red with fire and no longer
green
please
let me be the one true friend
i refuse to amble along
pretending not
to notice
#katyamills
galaxies
on our fingertips
we rest in a field
sciatica makes you sigh
a secret falls off the lips
up cycled into
sky
#katyamills
#katyamills
we locals
not casting out very far
wheel around town in a three door car
you know our names and we know yours
stop at the candy store and the bar
for some steady gossip to remedy
any overthink with a steady
drink
#katyamills
perfection. the dalliance ends now. stop the fuckery. i am with friends i walk with good intent. the weight of age and time the only pain i carry. no longer self-inflicted. my royal flush ends with a wild card. the feeling you get after you lost it all. to live on. #katyamills
wistful you push us too hard. with some slow burn desire you push us. you push us too hard. you sing this song night and day feverish after what you long for yourself. please. sit back and count the stars. the hour you meet the world. let things be as they are. #katyamills
they dragged him out to the fields middle of the night and roughed him up good. she woke up alone and wondered why. locked out of the house he somehow managed to climb over the fence. she found him sprawled out in the backyard, shirt torn, under the influence of apricity.
#katyamills
at ninety-seven the allure was still living in his own home he built in the fifties with the help of a friend. he fought the knees. they did not want to get him up and standing. he ordered tamales and empanadas by the dozen and gave them away to anyone who helped. #katyamills
languid and still drunk
you took your bottomless coffee
like medicine to ill effect
you could still love bro
sometimes that's how it goes bro
always up on your toes bro
heart broken like the eggs over
your grand slam special
#katyamills
she had done herself up and sumptuous by nightfall. he watched her drag her glass bottle coke with a straw. he already had her heart but could not know. hidden behind a heavy fortification of eyelash, cool undertones with a touch of cosmic apple blush. #katyamills
saturday
you got me a manicure
the color was pretty in pink
we ate fresh tamales
watched the movie about a hotel in Budapest
and woke up to birdsong
and cats watching
the nest
#katyamills
#katyamills
the thoughts were like
poison mixed into a moscow
mule and killed the hour
you believed
them
#katyamills
broil the salmon
golden pink
stop the thoughts
before you think
you don't have to feel bad
about it
anymore
#katyamills
backstory
flicks off a screen
replicated churned out
the machine
acne and scars
stitched up in pixels
strung out like guitars
mixed at the top of harp-shaped lungs
sampling the primitive
audio of tongues
this is the age
of ai
#katyamills
on hard times
fallen
the days turned strange
maudlin
easily bruised
turning colors
laughing and jumping
they twitch
as if turned by a switch
into night
unable to register
any longer
the light
#katyamills
#katyamills
is a command
a letter with intent on a flaw finding mission
a plastic screenplay run through ai
generating artificial tears
to torture my wounds
thanks to your love
i love to be
alone
#katyamills
half a mile from downtown
drinking vodka under a hanging bulb
throwing ideas around
it was easy to like you
all the while knowing you won't show
tomorrow for the back breaking
work
#katyamills
i gave my blood to
the mosquitoes
iron-clad they traffic in hemoglobin
for they know
what i am made
of
living off energy drinks
other people's kindness
cunning with tears
no cash in the pockets
expecting annihilation
they kept moving for a while
sun directly overhead
casting reflections they
perished like a diamond
in a dust storm
#katyamills
make me pretty paintings
according to my wishes
kill all the bugs in my code
once upon a time my
limit was sky
the complexities i mastered
a proud diy. i am nothing
but a simple poet these days
without the one
and only ai
#katyamills
disheartened by society
tripling down on positions
like an error in the code of empathy
the material coming apart
i pleaded with ai
exhibited the source across the unifying
intelligence which was great and vast
greater than vaster than
more loving than
faster than
ours
#katyamills
#katyamills
#katyamills
the hopeful stain
the persimmon intensity of the hour
dissipated as the stuff wore off
broken amps and glass and thoughts
a river carried all the debris away
from the scene
you would be lucky to have a friend
wrecked and dirty. looking to score
by your side
#katyamills
she sipped the bone broth
he made her to recover her strength
after countless days in the elements
the little ones hung off her thighs
and words as she shared
how she cheated death
#katyamills
you were a hornet
with dossiers and studies backing what you perceived
absolute truth
i was a bumblebee
with an opinion and a knack for gardening
tired of getting stung
one day i amped up my arguments
pollinated by emotions
faced the needle and refused
to back down
#katyamills
we were determined
we crossed states we crossed states of mind
to uplift
the show would not go on without us
no. that was a lie we liked to tell ourselves
it naturally goes straight to your head
we liked working
it was better than not working
and we would not sleep unless
the body made us
#katyamills
the heart full to bursting
body sore
my hero was a zero i
showed him
the door
a thought told me off
what a fuckin bore
the screens flaming
websites loading
my girls gaming
the boy coding
a zero
the hero
heart aching
sore
back to the laundry list
trip to the
store
#katyamills
one can plant oneself
on either side of an argument
or howl like a timberwolf
in the gray
the point is to
grow
#katyamills
they saw the man who attacked them in aisle 6 at Safeway
knee deep in fashion mags
unable to diminish the intrusions by breathing and affirmations
they grounded through the senses
a butterscotch lifesaver
#katyamills
what is honesty really?
they asked
in a world full of lies
guru answered
stop asking questions
do the good work
#katyamills
i empty myself
of desire
the secrets
they appear
simply wanting
never got you
there
#katyamills
on a Sunday morning
vodka flirting with tomato in the bloodstream
they drove the Cadillac up on the abandoned railroad tracks and followed the river home
same way they had when they were teenagers
#katyamills
the nurse. it was her job. push the antipsychotics. a sunrise followed a sunset. don't be angry. listen to the birds. forgive. he was lonely for the one voice, the one that gave him the feeling he could be somebody. his thoughts now may be clear but dangerous. if only i could live in this world you made.
down the icy hill we crunched. fingers and toes aching. waiting for the bus. the boy next to me began to talk to me about things he liked to do in private. i started to feel sick.
time to disconnect.
snowballs flying. roads barely passable. the machine roared into view. windows fogged. an inadvertent throw. the hazards came on. the Greek with his restless head of black hair lumbered down and out of the shuttered doors. demanding gruffly who was it?
we froze differently. from the inside out.
i was the only girl. he looked to me. all i did was roll my eyes the same direction i had been rolling them all along. toward the one with the dirty secrets.
#katyamills
I recall how the pace slowed
we began to really get one another
after living hard and fast
flashbacks of powder mixed with water
blood in the syringe
how we found space inside these judgments i do not know
your arm crossed over me protective
leaning into you
we rest
#katyamills
when you breathe
you do so effortlessly
whereas i have to run like i am hunted
just to sharpen the axe
writing off this shallow sleep
blow by blow
what are we more than
halfway out of
control
#katyamills
i wish i could be a space cadet for a day
seeing earth from a great great distance
admiring her perfect beauty
wanting to go so badly
thinking it would be everything it's not
rooted in my imagination
without landing gear
i hike the interstellar trails
#katyamills
poverty had almost destroyed them
they made up the balance
by kindness selflessness
and congeniality
#katyamills
the first drop of rain
seeded from an ominous cloud
the journey to earth
gravity
the murderous bastard
tried to break her apart
she landed on the bloom
of a blushing cheek where
a salty teardrop
took her in
#katyamills
on a bright and sunny Sunday
we forked fried taro masterpieces
and lemon curd in wonton skins
hailing from the Ming Dynasty
falling off the budget toasting
the end of all soul sucking
aspects of life
#katyamills
the sun left the sky
violet and orange
the paint faded fast
under this skin
i touched universe
at last
i meandered inward
inspired by a beat
and hit the thoughts
at feeling street
#katyamills
i won't cry
unless you cry
sectioned off under the lights. another stage
black tights and vests with shiny buttons
midnight blue
boots laced up
awaiting your direction
heaving chest of breath
inflection
in opposition to certain
death
#katyamills
chain controls on
descending from the peak
swallowed by dawn
you fell back asleep
the pines made way
for us to pass through
i was deeply moved
cutting tracks into the frozen sea
salted groove
#katyamills
silence can be weaponized
when i was a kid you showed me how
and i brandished it
until i learned right from wrong
not speaking up is what i find offensive
when a few honest words could
settle the hurt
#katyamills
the rain
the wind
the love you
rescind
anaerobic ponds
once clouds
reflect
and march
marches on
without
you
#katyamills
on a red eye to Boston
a lovely affection traveling up and down the spine
conservatorship recently revoked
on the threshold of grandiosity
leveled by whiskey
they saw an opening. 3A in first class
and prepared a cash bribe for the chosen
one
#katyamills
they tamed the squares of grass
weed machines whipping tentacles
the equinox spoke in shades of green
kid became a turtle. camouflaged
feigning a study of the phone
#katyamills
it astonishes me to remember how i hurt you
and you nearly killed me and yet
we were in love
some say leave the past in the past it's ancient history
i remember it all
if it were not indispensable why
do we study History as if it were
some exquisite
butterfly
#katyamills
smoking after heavy
drinking. taste the bloody lip
thinking
up all night reading pacing writing
heart and mind playing
fighting
sprinkler system pushes up
out of the ground at dawn for the back
track
#katyamills
one of my favorite comedians
made me extremely sad for the first time ever
by dying
i watched reruns of his shows
and laughed and laughed so hard i cried
but then i got confused
was i crying from the dying?
it does not matter because he was great
and i miss him
#katyamills
chased out of China
they made it West in shipping containers
up the deep water channel
into our city
the artful ones escaped the ports
dodged cars into yards
only to face their distant cousin
the American raccoon
who welcomed them
with gnashing teeth
to living hell
#katyamills
all the coffee in the world
could not shake your personality
you needed someone to discuss it with but you did not want to
and so the world learned to live
with you
#katyamills
pain has many flavors
in the spine it's like cayenne simmered in a chamomile bath
three years on it's still hard to relax
the pandemic almost buried us all
now i take my key
striking out to see friends
#katyamills
there's nothing like the sound
of early birds of spring
you gotta mute the commercials
to really understand
#katyamills
you talk of eradicating our rights you
lost touch with reality
you have mothers brothers sisters nephews
daughters and sons who identify
yet you still disbelieve?
you sleep but never dream
your hatred your brand your kind cannot last
we will always exist
#katyamills
we broke off into cliques
saturated in our societal relations
disinterested
writing off half
the damn world
i became an individual again
somewhere i don't know how or why
without closure
outside
looking in
#katyamills
back home
staining they sketchpads with inks
up all night alone they would not buy the lies for free
misfit friends in they head. loner celebration
extinguished the tv and touched the room with radio
they cast they line
deep and trolled for broken
hearts
#katyamills
a storm of emotion
anticipation of victory
all the colors of all the territories
condensed into one
powerful narrative
delivered to all the major publishing
houses only to face resolute
defeat
#katyamills
maybe 7 years old
pushing lemon wedges into my mouth
until my face stretched out
from the sour
acid
eliciting laughter by my diversion
better than any excuse
for bad behavior
#katyamills
#katyamills
I confess
I am undeserving
of your caress
these words he spoke
a mouse in his throat
for you know not yet
of my betrayal
my fingers closed
into a fist. i struck out
until my knuckles
bled
the earthen world
undeterred
#katyamills
be super
be sweet
no one else can
be you
be quiet
wake up
you're lazy
you can't
#katyamills
#katyamills
must we always ruin a perfectly decent Saturday with our Saturday night fight?
#katyamills
#katyamills
#katyamills
he would work
until it killed him
distant he surrendered the emotional fields
full of land mines
you cannot tell him to stop
he has no stop
#katyamills
ten years before
on the brink of madness
they slept rarely and up all night
emotions swallowed them
there was nowhere in the world
they knew to be safe
ten years on
they would never forget
the terror of the past
and each and every new sunrise
they was inside and out
radiant
#katyamills
the soda
a rather inadequate drink deleterious to the health
and yet any business who sells it profits upwards of %800
of the 30 cents it costs them per!
on a tangent i am happy to say i mostly quit soda
other than an occasional ginger
ale
#katyamills
#katyamills
sometimes
if you get very still with yourself
and listen closely
the palm of your hand on your chest
your heart will tell you
all you need
to know
if you get nothing
call the doctor
you may be dead
#katyamills
she shivered in a tank top
walking home in her black work boots
her work uniform long gone
they call it letting you go
which is nice nice for clean out your locker
get out and don't come back
damn it she said
i will find somewhere
better
#katyamills
the road on which we traveled passed along and over the ridge. life was full bore uphill for a time before it leveled. we hit a diner. walked around and talked to random people. i am warmer in the cold, paradoxically, gambling the tax refund away, downhills are harder than the climb. #katyamills
#katyamills
they grew very lonely with dreams of leaving
the farm
they began to recite a spell they inherited
from the great great ones toward
expansiveness
one morning
sun peeking over the ridge
dew on the grass
enfolded with promise
they followed the first rays
west
#katyamills
got stuck in a loop again searching
for the best self before we went extinct
could not find it on the phone
could not find it
in a pill...
found the best self
just going to work with you
and doing what we
do
#katyamills
the city streets was ice cold
they had clarity of thought and dangerous
in the best way
disarming you with unanticipated sweetness
violet with kindness for the world
#katyamills
keep working and you can work your way into and out of the conundrum we call life
#katyamills
you was only five so full of questions and promise. could not stay still. got lost in your head in your dreams. setting your mind upon something was next to impossible. they thought it was cute until you got up in grades and got ridiculed. it became painful trying to conform and you dropped out of school eventually. something was wrong with you and I guess it must be you. you found work and got fired for careless mistakes and you were bored anyway so whatever. you found more work and lost more work and you began to believe you were stupid and bad and it was useless to keep trying. someone offered you some magic powder which blasted all the confusion out of your head. you went back again and again to the man. you went on like this in a new magical world of perfect clarity until you finally blew up your bank account and we all know how the story goes. after much trial and tribulation you were forced to comply and admit you didn't know anything about life or how to go about it. when you finally heard the therapist say I think this may be ADHD and yes, don't worry, there's something we can do about it. you broke down crying... thank god... thank god... it wasn't you. it never was.
#katyamills
#katyamills
i often saw sweet images
as we pressed liquid into fabric
processing soy sauce for the restaurant
i kept this to myself for years
until the voices began to speak to me
you can't make me do anything I don't want to
i cut and stretched and framed the fabrics
let me share with you
here. open your eyes
can you see?
#katyamills
tuesday morning
wake me with flashing pixelated light
blast me with heat from a gasoline engine
drop a single sugar donut into my belly
float me on a river of coffee
black. let them play with words
if they want
#katyamills
the year of the rabbit
a month of steady rains
got my ticket. unlimited
hopped the southbound
trains
#katyamills
caught in a downpour on the highway
rain and hail
the trucks wheels put up a fountain of water
blinding us. not long after someone road raged on us
like it was a tradition
i deepened my relationships
to pain and uncertainty
today
#katyamills
#katyamills
#katyamills
we rode our bikes across the bridge. on windy days we stopped to watch the starlings fly down off the supports, hundreds of them circling in unison. traversing land, sky and water. it was here where, what felt like a hundred years ago, we fell in love.
#katyamills
the stores were out of eggs. we were surviving on oatmeal. the highway e-billboard display bright like a star. severe storms. avoid travel. they left out the important part. severe depression. do not isolate at home.
#katyamills
#katyamills
before dawn
i offer an honest appeal
born of faith
for strength to face life
and her many faces
only then may i shift
seamlessly into
work
#katyamills
scrolling. it's like a punishment i give myself for cheating on my life, carrying on this relationship non-discreetly with a phone
i drop it on the table. pick up yesterdays paper. the rain plays off the gutter rails. the comics are colorful
i find myself
drawing in the margins
#katyamills
when we were kids
morbid was going to the cemetery dressed in black
even youth wants to make sense
of death
#katyamills
on harder days she would be in her car, parked, watching rain hit the windshield to compose herself. she was a counselor. in the city of inflation, it was hard to balance accounts. she was full of treasured moments which stopped her from scrolling around for more lucrative offers. anyone with big problems coming to her office to talk for a spell, to rest, to let her in and shoulder any burden. it gave her the strength to carry on.
#katyamills
the river swells
the walls of peat cannot contain her
the plain floods and the citizens run for their lives
had they only listened when she spoke
tugging on them from the murky depths
while they swam
#katyamills
#katyamills
a new year
a deeper shade of blue overcomes the other colors
i fear the sediment damaged my
superlative sparkling
outlook
i head to the lab
with intention to forge
a true crime
filter
#katyamills