traces

what's left of the bonds we once had are traces. friendships never die. even when we no longer speak we always have the shadow traces.

color of mud

sorry we don't accept your currency here, it is awfully divisive. we might take bitcoin though insecure and often inflated. you can have anything you want -- guaranteed -- no shoes or shirt, feet and hands raw, the color of mud

fullness

drink more of 

water and

 air and prayer

downtown sacramento by katya

journal. september 27th. 2019

i seem to always be working on the residuals of my mental illness, sweeping them up and out of my life. this is a maintenance thing, i mean, i have to radically accept the eternal presence of anxiety and depression. they no longer stop me from living my life like they did before (and after) i got clean, six and half years back. yet they are like a snake and threaten to constrict. i have to maintain and keep building. thank god i have a career that enriches me. i have a home and can cook my own food. i have my health and no longer take psych meds. the recollections of traumas have subsided though they sometimes resurface in nightmares and an uneasy mistrustful and guarded relationship with both internal and external worlds. i am working on self-discipline. my stress levels fluctuate but are more manageable when i eat healthy and exercise and stretch (yoga. asanas) with greater frequency. this requires mindfulness. i am drinking more of water and air (deep breathing) and prayer. i am devoting more time to reading and writing. i read at night, before bed. on weekdays i get up before dawn and write, more and more frequently. it is hard to build the life you wanna live but it sure is worthwhile.

autumn thank god

who knows what would have happened and it's autumn thank god the summer has broken and we held it together so well

far past when holding it together was cool

drowning of sorrows

I am grateful you take care and look out for one another. of course like you said I am the same spirit and soul never changed and I remember trying to tell you that but no one wanted to believe me. Not back then. But of course I had a drug problem so why would anyone believe me then. I'm just happy I had the courage to transition and find my new life. I'm glad you and I are able to have a friendship, we wont agree but still love one another. I'm proud of X for all his successes in life and keeping the family going into future generations. It can look different for anybody. For me it's not wealth or kids it's just who I am based on what I've been through. I have wisdom I am trying to pass down. I have a man in my life who loves me. Two cats and several books to my name. My success is not measured the same as yours, but I'm proud of you and Z and X, I will never have those victories but God wants it this way, God has brought me to a place where I can see and make a difference in other people's lives, where i can be home, after many years of selfish living and drowning of sorrows. K

kill it with truth

the ring has gone i lost it and did not know. then i worried about you and had anything happened. touch up auto paint covered my fingernails the pumice could not kill. and how had we died. you killed me with kindness and i. killed you with truth

try the world out

take a vacation to planet earth

it won't be paid you 

gotta earn your keep 

won't be fair cuz life on earth

ain't fair. you could get lucky. guaranteed pleasure 

and pain in almost lethal doses

come on

sign up at the mall

see how long you can survive

lonely

i once was so very
alone if i encountered you
and we went sideways
the moment would burn
for days

identity

anyone who thinks
it selfish to claim
your identity

must have not
once questioned
their own

a lack of curiosity
is sad and scared and
cannot be trusted

for who does not
wrestle with
self?

words

i string words together
not for nothing
that I can find myself
when i get lost
in the madness of
this world

take refuge

how do you protect
your heart

if you really loved
you cannot

at least you
really loved

self

our best work comes
when we are not conscious
when the passage of time
cannot be mapped
the best is so often
a surprise

birds mia

one day
when all our birds are drones
may we remember what we are
grateful for

journal sep18.19

when you work hard long enough you will discover a cadence a value in it nobody can ever deny

all the years

forty six to be exact
i treasure each one for all
it taught me

lazy summer fun

we plucked the worms from the earth and pinioned them on hooks on strings and cast them into the lake for the sunfish to strike and get hooked through the gills then fight and flight and make it worse and we reeled them in ona pole and plucked the fish from the waters and let them gasp for air while baking on the planks of the dock in the sun until dead then put them in a crayfish trap tied to a clete and threw it overboard for three days and nights and pulled it up full of crabs cannot get out then boiled a pot of water ona stove and threw all the crayfish in to boil red and cool and break the tails off suck the head, all in the name of lazy summer fun. we were kids. i won't be upset if i never go fishing again.

wish upon a screen

she gave me a soda
these were better days she
got her boyfriend out
by calling the cops when
he beat her up

let's sit ona brick and concrete slab  drinkin sugar water outta green aluminum cans

who knows how long
this will last

back 2 back

i had my same old prayers and back to back they matched the breath

sunrise and
sunset

same old prayers and all the bullshit in between we must attend for such

is life
is life
is life

how did i get there

in the
niche the pocket of the
microcosm

like a planetary system
dependent upon
you

my sun

the least visible
most pressing
force

pretending we
are free

mediocrity

mediocrity

a fine attribute if
you're a
cat

systems and service

I live inside a certain closed system wherein one is not trusted, one is held accountable to high standards which are enforced relentlessly by teams chosen based on work ethic and other high quality merit marks, to oversee the delivery of services to the general public. Sometimes I question my decision to live there for it is not always a friendly place. What I love is how I am challenged and pushed to my limits, and not one day ever looks like the next. It is an exciting and dynamic environment, and because I have earned rank and respect over time, I do have freedoms and work is creative. I care for my team and am aligned with the mission.

star 5

no one was alive
on star 5

not since 1515
when life was unsettling
on earth

cats black

your voices and my voices met in the middle under a bright cat black

cell 2

one cell says
to another

walk your human
over here

untitled cell

the moon stared us
in the face put us in
our place

looking up from our
screens

finally

colorless

you got me disinterested by your tone of voice. seeing you i have a choice and paint the world around you cannot help but drop out without color not even close to an impression until the absence stands out clearly

where was where is your world

you found a place where you clicked you could go and be known you could go and belong you could go and now you're aching to be there

to go there again

the lightning strikes the storm thunders so violently like it did back then you know you never left you are there it is here and its real

soft fall

the grapefruit ice you drink upon the delta breeze with summer lost its spark. calm down. you need not rush the leaves turn and die and fall upon the crosswalk. time to sit and talk. all the cell phones gone and what a world it would be. what a world it once was and how we got along you fingered my blouse as i cried to think so soon you would be gone

rest

you can get all the rest you want but you still need to find your rhythm in the world. if you lost yours, it can be a real bitch to get it back. you may need to stab your fears in the heart with a dagger and bleed out the yellow poison. then do those things that scare you, inject yourself back into the bloodstream and let go. feed your faith and starve your fear to death. i promise you an adventure like no other!