liken

 the culture grew on us like lichen. in time we would be fighting and hurting too. it got so hard to remember we could only imagine how we were before. I wrote some simple words... you drew something... reminiscent of loving. 

#katyamills

care 2

whenever he asked her out 

she went she let fall her brown hair she

let him pursue her they went for cocktails

one night under her influence

he thought she cared about him

more than anyone but 

she was simply

drunk

#katyamills

the hour you meet the world

wistful you push us too hard. with some slow burn desire you push us. you push us too hard. you sing this song night and day feverish after what you long for yourself. please. sit back and count the stars. the hour you meet the world. let things be as they are.  #katyamills

you and i

pushing through a friday

cabbage and coffee grounds

span of paperwork cuts of dark 

chocolate. don't know how don't know

why i cannot stop loving

you

#katyamills

give free or die

I wish i could stop myself, arrest my forward motion, always in a rush the way i am, to be there for someone who is calling on me, in a hallway, on the street, out in the front yard or on the sidewalk heading to or from work or errands. Often they call and they always have. Years ago i stopped stopping for them, to give them my time and attention, no, i taught myself not to give my presence and maybe only a smile or not, giving nothing else but a smattering of words, before making my way to the next destination in a rush. i was usually in a rush. i still am. but it was more than that, i was also fearful and guarded of people from a young age, you see, i was the exact same age as the first kid whose face was plastered on the side of every whole milk carton back in the 1980's. those kinda happenings were iconic then and remembered dearly today, too, for they changed the operation of many a nuclear family, and likely the percentage of latchkey kids fell down for a moment, as mothers and fathers and aunts and uncles began to watch a touch more closely their kids. all i remember is i was called home many early evenings when i preferred to be out wandering the streets with my young friends. i thought surely when i reached double digits i could be trusted to come home in my own time, but nope it rarely happened. sure there was a lot of freedom, after all, this was america and this was new hampshire and this was live free or die country. so i did my fair share of wandering, skateboarding around playing cards, chewing bubble gum, and making out with other kids. still, guardedness got drilled into my dna and today it takes a concerted effort to open my heart to anyone at any time, for i always feel like many particles of magnet being sucked north. there must be a mantra in my head to help me along back into my original open and giving ways. give free or die! that's the one! i found it! now to put it in motion and change my life, i cannot wait! to start stopping for them again! fresh! to stop when i think i am in a rush and ask myself, why, katya, are you in such a rush? where really do you think you oughta be at this moment? can it not be here? with this one who is calling upon you in a simple greeting and willing to stop and give themselves freely to you? are you not honored? and can you not stop also and honor them with your presence? give of yourself freely today? what is the cost of all these moments in the halls, on the sidewalks of the world, in the streets, in the parks? the cost, my friend, is the life itself. for what is living if not sharing and loving and caring? these small exchanges, when widened and opened and made space for, they are the life! are they not? please, give free or die, i pray that i may answer the call of my people in the world, and today may i be with you. for you are all i really have, and i am yours.

thanksgiving

If life has worn you out, be worn out for a while and let yourself surrender. Try and be grateful. For only can you be tired by living if you have truly lived, and it is the living that you did that made you feel the way you feel now. Some don't get the chance to feel beat down by a hard day's work because for some reason they are not living like you are, maybe they are not now capable of really letting themselves go and get carried away. May today be a day to give thanks for the life that beats us up and wears us out, working, raising kids, building something, caring for someone, devotion, fighting for something, loving someone, learning our lessons, taking our licks, falling, getting up, pulling ourselves together, asking for help, succeeding, failing, crying, laughing, running, shouting, breathless, dreaming, getting quiet again... and looking back we would do it all over again.

another song. played out

please
i am already

on deserted ground
 waiting for a swing or a push

i can push myself and
push myself around

i remember the way i treated you
before you pushed
my limits

i like who i was
then i could 

make you laugh
and it felt good to laugh
with you

now i'm drowned
in venom

not so long go
nearly all i had left to give was
giving of my
time

now nothing
can be undone
or done

no more terrible
no striking out
 no leaving what is left
no ladies and gentleman
this is the end of the show
you must go

i got the last issue
a few words chained together
hopelessly

given
gave up

blankets in the winter
piled into my arms

Katy self-portrait '12

and then

silently
smothered

be cautious now!

be quick! i tell myself
be careful anymore!

dear child i am again reduced
or blown up
to revisit

i come home late...
 long after supper...
slowly shut the door
up the creaky
stairs

though i coulda
done some kinda wrong by you
i only did what i had to do
which was hard

nah, easy
over easy
real easy
sunny side up
(dark side
down)

to protect me and
grit your teeth!
to protect
you, too, me
and you

what's done is done
and the recidivist rate
of suffering rises with
the mercury...

not just you
i hurt
too

i am who i am and make no excuses
 i have only so much energy
i do what i can to keep
the pilot lit

i guess
some think
i start fires

but i believe
i build them