Wednesday 17 November 2010

we fall


we both recently (and not so recently) came to the exact conclusion that sanity had not only slipped away from the day but had the nerve to blow curfew and the night wide open...yes the night wide open was she.
has been.
 had been
   has been
     she was

and looking quite seductive and attracting our energy. i remember with sadness. we remember collectively, dont we?
 we the witches the sufis the mystics the number people
 who lived and died by the numbers, we still do. Scratched, rolled, got high kick adrenaline off numbers. got lowdown dirt broke laid over the numbers.

over the numbers
  by the tracks
    across them
       a double cross them, too

a double cross on this one night. the double crosser three times heated over some petty useless argument murderers murder over. need an excuse, that's all. cannot kill without reason. have no reason. loss of reason. no real reason. loss of reality. loss of consciousness. deliberate loss or...just lost.
Lost double crosser fumbling to get wide of my skinny jeans on the beach last night. tonight. tommorrow night, too. some kinda player he fashions himself. me some kinda someone? his boo?
Well this boo was not gonna open up for no singular double crosser, guess what.

guess that
 if youre guessing
  though im guessing
    guess what?
     im guessing you aint!
 Threw my sandy blonde hair back over my eyes so not to give away whats behind them (betrayal, upsetness, agitation). The colors were changing, my iris, the colors...i can feel them the colors. cobalt blue...
turning royal.

For all i know i am crossed in this setup? its painful. its real. all i know that i know. stop confusion, but how?stay true. dedicated. honor self. how i feel...

how i feel?
 how i know
   this knowing?
      so replete!
           my feelings?
              just so

i knew he was violent, or his means to my end. not that he could help it?
but i could!
just so
just so used to damn violence! yet unacclimated. always im touched! made to feel like giving up. violent with the world, violent with self, violent with me. i got the patch, i got the goddamn medal! ya, i got raped...
are you kidding me?

Come here with your weak game to this ball of resistance. this wall. my existence. come here to my softness. and soft may i be -- yet FULL of BOLD character!
like english

Okay heres something! heres something you need to know. coffee may be your choice, black no sugar, right, huh? im right. i know im right. no i dont need the receipt. i walked away before you chanced to raise your eyelids your eyes to level of your arm outstretched with the white paper flag. what? white paper peace?

you never even caught me half mad out the door
half mad
half out
half lost by
the door

half mad
half out
half empty
half sad

you were sore. i was sick none innocent.
i sent.
  for to see
   i sent 4 the doctor.
 The pain so great. sent you. sent for. lost in it! where were we? double crosser.
double cross and raise you twenty.
double cross. hell. double more. the poverty adds up...
adds up to

you saw yourself then? did you? you seen yourself going?
 you would not have been comin on to your boys about how this bitch was on the take. would you now? would you then? you your solemn sorry self.  just trying to score.

had you seen yourself going down -- you could have, would have, saved your self
again. recounting the drama the day drove into you
 your lungs
   what you call a heart?

you who made the world ache in the eighties. with your prosperous nonsense, your unnecessary...ness.
 you gave when giving itself was on the fuckin take, jake!
 call it!
you must!
a snake is a snake! no one ever mistook a snake. reptilian counters your smooth wanna-moves...
No one.
not even that younger girl you had
down by the small towns
small lake.
 a quiet night it was. and thats what gave you away. too late? too late. too late for her anyway. shit. shes the kinda one im here to remind you of, hello? if not myself whom you clearly forgot behind your made upedness.

i was worn out
was my make up...
 well, just fell. Fallen down in cream mineral, bare essential, straight loss. i gave up on you, double crosser.
you and your double cross.

you see, i crossed too. i had to!
got prepared
  had an agenda
   planned it out
      (what a cost)

Ya I wore the long boots, skinny jeans. You saw, you knew!
 (some might say you wanted it, too).
i feel cursed.
i feel cursed just like you.
just so

you will -- i knew -- you would -- always do
 make me &  you the monsters, in this creature double cross feature.
this sordid rendez-vous.

Made me a star (we did).
i got the feeling awash over me like a little kid. i did.
whose feelings come like waves, roll out like petals to the song of the sun every day.
 opened up. in this state. what state? hey! what state?
was it bliss?
were we pensive?
were we texas?
No, no. no, i never been there. will you take me?
 im a star, remember? THE STAR!

No, no! i wont go then. cause see? im some star, right, and stars shine, they do, right?
 They dont go
   they dont go
     just where you ask them.
Dont listen, stars, do they?
(always gotta get some action)
You know by what you get...
what you get when you ask them.

Royal blue drained to cobalt
i hid this from you.
you did not exist for me, then.
nor did i, for you.

you kill me!
a little more every time.
im tired. im tired thats why im talking to you. about you
to you
  about you
          for you... one nation of you (under you)...
              fuck you

see? we fall down
its fall
and we fall
falling together
falling down...

over one
over all

we fall
we fall

Tuesday 2 November 2010

so many days (response to so many mornings)

Her letter she shared....

so many mornings her words casting shadows, lightning, flower ash towering then floating toward solid ground...  i maybe wonder if believing would make a clearer path, a clearer way, a nearly even closely brighter day... i hesitate, exhale, inhale, feeling the wiry pulses, dreaming your forever wakening, sworn sacred, prayed without direction, visioning fragments... you and i, i and you, me and my baby sister, stain us red.

dared to believe. so i hesitate again...i fear and hardly fathom... what blesses me. away from falling forever forsaken. i cannot lose this love. 

the stories, the illiteration, the exquisiteness of oh the heart... we cannot lose this now. maybe we
can... we WIll and do transcend our selves the part of us the says we don't belong. even so alone... until You stand exactly before me,  your bright eyes of grean blue shine hue give everything ... give me warmth where ther was only emptiness. have i told you about the way i lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv                    

Response to her letter...

So many days
exactly where you stand
i too stand
votives lit and left us trembling with the shadow and light. your lashes flickering in love electric, electric in the night. acoustics of devotion so very nice! just right. Insecurity factory shut down, all the chipmunks been laid off. The smokestacks stand black and stare blankly into our clear skies.

no more smoke
no more lies
no loss of focus
meeting in our eyes

gotta stop the motion, get past the crashing waves and out to the great stillness... of the ocean. Observe. Sit in silence and see? We would be all right and we wouldnt, the forces around us determined. Located us, held us for awhile.  and then we got our chance to locate ourselves, our extravagantly suffered styles! Then we clash, suffer, start over, buffer. go easy. be nice. try and trust... remember the early moments? the rush? the clean attraction? enticing! trance-like! the pilot light must stay lit, to keep us altogether. the candle with her image in water on the altar. may be eternal. this light. to hold up against our trying weather.

Hours and hours of suffering went to dust after this!
Taken by the wrist
Leading one another

see what you're about
see what i'm about
we are like kids again!
like kids!

Contradictory was the sky to the ground. What the ground whispered to the grass --overheard by the weeds. Turned them yellow. gold. what was fresh became old. Without the sun, the ground feels quite cold. seeds sprout up and out. heated. gossip spreads through the gardens. some of the fearful collect in clumps. like islands though. by getting so close like that, see the ground all around them? straight up stark, empty. like coming together caused a great separation. or a moat? do they do this for protection? will they vote in the next election? or just stay static in their safe place? will they see us when we pass? will they honor us with acknowledgment? or turn away, again? you and me, we are the weary travelers i suppose. walk the earth to heaven knows.

thats how we are, thats just how life goes
no need to resist

cease and be still now!

the cold earth? the clumps? no matter anymore
not for long
these weak forces

my blood toward yours