december 7

i know how to crash and burn. it's easy to live reckless and abuse power and destroy the life you created. it's easy to not pay attention on purpose. but you will have to live with the outcome. and that's very hard. the reconstruction era. coming to a clearing and realizing there's nothing left, even the foundation may be scarred. how terrifying to start over, but you can and hopefully will make something positive out of negative space. creating something out of nothing may be the greatest joy of living!

december 6

today will be like most days and i am content with the lot i have. out of bed without an alarm just before five am, woken by the cold nose of one of my two kittens in our little family. i will take my single pill and put the coffee on, do a couple of jumping jacks and make a single phone call. then for the coffee and water in an lamp lit room at an old oak desk i have had for a quarter century. i still don't always know where to situate my feet what with the outcroppings of two crossed wooden legs in the way. there will be this silence amid the brief blasts of furnace and sound of keys tapping. i used to write on paper as a kid but i am a late gen x and got my first mac plus, and what a dream, on my 17th birthday, and never really looked back. i don't often know where to situate myself in my writings, for every author will, but i do try and be honest about life and these days i am working on telling these stories in a more linear fashion, so they can be read without so great a confusion folks give up right early.

december 5

when i was younger it was easy to be welcoming to strangers, not having had too many awful experiences with people yet. i still believe in being welcoming. i join people in various shared spaces. so long as we are all able to respect one another, not judge and condemn. powerful things can happen in shared spaces when people are willing to listen, speak, and challenge. to confront and be confronted without devaluing or name calling. i believe in being welcoming because, even though i am less trustful of people and society in general, based on my experiences,  it is the honorable thing to do. i even welcome people into my shoebox apartment despite the risk that they might find my home shoddy or small or wonder why i'm not able to afford better. i try to keep a clean place and prepare a nice dish like broiled salmon. i take this risk out of gratitude, for many people have welcomed me into their homes.

red raspberry

when we were kids a raspberry was a scrape you got running around and making friction against the skin. the kid with the biggest raspberry was honored as a warrior. i remember i once injured myself on purpose. well, it was the first time i ever did that, jumping from a real high place, knowing i would sprain an ankle at the very least. i ended up landing on my arm and sprained my wrist. i remember wishing i had broke it 'cause i wanted a cast for kids to write their names on me. instead all i got was a sling and a bag of ice. i sought out attention in many ways that were backwards. negative. i went on to hurt myself in decidedly dangerous ways as i got older. addiction. putting a cig out on my arm. i wanted to numb all the painful feelings. today i have learned to let the feelings rise and fall without trying to arrest them. your feelings cannot kill you. today i sometimes pack a peanut butter sandwich for my lunch. with red raspberry.

december 3

Yesterday i was clicking in pretty well after the holiday weekend. got a lot of rest in me so my energy was clear and i could take on anything coming my way. i get fatigued after endless weeks of working, i get drawn down and nothing left to give. it's important to give ourselves time and space to recharge, refresh and refocus on our goals and our mission so we can be of maximum service. coffee can only take you so far in a capitalist society which would be happy to work you to death. then take your bones and drill holes in them and use them for machine parts to keep on working towards what only god knows!

book review

Ame and the Tangy Energetic 

by 

Katya Mills (Goodreads Author)

 

Nick Reeves's review 

Dec 01, 2019

liked it

Katya Mills comes on like Douglas Coupland's pill-addled street scion in this skid row helter skelter psychic tumble through a downtown United States of Imagica.

Ame & The Tangy Energetic rails against the sheen and shite of corporate pop culture and captures both the hyperreality and the blur of the high, the bleed-out of the sidewalk comedown.

Mills will dose your soda with her magical, druggy, otherworldly cocktail when you ain't looking.

A tale of getting clean, with washing machines.

(Also well worth checking out are Katya's YouTube readings of 'Ame...')

december 1

first sunday. last month of the year. up at dawn. i listen to the heater ignite off the pilot while drinking coffee from my union jack mug. the heads of the palm trees are bobbing, dancing. i see them through the window, signaling the storm. i think back on what i have accomplished and ahead to the challenges i face. working my first year as a manager for a nonprofit organization based here in sacramento. i am responsible not only to my staff but also my therapy caseload. stressed and tired i come home looking for calm and rest. while i wish i could be building community, i cannot always summon the energy. i tend to devote more time to my writing projects at home. i have to strike a balance to sustain physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychosocial health. there's only so much you can do in a day. i am trying to spend less time online and more time reading books...considering how life has gone this year and what lies ahead, i guess what i hope for is to keep a spiritual core. what i mean is move away from self-criticism or comparing myself against other measures, and towards acceptance of my life, as is. there are plenty of ways i feel disappointed. and while i want to allow myself to feel, i also want to check it against my reality, the context of my life, and show myself some love for staying on the pulse, and going after what matters, courageously moving forward in the proper direction. i am lucky and blessed to be alive and have my family and friends, food and shelter. i have enough cash on hand to navigate a capitalist society, and a fair amount of freedom to roam around and position myself in the places where i feel useful and valued. i am grateful for the gift i have to outreach to my community in ways i see i can help make a difference. thank you for visiting my site today. i wish you all the best. keep the faith.   - katya w. mills