take a moment

this very moment 

like you 

like me

moves and wakes

recedes quakes and

sometimes boils over

this moment

like me like you

asking only to be held

tenderly then let

go

#katyamills

eyelids fallen like my guard - cut #3

I suffer headaches

Tension too thick to mention

You know. I know. We all know. 

I know we all know what is 

about to happen

sentiments left touching

 thin air

original

 firm

 comforting handshake

 they had

time trails into some 

second hand see ya

 later 

lead into some 

cold

   late

    lonely night pin cushion

 never to 

return


you, too, would have left it that way...

like i had to... 

let it go...

like i
did

you would have had me

 leave it like up and

    walk away would 

not you

before you
found and held
and loved the fuckin
hell out of 

me

mercilessly

to the expense
of my breath
of my lungs
pressing me

pressing in on me
pressing me out all whole again
in the end

goddam i miss you
goddam

Journal. Something about writing.

I think I am a mood perfectionist, when it comes to writing. Yes, I am learning to just sit down and write and not worry about setting the mood just so. I have to if I wanna be prolific, if I hope to publish many books. The process is in motion. It starts with noticing how I interact with my environment.

Now I have written in the blood-soaked rooms of a boarding house full of junkies, on a laptop so beat up I had to tie the screen back with zipties and twists, with a keyboard whose keys I had to superglue back on. With a boyfriend and junkie whose paranoia could turn on me in a second. With a habit of my own, boy and girl, serious enough it would undoubtedly kill me if it entered my bloodstream now. Clean as I finally am. Now I have written despite real and imagined voices on the other side of the walls. Now I have written under threat of being momentarily evicted. Now I have written with the sun in my face and heavy metal in my ears. Now I have written in a bar. In a car, in the cloud of someone's cigar. Now I have written for my life. Now I have written to death. I have written out the curses from under my goddamn breath.

But being sunshiney clean, I have to deal with myself and my moods. I can no longer control them, manipulate them, force them into submission. But the cool thing about living without all those old toxins pulsing through my blood, yes, the cool thing about it is there is no artifice. No manufactured moods.

The uncool thing is, I have to be a badass bitch with myself and keep myself doing something creative and not just talking about doing something. Use it or lose it. The mood perfectionism sometimes arrests me. I have my cup of coffee and my attitude to match. I have the light just write, coming through fabric cross the window. I have my Pandora One. Or silence. Ceiling fan on low. Doors locked. Phone muted. I sit down behind my desk, in a corner of my room. I open the chromebook and take a deep breath.

Then, well, it's a bit of a turkey shoot with my mind. I either get to writing, one word at a time. Or the tornado of my mood dislodges me from my setup, for any one of a million possible reasons, and I fight and fight and forget to write. I gotta let go, to go on.

love potion no. two thousand seven hundred sixty two dot infinity

I was in the laboratory, minding my own business and yours, when all of a sudden that eureka moment came hurtling from my mind to earth, half-burning up in its double wide flavor, five-lane atmosphere pressure pull. I pounced immediately upon it, before it could scurry away into the recesses of some famous French cave whose drawings of stick figure animals shall be preserved to the end of human time only. I cupped my mind around it like a cat claw trap upon a squeakmouse.

At this point in time, the object which I was efforting to make subject and otherwise swallow whole into my personal shadow and light universe, made itself partially known to me. Thinking (yes, with a mind of its own) I might actually set it free by so doing. Clearly its thinker was broken! All the better for my predatory success.

In my mind's ledger, I jotted down the new revelation, and got this far.... love potion no. two thousand something....damn! Je ne sais quoi (I know not what).

A large question mark took form in a gasping vexation of breath out my pores. My entire organism shook. This created just enough room for the object, not yet become subject or subjected to my personal universe of great darkness and fragmented light, to slide into a crack in the unwaxed and unpolished (and rather rough from wear) mahogany floors which had suffered the weight of me for one too many months in this place, my self-described laboratory. All I felt (other than insatiably unanswered in pursuit of my less than scientific inquiry) was an increase in space beneath my mental tendrils, which were left groping about like a suddenly blind sea anemona in atrophic waters, abandoned for good by an ungrateful school of single file clown fish with genetically mutated pioneering tendencies.

My object, my dear sweet eureka, escaped my grasp!
Fuck no! I cried, reducing my own equation to expletive tears.
I dropped to my knees, then fell to the floor and my whole body just collapsed like a dying star right there in my personal petrie dish microcosm.

Then, after a few horrendous moments of breathless wonder...something magnificent happened! That which I had been pulling and pushing and groping and gnashing my teeth to capture and consume with the bully gravitas of a desperate Putin in Ukraine... suddenly unfolded itself to my surrendered spirit, like the most beautiful of flowers set free in the sun!

Love potion no. two thousand
seven hundred
sixty two
(dot)
infinity