1.15.25

silence amplifies

the words amplify

the silence






we talk for a while and then i feel better

about it






what would I do without

you




#katyamills

six twenty two

the best part was

you made me free 

2 say whatever I had to say

2 dress how I felt like 

2 be in diverse moods 

2 go anywhere with you 

knowing you would 

protect us


#katyamills

fatal moment #12

imbue the heart with dreamy goodness 

after some fatal provocation 

in a strange house 

edge of railyards 

wind whistling past the ears 

under the cut of Saturn ring 

encircled by many moons 

confetti of blown stars 

home roast sumatran 

8 track potential 

friendship 

at last

#katyamills

the deepest end

some lives go off 

the deepest end 

what if they did not sell the soul

it got absconded

 #katyamills

the one true friend

you

at eleven

was nothing like you 

at fourteen

beyond the years

red with fire and no longer 

green

please 

let me be the one true friend

i refuse to amble along

pretending not

to notice

#katyamills

01234

in the fields wet with dew

we walk

the body needs not touch

for solace

we are primary

when we overlap 

a letter at midnight i hold to my heart

how the light 

filters through

#katyamills

one and two

i was one milk tea short of a spectacular day

when you told me you were at your breaking point 

the beneficiary of your former friend's rage 

i doubled up my order adjusted my coordinates

and found you     #katyamills

Daniela

dispossessed
provocative

her disenfranchised hair chopped

draft copy

the lens
through which she
saw was
rose

wraps of scarves
continuity of thought

in those unlucky lost days
we enjoyed a vodka and maybe a smoke
or ten or never enough

traveled by jeep
through tunnels

the light 

what was left of it

collected
sustained
the fabric
my friend
myself
and
threaded
the dawn

#katyamills

workers on break

slowed heartbeats

inhaling the rain 

on break

stirring grounds 

in the kettle

pushing the embers

cutting earth out of the sole

with a blade

cherishing a smoke

with a friend

#katyamills

OFA

i wanna make
more memories
can only pick up
the ones we had

dearest Ofa

after breaking down
i get up. you would want me
to 

be strong
and
do the good
work

#katyamills

2005

i met a space man with a chemist

for a friend. my truck broke down

again. an epic perfectionist i 

made friends on craigslist i could not stand to be the one

you got to know. i was changing 

you left me i howled

when you were gone

#katyamills

overshare

wild sockeye salmon
broiled with sprouts potatoes and stuffing and
she liked it. we talked about our lives. i got caught up
in the story of my past and overshared. i could
not retreat

you got a real friend when you
decide to stick around despite the urge to run
shake the salt and pepper and
it only brings you
closer

friendship combo

what if you became we 

would the disparity between our worldviews 

soften? 

no more blame game

let us try making somethin outta what we have

 then if we succeed

we can celebrate our friendship

 combined

painted fences

i was moody i was ready i was running through a field. i was young i was adventurous i was heading for a fall.

you were walking you were friendly eating raspberries off the bush. you were older and reticent and you wanted to protect me.

we were unlikely bound for friendship in a deep and southern town. we drank orange juice walked the shoreline. painted fences stood us down.

ends

ends are unlike me I like moving along and on and breaking bread with friends again. many months from now to trade memories and embrace, we will see how we never ended at all

IT'S HARD

i remember our old town, early eighties. we were kids, riding our ten speeds out for some records or ice cream or pizza or movies, and usually to your house same day. find some trees to climb or trouble to get into. even then i felt different and it made me uneasy around people. painful sometimes. but i always felt i could be myself around you. i wonder what you're up to now. life is hard, isn't it? i wish i could find you and take you down some dirt path where we could talk, and i thank you.

an easy recycling of a difficult time

They landed carelessly on the bench and caught up. A duck waddled past them and floated itself in the pond. The lamps were beginning to respond to dusk, and passerbys grabbed their coats around them to keep warm. Not a second went by where a leaf would not take flight and spiral to the ground, and the path was crunchy underfoot. They drank tea from paper cups and decided how they might make use of the night. There was a rooftop to situate themselves with a lesser known vantage of the skyline, west by northwest. They could hang their legs over the ledge and let worries fall away. They had known one another for years, yet it never felt stale; sometimes united, other times more divisive. The lights on the skyline got blurry with tears, still beautiful in an abstract sorta way, the shattering and scattering of every straight line. An easy recycling of a difficult time.

another loss - vii

it's been over five years since I saw you, my friend, and I heard that you died this july. i don't know if you ever really got clean, but i heard that you tried and that's more than we could of said about us back then, when we were full tilt, chaotic. the new life in me cries for you, my friend, the old embers in my eyes glow in remembrance, i mean, i have forged a path in recovery and life has new wonders to share. i only wish you could have made it through, too. i relocated north of there, not long after the night we shared with music and laughter and our common bond. the signs had accumulated for some time, flashes of gunfire and madness and theft, and the trails and traces of my chemical romance had ended in black smoke signals, severely. my angels were there looking out for me, they saw me into my despairing, then gave me a chance and reason to change, and i implored God and let go and reached out and took up a new and renewable source, and brandished my pen once again. each and every day i can thank my loves for letting me live, and i wonder where were yours, where were yours? your star would have risen and lit up a world, and your daughter would have felt loved once again, and for her and for you and the world i am sad...

another loss -iii

I was in
      between pages
a book without
binding

You let me stay
with you
one night
a moment's notice

we were friends
our lives derelict
 unusual

the music
the midnight
oil

      bands like us
cannot make it
no more

 traded street level
 stories

         left out
again. in the sunlight
 soon to be
exposed

 before dawn

 you were kicking
back. i was several back
packs deep to and from
Magnolia street

several unsavory characters
wanted a piece
of me they
could not catch
me

       thank god
 for this
       bicycle...

wheels

there's really nothing wrong with two people coming together for a time, living together, being together, and then having differences drawin them apart, a change of heart, and then lookin for another start somewhere else with someone else. there might be a culture invested in keeping you together or a family that hopes for you to heal. and yes, you could recover, the two of you, you could but it would have to take both of you with all your might to make it right. all the bad blood pooled up like that. it would be very hard. the world wants you both to make it, yes, the culture, maybe even the family. but suns rise and wheels roll and pavement cracks and suns set, and what with all the change you find it hasn't happened yet? there's really nothing wrong with moving on.