fall back

played time 

one Sunday morning in November 

slapped the thief back 

hand of the clock

sixty more minutes to 

fall back to 

write the finest

verse  

#katyamills

inside the core of the moon

relinquished identity

dressed in uniforms

scrubbed to glow her surface 

floor

almost everyone did something

fully outside the values 

to get inside the moon

core

  #katyamills

(self)

the effect the world has on me thickens my skin. i become less vulnerable while trying hard not to be completely insensitive. i wanna be able to feel cuz you gotta feel, to feel alive. like anyone i wanna feel safe. a thick skin can protect. like trusted family and friends. deadbolted doors.

there is something juicy at the core of you. something sacred and true that the world cannot corrupt. you can share this with them. they can see it in your eyes. they may get under your skin. you can learn to protect your sacred self. and offer it with those who are deserving.

kindness and compassion make for the best tasting fruit. the ability to see behind personalities is a great gift few have. those who have or develop this capacity are often smiling or less fearful walking the world. for they realize that even the hardest among us have a sweetness deep inside.

true 1

this is not all we know. below the coffee grounds. above the traffic jam. beneath the chirping devices there is a deeper space we may go.

this is not all we know
so go

my child 

go

this is not all we are

so be

my child
be

projection of poor memory

You taught me how to survive. I taught you how to thrive. The tables before were turned, and I experienced a deep despair like the world no longer could care...even someone who feels forgotten will be remembered by someone they may have overlooked. I wonder if the feeling of forgotten is a projection of poor memory? 

categorically. in the making of taking

Self-denial... i practiced it for years. I realize I get set back like anyone, all the time, and it's painful trying to fall up into the goodness of affirmational living, but it's worth the effort once you get there, self-crystallizing and shining again amidst your purpose on this hot spinning earth... I think it's funny over scrambled eggs and patty sausage in a booth at my favorite lucky American diner to be across from a new friend whom I really love, listening attentive as you try to read my cards back to me... but it gets harder when you tell me who I am and what I need.  I have been depressed since the day you met me, as though it were news. I remind you ima fucking depressive, okay, you just cannot take some things off like clothes, but are you so sure it's a crime in the making of taking my life from me with my permission, as samsara goes -- are you really gonna go there? yes you are -- and you know, I got those butterflies in my stomach immediately, like we do, seeing the truth there and deciding to come to terms with my anger around it. Oh! to absorb how someone honestly sees you. Full well knowing it's brilliant for anyone to take a risk and share how they feel, and celebrating this rather than pushing it away like you wanna. Especially a new friend whose got that courage, thank you. I thank you... and I categorically reject your attempts to tell me who I am and what I need. And it's okay that you would wanna tell me, because I do know that you only wanna help anyone and yourself and why not me, sure, of course, and you are more than a decade my senior and quite a professional from what I understand, a state worker, a really nice lady who loves women, not unlike me who loves women and men even if I don't trust most of them, and a high energy consciousness here in this booth electrified with boisterous argument. This is good. This is beat. This is more of what I want in the world, I think. Challenge my ass, sweetheart. This is my impression of you. And you are impulsive and perhaps insensitive with others whom you hope to understand. And that's okay, too, please, be that way with me! Make those mistakes for me to absorb and reflect and correct. It helps me to see the deep rootedness which causes my categorical defiance of anyone and your guesswork on me. I am no stranger to myself today. But I only know it cause I was lost for so long. I had to get lost to find myself and my heart and my spirit and my passion and my obsessiveness. And here it is, again, staring me in the face and demanding I walk it down twenty-first street and pink-colored dogs behind plate glass windows and a belly full of coffee and write it down!  link to my book

Journal # 04.14.15

Black jade helps protect me in times of trouble. What has been given me by loved ones and friends, whether material or immaterial, offer the most viable potency. White light can be summoned in meditation or even given to someone i meet who i feels needs it. The elements are pure and not to be trifled with -- at one's own risk. Use of fire, water, air, earth, for any purpose must be sacred. Fear is a constant companion and must be seen and dissolved throughout the day. Present moment carries the most access points for carrying anything out. Not to diminish the potentials in time travel, visions, or other possible use of the temporal. Love is a word easily tossed about in a modern world. I can only experience love anymore through action not words. I do not identify as anything. I only know what i know and what i do not know. I may wear many hats, but each one can be replaced. mystic. author. poet. counselor. empath. androgyn. intuitive. lover. friend. sister. daughter. athlete. addict. punk. schizo. Lucky numbers #4. #444. #7. #8. #11. Astrology can help. Pagan can help. Transpersonal can help. Mindfulness, prayer, light, energy, consciousness. Then go out of the head. Stop the thought and find source energy. Cycle. Recycle. Who knows? Maybe something wonderful will come of it all?