presence avoidance and condemnation

do not condemn yourself

for not being fully present 
even the most celebrated among us 

shy away from pain

#katyamills

it's not what you think

 

the sun lasered the moon into a lemon wedge

what we thought

this day would be like

was nothing like

what it was

#katyamills

date with the center of the earth

falling

all the escape routes calling out  

i choose none

#katyamills

July 11 2023

As a practicing psychotherapist, I notice my clients coming into therapy worn down from battling external world stressors and they do not yet have the approach or the skills (mindfulness) to see how the internal world (thoughts, feelings, sensations, impulses) is operating. Or they may be avoiding the interior (which often works against them). You can empower yourself by learning mindfulness which is in some part just directing your attention to your internal world and listening without judgment. You will find that your greater awareness can hold just about anything, and you can have a little distance from them by becoming a witness of your own experience. Try simply noticing, acknowledging and describing what's happening. What thoughts are arising? What feelings? What sensations or impulses are arising in relationship to those automatic feelings and thoughts? These feelings and thoughts inform one another and influence our behavior and our inaction, too. It helps to build a relationship with them. Dialogue with your fear, your anxiety, your sadness. Ask it what it wants from you at any particular moment. You will find they have good and bad sides to them. They may be trying to help you but in all the wrong ways. You can challenge them if they are over or under blown. Meditation can help. Watching them arise as you are trying to focus on your posture and your breath. Letting it all be. Acknowledging it happening without judging or criticizing yourself. Becoming less attached and less unattached or avoidant. Watch how they subside, arising and falling like waves. Understand the natural cycles of things. Surf an urge or impulse without actually acting on it. See how long you can last. Play with it. The problem with mindlessness, in my opinion, is that we become enmeshed with aspects of our interior world, and when you think you are your thoughts, or you are your feelings, this can cause suffering. You can learn not to buy in so much. Just let them in, have them for tea, but challenge them when they have outrageous ideas like telling you that you are nobody or nobody likes you, or that you will never get things right because you're a screw up. No! That is a lie! You’re really not broken or faulty or unloved. You are living in the context of an unforgiving, fast-paced, judgmental, patriarchal, capitalist world! And it is having a bad effect on you. Anyone might naturally feel lonely, alienated, weak, and hopeless in this context. Don't believe everything your automatic thoughts tell you. Talk to them. Question them. Stay curious. And try to keep moving toward your values, toward your happiness. Fight for your life if you must. Find the ones out there who you can understand, the ones who can appreciate your struggle, the ones who give you the sense of belonging that everyone is thirsty for. Try to envision your best self and be your best self today. Don't give up hope!  #katyamills

the undivided

there was light enough

to bring the work to completion

the sun soon corralled

behind the fence

wasted was the fullness

hanging heavy off 

the vine

troubled were the thoughts 

arising in the mind

i gave them my undivided

until the sky was red

then with a wink 

sent them off

to bed

#katyamills

the one that got away

if the mind had its way

like a hungry perch i would take the hook

giving its thoughts some radio play

fighting and jumping 

reeled in 

today needs no rebellion

fins tattered lip scarred i swim the depths

the one that got away

#katyamills

dead or alive

sometimes

if you get very still with yourself

and listen closely

the palm of your hand on your chest

your heart will tell you

all you need 

to know

if you get nothing

call the doctor

you may be dead

#katyamills

the romance of the screens

will you lead 

the opposition of the urge 

to indulge past past past the point of full

to sleep in long long long on a sunday 

to watch swipe watch?

it takes guts to knife the romance 

of the screens

the eyes hurt the head aches and

love is opposition

is bold

#katyamills

11 stay

stay with this
salt it dress it season it
if you like
or leave it bare and taste it
truly

stay with yourself
your breath and
your life

all the horrors and
wonders

#katyamills

misspent holiday

they ran up their hotel bills

feeling the world had run its course

overcharged to the maxxx 

living for the moment they championed 

another misspent holiday

they didn't care they even welcomed 

the aftermath

#katyamills

paws

under a frothy sky of foam

we were going round and round

these arguments long lost sense

breath of life what i would take 

and give. a moment  just to live

#katyamills

un.con 39

in the thirty-ninth year on earth the uncon appeared and became conscious. a new formidable player in my life. uninvited. she had to be held up at the gate, a credentials check was imperative. this puppy has some torque to her, i thought, my adrenaline rising at the sight of her. she might turn over the apple cart (the stomach the sole beneficiary). i made a quick decision and i killed her - with kindness. i could no longer survive being conned.  #katyamills

5.22

the news of the world became more and more a venom

administered into the vein by the cell phone 

#katyamills

12.22.21

the rains came down hard 

sleep escaped me for some time i 

dreamt my car was broken in and 

had a run in with the cops

when i awoke i cried to the kittens who 

replied by flourishes of tail

you only have today 

so make the most! make 

the most!

#katyamills

sailing

tacked down

put in irons whipped with sheets

and tapered knots

we caught a sudden gust from the west

and turtled

shocked by cold salt water

we emerged

free again we sailed

slanting rolling edging

one with foaming whitecaps

dotting the horizon

#katyamills

pre.sent

you 

are when you are you

are not when

you are 

not

#katyamills

the second recipro.city

how unusual to give the attention 

undivided like an orange like 

a planet like the wheels that drive an engine 

in this our post-industrial society

specialization so refined the mouth 

has no relation to the belly

#katyamills

world bipolar

time made history we

shred the wheat in the bowl

soak in milk and 

digest. they lie in the mud

sheltered by big red hats

and flags. injustice

never ends. world bipolar we hope we 

retreat then take the stage

more colorful than red

white and blue 

#katyamills

big sky

why so sad?
she asks

my girl my
lovely
thin t shirt
above me

smiling not quite
drunk pinning her locks
to my heart

i dunno it's so crystal
this moment
big sky holds
us

i snap the
bra strap
as she yawns



#katyamills
remix 1996

3am

3am. alive and well. technology

my friend at last 4
i can telework

my cats bunny and mouse
my copilots. so excited they woke me up too early

fuck it. coffee on the stove

what more can i ask?
i am in love

if not for this intractable pandemic
reality is like a little child held up

high to the sky after

the big kiss