boys cry

I seen the emotion

come into your face

the tears for your brother

you tried to apologize for crying and I wouldn't let you

and I knew then why

I love you

#katyamills

scam

surreptitiously

they wheeled up to her parked car

one seated in the chair covered up by a blanket

the other pushing

it was an age old scam 

while she dug into her purse for change

the invalid would jump up with a knife

block the open window with his arm 

threatening her life

and off with the 

spoils

#katyamills

 

off the ave

they ditched the stolen bmw

on this small road that elbows off the avenue

the only witness the strawberry

moon 

#katyamills

all the machines

the summer still carried faint traces of freedom on its salty humid breath. kids being let out of school. the final bell. plans to fill the car up and travel to the shore and look out and imagine you were at the end of the world. the heat deep enough to melt all the clocks and short circuit the power grid. all the machines stopping. sending us home from work.   #katyamills

June 1, 2023

I confess I am beat up, not so proud, not so smart as I once was, quite shredded from those years of rushing toward danger, trying to see how I match up against things much bigger. I know how to love and be loved. That is enough. I found my place in the world.  #katyamills

work is good

I got off my shift and you just started yours

sleeves rolled up we exchange uplifting words

we are workers. we make our freedom! this is how we live

it keeps us honest. work is good. it keeps us on our toes

it keeps us

#katyamills

5.30

the day before the final day 

in May we went to town hall 

it was cold and gray

we liberated the coffee from 

the crates imported and gave it 

all away. Main Street turned blue 

burners on. nothing left to do

but have a cup and tell stories 

like the man whose home was unmoored

in a storm and floated away

chased out on the final sun ray 

second to last day 

in May

#katyamills

sweet from bitter

it took me all of 10 years 

to unlock the secrets within 

the green cabbage 

now she tastes sweet

and i can kick up 

my feet   

#katyamills

Yosemite in May

the lady at Chinese Camp

dressed in a floral pattern

warned us the mad river 

had escaped. Highway 120

was impassable

we would have to travel

south on 140 to Mariposa

we bought an Indian blanket

and fed the chickens to 

thank her for her kindness

#katyamills

Sonora, CA

the combination drive and hike wiped us out 

we planned to get up before dawn 

for Yosemite

i popped some tylenol at 3am

told you not to stress

let's sleep in

#katyamills

disappearance

with a face that blocked the entire sun

a voice made of water fallen

she lured you 

up the slippery rocks at her feet

toward the clearing where 

her lofty song thundered 

down

i lashed myself to a beech tree there 

calling yelling shouting

no longer able to see or hear 

so this is how they 

disappear

#katyamills

Merced River

we follow her twisting frothy madness north by Highway 49. roar ascending like a stadium crowd at the south fork. her banks filled to the brim with snow transmuted by the sun and rushing off the peaks. what's left of the wildest winter. our spirits rise to her

#katyamills

high stakes

i learned by living

to lower the stakes we set so 

high we panic

scared to make a single

mistake...

i learned by living

if you fall it may be bittersweet

for the ground she will

hold you

#katyamills

the one true friend

you

at eleven

was nothing like you 

at fourteen

beyond the years

red with fire and no longer 

green

please 

let me be the one true friend

i refuse to amble along

pretending not

to notice

#katyamills

the licks

in the city of your dreams

scurry the serpentine back road black 

top beauty. an ice cream snowball 

crashes into your knee a

natural painkiller

for all the licks

#katyamills

nails

i am taken

flecked with silver and shimmering

hands clasped around your neck

wearing the forever coat of nails

you made me

i wanna kill the ones who made the internet

sometimes. for drawing me away from you 

to careless icy screens

 

#katyamills

the living daylights

out of bars

out of cars

they got kicked

(they got scars)

out of class

been harassed

off of trains

in the head out of bed in the dark

the living daylights extinguished

off and on like an electrical short

some say

they made hard living look

lissome

#katyamills

give a secret to the sky

galaxies 

on our fingertips

we rest in a field

sciatica makes you sigh

a secret falls off the lips

up cycled into

sky

#katyamills

world of uncertainty

sleepy dreaming. sonorous was locked in the body. anarchy in there. i coaxed it out with a mission into this world of uncertainty. a sonic boom. everyone dropped their phones in unison. aware of dead time. exfoliated the cells. once that wore off we were super fierce

#katyamills

locals

we locals

not casting out very far

wheel around town in a three door car

you know our names and we know yours

stop at the candy store and the bar

for some steady gossip to remedy 

any overthink with a steady

drink

 #katyamills

wild card

perfection. the dalliance ends now. stop the fuckery. i am with friends i walk with good intent. the weight of age and time the only pain i carry. no longer self-inflicted. my royal flush ends with a wild card. the feeling you get after you lost it all. to live on.   #katyamills

the hour you meet the world

wistful you push us too hard. with some slow burn desire you push us. you push us too hard. you sing this song night and day feverish after what you long for yourself. please. sit back and count the stars. the hour you meet the world. let things be as they are.  #katyamills

what was and ceased to be

they dragged him out to the fields middle of the night and roughed him up good. she woke up alone and wondered why. locked out of the house he somehow managed to climb over the fence. she found him sprawled out in the backyard, shirt torn, under the influence of apricity. 

#katyamills

97

at ninety-seven the allure was still living in his own home he built in the fifties with the help of a friend. he fought the knees. they did not want to get him up and standing. he ordered tamales and empanadas by the dozen and gave them away to anyone who helped.    #katyamills

bro

languid and still drunk

you took your bottomless coffee

like medicine to ill effect

you could still love bro

sometimes that's how it goes bro

always up on your toes bro

heart broken like the eggs over 

your grand slam special

#katyamills

heart of glass

she had done herself up and sumptuous by nightfall. he watched her drag her glass bottle coke with a straw. he already had her heart but could not know. hidden behind a heavy fortification of eyelash, cool undertones with a touch of cosmic apple blush. #katyamills

boba 15

all we had left besides

blurry screen smudged vision and apocalyptic climate heads 

was the kindness we shared over a smashing boba tea 

in twenty twenty three

#katyamills

may 14

saturday 

you got me a manicure

the color was pretty in pink 

we ate fresh tamales

watched the movie about a hotel in Budapest

and woke up to birdsong

and cats watching 

the nest

#katyamills

#katyamills

may 9

the thoughts were like 

poison mixed into a moscow

mule and killed the hour

you believed 

them 

#katyamills

b4 u think

broil the salmon 

golden pink

stop the thoughts

before you think

you don't have to feel bad 

about it

anymore

#katyamills

audio of tongues

backstory

flicks off a screen 

replicated churned out 

the machine 

acne and scars 

stitched up in pixels 

strung out like guitars 

mixed at the top of harp-shaped lungs 

sampling the primitive 

audio of tongues 

this is the age 

of ai

#katyamills

unfashionably

the zillion cheers Hip Hip

Hooray in the murky gray 

of the UK

super uneasy

reluctant with scepter and orb

out of total fashion

in the year twenty 

twenty three

a new King 

takes the 

crown

#katyamills

night so strange

on hard times

fallen

the days turned strange

maudlin

easily bruised

turning colors 

laughing and jumping

they twitch

as if turned by a switch 

into night

unable to register

any longer

the light 

#katyamills

less than likely

we watch the kids

play pinball at the city arcade
selecting broad beans for our coronation
quiche. the lands we lived on
shaped us. it had nothing to do with sex
get the mind out of the gutter
ball. the clothes cling to our body
and the line in the garden

closing the book over the mark 

we go to sleep

#katyamills

finish

I line my eyelids

with a metal finish

the day begins with words

from an interior 

space. a common life i have

formed by various pressures and forces

lucky with freedom wishing

to be a light to show 

a way out of the darkness

to any lost soul

i line my eyelids

a silver finish

#katyamills

your love

is a command

a letter with intent on a flaw finding mission

a plastic screenplay run through ai

generating artificial tears

to torture my wounds

thanks to your love

i love to be 

alone

#katyamills

cinco

my heart 

scarred by daggers

lodged with bullets

sensuous

beats on

#katyamills

ABCD E

half a mile from downtown

drinking vodka under a hanging bulb

throwing ideas around 

it was easy to like you

all the while knowing you won't show

tomorrow for the back breaking

work

#katyamills

iron.clad

i gave my blood to

the mosquitoes 

iron-clad they traffic in hemoglobin

for they know

what i am made

of

#katyamills

ok being ok

i flew a drone up high 

to get an eye from 

the sky i

put an iron track 

down to reach the town 

butter and cream on 

an engine pushing 

steam 

we ate potatoes 

with tomatoes and began 

to sing

#katyamills

MayDay

i wanna ditch these streets
for the soft touch. an endless forest
these days have passed
awakened by your voice
i cannot find my way back
i wanna chorus of crickets
the only knock upon door a woodpecker
where my money don't matter
sustenance to lift by roots
from earth

#katyamills 

diamond in a dust storm

living off energy drinks 

other people's kindness

cunning with tears

no cash in the pockets 

expecting annihilation

they kept moving for a while

sun directly overhead

casting reflections they

perished like a diamond

in a dust storm

#katyamills

diai

make me pretty paintings 

according to my wishes

kill all the bugs in my code

once upon a time my

limit was sky

the complexities i mastered

a proud diy. i am nothing

but a simple poet these days

without the one 

and only ai

#katyamills

AI:2027

disheartened by society

tripling down on positions

like an error in the code of empathy

the material coming apart

i pleaded with ai

exhibited the source across the unifying

intelligence which was great and vast

greater than vaster than 

more loving than

faster than 

ours

#katyamills 

still waters run

snow 

rain 

heat

sun

still waters

run

run

#katyamills

beat replete

the night got pretty tense
nothing i could do but watch them kick the tar out of you pushed up against the fence

no cameras watching
predated social media
they copped our rights


we helped us home
beat and replete. compassion
stemmed the blood
knowing we survived
even more alive

drawing smoke
we fell into the loving embrace
of furniture

#katyamills

fuel (the imagination)

my body covered in
fossil fuels
i stand above the giant canvas
charcoal and oils
exhausted


framed
behind glass
relics of my imagination


they will never burn
into the deep blue
sky

#katyamills

e.motional come down

the hopeful stain 

the persimmon intensity of the hour

dissipated as the stuff wore off

broken amps and glass and thoughts 

a river carried all the debris away

from the scene

you would be lucky to have a friend 

wrecked and dirty. looking to score

by your side

#katyamills

cheated death

she sipped the bone broth

he made her to recover her strength

after countless days in the elements 

the little ones hung off her thighs

and words as she shared

how she cheated death 

#katyamills

April flowers

you were a hornet

with dossiers and studies backing what you perceived

absolute truth

i was a bumblebee 

with an opinion and a knack for gardening

tired of getting stung

one day i amped up my arguments

pollinated by emotions

faced the needle and refused

to back down

#katyamills  

foxy

the cars out scouting and thirsting for gas. every day the same. i boiled the water, prepared the grounds, and poured our mugs full. fire us up and good for what we got ahead. eyes brightening. here's a hug the size of California. stay foxy.  #katyamills

a dedicated energy

we were determined 

we crossed states we crossed states of mind

to uplift

the show would not go on without us 

no. that was a lie we liked to tell ourselves 

it naturally goes straight to your head

we liked working

it was better than not working

and we would not sleep unless

the body made us

#katyamills

hero was a zero

the heart full to bursting 

body sore

my hero was a zero i

showed him

the door

a thought told me off

what a fuckin bore

the screens flaming

websites loading

my girls gaming

the boy coding

a zero 

the hero

heart aching 

sore

back to the laundry list

trip to the

store

#katyamills

timberwolf

one can plant oneself

on either side of an argument

or howl like a timberwolf

in the gray

the point is to

grow

#katyamills

q butterscotch

they saw the man who attacked them in aisle 6 at Safeway

knee deep in fashion mags

unable to diminish the intrusions by breathing and affirmations

they grounded through the senses

a butterscotch lifesaver

#katyamills

guru 1

what is honesty really? 

they asked 

in a world full of lies

guru answered

stop asking questions 

do the good work 

#katyamills

on a 1958 interview with Pearl Buck

The narrow mindedness of 1958 American media mentality can be clearly seen in interviews conducted by the gold standard bearers of the time, smoking Parliaments, talking to women like Pearl Buck, winner of the Nobel Prize for literature. Rather than base his interview on the masterful storytelling, the themes she covers and how she was able to write such captivating work, Mike Wallace focuses on clarifying her position on the role of the American woman in her family and community, and in relation to her man. She was diplomatic. If she were living today, and interviewed this way, she could sincerely have told him to fuck off.   #katyamills

four nine

i empty myself 

of desire

the secrets

they appear

simply wanting 

never got you 

there

#katyamills

vod.ka

on a Sunday morning

vodka flirting with tomato in the bloodstream

they drove the Cadillac up on the abandoned railroad tracks and followed the river home

same way they had when they were teenagers

   #katyamills

done away

the sun 

did away with darkness

shadows scrambled to hide beneath trees

the rivers 

made by mountains

broke out and flooded the land

up on our toes

the waters circling our ankles

we reached to meet the sky

and hastened to create 

for we would not be

done away

#katyamills

thread

the book got picked up

that profits might grow

it was easy on the head

inanimate characters

dressed up in royalty streams

we completely lost

the thread

#katyamills

absence of voices

the nurse. it was her job. push the antipsychotics. a sunrise followed a sunset. don't be angry. listen to the birds. forgive. he was lonely for the one voice, the one that gave him the feeling he could be somebody. his thoughts now may be clear but dangerous. if only i could live in this world you made.

 #katyamills

pink on pink

you gave 

your wet nose 

to my fingertip

to cajole the catnip

mouse

#katyamills

never fold

bronze silver

copper and gold

follow your heart

never fold

#katyamills

eye rolls

down the icy hill we crunched. fingers and toes aching. waiting for the bus. the boy next to me began to talk to me about things he liked to do in private. i started to feel sick.

 time to disconnect.

snowballs flying. roads barely passable. the machine roared into view. windows fogged. an inadvertent throw. the hazards came on. the Greek with his restless head of black hair lumbered down and out of the shuttered doors. demanding gruffly who was it? 

we froze differently. from the inside out.

i was the only girl. he looked to me. all i did was roll my eyes the same direction i had been rolling them all along. toward the one with the dirty secrets.  

#katyamills

multi.storied

I recall how the pace slowed 

we began to really get one another

after living hard and fast

flashbacks of powder mixed with water

blood in the syringe

how we found space inside these judgments i do not know 

your arm crossed over me protective

leaning into you

we rest 

#katyamills

more than halfway out of control

 

when you breathe 

you do so effortlessly

whereas i have to run like i am hunted 

just to sharpen the axe

writing off this shallow sleep

blow by blow

what are we more than 

halfway out of

control

#katyamills

vaca to the earth

i wish i could be a space cadet for a day

seeing earth from a great great distance 

admiring her perfect beauty

wanting to go so badly 

thinking it would be everything it's not

rooted in my imagination

without landing gear 

i hike the interstellar trails

#katyamills

4.4

poverty had almost destroyed them

they made up the balance

by kindness selflessness

and congeniality

#katyamills

bloom

 

the first drop of rain

seeded from an ominous cloud

the journey to earth

gravity

the murderous bastard

tried to break her apart 

she landed on the bloom 

of a blushing cheek where

a salty teardrop 

took her in   

#katyamills

Ming Dynasty

on a bright and sunny Sunday

we forked fried taro masterpieces

and lemon curd in wonton skins 

hailing from the Ming Dynasty

falling off the budget toasting 

the end of all soul sucking 

aspects of life

#katyamills

thought. at feeling street

the sun left the sky

violet and orange 

the paint faded fast

under this skin

i touched universe

at last

i meandered inward 

inspired by a beat

and hit the thoughts

at feeling street

#katyamills

cry

 

i won't cry 

unless you cry 

sectioned off under the lights. another stage

black tights and vests with shiny buttons

midnight blue

boots laced up 

awaiting your direction 

heaving chest of breath

inflection

in opposition to certain

death

#katyamills

chains

chain controls on

descending from the peak

swallowed by dawn 

you fell back asleep

the pines made way 

for us to pass through

i was deeply moved

cutting tracks into the frozen sea

salted groove

#katyamills

silent treatment

silence can be weaponized

when i was a kid you showed me how

and i brandished it

until i learned right from wrong 

not speaking up is what i find offensive

when a few honest words could 

settle the hurt

#katyamills

march marches on

the rain

the wind

the love you

rescind

anaerobic ponds

once clouds 

reflect 

and march 

marches on

without 

you

#katyamills

grand.io.sity

on a red eye to Boston

a lovely affection traveling up and down the spine

conservatorship recently revoked 

on the threshold of grandiosity

leveled by whiskey 

they saw an opening. 3A in first class

and prepared a cash bribe for the chosen

one

#katyamills

equi.nox

they tamed the squares of grass

weed machines whipping tentacles 

the equinox spoke in shades of green

kid became a turtle. camouflaged

feigning a study of the phone

#katyamills

remember it all

it astonishes me to remember how i hurt you

and you nearly killed me and yet

we were in love

some say leave the past in the past it's ancient history

i remember it all

if it were not indispensable why 

do we study History as if it were

some exquisite 

butterfly

#katyamills

memory #141

smoking after heavy 

drinking. taste the bloody lip

thinking

up all night reading pacing writing

heart and mind playing

fighting

sprinkler system pushes up

out of the ground at dawn for the back 

track

#katyamills  

death of a comedian

one of my favorite comedians 

made me extremely sad for the first time ever

by dying

i watched reruns of his shows

and laughed and laughed so hard i cried

but then i got confused

was i crying from the dying?

it does not matter because he was great 

and i miss him

#katyamills

raccoon (dogs)

chased out of China 

they made it West in shipping containers

up the deep water channel

into our city

the artful ones escaped the ports

dodged cars into yards

only to face their distant cousin

the American raccoon

who welcomed them 

with gnashing teeth

to living hell

#katyamills

dis.orders

all the coffee in the world 

could not shake your personality

you needed someone to discuss it with but you did not want to

and so the world learned to live

with you

#katyamills

three years on

pain has many flavors

in the spine it's like cayenne simmered in a chamomile bath

three years on it's still hard to relax

the pandemic almost buried us all

now i take my key 

striking out to see friends

#katyamills

set 4 self destruct

my life was self destruct set into slow motion

my tailor drug and drink

subgenre rebellion 

in the age of deconstruction

the undercurrent identity

for it would never be okay 

to not be who i knew 

i was

#katyamills

press mute

there's nothing like the sound

of early birds of spring 

you gotta mute the commercials

to really understand

#katyamills

phobic

you talk of eradicating our rights you

lost touch with reality

you have mothers brothers sisters nephews

daughters and sons who identify

yet you still disbelieve? 

you sleep but never dream

your hatred your brand your kind cannot last

we will always exist 

#katyamills

even steven

they don't really know what they
are doing


forgot all the things you said
to help them understand

the sun will shine again
your honey will love you
through anything

and when you put on your uniform
and go to work

all will even out
like cream stirred into
coffee

#katyamills

don't know where or why or how

we broke off into cliques

saturated in our societal relations

disinterested

writing off half 

the damn world

i became an individual again

somewhere i don't know how or why 

without closure 

outside

looking in

#katyamills

 

go fish

back home 

staining they sketchpads with inks

up all night alone they would not buy the lies for free

misfit friends in they head. loner celebration

extinguished the tv and touched the room with radio

they cast they line 

deep and trolled for broken

hearts

#katyamills

1983

our senses gone

an unbroken dawn 

cracks and poaches its whites by the sea

the folding of time into the sun and elements 

overexposed the same

no one to blame 

adventure magnificent and tragic 

we will never love like that 

again

#katyamills

different now

now i am having the adverse reaction to tv. i am different from you. now restless in the sleep. now pursuing some dream. now i am indifferent, locked without key. now sitting still. meditating. what looks like peace… it is an illusion

#katyamills

2001 karma reel

i paid you a fair wage to help paint these walls
when you overdosed we could not wake you
firefighters empowered to slap you into consciousness
high on heroin with money you stole from me
when i figured it all out i was blazing mad
but thanked god for sparing your life

#katyamills

slush piles

a storm of emotion

anticipation of victory

all the colors of all the territories

condensed into one

powerful narrative

delivered to all the major publishing 

houses only to face resolute

defeat

#katyamills

lemon

maybe 7 years old 

pushing lemon wedges into my mouth 

until my face stretched out

from the sour 

acid

eliciting laughter by my diversion

better than any excuse 

for bad behavior

#katyamills

selfless.ly

you and your force
of opinions


on any other day i indulge
in distant lands 
dive into RPGs and mobile
phones


today i laugh


selflessly plunging into
the vortex behind those
honey cambered
eyes

#katyamills

earthen world

I confess 

I am undeserving

of your caress 

these words he spoke 

a mouse in his throat

for you know not yet

of my betrayal 

my fingers closed 

into a fist. i struck out 

until my knuckles

bled

the earthen world

undeterred

#katyamills

2.28.23

the last light 

of an abbreviated month 

appeared in rain 

falling like whispers
from the sky 

#katyamills

sy.nap.se

there are days

where i am so pulled so stretched

to the synapses

give me ten minutes of rest

sunk in those spaces

recharged by chemical

reactions

#katyamills

sav.asana

deep in dead body pose

you never felt so alive

letting the exhalations wander 

out into space

with compassion 

for all

#katyamills

opposing voices

be super

be sweet

no one else can

be you

be quiet

wake up

you're lazy

you can't 

#katyamills

there is no safe

you wanted me
to be soft and sweet. safe
but i came out all hard
and tough to swallow

you broke your teeth
on me. tasted blood

i left the leash and collar
snagged upon your
fence. i ran with all i
got. body mind spirit
guts

#katyamills

night fight

must we always ruin a perfectly decent Saturday with our Saturday night fight?

#katyamills

Ofa!

how
with your laughing spirit you
left earth last year. i would travel great distances to meet you but not that far (not yet)
and thank god you are here in my heart
and reflections of you
in your family and even random
spirits i cross

#katyamills

2.27.23

i saw a mom hug her kid
not wanting to let go


a bird in a tree
cheerful with #incomplete song


i saw a runaway
making a break for it


2 dobermans overlooking a wall
sniffing out the commotion


life is like a sentence. unedited
unblemished


running on and on
and on

#katyamills

2.19.23

i still wanted to believe

i saw the good die young

and the others live long and untroubled

circumstance like a thief

had snatched my faith away

prayer became senseless without it

i never stopped wanting to believe

and so i learned to ask only

that my faith be restored

and it was

 

#katyamills

love in the delta

the tomato harvest ending
he got stabbed in the ribs
stepping in to help a friend
at the dance


the pain in his heart made the wound
meaningless. he feared he would not
see her again


camp broke up
he steeled himself for fate
up river she came to release him
too late

#katyamills

 

stop

he would work

until it killed him

distant he surrendered the emotional fields 

full of land mines 

you cannot tell him to stop

he has no stop

#katyamills

dec.ade

 ten years before

on the brink of madness

they slept rarely and up all night

emotions swallowed them 

there was nowhere in the world

they knew to be safe 

ten years on

they would never forget

the terror of the past

and each and every new sunrise 

they was inside and out

radiant

#katyamills

soda profits

the soda

a rather inadequate drink deleterious to the health

and yet any business who sells it profits upwards of %800

of the 30 cents it costs them per!

on a tangent i am happy to say i mostly quit soda

other than an occasional ginger 

ale

#katyamills

the meaning manufacturing plant

we have our grave differences
crashing around these rooms
we speak as though what we believe were facts


no. they are just opinions
packaged by the meaning manufacturing plant


i would be sincere. acknowledge the power
the thoughts have over us
and love you just the same

#katyamills

Nevada morning

24 floors up encircled by a mountain range
dipped in snow

i was looking down on the streets by

the old Cal Neva. drunks and construction workers

walking the streets. cold dawn

you were watching bad chad on the tele
hunting junkyards for a contracted car

i stretched yawned tumbled on 

down to the lobby 4 my first cup of coffee

time to weld a chassis to this frame 

and get back in 

the game

#katyamills

dead or alive

sometimes

if you get very still with yourself

and listen closely

the palm of your hand on your chest

your heart will tell you

all you need 

to know

if you get nothing

call the doctor

you may be dead

#katyamills

gen z meets recession

she shivered in a tank top 

walking home in her black work boots

her work uniform long gone

they call it letting you go

which is nice nice for clean out your locker

get out and don't come back

damn it  she said

i will find somewhere 

better

#katyamills

downhills

the road on which we traveled passed along and over the ridge. life was full bore uphill for a time before it leveled. we hit a diner. walked around and talked to random people. i am warmer in the cold, paradoxically, gambling the tax refund away, downhills are harder than the climb.  #katyamills

2.9

we set out. the sun was high in the sky. denver omelettes and coffee. we put chains on and headed up the mountain. you were chewing on jerky, i played with the chain on my neck as we talked it all out. the rivers were mighty carrying snow and dead skin down to the valley.

#katyamills

connex

you got some new clothes

eyebrows threaded for the occasion

watching two films at once

(flashbacks included) at the movies

when you fell off the pulse

you had access to the words to ask him

for kindness please and promulgate

the connection

#katyamills

spell of expansiveness

they grew very lonely with dreams of leaving 

the farm

they began to recite a spell they inherited

from the great great ones toward

expansiveness

one morning

sun peeking over the ridge

dew on the grass

enfolded with promise

they followed the first rays

west

#katyamills

2 work

got stuck in a loop again searching 

for the best self before we went extinct

could not find it on the phone

could not find it 

in a pill... 

found the best self

just going to work with you

and doing what we

do

#katyamills

sweet.ness

the city streets was ice cold

they had clarity of thought and dangerous 

in the best way

disarming you with unanticipated sweetness

violet with kindness for the world 

#katyamills

co.nun.drum

keep working and you can work your way into and out of the conundrum we call life 

#katyamills

bodhichitta

they watched true crime

not because they liked suffering

they watched to awaken the compassion

toward all who suffer

#katyamills

undiagnosed ADHD

you was only five so full of questions and promise. could not stay still. got lost in your head in your dreams. setting your mind upon something was next to impossible. they thought it was cute until you got up in grades and got ridiculed. it became painful trying to conform and you dropped out of school eventually. something was wrong with you and I guess it must be you. you found work and got fired for careless mistakes and you were bored anyway so whatever. you found more work and lost more work and you began to believe you were stupid and bad and it was useless to keep trying. someone offered you some magic powder which blasted all the confusion out of your head. you went back again and again to the man. you went on like this in a new magical world of perfect clarity until you finally blew up your bank account and we all know how the story goes. after much trial and tribulation you were forced to comply and admit you didn't know anything about life or how to go about it. when you finally heard the therapist say I think this may be ADHD and yes, don't worry, there's something we can do about it. you broke down crying... thank god... thank god... it wasn't you. it never was. 

#katyamills

felt pretty bad being alive and all

an accident stopped them from running around 

trying to hustle up enough money as they had done their whole life

they listened to all the yearning all the reaching 

inside it was like a waterfall

they got to see what was underneath 

all this ruthless behavior

it felt pretty bad but not as bad as the broken bones

they let the water pound them into oblivion

a lightness overcame them 

no longer a body

a spirit

#katyamills

fifty

they got down on the boy 

it was easy

to be unkind

looking through 

the fear lens

drilled into him 

day after day

like newspaper

pressed with ink 

and what about 

abundance?

give it 50 spins 

around the sun 

he shut down the

press. for good

i can feel

i can help

i can finally live

#katyamills

soft wish

a single striped candle. a blazing light

i make a soft wish

he sings to me only once a year

and i adore him

#katyamills

seconds

you had to fumble for a little hope in the darkest places and thread it and stitch fragments together. the absence of hope made you care about it more. there were other ways to feel and not to feel and i wanted to know them all. #katyamills

seconds 2

you put up the impenetrable walls without even thinking. drinking at bars was a way to take a sledgehammer to them but you couldn't break through. passing a joint around a circle of friends maybe. some artificial light cutting into the night. but if you really want some sunshine you gotta take them apart brick by brick. you gotta be longing for it. badly  #katyamills

any american

like any american

she was in debt

in the wealthiest country in the world

pressing the last bit out toothpaste out of the roll

easy with cash 

when she was drunk

#katyamills

ph phrenia

i often saw sweet images 

as we pressed liquid into fabric

processing soy sauce for the restaurant

i kept this to myself for years 

until the voices began to speak to me 

you can't make me do anything I don't want to

i cut and stretched and framed the fabrics 

let me share with you

here. open your eyes

can you see?

#katyamills

upon waking. tuesday morning

tuesday morning

wake me with flashing pixelated light

blast me with heat from a gasoline engine

drop a single sugar donut into my belly

float me on a river of coffee 

black. let them play with words 

if they want 

#katyamills

wanted

they was being themselves

and they got told they was not okay

that way

this is how it is for us

this is why we stick together

so when they ask us to be someone

for them

we can say hell no

and go somewhere where we

are wanted

#katyamills

corazón

she paints her face

throwing knives at cutting boards

for the little creatures

she attacks dirt grease cobwebs until very late at night

when the narcissistic monster comes home 

demanding of her

the heart of a fighter she

billows her skirt 

shows her teeth

#katyamills

the the the stuff

my doppelgänger

fell for a car and a home. a washer and a dryer

years of not caring much about stuff and now

she does

when i inquired about the change of heart

she answered people die on the streets with nothing

why should we go out like that?

she does whatever she wants 

and now i think...

i like stuff

don't really know why and not sure i care

i like stuff

#katyamills

mega terf monster

will i see a mega terf monster

barking up the twitter tree

better get some bear spray just in case

or turn my iPhone into a strobe light

those who come without a phone

cannot take the throne

#katyamills

one two four liquor store

we had much to discuss

across from the liquor store

on a Friday night

gay icons

boba milk tea

lotto tickets

yellow curry

therapy

watching drunks

in the shadow of the 

marquee

#katyamills

year of the rabbit

the year of the rabbit

a month of steady rains

got my ticket. unlimited 

hopped the southbound

trains

#katyamills

un.caring

you may not feel the world 

so uncaring

if you place yourself in it

caring

#katyamills

tradition

caught in a downpour on the highway

rain and hail

the trucks wheels put up a fountain of water

blinding us. not long after someone road raged on us

like it was a tradition

i deepened my relationships 

to pain and uncertainty

today

#katyamills

January 16

behind us the sun
setting the storm clouds threatening 

the east

a full rainbow beams impossibly
across the sky

my thoughts
turn to the daughter
of the king

wishing they may be 

reunited

#katyamills

on the banks of the American River

after the storms
he came out swinging
cutting chips off a hackberry with his axe
to feed the smoky fire

the whole park deluged. camp sites underwater
tents ripped up off their moorings

the sky turned orange
all his strength in his arms
he came out swinging for
the comrades

#katyamills

love. circling

we rode our bikes across the bridge. on windy days we stopped to watch the starlings fly down off the supports, hundreds of them circling in unison. traversing land, sky and water. it was here where, what felt like a hundred years ago, we fell in love.  

  #katyamills

wicked sweet

i am butchering Spanish. i know it makes you laugh. reading the recipe on the back of Betty Crocker's oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. she wasn't even really extant, BC. they made her up to sell sugar. all that's left is to crack this egg and have you at the belly. how wicked. how sweet.  

#katyamills 

one one four. lost

walmart. 8am. a man in the parking lot sells tamales out of the trunk of his car under a green and red striped umbrella. neither of us won the mega millions last night. soon I am #lost in the aisles in my thoughts.  

#katyamills

isolation bad

the stores were out of eggs. we were surviving on oatmeal. the highway e-billboard display bright like a star. severe storms. avoid travel. they left out the important part. severe depression. do not isolate at home. 

#katyamills

day 1

what you never thought 

would happen will happen 

this day

get out of bed

first

#katyamills

the tragically un.inspired

left in the dark one gloomy windy night
perpetrated by a climate change event
chance poses as terrible circumstance
to contend with the untouched material
at the core of anyone falling in the
common class the tragically
uninspired

#katyamills

shift

before dawn

i offer an honest appeal

born of faith

for strength to face life

and her many faces

only then may i shift

seamlessly into

work

#katyamills

yesterdays paper

scrolling. it's like a punishment i give myself for cheating on my life, carrying on this relationship non-discreetly with a phone

i drop it on the table. pick up yesterdays paper. the rain plays off the gutter rails. the comics are colorful

i find myself

drawing in the margins

#katyamills

one seven

when we were kids 

morbid was going to the cemetery dressed in black

even youth wants to make sense 

of death

#katyamills

 

treasure

on harder days she would be in her car, parked, watching rain hit the windshield to compose herself. she was a counselor. in the city of inflation, it was hard to balance accounts. she was full of treasured moments which stopped her from scrolling around for more lucrative offers. anyone with big problems coming to her office to talk for a spell, to rest, to let her in and shoulder any burden. it gave her the strength to carry on.

#katyamills

one five

the river swells

the walls of peat cannot contain her

the plain floods and the citizens run for their lives 

had they only listened when she spoke

tugging on them from the murky depths 

while they swam  

#katyamills

the runaway

no longer could they be held

the most lonesome note you ever heard 

drifted off the deepest bottom of a breath

the first hours walking the streets 

searching for a place to call home

#katyamills

at the pinball hall of fame

two hours

on the same and single quarter

she was generous she had us
in the twilight zone

finally we introduced to her
a disheartened boy
taken by gravity
pockets empty

the silver ball

pushed on the pin

he pulled back on the coil

fired her into play

we watched them fall
in love

#katyamills

cyclone

on a windy night 

in Sacramento

a massive tree fell and took down the power lines

several blocks are out

now we light the candles and listen

to our heartbeats and the storm

and the rain

#katyamills

true crime sediment

a new year

a deeper shade of blue overcomes the other colors

i fear the sediment damaged my

superlative sparkling 

outlook

i head to the lab 

with intention to forge 

a true crime 

filter

#katyamills