tea nye green

i spiked the sugars

in my #blood 

revisited the past 

crushed on strangers 

with a tall green iced tea 

this day the last 

of the year 

in a local 

café

#katyamills

depravity?

she woke with body and headaches. depravity was not the cause. a heavy rain. and nothing a strong cup of coffee could not eradicate.   #katyamills

stride.nt

strident you wanted me to know how it was to live through the hardest times. i wanted to listen i want to know but can you slow down please you are scaring the cats 

#katyamills

the green bridge

there was a man who appeared to reside on the green bridge these past several months. often seated, his back against a bolted cross, facing southwest toward the confluence of rivers. with drink and belongings in packs. for months now any time i passed we signaled. yesterday (on my approach) i became excited to wish him well for the new year but he was gone. i looked down through the gaps in the rail. the waters swollen brown with mud and runoff from the hills. and wished him well regardless.  #katyamills

December. Central Valley, California

December. Central Valley, California. I have a need that defies reason that beckons like these fields we cross at eighty miles an hour in the afternoon, dug into channels of upturned soil, the rows of planted seeds as far as the eye sees, to get lost and make meaning in these worlds of words.   #katyamills

23,000 steps

we are inside a pyramid, light show on the wall. a solo horn feels its way into our hearts. the kids all look spaced. we are in our hotel room on the 15th floor and i slide the curtains open. sky meets mountain in a ragged line becoming more defined. pulled up to perpendiculars by the various hotels. the Westin, MGM Grand, the Hilton, the Platinum. our time here is ending after 23,000 steps. what will 2024 be like? i promise to be the same. someone who you can rely on.  #katyamills

you can!

to all creators out there. the word cannot exits the vocabulary today. no one else knows the world the way you do. get into your work. go deep. heart and soul. blood sweat and tears. then when your intuition tells you it's ready, publish it. you can!   #katyamills

Vegas = love

a planet hit the ground just off the Strip this morning and still spinning. we are gambling within moderation and - go figure - not winning. made a friend from Miami who swears they won't go back to Florida. i get it. kids in euphoria circle the tired parents. we wait for the shift change outside the AMPM at the cross of Flamingo and Formula 1. need coffee making love and the sun. a woman from Indiana with her daughter celebrating turning twenty-one.   #katyamills

mishmash mishmash

open country Nevada

sunrise to sunset yesterday just driving with you by my side

can we sort the static the convoluted mishmash?

get back to simplicity of deserts

mountain ranges and sweet old songs 

rolling off our happy tongues

#katyamills

hither.to.the.mountains

hitherto working a solid 40 for 51 straight weeks they received the annual holiday bonus with gratitude and headed to the mountains to close out a great year.     #katyamills

taste.less

the kitsch flaunting of pride coupled with power, privilege and lies, hit the wall when constitutional law, unassailable, invoked the fourteenth amendment.    #katyamills

no.18

 in those years

we fought in earnest

for right and wrong

we hated to think 

the one we loved

could betray us

it was not them it was

our thoughts

#katyamills

tanta.mount

you can be writing a story that will resound with millions some day yet be completely alone in the telling. the two may be tantamount. coexisting.

#katyamills

no.17

while out exploring we covered every square inch and you said it's over let's go home there's nothing left to see. hungry and starved i fell down on my knees and went within and there i found a million miles more.  #katyamills

un.loved

she wanted answers but there weren't any, you just had to press on. she had an urge to call up and bitch out the distributor, the manufacturer, the mayor, anybody. all she had left in the cupboard was a sleeve of saltine crackers and even they had taken on air. i am all the books and am/fm radios dying for reception on the shelves. life flies by and you cannot catch her on the internet. she felt dead inside. inflation and end stage capitalism had sapped them all. the phone rang and she did not answer. mark came over and rapped on her window. how come you won't answer your phone? his name was so sudden. mark. let's get out of here. they walked to the park. he tried to cheer her up. let's get some ice cream. she couldn't stand the thought of anything milk related. stop it mark. you can't help me. it's hopeless. a lost cause. he stood on his head until his face turned red and she couldn't keep a straight face eye to eye with his belly button. she laughed and laughed until she cried.  what’s wrong with you mark? i love you, mark said, but you don’t love yourself. that’s what’s wrong.   #katyamills

celebrate!

celebrate! for now and here you are a mixture of all that has ever happened to you and facing with open eyes whatever is to come. this life has made you you. and you are real. all your feelings and thoughts all your love and pain and hope and hopelessness too.  #katyamills

no.16

a hollow 

made in snow

2 hold the heavy hearts

icicles drip and fall

the memories like 

darts

in the badness of these times

let us be some light

if you live right you 

may you might

yet

#katyamills

no.15

please 

remind me in two hours five minutes

i asked my phone

to call the one 

i love 

#katyamills

singularity

if when you speak your truth 

everyone looks up surprised or even shocked

don't worry

singularity of thought

often has this effect

#katyamills 

no.11

blasted from all sides

it angles into my peace of mind i

am dead by 

tech mixed with attention

deficit disorder

the fuse box is the source

i shut it down and with supreme hyper

focus. clairvoyant

 i see again

#katyamills

no.12

i was walkin yesterday

bad memory broke me down

dead leaves piled up around the pond

bad thoughts bad energy

the geese maneuvered wings so

molecules of water in the air 

caught by the light

helped me forget it

helped me get right 

#katyamills

no.9

you had a heart 

they had the means to break it

having created you and

will it ever mend?

upon dying my dear i swear

the spirit volant

ascends

#katyamills

reflections in a cast iron skillet

a fight 

out of the past

blurry memory

sparkling delight

reflections in an iron skillet

the gravest face

hungry and tired

cast and seasoned

to last

#katyamills

hey you with the dizzy aspirations

hey in the shadows

you the one torn in denim jeans

made of meds and recitations

galvanized by ultraviolet scenes

dodgy streets and stairwell

leans. hey you

with the dizzy aspirations i

love you

#katyamills

silica on asphalt

the vernacular of a friday night 

in the city punctuated by tires 

sketching patterns on asphalt 

carbon black and silica

synthetics form symbols 

of collective youth rebellion

in the haze of drift

#katyamills

excerpt dec 4 from memoirs

"You would be a fool to unblock if you knew you were facing annihilation."

#katyamills

excerpt december third from memoirs

"But let me tell of the best times for to leave them out would be like painting watercolors in the garden in the rain." #katyamills

book review

Review of Ame and The Tangy Energetic by Katya Mills

Reviewed by Kelly Marie Purdy

"Like the last book that I read by this author, this felt like a pretty intense read, but I liked it. I liked the fact that I had the perspective of both the protagonists, and I felt as though I got to know each character quite well, during the time I was reading.

For me, something about the narration felt intimate, as though I was reading someone's diary, or having a deep conversation with a friend. I think the author writes in a way that makes the reader feel connected to the characters, and aware of their emotions and experiences. While I was reading, I cared about these characters and their story."

Link to the review: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/6018445999#_=_

some days 2

'some days just being alive feels like a win' 

opined a fledgling optimist

#katyamills

violet

violet was a color
a flower
a name

in the forest we
settled into camp

she lived in the
flame 

#katyamills

book review

 Goodreads review of Girl Without Borders by Katya Mills. 

Reviewed on Dec 1st, 2023 by Kelly Marie Purdy... https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/6015720556

This felt like a pretty intense read. I felt the author wrote in a way that was very to the point, very raw, without sugarcoating anything. I think that made me feel more aware of the characters' emotions and experiences, and I did feel connected to them. Something that I noticed was the fact that I felt quite sorry for these characters. The whole time I was reading about them, I felt as though I never fully understood them, or why they behaved the way they did, and that impacted me a little bit psychologically. I did like reading this though, it definitely had my attention after a few pages, and I became invested in it.

working memory does not work

 my working memory does not work very well but i will remember you all my life

#katyamills

type it!

 most cats are more genuine than most dogs. i know. its a controversial thing to say. my cats made me type it. 

#katyamills

hifi notifyyy

 the best notification systems come from instinct you cannot buy them on amazon

#katyamills

escargot

a steady hand
wandering mind
moods break and make
a row
you get it down
in columns
even if it's slow
escargot

#katyamills

nov 27

 today's nightmare ... tomorrow's dream

#katyamills

break.up

that breakup really hurts. you cannot have contact? go looking for yourself. the one who they loved before it all fell apart.  #katyamills

nov 26

 the end of happiness today gives ground for the beginning of happiness tomorrow

#katyamills

pantheon

if you wake up feeling like a failure find some small success to start your day and may the gods love you

#katyamills

down with black and white thinking

the way they broad brush the poor the trans the mentally ill the emotional dysregs the fluids the spectrums the racial minorities in antisocial media circles is not helpful. down with black and white thinking! #katyamills

desperate

they ran out of words

this must be fiction cannot be real

to speak in desperation and still you cannot 

comprehend?

save it 

they told themselves

save it 4 someone who gives a god

damn

the days would be long the nights longer

until they found a means 

2 leave home 2

make it on they own

such is life

#katyamills

drama 2

the run was over 

the lead wiped the makeup off his face

staring down the dressing room mirror

backstage

wishing they would take this show 

on the road

jealousy lay in wait

outside these theatre walls

the kind of drama you could not 

rehearse for 

#katyamills

care 2

whenever he asked her out 

she went she let fall her brown hair she

let him pursue her they went for cocktails

one night under her influence

he thought she cared about him

more than anyone but 

she was simply

drunk

#katyamills

sky keeps the secret

every november they traveled from adjacent towns for the weekend. crossed the half-sunken bridges spanning the boggy marsh. never to be seen again. a grey sky kept the secret in the eyes of the old spotted owl.   #katyamills

lavender

years ago we papered the walls in lavender. our only home. now it has faded and the kids have drawn all over. you want to tear it down. i like it the way it is. why do I feel like any one of a thousand disagreements will end us? the color softens my mood and let it be.  #katyamills

novelist

if you have no way of getting out of your head you are a goner

you can make it as a novelist

#katyamills

no.4

she was very little. she was a boy. it was her first hockey team. the ice was smooth at the start of practice and rough at the end. it always was. her dad one of the coaches. they had learned enough about teamwork to be ready for their first ever game. stepping out of the rink the skates hit the rubber mats and they walked to the dressing rooms. her heartbeat doubled maybe tripled. they had pinned all the jerseys on the wall. she  ran up to get hers. a big W on the front to represent the town they lived in. embroidered hunter green and yellow gold on white. the colors. on the back her last name was stitched in capital letters above her favorite number. in her very first game she scored the team's very first goal with a wrist shot past the goaltender and into the net. she made her family proud. everyone could see it was number 4. she raised her arms over her head and her teammates skated up and into her arms.  #katyamills

circadian

 get used to fucking up your circadian rhythms

#katyamills

over.looked

 in today's world it's easy to overlook what's going on inside you. do this but at your own risk.

#katyamills

k memoir exxxcerpt

 When we fight I can go from zero to one hundred and all the memories of all the fights I have ever been in, come back. This time I was flashing back on Kali and how terribly we fought when we were under some influence. She would come at me with a fist and I would be shocked and try to duck and sometimes she would catch me on the jawline or jab her knuckles into my shoulder and I have to confess it felt good being hit, I wanted to be, it brought me into my body and out of my head where all the bad thoughts were torturing me in those days. We were lovers in these strange phases of wanting to kill each other. It would last for hours maybe days or until one of us acquiesced. and we made a shaky peace because it was too exhausting to keep on fighting and we lived together. Then we could lie our bodies down and watch mindless tv and drink and wonder if we could ever hold one another and feel loved the way we had before, after all the blistering hatefulness. This was twenty ten and I was thirty-seven and Kali, who I thought at the time was my forever, who I wanted to be and burdened with the responsibility of being my forever, was almost forty. We took selfies of ourselves and printed them out on colored paper after photoshopping them and tacked them to the wall of the room where we were staying. We walked down the paths hidden beneath trees down the hill to Grand Avenue and the last Blockbuster in the world, holding hands, to rent obscure movies. I preferred horror and she preferred crime, and the genres seemed to bleed off the screen and into our life together. We didn’t fuck enough, in her opinion, and she held it against me. And the more she held it against me, the less I wanted to. #katyamills

work 2

let your work get you out of yourself

#katyamills

pact with the subconscious?

the subconscious made a sycophant 

of me. night after night i made a case for the material of dreams 

not to torment

i offered up classical music and salt lamps and feathers of goose 

down 

i got nothing 

but the same so I took ahold of this 

and charted my course 

by stars

  #katyamills

scratch

 a rainy night. waiting for you at the train station in the shadow of a high rise. we have a couple years to catch up on my dear sister. to get started i will make you coffee. from scratch.   #katyamills

pressure made the river

callous looks in the subways

charitable smiles to pure disgust

the reactions had a range

pressure made a river

what it was. it never started pretty 

they cut through settled lands

fomenting division

still. they reverberated inside

no longer pretending no longer wondering

what could have been

#katyamills

shadow of exxxpectations

when we were little ones we lived in long shadows of expectations. unless you wanted what they wanted this made for some suffering. it was good to believe in yourself. how can anyone demand you refuse your heart’s calling? challenge them. show them how much it means to you.

#katyamills

mop radio

the gallon jug of Arizona got away from me

took a bounce off the sensor

came apart on the floor

the blue vests gather around staring at the puddle

someone radio the cleanup crew

another broken heart 

#katyamills

BBC and Vitamin C

a terrifying dream all alone in the back seat of a van being driven by no one in reverse on the highway upwards of eighty miles an hour. when I awoke I took a swig of orange juice and let the BBC and spoken language calm me. #katyamills

fish E

I love my fish! she said. tranquil. could they love me too? eyes look opposite directions. i cannot tell. who said love needs eyes?  #katyamills

nov.ember

november arrived  

the wars multiplying like cell phone towers and fear

the only one who might help was 

any of the gods

the line was corrupt or unattended

the pantheon hallucinating 

#katyamills

i was not well until i was

anyone could tell i

was not well

those who cared had tried and failed

to help uplift my life 

derailed 

from this low and dreary

state. having lost what i had left 

to lose

to die not of despair i chose

to be a light for some small one

suffering

this need not define you

let the pain inform you

you can and will

make it out

#katyamills

mango lassi

have the mango lassi! 

a boy on a scooter implored 

rolling table to table in the Indian restaurant 

we did not indulge

remembering this passionate face one day

i will

#katyamills

hurt with

now they hurt in silence 

not as bad as they hurt before swearing

before jumping off and hitting the shin

after stepping on the cat's tail

to them the hurt was good for it was not only the cat anymore 

who was hurting   #katyamills

my talisman

sad about a world gone bad 

on a heavy dose of sedative

you were quick to judge yourself

my talisman. when will you see

the light?

   #katyamills

sugar spike

they was sucking on chocolates leftover from halloween and traumatized by the sugar spike but someone had to do it  #katyamills

have a (violent) cry

emotions had to be worked through but not like this. they could not afford a ticket and did not wish to die. maybe bars - pick up men - drink for free - duck out? the spirit had so many terrible suggestions. they settled on a film. cried violently when the heart broke.  #katyamills

(fuck)

I preferred horror and she preferred crime, and the genres seemed to bleed off the screen and into our life together. We didn’t fuck enough, in her opinion. And the more she held it against me the less I wanted to (fuck).  #katyamills

criticism

wouldn't do much good if you didn't believe in yourself. showcasing your work in the public forum was a gauntlet every artist had to run. 

#katyamills

fall back

played time 

one Sunday morning in November 

slapped the thief back 

hand of the clock

sixty more minutes to 

fall back to 

write the finest

verse  

#katyamills

odyssey

the valerate was not numerically stable in the blood. the doctors fumbled for a baseline while they prepared themselves for the odyssey. they wondered what the wars would look like six months out and would they still be around? it gave them the kick the urgency they needed  #katyamills

time a thief entwined with memory

remember January? you asked. like yesterday. how we tipped the new year with a bottle of red and fell asleep hopeful. time was a thief entwined with memory clawing like ivy into mortar for dear life. the cats pawed at the blinds. silence a dangerous thing and we avoided it for hours.     #katyamills

isolate

she was trending toward isolate. call it an acceptance of death. at which time anyone would be involuntary reunited with all ... and that's beyond   #katyamills

fuck cancer

he was anxious waiting for the bus. he already missed one treatment and shouldn't miss another. he promised his kids. the toll it takes on your constitution. it scared him. he put his elbows on his knees and stared at the print on his chest. fuck cancer. 

#katyamills

hard sell

I got him to go up the hill with me to the orchards. a hard sell but I did not want to go alone. hard cider & tv remote his thrill. once we hit the clean country air he thanked me profusely for getting him out of the city. we drove by a liquor store. he didn't even ask.

 #katyamills

no rules

for the last time they told her 

these are the rules. if you don't like them you can leave

her first move was to get the tattoo

with her best friend

then they mapped out a plausible

month long wave for her

surfing couches

#katyamills

burdens & beauty

do the things you least want to do 

and do them well

you may find beauty in these burdens 

if you can take them on

wholeheartedly

#katyamills

inside the core of the moon

relinquished identity

dressed in uniforms

scrubbed to glow her surface 

floor

almost everyone did something

fully outside the values 

to get inside the moon

core

  #katyamills

billionaire recycling

we found the one open on Sundays. you laughed when I told you the name. it helps you stay humble doing things you could easily outsource. glass plastic and tin to the Billionaire Recycling. Don't know if they got rich I'm still a paycheck from broke  #katyamills

the weekend

the night was a twisted thing. the geese flying in formation came to claim the great pond. friendship on the rocks. weather could not make up it's mind. flash flooding. they opened the locks. dreams tried to kill me in my sleep.  #katyamills

monday

 monday morning. protest. refuse to get out of bed. 

presence avoidance and condemnation

do not condemn yourself

for not being fully present 
even the most celebrated among us 

shy away from pain

#katyamills

wild vast indifference

I hold this lantern high

some light allowed

against a lurching grave contagion

some wild and vast
indifference

#katyamills

standby

she somehow neutralized the threat after much fighting and let her thoughts wander, indulging the parasympathetic

#katyamills

would could

i offered you what i could 

and you would not have it

so i gave it all away to the ones 

who could who would

benefit

#katyamills

dreamer

see nothing is permanent. i just got tired trading out shells for new ones. to live in a place i could own on the basis of a loan. i was a dreamer. listening to the oven cook the pulp out of pumpkin seeds. the future did not frighten me.    #katyamills

October 20

voices from war torn regions rise like fire 

anytime a true leader speaks 

the flame becomes a candle   

#katyamills

half of ten

Vitamin K

@Katya444ever



I was half of ten. Though the clock said midnight it was #dusk and my brother was gone. I hastened to the window where I saw three moons and no sun and life would never be the same. #katyamills

butchering classics

when the world is at war and there seems no end in sight, only escalation, i find myself singing more and more. if a missile ever strikes my neighborhood i will scream and run like anyone. later, if i'm still alive, i will sing all the harder, butchering classics.

#katyamills

north of the cross

october was sullen 

the trees bare 

the cider hard

like your stare

i will not be deterred 

i do not scare

one mile north of the cross

at midnight

if you dare

#katyamills

silly

your profound critique 

came off silly 

if you are not offering basic kindness first 

why would we care?

#katyamills

hard won

like you I have been hurt 

one too many times

god bear witness to surviving the self and other harms done

chin up. until death come we both know 

it will be hard won

#katyamills

contradict

im having trouble with life I 

don't even know why

the trees are very still the world like a painting the light infiltrates 

the wings of birds

its too early to feel troubled

now waking and speaking 

i rise up with you

in contradiction

#katyamills

the Japanese restaurant

the warmth the cheer
of the Japanese restaurant
receded. the night swallowing us
multi-colored mochi melting
in our bellies

broken glass 

reflected another's misfortune

how is it you walk in the shadows? 

you ask 

because. 

no demons lurk here 

it's a myth

#katyamills

change and do not

the moon

made by the sun

into a glowing scythe

two blade ends harvest 

the stars

we must now locate ourselves

from within

please 

no matter what may happen

do not change

#katyamills

analogue

under a formidable skyscraper

the trains clack along in their tracks

dripping sparks to the street

a young man in low heel boots and brown denim

semi-smile on the lips

you want me like i want the sun and sky

drinking off the pot of burnt black

we are analogue 

#katyamills

what year is it?

feared hated and without friends

he went out on another emotional killing spree

the unruly exiles dominated 

his heart. older now and not so strong

he came to on the ground

dazed and defeated

and asked the boy what day 

it was. and then

sadly

what year?

  #katyamills

aeon

the truth. so easy and hard to tell. sometimes it appears instantaneously. or must be laboriously  mined. the truth. hidden from our hearts for an aeon

#katyamills

radio music and the neuroplastic explosion

she would find herself involuntary humming. if only there was a sigil or neuroplastic explosive to pinpoint the spot on her brain where overplayed one hit wonders derived  #katyamills 

compass

they settled into the living idea

turning inward for direction

a recovery from this incessant 

longing for belonging

#katyamills

 

happy ass

seeing you happy I could not so much detest you for all the things you did that made me unhappy like buying another gas guzzler when you already had three. seeing you happy

#katyamills

not a color. a hue

I wouldn’t call it green. wouldn’t call it blue. the way it painted over our lives there was little else we could do. Not a color but a hue. He knew a place by the water in the shade. The river looked blue from above, and green when you invade. I would miss these friends. We drank decaf coffee out of a thermos and it was disgusting. Say nothing and be seen and not forced to speak up. The clarity of untroubled colors here in the shade. The river was blue from above, and green, when you invade.  #katyamills

October 3

dreams pushed the eyes across the oily undersides 

of their lids. rapid

 inside this skull the imagery 

senseless and 

vapid  

#katyamills

stitched

i stitched together a so so morning after a night turning with visions and scratched up onerous sleep. i cannot count my blessings. innumerable are they. the counting itself helped me go down and get up nevertheless!

 #katyamills

endless thought

this won't be linear 

it won't be pretty it won't go your way

you will encounter hopelessness and death

battle endless thoughts 

try to love it for what it is

and be kind to yourself 

first

#katyamills 

all u have

"you are two people again stumbling through life and pissing each other off. but it’s not so bad and you get through it and let it go. snuggling. because you are all you have". #katyamills

how to begin

all the problems of the world upset her. not just her own. she did not know exactly how to begin. she thought for a while then took out the pan and began frying up some bacon and eggs as the morning light filled the room.  #katyamills

no plus one

and when you feel it surging, alternating currents, rising and falling, nothing compares. true love. a cellular party. two invites. no plus ones.   #katyamills

the camel

I am the asana

holding my heels 

listening to Boards of Canada backwards arching 

diverting all thoughts 

from the chasm

 #katyamills

cuts in the fabric

the black jeans broke apart again at the knees. while stitching them back together all the memories from the past ten years the details of which were in the scuffs and nicks and paint stains and cuts in the fabric set off images and the feelings intricate as hell

 #katyamills

on cycling

This needed no overture

to fall in love with cycling all over again 

like you were ten

#katyamills

immediacy

you twisted the storyline. it was a lesbian memoir from the year 2000. must you? I got turned off by this thing that turned you on. Imagining me with other men and women. We were at quite an impasse. a little hopeless. I looked you in the eyes. we both started laughing.

  #katyamills

more than less than

she spoke up for herself 

and told them off

her gemini twin came out swinging

she knew she was more than 

less than

in the past she did not defend herself

and less than became miniscule

they would not come out of pocket  

again  

#katyamills

power.less

she had a title she commanded a bit of respect and it was all a bit of a facade but what can you do? in the context of power you travel farther from the thing you hoped for. she was left feeling a modicum unloved  #katyamills

the west

they wanted out but there was no escape. they had chosen this. they had gone to school for this. they had gone into debt for this. they had traded out of a life of dim prospects and odd jobs for this. this was the West and no matter your colors capitalism would make you pay. #katyamills

F 150

your blood is black

drinking water like gasoline

you can get me through the rocky places

you cost too much to have

when not working 

you are idle and no good for nothing 

i love you

#katyamills

the lesser known

The sky turned red from blue
we saw the sun and knew
sanity had flown

what followed was the lesser known

as the darkness grew

#katyamills

nine nine

the plants she had tended to from shoots in the pot gave her a recent bloom and she applied ample blush under the lashes. lines darted out from the corners of her eyes and betrayed her true age. fuck it. she wiped all the makeup off. I am old. I am wise.

 #katyamills

down in it

summer is ending. the farmers harvest the grapes. the hawk wings tipped to the side observes the changes from above. i am down in it. in the city they live in tents on the avenues with blue-nosed pits to protect them. a simple walk on a cool fall morning is my high. 

  #katyamills

sunrise 1

her face the sun had not touched for many weeks. she worked at night and industry never sleeps. the early sun caught her near the horizon pulling laundry off the line before the rains. she let the sheet fall to her chest. closed her eyes and felt it. #katyamills 

life hack @ 24

if she cared any more it would kill her. and it saved her. stopping. it was a life hack @ age 24. the whole pain and suffering caring caused her was sent off into the night like a wolf. for a while she lived on nothing to lose mentality 

#katyamills

Super Taco

I met some good folks at a memorial yesterday at a Super Taco in South Sacramento. The two daughters one of whom seemed to be like a black sheep and left out. The best friend of the daughter, Sandy, who kept an upbeat energy the whole time. The oldest grandkid who planned on becoming a pharmacy tech like his mom, and told everyone to be happy today because that's what his grandmother would want. Then there was one with the world weary eyes. A founding member of the Deftones. Dominic. He said he teaches music at Skip's music and they were relocating the store to Madison Ave and we should stop by. Tosh lost his sax to a house fire so I know he would want to go. it was a not so blazing end of summer day thank god, even clouds in the sky which is rare for September. we were out on a wide patio for hours with little cover. Tosh and I brought some orchids we picked out for the family of the deceased. she was the sister of Tosh's sister-in-law and the big C had claimed another one. I never met her but her daughters and grandchildren were full of the kind of emotion that meant they were so deeply loved and cared for by her. we all ate together and talked. young kids running around the caterers. when the mic got passed around toward the end it was hard and I found myself crying for someone I never even met. especially for the little boy, her closest grandson. he couldn't keep it together and neither could I but he stood up there like a little champion under his dad and mom and spoke. Tosh's nephew Mike, a big man with a big heart, said a few words because his mother could not. He recalled how Vickey used to measure his height against a bush in the yard and they all got a kick out of that. I gave the big man a big hug when I saw him after. He told me there aren't any good people anymore. His voice breaking up. I don't really agree with that at all. But the way he said it, something behind the words was true, and that's what I agreed with.   #katyamills

all love

you were sunk in the couch trying to escape the world. i couldn't light a fire under your ass so i lit the three wick candle. the cats were positioned one on top of the other grabbing neck by the teeth and simulating sex. cut it out. you're brothers for godsake not to mention fixed. I rambled on senselessly in the dark. You have a love and hate relationship with coffee! you shouted. I had to stop and think. No. That's not right. It's all love.   #katyamills

like happy

like anything good it won't be handed to you. I fancied myself Amelia Earhart. jumpsuit. cropped hair. purposeful half smile. I did not sleep well but who cares? leaned into the props to get them spinning. it's up there. above the cloud cover. go for it!  #katyamills

August 31st (9 years)

nine years. today's our anniversary and after work it's haircuts and dinner. Chevy's on the river. no big deal just to be together. no one else can so we fit the fragments what our combined memory remembers. no one else can. they don't sell this puzzle at hobby lobby but if they did we would make a hot item for sure. a top seller. what i love about you is how you can turn a trip to walmart into a show. someone's jaw drops and i walk out smiling.  #katyamills

romance

you deserved more than romance more than some worn out saying so we gave you a rubber knife fake blood torn stockings lace up boots a hideous face and called it love. You gave us all the candy you had and asked us please. go away  #katyamills

essential color blue

under sky blue

they irrigated the fields

green the corn and tomatoes grew

the trucks piled high crawled out on the highway

the day was done 

they went home and drank and danced 

slow with their wives and the kids

quietly laughing got up 

and slow danced essentially

too

#katyamills

Don Pedro

a drought fell over the land. 5 years & the beds completely dried up. they discovered her bottom of don pedro lake. determined she was over 900 years old. touching into her bones the mage deciphered her life and winsome spirit... golden eyes. she was unknown otherwise 

   #katyamills

blood

The first draft had to be almost effortless or else you would get caught up in editing too soon and lose the story.  The final copy would have to come off as almost effortless. The difference between the first draft and the final copy was blood sweat and tears. Okay, blood is an exaggeration. Usually.   #katyamills

dear enemy

thank you

for without you 

playing with my emotions

taunting me with unapologetic sarcasm and cruelty

i might not have broken free 

from the impenetrable

chrysalis

#katyamills

smoke break

i wanted to get to know you 

the bosses drove us hard 

leaving us depleted... 

you spoke. they caught us 

it's not a crime 

we needed the money 

they hid behind a story 

an don't care about ours 

i wanted to get to know you 

maybe on break

i don't smoke but 

i will

#katyamills

checkout girl

you fold my dress you turn

a phrase

unearth a deeper calm 

behind a morose 

gaze

#katyamills

strike!

she chose one the color of her desolate heart. on the shiny parquet she stared down the lane. deep breath. her father whispered an atta girl from the scoring table. muscles bulging, pencil behind his ear. she took a tentative step, pulled back, danced forward and sent it flying. deep rolling thunder until the crash.

#katyamills

fact #22

the meds. without them survival was unlikely. instead of going to work to make money to buy food they would stay at home immobile and brood

#katyamills

weather pattern #2

inspiration arrives 

with hurricane 

beleaguered by insecurity 

churning morning 

moods

#katyamills

dead!

got into a fight over nothing

we yelled it out scathing and then it was gone

i watched your eyes blink in slow succession like subway car doors when they're jammed

wanna go for coffee? you asked

that make up smile

i'm dead

 

#katyamills

beater

I am like a car that's been beat to shit and still runs. my upholstery pulling apart. glasses cracked. my engine speaking out its gruff noise. with a world-weary look my paint is faded and i settle remarkably into the scenery. the untold miles visible in my lines of cracked leather. I am small and passed by on the highway by fresh and sparkling machines who know little of life and what it's made of. I push on through any inclement anything, wind, rain, snow. It won't be pretty but we will get you where you need to go.  #katyamills

sour blueberry

to live with those who cannot in mind and heart, not needing some soundtrack behind you. to not give credence to all the random thoughts popping off. like blueberries on the bush some are sour. you don't have to care for them.

#katyamills

belly #8

on location

the belly of life

sink teeth in

#katyamills

like space like opera

i am yelling

but only to mask my fear

you are pacing you are tight
i see you in an hour's time

saying your sorries

they mean nothing
they mean nothing

i am fine

a railroad tie
buried in the ground

telling myself
not to cry

you are history
you are gone

i am deep in the past
wanting to forget

you are reading
i am writing we are
dreamy we are
one

#katyamills

shell blue

upon waking
to remember you
i draw my nails the sea

shell blue

#katyamills

am stillness

the morning stillness feels like wholeness 

on days that spin so fast they 

almost blur out

 #katyamills

live and dream

life will tell you straight up

I am what I am

so direct and yet we go on dreaming up something different

like true love and world fucking peace

in my many years i discovered

you can live in reality 

and dream

 

#katyamills

Bernal Heights

we descended from Twin Peaks

to sun touched warmth on Cortland Avenue

i waited for you by the liquor store

on a steep deep hill in headphones

sketching an armada of

clouds

#katyamills

Green Apple

San Francisco

foraging for books with my best friend

and boba

they do not barter with local authors so

i paid cash for Terminal Boredom by Suzuki 

left a signed copy of my latest on a bus stop bench 

Clement Street

#katyamills

bad bxs

turning from the bar 

he looked her up and down 

purposefully collided with her 

what a dish

wanting witnesses
she splashed the manhattan
into his face

#katyamills

mos.quit.o

mosquito

got so dizzy off my blood crazy flying circles thunderclap !

it's over ... I got you

#katyamills

eight eight unitive

no longer themselves

condition quite grave

they held it together

until something gave

turned from a particle

into a wave

#katyamills

splash!

the emotional impact 

came to being 

on the comet tail of a spectacular 

dream

splashed out corners of eyes 

while foaming morning 

teeth

 #katyamills

California

formless in her ex boyfriend's sweatshirt she walked to the end of this dreary American town. no one could tell how fast her heart was beating. formless before the heat of a dull summer day. how very long she had dreamt of this moment. this highway. California. 

#katyamills

50% sweet

standing on a city street. all the chores done. mild bitterness. head full from books. surrounded by plastic. fifty percent sweet. dreaming. 

 #katyamills

eight 18

friday. the big feelings. cannot get around them. the thoughts walk silently into court. powerful strides. my body fills with tension. these tendons when plucked make fine music. I place a palm over my heart and breathe. hopefulness, seated there, uprises!

#katyamills

hell and back

she had been to hell and back

worked with animals for several years trying to restore her credit and sanity 

there were tons of new friends to make over mocha

in her heart lived the ones she loved the most

the ones in hell

  #katyamills 

fight for it!

He served in the Navy and had been a pilot. They thumbed through scrapbooks together and he showed her. There were photos of him arm to arm with his brother and father, both who were aviators before him. It was an intergenerational thing, a legacy. She didn't have to act impressed. When she fell on hard times he volunteered to cover her lodging and food until she could get herself situated. He would not take no for an answer. She said she could handle it but he read between the lines. He would have kept her safe to perpetuity. She loved him a little before all this. They were both fighters. She would love him a little more for loving her, afterward, by heading out into the world with renewed strength to fight for her life. 

 #katyamills

take it or leave it

like the super moon

we cannot be dissuaded we

give ourselves to the world 

as we are

#katyamills

stragglers

the family rules. she broke the ones predicated on that's just the way it is and always been. long after she left home she found the stragglers and scraped them off like barnacles. 

#katyamills

envy and foreboding

foreboding was the sky
foreboding the crack of beer he opened home from work

she thought up the colorful ways
she might get out of the building


she stared at blondie through the open window
her heart full of envy
all night on the fire escape swishing tail
unaccosted

#katyamills

hubba bubba

i let the machine choose our quick picks. hubbabubba. you asked me if i could make change for a fifty. no but there's like thirty cashiers here can you ask one of them? okay hubbabubba. i only realize this is my nickname when a woman who has overheard our exchange asks. is that what he calls you? oh. ya probably. he comes up with a new one almost every day. that's adorable. while i would love to win the mega millions, life is not likely to get any better than it already is.   #katyamills

#katyamills

fatal moment #12

imbue the heart with dreamy goodness 

after some fatal provocation 

in a strange house 

edge of railyards 

wind whistling past the ears 

under the cut of Saturn ring 

encircled by many moons 

confetti of blown stars 

home roast sumatran 

8 track potential 

friendship 

at last

#katyamills

love at the AMPM

Rockstar set them up against an iridescent sun. they flew through yellow light for poke. makame and scallions in a base of sushi rice. black lady asked them where they party? they said those days behind me.   she did not believe them at the AMPM.

#katyamills 

10 post

 after the many many touches i bimble to the post. letting go this letter. from my heart to yours.

#katyamills

egolessness

had to die a hundred times

all within a single day

for what i thought had happened to me

was nothing 

was okay

#katyamills

it's not what you think

 

the sun lasered the moon into a lemon wedge

what we thought

this day would be like

was nothing like

what it was

#katyamills

date with the center of the earth

falling

all the escape routes calling out  

i choose none

#katyamills

ph.enom

wistfully I recall our chemical hearts 

pumping at breakneck speeds

cooled by alcohol and valium

welcome to hell

did you make it out alive?

god only knows 

i wish for you

this spacious transfer this 

soundless rejuvenation of energy

this big love

  #katyamills

the ruins

young lovers sucking tapioca up the straws. the bees taking apart coastal buckwheat strand by strand. want to be influencers snapping photos at a high place by the old Cliff House. a tall athletic girl running in circles in her lululemons. a thousand broken steps surround what was. a black and white memory of the Sutro Baths. we walk out on the rocks and drape our clumsy bodies over them, staring at the big one. angling pelicans. ptarmigans. laughing gulls. skimmers in perfect lines a touch above. all is calm and nonviolent like, when the sea reaches suddenly in, grabs and pulls us under.

#katyamills

social prefab

the social fabric, sewn with prefabrications, was moth eaten. the yarn ran easily off cat claws. we held on to the senseless hope it would withstand the fast approaching fall 

#katyamills

geometry of fields

he was trucking through farmland, california endless with it. she and a song she liked to carry on the mind. he would help her, too, for all the years. the ovuliferous inflorescences bursting forth in the geometry of fields. the ocean made the math lay down.   #katyamills

2 august

what the world dubs a literary masterpiece was once dismissed as nonsense, panned by critics, denounced by haters and assholes

#katyamills

take a moment

this very moment 

like you 

like me

moves and wakes

recedes quakes and

sometimes boils over

this moment

like me like you

asking only to be held

tenderly then let

go

#katyamills

lovers?

an ambulance charged down the street ignoring traffic laws and warming up the atmosphere. a striking coat of red. we were like that once, full of sound and light. people stopped and stared. we were accidental. we were lovers and we were monsters, too

 #katyamills

ex.ile

without fail

night after night

they lit a candle in the highest window

for the exiles return

#katyamills

cricket

they tended to voice the hard things in the soft spoken way

#katyamills

final trick

her life did come apart and it was a tale as old as time. she took on credit card debt and sometimes her checks bounced. they came and ripped her cable out and the car on lease was long since repossessed. she found it harder and harder to tough it out. she got by on canned goods at the save mart and public transportation to a minimum wage job. she wasn't going to ask anyone close to her for money when there was little hope in paying them back. second hand stores for clothes and government assistance for food. she had already moved several times and the rent was going up. she chose escorting to bring some stability to the equation. this worked for a while but she got discouraged by the scum of the earth. maybe one out of ten johns. the other nine were fine. the work paid well enough and she met them online so she had not yet been in trouble with the law. she had a guy she trusted to watch her back. she paid her debt and got a high def tv with all the movie channels. she shopped at Macys and bought a lightly used late model Ford. she signed up for classes to become a phlebotomist and got prescription glasses. she met a man who made her laugh and did not judge. she had close calls with cruel men and she got beat. the guy she hired for muscle caught one and payback. in tribute to her sister, the one who disappeared and never heard from again, she did a final trick and got out of the game. this super turnaround would not be covered by the nightly news.  #katyamills

psychotherapy is at its best an art

Some of my patients want therapy to be a certain way. As a professional I want to be open and give you what you want. Therapy cannot be everything so misconceptions must be brought out and cleared away. Some want structure and psychoeducation. Others want it to be motivational, to free them from inaction. I see six to nine patients a day, and each one demands something from me, whether the demand is covert or overt, it is there. And that's a good challenge. I always try to ask the day I meet someone, how has therapy been for you in the past? what worked and what did not? What would you like it to be? I do like working with the ones who ask for a more freeform, conversational approach. Often the younger ones, Generation Z, like it this way. Psychotherapy is at its best an art. Each session becomes an adventure, an exploration. Curiosity makes it interesting. You don't always know where to begin and you may be surprised where we end up.   #katyamills

low key damage

I have seen sunrises  and lived by the llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll light

funny how we fall asleep listening to our favorite murders or keyed up watching World War Two battles in color. it's not a big deal, really, but every night? are you a true crime junky? shine a light on your actions. that could be low key damaging

#katyamills

July 11 2023

As a practicing psychotherapist, I notice my clients coming into therapy worn down from battling external world stressors and they do not yet have the approach or the skills (mindfulness) to see how the internal world (thoughts, feelings, sensations, impulses) is operating. Or they may be avoiding the interior (which often works against them). You can empower yourself by learning mindfulness which is in some part just directing your attention to your internal world and listening without judgment. You will find that your greater awareness can hold just about anything, and you can have a little distance from them by becoming a witness of your own experience. Try simply noticing, acknowledging and describing what's happening. What thoughts are arising? What feelings? What sensations or impulses are arising in relationship to those automatic feelings and thoughts? These feelings and thoughts inform one another and influence our behavior and our inaction, too. It helps to build a relationship with them. Dialogue with your fear, your anxiety, your sadness. Ask it what it wants from you at any particular moment. You will find they have good and bad sides to them. They may be trying to help you but in all the wrong ways. You can challenge them if they are over or under blown. Meditation can help. Watching them arise as you are trying to focus on your posture and your breath. Letting it all be. Acknowledging it happening without judging or criticizing yourself. Becoming less attached and less unattached or avoidant. Watch how they subside, arising and falling like waves. Understand the natural cycles of things. Surf an urge or impulse without actually acting on it. See how long you can last. Play with it. The problem with mindlessness, in my opinion, is that we become enmeshed with aspects of our interior world, and when you think you are your thoughts, or you are your feelings, this can cause suffering. You can learn not to buy in so much. Just let them in, have them for tea, but challenge them when they have outrageous ideas like telling you that you are nobody or nobody likes you, or that you will never get things right because you're a screw up. No! That is a lie! You’re really not broken or faulty or unloved. You are living in the context of an unforgiving, fast-paced, judgmental, patriarchal, capitalist world! And it is having a bad effect on you. Anyone might naturally feel lonely, alienated, weak, and hopeless in this context. Don't believe everything your automatic thoughts tell you. Talk to them. Question them. Stay curious. And try to keep moving toward your values, toward your happiness. Fight for your life if you must. Find the ones out there who you can understand, the ones who can appreciate your struggle, the ones who give you the sense of belonging that everyone is thirsty for. Try to envision your best self and be your best self today. Don't give up hope!  #katyamills

neuro 1

Hitched a ride with a game obsessed neurodivergent

We hugged the mountain road for hours

We felt bodies of water 

Touching without touch

Everything was golden!

Our cells cried out for more 

#katyamills

July 23

I rolled up the cuffs and took my time. washed the glass on both sides. borders brought in line. i drove pins into the frame and secured it on the wall. hyper focus tended to still these mercurial waters. studying the face behind glass i saw we suffer the same

  #katyamills

chalk on canvas

where land and water meet

in a white dress fastened by a blue sash 

auburn hair cut close to the head 

a dove sheltered under the chin 

tail feathers fanning down

the gaze subdued and searching 

they are made of more than 

chalk on canvas

#katyamills

fade

the body may. the mind may. the spirit never fades

#katyamills

passage

we talked all night

let the heaviness inside 

out. i watched it fall

off your aura like

a film restoration 

criterion collection

passage through point

of inflection

#katyamills

sun and sea

the old sea turns

a very deep blue

our eyes skipping stones

flirt with the pages

everything touched by the sun

i ask can it be?

you say it's forever

maybe

maybe

#katyamills

the fifth

this one full of fear would plead the fifth amendment unforeseen powers lead from conceptualization

untold dangers inherent the same dependent upon the aim out on bail nod to a lenient judge he drank a fifth to quell the pounding heart

#katyamills

all the soft sounds

cat tail swishes

electric lights fizzling out

morning dove

water rush behind the drywall pipes

moths wings

pilot ignition ticking

clocks

dawn holds all the soft sounds premature in its infinite silence

#katyamills

plastic oceans

awash in plastic oceans

they lived for the ones who could not

no longer medicated numb

no longer heralded by fear 

no longer dressed in tailored ads

the followers of fads

they lived for community

like it was the first day 

like it was

the last

#katyamills

free on planet oat milk

the story is not compelling. i zone out. grocery store in slippers. lagging behind you as you go on about independence day. i make a break behind the spray mist. aisle 15. stop to admire the gallery of cereal boxes. the creatures playful not shy. eighties music. sliding across floors waxed here on planet oat milk i am free  #katyamills

the deepest end

some lives go off 

the deepest end 

what if they did not sell the soul

it got absconded

 #katyamills

#1 thought

12 thoughts
run round my head
i select the very best one 
wrap it carefully in the comics 
we already read
when the moment comes
i will bring it out into the sun
for the trusted special ones 

to uplift them if 

i can

#katyamills

the undivided

there was light enough

to bring the work to completion

the sun soon corralled

behind the fence

wasted was the fullness

hanging heavy off 

the vine

troubled were the thoughts 

arising in the mind

i gave them my undivided

until the sky was red

then with a wink 

sent them off

to bed

#katyamills

question

if you cannot question your thoughts the same way you question authority you will live under the influence of them and what a way to live

  #katyamills

July 10

the warmth we once had between us began to burn. talking to you felt dangerous like dodging thrown knives or jumping a live wire. i don't know where it all went wrong or maybe i do. i cannot answer the phone when you call. not because i don't want to. it's just not safe anymore.

#katyamills

editorial

they bound the hay with cord

stacked in cubes on golden fields

like newspapers espousing causes 

forming larger cubes on solid earth

fated for consumption

#katyamills

schizophrenia 1

the personality 

is disordered they told him at the clinic

take these pills

he filled the prescription

in a fortnight by god he was freed from 

the voices yet suddenly 

terribly

alone

#katyamills

lost at sea

they was left 

tottering and damaged

lost at sea 

unseen by you

unknown to me

#katyamills

July 6

life is hard and i want it that way. 90 second bursts of punk music. with an urgency grind out these feelings like coffee beans turn to powder. to connect with you with the power of all we have been through

#katyamills

the galaxy within us

deep in the heart of the galaxy 

known as samsung

the metals of rare earth secrete into the bloodstream

accounting for the odd behavior transcribed 

in the last newspapers

on earth

#katyamills

notes from a remote location

life on the outpost is cheerful. stop. we (I) wake to the chatter of birds promoting the new unification. stop. commerce. entertainment. food. family. all within 1 jurisdiction. stop. prime delivery (via latitude longitude). stop. even here we find we (I) must drag the happy ass outside

#katyamills

the one that got away

if the mind had its way

like a hungry perch i would take the hook

giving its thoughts some radio play

fighting and jumping 

reeled in 

today needs no rebellion

fins tattered lip scarred i swim the depths

the one that got away

#katyamills

let them run

this house

speaks to me in code

of bubbled paint

settles into earth

taking on the stress 

so i won't have to

this is my home

cracks appear in the walls

let them run

i am thankful 

splash of milk 

in the tea

#katyamills

octo.pi

my emotion 

a lonely cephalopod

reaching and grasping 

tossed against a sky made 

of salt water

turning inside out

blasting any blank page 

with ink

#katyamills

1984 sketch

on holiday 

distant cheers from the parade 

they walk the paths radiating out from the park 

maples drop the generous leaves 

the youngest leaps to catch 

his sister follows far behind 

hands in pockets. listening to Psychedelic Furs 

disoriented by infatuation 

boy in shop class

#katyamills

migraine city

migraine city

you got into my head

two years earlier

you killed my friend

on the third day

quivering and wet with fever

like a flower facing the sun

i took charge and backed you into the lungs

come out and fight! Corona 

you got nothin 

on me

#katyamills

be

I did nothing until nothing became something

And then I did a lot of that

#katyamills

what you want won't help you much

what you want won't help you

any longer than the sweet brief season

in anticipation of getting it... 

getting it... having it upon getting it... 

until it no longer really interests you

because you already got it

#katyamills

sunny side up

from now on i cook my eggs sunny side up

the way i liked them when i was a kid

fought off corona for a fortnight and survived

grateful and making some changes

one order of life. bright with yolks unbroken

on a raft of impossible dream come true

 

   #katyamills

match girl

at night i set my head ablaze

became a dangerous passionate thing
the world lit


a burnt end by dawn i toed the line at work
confused by forced and dreary duality
self-inflicted. for work today is life
and life is work. thank god
for the illumination

 #katyamills

make out session with life

we stopped scrolling

and streaming we put away our phones 

braved the weather 

stepped into our colors 

and made out well 

at the dance

 #katyamills

22

the multi boundless medias 

the vitamins 

medications

nothing could console

her sordid collection 

of heartbroken

recollection

#katyamills

midnight

dressed down after the grand occasion i

made us a pot of midnight coffee we 

recollected the week from beginning to end 

the sun came back around 

and sent us to bed

#katyamills

taraxacum erythrospermum

Dandelion was the name of the candy store in the town where I grew up. a tall man with a moustache used to keep shop with an anxious high whistle. he watched us kids by mirrors with hawk eyes. when they make you for a thief long enough, you want to prove them right. one day the whole gang flooded the store, eight of us, then took off like we done something wrong. we dropped our skateboards over the curb and rolled out. breaking apart like the seeds of a taraxacum erythrospermum blown by the wind.   #katyamills

misgivings

compassion was an antidote to the misgivings she had about the world

#katyamills

an age old scam

surreptitiously

they wheel up to your car

one seated in the chair covered up by a blanket

the other pushing

while you dig into your purse for change

the invalid jumps up with a knife 

takes your breath and threatens 

your life

#katyamills

 

off the ave

they ditched the stolen bmw off this one road elbows the avenue the only witness the strawberry moon

#katyamills

take a chance on

summer nights

the heat was deep and sustained forcing 

rolling blackouts like a wave over the power grid

you filled the void by malt liquor and fits of patriarchal tyranny

we have no candles i lied

descending the back stairwell i would rather 

take a chance on 

the street

#katyamills