2.12.25

 like Mercury

we were too close

and got burned

i can only see it i cannot feel it

unless i commit to write

when i recall that era

of our lives

#katyamills

broken phone liberation party

the phone crashed to the ground and broke

all the lost feelings
began to surface


there was a sudden freedom 

that followed the sudden despair

all the lost feelings
they began to 

feel




#katyamills

I who made me feel

the way you
made me feel
i could not stick
around


i could not
whiskey rocks
i bought
and downed
til I was numb and dumb
like the wake of a
sunset


on the periphery i
discovered it was i
who made me feel
that way

#katyamills

take a moment

this very moment 

like you 

like me

moves and wakes

recedes quakes and

sometimes boils over

this moment

like me like you

asking only to be held

tenderly then let

go

#katyamills

netflixxx

the last episode of the last season pulled
all the feelings
outta me
 today

god it felt good

katya. 2016

Journal # 03.18.15

We got drowned in social media after feeling all alone. Lost then found in social media. Drowned in social media, could not find our way home. We found some new friends but were they really who they were? Drowned in social media, under waters all a blur. They popped some images on a screen, there were some soft some jagged edge. Drowned in social media, we fell right off that ledge. Sometimes it was all creamy, like a milkshake made of bits. Drowned in social media, we could not keep our wits. Someone caused an uproar, demanding this or that. Drowned in social media, who when why and what. Emoticons and pros, inhaled up the nose. Drowned in social media, bundled in our clothes. Shivering through nights with smouldering lightbox eyes. Drowned in social media, try on a new disguise. POETS in communion, headlong through the day. Drowned in social media. Captain Kirk, warp speed away. And yet the memory lingers, of inspiration city. Drowned in social media, what a shame and what a pity. So when you're tired and cold, with a buzzing in your head? Close up shop and shut it down, try something real how about, instead? Find someone you love,  an old beach by way of forest. Hold them by the hand. Feel the real with courage.

Mental (sister piece)

The sister to this piece is @ kissilent.wordpress.com

I was talking to my therapist. It was a pretty chill converse. Almost like we were friends or something. I kinda started to think of her as my friend, until she diagnosed me crazy. I thought that was really rude, coming from a friend. I let her know. She told me she wasn't my friend. I started to cry. She called me tearful. I had about had it with the labels. But I did not blow up, because at least she was right. I asked her, will I ever get better? She said it was a process. That made me feel worse. I told her she was a rotten therapist. Her affect remained unchanged. I told her she had no feelings. I asked her how does it feel, not to be able to feel? She gave me that Buddha smile. Totally unphased. I was impressed by her robot. I shut up and started listening. I had eyeliner blend into my eye from the crying, and asked for a tissue. She told me get it yourself. Not to be mean, just because (as she had explained a hundred times before) that would be caretaking.

 I stumbled blind around the room for a tissue. I fell out the window. I didn't know it was open. I was wondering how the air-conditioning was so strong that day. Or how they could afford such a skillful window washer. Because the air was so cool, the glass so clear. Before the makeup fell into my cornea. I did not report any of that, because I was supposed to only report my symptoms. Leave all the clutter thoughts up in my attic. I mean head. Well, they came out all right. But not until I landed on my attic, or the ground came up to meet me, after I shook hands with the window. I still could not see. But at least I could think straight. Props to my therapist. Shout outs to the EMTs who came and kept all my blood from running down the sidewalk and away from me.