sunny side up

from now on i cook my eggs sunny side up

the way i liked them when i was a kid

fought off corona for a fortnight and survived

grateful and making some changes

one order of life. bright with yolks unbroken

on a raft of impossible dream come true

 

   #katyamills

visions

i saw visions

a porsche turning circles in the snow 

a man pissing on a brick wall barrows

wheeled over hay early 

dawn

i got chills 

a headache 

the light hurt my eyes i saw 

visions as the melody 

sorted out the 

birds

#katyamills

pandemic day 20

April 6
Global cases = 1,286,000
USA = 337,000
Sacramento = 442E

NYC is supposed to apex this week, while other major American cities are on the rise. We are definitely as a nation nowhere close to out of the woods. Vaccine not in sight. Testing still very limited. Supply of ventilators dwindling. I went to the grocery store and wore a paper surgical mask. About a third of people shopping also wore masks. Finally I was able to find eggs and italian sausage. I talked to my dad and he says although the economy is facing a serious recession he doesn't expect another Great Depression. He's a finance professional so I took comfort in his words. It was comforting speaking with my brother and mom over the weekend. And my aunt last week. I worked on my novel over the weekend which was the best distraction, trying to stick to my routines. I may take a hiatus on this pandemic diary, as the first 20 days gives you a pretty good idea of what one slice of life was like living through it, if you happen to be reading this many years from now and curious to know. I wanted to capture what it felt like. We certainly have hard days ahead in this city, this state, this country, and all over the world. Yet we are 8 billion strong. The greater long term question is how long can the earth and her atmosphere sustain such a thriving species as ours? Some great minds are certain it won't be long. There is a fascinating global quest to relocate humanity on Mars. I would love to witness this in my lifetime.

pandemic day 19

April 5
Global cases = 1,216,000
USA = 311,000
Sacramento = 390E

The decentralized approach our current administration has taken towards combating the covid19 has not been very effective. The proof is in the numbers. USA has over twice the reported cases of infections than any other country, and this statistic cannot be written off as justified by greater access to virus testing in our country, because our testing has been scarce and targeted only to those who have been most vulnerable and exposed. Trump has let the States battle it out with a wild west mentality for equipment on the global market. Other countries have complained that the orders they placed to pay on delivery for equipment shipped by air were pirated by cash payments directed by US operatives. Germany and France are among the countries in dire need of equipment making these seemingly outrageous claims. I would imagine they are not making it up! Because when everyone is watching a desperate and tearful New York governor Cuomo on prime time pleading for supplies, you can be damn sure no other state governor wants to be placed in a similar situation. The federal government is simply not in a position to help. Why? Because in the two months from when the administration was first alerted to the outbreak in Wuhan, China, those who advocated in daily briefings at the White House for funding to prepare for the high likelihood of an outbreak on American soil, were told to take a hike! And all they wanted was a few billion dollars early on, and then an order to force US Manufactures to produce the equipment needed. For two months our window to activate our finely tuned state of the art support systems to fight this deadly threat got smaller and smaller, until it fell on Trump's hands while he was leaning out the window looking at blue sky asking everybody: what threat? And even today there has been no direct national command to stay home. 8 US State governors still have not yet directed their constituents to do so. The wheels are certainly in motion and have been since I started this diary almost three weeks ago, but can they turn fast enough to save the cost of millions of lives? We do not yet know. I hope so. This could be a great lesson for the climate change deniers of the world. Look what happens when you wait too long before acting, your arguments seated in pride and nationalism. I love my country! I feel we have often led the way with thoughtful and compelling policy grounded in science and humanitarianism. The world has looked to us for answers. We have world-renowned creative thinkers and artists. In this case, the pandemic, I believe we let our allies and ourselves down. We have not been that grounding, protective force with leadership others can turn to. We have been unable to protect our own healthcare workers. The heroes of this dark time are our doctors and nurses and healthcare workers on the front lines. They are like soldiers without sufficient radar, without sufficient armor. Sparked by courage and a spirit, an ethos, to save lives. 

pandemic day 17

April 3
Global cases = 1,041,000
USA = 246,000
Sacramento = 361

I saw an image of NYC firefighters standing in the middle of the avenue applauding hospital staff. In five or six days they are expected to start running out of painkillers, PPEs (gowns, masks), sedatives, and ventilators. One nurse described going to work as 'sheep going in for the slaughter'. The governor is comparing covid19 to a 'slow-moving hurricane'. It's friday and I'm off work. I slept in and awoke to the beautiful sound of morning birds in springtime. The natural world outside is like nothing ever happened. It's my anchor. I took a walk to the seven eleven for a cup of coffee. Plexiglass now separates cashiers from customers. More and more people are wearing surgical masks. The city in the morning is quiet and far from the usual hustle and bustle of a morning commute. Over ten million Americans filed for unemployment in the last two weeks. Wimbledon and the Olympics are cancelled along with the entire sporting season. Kids are fetching chromebooks as school is out indefinitely. Church services are supposed to be accomplished online but several devilish pastors across the nation and in my hometown have been arrested for encouraging their congregations to continue to come on Sunday. The true idiots who somehow rose to power by accident are showing their true colors. Even our so-called leader of our nation ought to take a class in leadership. What ever happened to FDR and 'the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself?'

pandemic 2020 day 13

March 30
Global cases = 734,000
USA = 142,000
Sacramento = 164E (3.27)

One thing I learned is the covid19 may affect different blood types differently. They are suggesting blood type A may be more susceptible to the virus. I am searching my memory to recall my type, I think it's AB. I am happy to say my hero brought me a thermometer he got at Walmart yesterday. I can't believe it took over 2 weeks to find one. Now in the event I test positive I will be able to quarantine and have all I need to make it through on my own. Some of us will be really really lucky and never contract the virus. Perhaps a small minority get vaccinated a year from now and never be infected. The majority of us can expect to contract the virus, experience mild to moderate symptoms, and get through it safely at home. I have a teledoc and my Kaiser doctor to help me walk through the illness online. Then of course there are the 3% ers who may fall seriously ill and god be with you. Yesterday Dr Fauci, who is the bread and butter of the latest update on covid19 here in the States, predicted 'millions' will be infected and '1-200,000 Americas' will die. This news sent shock waves through my acquaintances. In my humble opinion, the number of fatalities is a great underestimate. There is no way he would be allowed to step up to the podium and give a candid appraisal and be completely forthcoming. Trump finally extended his wish for life (business) to go back to normal to April 30th (previously he wanted the churches packed on Easter, April 12th). I completely understand and do not fault him for pushing for the nearest possible moment to get the economy going. We are looking at a deep recession at best in the coming year. It could get a whole lot worse. Dan Rather was back on the news last night, crying, calling upon the courage our founding fathers. Few are alive today who were old enough to remember the Great Depression. You would have to read a book. Expect poverty and starvation for your average man. Most Americans don't think I could get so bad. But it could. On a brighter note, I personally am hopeful we will get through this and come out a better country. If history is any precedent, we will.

pandemic 2020 day 8

March 25.
Global cases = 433,000 
USA = 55,000
Sacramento = 88

I find peace in my routine in the morning. Getting up before dawn, making coffee, listening to classical music on NPR, writing, stretching, praying, talking with my cats and my love. Driving to work without traffic. Around me is a feeling of 'calm before the storm' as everyone's been watching how events unfolded in Italy, and expecting similar mayhem in the States. NYC is already in trouble. I have had several brushes with local cases. I have friends in recovery who attend meetings regularly at a church in Greenhaven, Sacramento. Two among the congregation have passed away from covid19 and many more tested positive. I had a client who had sxs and then tested negative. As of yesterday my colleague went to get tested, as she supported a client face to face last week who was admitted to the ER two days ago with sxs consistent with covid19. We are awaiting results of those tests. We serve vulnerable populations. Work is getting busier and busier as many employees including my fellow managers have had to stay home. Others have chosen to use PTO and stay home to 'flatten the curve' of infections or whom are caregivers for loved ones who are at greater risk due to age or condition. I have found my mood shuffling from courage to fear to anxiety to leadership, from heavy to light-hearted. Laughter is indeed the best medicine and my inner comedian has arrived. When under pressure I have discovered I am somewhat able to step up and rise to the occasion. If you think you need to get tested and want to arrange to get tested at a local testing site, you can utilize Verily, a medical offshoot of Alphabet (Google), which has a questionnaire you can fill out online or on your phone and it will set you up with an appointment if you meet the criteria (exposure to someone who has tested positive, underlying health conditions). The sites being set up are tents by hospitals and you can drive through. The trillion dollar economic stimulus package got approved last night and the stock market rose 11% which is the largest single day jump since 1933. Trump is dying to get the bull market back because he sees it as a reflection of his ego. All the medical advice contradicts his interest in having people go back to work by Easter. April is projected to be a painful time in the States, no matter how well we follow the CDC guidelines. My family has coalesced somewhat in the face of the crisis. It's hard to stay optimistic. I keep sane by being useful. When home I am focused on reading and cooking and writing. I keep calm at work by using my small authority to demonstrate kindness and leadership.

pandemic 2020 day 5

March 22, 2020. USA has jumped up in infection cases to become the 3rd highest behind China and Italy. Northern Italy is having a hell of a time. NYC looks to be in trouble going forward. China has been successful in containment, which I have learned relates to the infrastructure they have in place to contain people. So there are some hidden benefits of a Communist system! Today I will be going to the store in search for some of the items that I looked for last week and could not find. Mind you, I could have searched harder and probably found them but given that we are not supposed to move around a whole lot, I did not. A thermometer, tylenol (fever reducer), pasta, nasal spray, garlic, frozen vegetables, vitamins. I have been watching youtube videos of covid-19 survivors. It appears the virus can come on quickly with fever and cough, tightness in the chest, body aches, headache, and within 24 hours of onset of symptoms one may need to go the ER due to cardiovascular issues (racing heart and/or difficulty breathing). Call first if possible to alert them you are symptomatic! This will limit the potential to spread the virus unintentionally. We have to be unselfish no matter how panicked we may feel! Once quarantined, this 48 year old woman in Ohio testified (a year older than me), they gave her antibiotics and tylenol for 3 days than was good to go home and self-quarantine. She had no underlying health conditions. A younger woman reported how she got sick after going to a weekend party last weekend, and she was able to recover at home. She did not experience any cardiovascular sxs. Only through Facebook did she discover that several of her friends who were at the party got sick, too, and had tested positive for covid-19. So you can see how we can be conduits of the virus without ever realizing that we had it! For some it can come and go like any seemingly innocuous experience of cold and flu season. I want to continue to urge everyone to consider 'facts over fear' and stay calm. The only point of terror that resides in me, is the idea of having to go for medical help at some point in the future, and requiring a respirator and treatment for pneumonia, and not able to get one due to lack of supplies. I am excited to learn that the Governor of California is putting together a team of brilliant people including Elon Musk (founder of Tesla and SpaceX) to help shift our economy toward producing the equipment we will need in the coming days.

pandemic 2020 day 4

March 21, 2020. Over 300,00 infected. 13,000 died. The streets are full of life today in Sacramento because it's a beautiful day and understandably, nature is a grounding force for us. I am going out for a run after writing, because I know being alongside the river in the sun will lift my spirits. Provide me with some peace of mind in an otherwise unrecognizable world. Businesses closed. The economy tanking. People wavering between states of fear and anxiety and unable to get together to comfort one another. Services moving off the bricks and into peoples phones and cars and computers. Delivered over flooded broadband internet connections, apps crashing, trying to gauge the load our e-commerce system can handle. Everyone staying at home. Deep in my heart, I am confident I can not only get through this alive, but that I can become a grounding force for my friends and clients and family. This is my hope.

pandemic 2020 day 1

March 18, 2020. These are frightening times. covid-19 outbreak across the world. here in the usa we do not have testing yet available for the asymptomatic, test kits are slow to roll out. i have spoken with acquaintances who have been either in close contact with someone who got sick and tested positive, and yet because they are asymptomatic themselves, they cannot find a way to get tested. statistics are showing 2-3x jumps in the number of cases in major cities, as tests become more available. god knows how many people are carrying covid-19 and spreading it without realizing. though the sacramento region has only had 16 estimated deaths and 150 estimated cases, we know these numbers are not accurate. i myself could be carrying the virus and don't even know. the grocery stores have been ransacked for basic things i need now, a thermometer for instance, soup, bread. i am still going to work as a mental health clinician for an outpatient clinic, and most but not all of our appointments are being conducted by phone. i am trying to keep a positive attitude and a sense of humor so i can help my friends who are scared just laugh. the streets are mostly free of people. going to work is now a welcome escape from the fear and hysteria. traffic unusually light. city unusually quiet.

up.front

i am a mental health first responder
ina public health crisis

i am
hiding my anxiety behind
a facade. no. i am transparent with you
i want you to see you are not
alone in your stress your worry
your fear and anxiety

let us put it out there where we can
see it. address it. change it. not allow
it to run us or run us over
anymore

3am

3am. alive and well. technology

my friend at last 4
i can telework

my cats bunny and mouse
my copilots. so excited they woke me up too early

fuck it. coffee on the stove

what more can i ask?
i am in love

if not for this intractable pandemic
reality is like a little child held up

high to the sky after

the big kiss

take a train to nowhere

a tidal wave of fear
i don't have the energy for it
i watched you
carried away

i could not save you so i
ate a banana
went for a walk
listened to the wind

rattle around the heads of palm
and took a train
to nowhere