escargot

a steady hand
wandering mind
moods break and make
a row
you get it down
in columns
even if it's slow
escargot

#katyamills

nov 27

 today's nightmare ... tomorrow's dream

#katyamills

nov 26

 the end of happiness today gives ground for the beginning of happiness tomorrow

#katyamills

the wild ones

I ran out of words again

it was the most painful feeling i ever had

and completely unacceptable

the day would be long the night would be difficult

yes I would have to dream far 

and wide to wrangle the wild

ones

#katyamills

drama 2

the run was over 

the lead wiped the makeup off his face

staring down the dressing room mirror

backstage

wishing they would take this show 

on the road

jealousy lay in wait

outside these theatre walls

the kind of drama you could not 

rehearse for 

#katyamills

care 2

whenever he asked her out 

she went she let fall her brown hair she

let him pursue her they went for cocktails

one night under her influence

he thought she cared about him

more than anyone but 

she was simply

drunk

#katyamills

sky keeps the secret

every november they traveled from adjacent towns for the weekend. crossed the half-sunken bridges spanning the boggy marsh. never to be seen again. a grey sky kept the secret in the eyes of the old spotted owl.   #katyamills

lavender

years ago we papered the walls in lavender. our only home. now it has faded and the kids have drawn all over. you want to tear it down. i like it the way it is. why do I feel like any one of a thousand disagreements will end us? the color softens my mood and let it be.  #katyamills

k memoir exxxcerpt

 When we fight I can go from zero to one hundred and all the memories of all the fights I have ever been in, come back. This time I was flashing back on Kali and how terribly we fought when we were under some influence. She would come at me with a fist and I would be shocked and try to duck and sometimes she would catch me on the jawline or jab her knuckles into my shoulder and I have to confess it felt good being hit, I wanted to be, it brought me into my body and out of my head where all the bad thoughts were torturing me in those days. We were lovers in these strange phases of wanting to kill each other. It would last for hours maybe days or until one of us acquiesced. and we made a shaky peace because it was too exhausting to keep on fighting and we lived together. Then we could lie our bodies down and watch mindless tv and drink and wonder if we could ever hold one another and feel loved the way we had before, after all the blistering hatefulness. This was twenty ten and I was thirty-seven and Kali, who I thought at the time was my forever, who I wanted to be and burdened with the responsibility of being my forever, was almost forty. We took selfies of ourselves and printed them out on colored paper after photoshopping them and tacked them to the wall of the room where we were staying. We walked down the paths hidden beneath trees down the hill to Grand Avenue and the last Blockbuster in the world, holding hands, to rent obscure movies. I preferred horror and she preferred crime, and the genres seemed to bleed off the screen and into our life together. We didn’t fuck enough, in her opinion, and she held it against me. And the more she held it against me, the less I wanted to. #katyamills

pact with the subconscious?

the subconscious made a sycophant 

of me. night after night i made a case for the material of dreams 

not to torment

i offered up classical music and salt lamps and feathers of goose 

down 

i got nothing 

but the same so I took ahold of this 

and charted my course 

by stars

  #katyamills

scratch

 a rainy night. waiting for you at the train station in the shadow of a high rise. we have a couple years to catch up on my dear sister. to get started i will make you coffee. from scratch.   #katyamills

pressure made the river

callous looks in the subways

charitable smiles to pure disgust

the reactions had a range

pressure made a river

what it was. it never started pretty 

they cut through settled lands

fomenting division

still. they reverberated inside

no longer pretending no longer wondering

what could have been

#katyamills

shadow of exxxpectations

when we were little ones we lived in long shadows of expectations. unless you wanted what they wanted this made for some suffering. it was good to believe in yourself. how can anyone demand you refuse your heart’s calling? challenge them. show them how much it means to you.

#katyamills

mop radio

the gallon jug of Arizona got away from me

took a bounce off the sensor

came apart on the floor

the blue vests gather around staring at the puddle

someone radio the cleanup crew

another broken heart 

#katyamills

BBC and Vitamin C

a terrifying dream all alone in the back seat of a van being driven by no one in reverse on the highway upwards of eighty miles an hour. when I awoke I took a swig of orange juice and let the BBC and spoken language calm me. #katyamills

fish E

I love my fish! she said. tranquil. could they love me too? eyes look opposite directions. i cannot tell. who said love needs eyes?  #katyamills

nov.ember

november arrived  

the wars multiplying like cell phone towers and fear

the only one who might help was 

any of the gods

the line was corrupt or unattended

the pantheon hallucinating 

#katyamills

i was not well until i was

anyone could tell i

was not well

those who cared had tried and failed

to help uplift my life 

derailed 

from this low and dreary

state. having lost what i had left 

to lose

to die not of despair i chose

to be a light for some small one

suffering

this need not define you

let the pain inform you

you can and will

make it out

#katyamills

mango lassi

have the mango lassi! 

a boy on a scooter implored 

rolling table to table in the Indian restaurant 

we did not indulge

remembering this passionate face one day

i will

#katyamills