monstera

 semi-conscious 

sore and fatigued waking

nonsensical dreams 

i got going 

when a friend in Albuquerque 

messaged she named her potted Thai 

Constellation Monstera 

after me

#katyamills

pact with the subconscious?

the subconscious made a sycophant 

of me. night after night i made a case for the material of dreams 

not to torment

i offered up classical music and salt lamps and feathers of goose 

down 

i got nothing 

but the same so I took ahold of this 

and charted my course 

by stars

  #katyamills

splash!

the emotional impact 

came to being 

on the comet tail of a spectacular 

dream

splashed out corners of eyes 

while foaming morning 

teeth

 #katyamills

we locked eyes in a dream

we locked eyes in a dream we 

locked eyes and upon awakening it seemed

this dream was no longer a dream

why would you hunt me?

my love it can kill you 

on contact

#katyamills

yosemite image by katya mills c 2022    

dream state

where divining rods
find us
symbols define us

hard of seeing hearing understanding
it signs us

a snake
with patterned somewhat deceptive
hieroglyphic designs 

jaw unhinged

bolts forward 

to strike

#katyamills

12.22.21

the rains came down hard 

sleep escaped me for some time i 

dreamt my car was broken in and 

had a run in with the cops

when i awoke i cried to the kittens who 

replied by flourishes of tail

you only have today 

so make the most! make 

the most!

#katyamills

dream of dreams

there was a dream made of an element not yet on the table filling all the gaps in our memory all the holes in our souls with a warmth akin to sunshine. the visionaries had no words no words to see it settled the collective insecure bittersweet heart  #katyamills

world of black of white

The beauty in being American was and still is the freedom to set your sights on a lifestyle you dream for yourself and go after it with all your spirit and cleverness and nerve. The hurt you feel when you fail is yours and yours, alone. Maybe it will lead to a dead end street and bar or romance. An ashtray full of butts. 24 hours of loneliness can be hell. And then your back in the game, if you're young, the world is black and white.

dream sequence

In this dream I found myself in a stranger's house with you, and we were set up by two thieves to take the fall. We had nothing in our possession yet we started running. You  ran far ahead of me. I could see them coming for us and hollering after.

I wanted to run but my entire body was set in slow motion. I had a terribly helpless feeling! I moved up a long strip of land, connecting yards, and saw a puff of smoke and heard them shoot you. I never felt so hopeless.

dream #1234

So many dreams to go. This one is a waking dream of  acceptance, to see myself in the context of all my world and relationships and choices and demands, the push and pull, the ebb and flow, and wake up each day willing to embrace it. To fight for what I want and need, knowing full well the fight will never end for the challenge is the life.

when you stay where you are long enough

late friday. i came home after midnight to fall in love all over again, being with you, your stone cold fixed hold upon my gaze, all the week long work fallen off your leaden shoulders, and then we were both of us no longer struggling. replaced by an embrace there on the couch the cats have torn half to hell, believing in the same god who brought us together, rediscovering the colors in our eyes, feeling the common ground of recollected pain, the loss inside our former dreams... against the bright and soft-focused clarity that has replaced them.

midtown. by katya

a coverboys covergirls world

when we supposedly die, of the living only the closest to us remember us for very long and some of them keep to themselves, going to work coming home and maybe thinking aloud sometimes in a language the cats and dogs cannot decode, so only a trace of us remain, supposedly, and the witch hazel closes the roads and leaves us separate somewhere beneath the moisturizer beneath the foundation of a cover boy's Covergirl world... only those closest to the ones who remembered us remember someone remembering us, whomever we are, in black and white or monochromatic, sepia seeping slow into the imaginations of someone else's great grandchildren, who wear the looks of believers on buses to schools, and play on the playgrounds in old-fashioned ways, under timeless suns sucking up light and commonplace clouds through their straws, easily, atmospheres removed from the old pressures we once shared, before we learned our division, mettlesome in the worlds we changed and changed us, brought us up and down back when,  gave us the resilient half smiles we wore for one another, and shared with the world sometimes, filling them out for the ones closest to us, supposedly, as we laughed recreating other faces from the outside in, in a purportedly powerful way, carrying beyond anyone's wildest dreams across time and place and various things, young and mettlesome just like always, and never dying at all, anyway

vapid

I forgot everything so I could remember. I forgot the world forgot what happened forgot my name just forgot. The dreams pushed my eyes across the oily undersides of my lids, the eye movement was rapid, the nightmares were vapid. No one could hurt me anymore and neither could I neither could I neither could I.

Journal # 06.10.15

My makeup is scattered about the rooms. Foundation here, mascara there, yet none of it on my face! Eyeliner everywhere. I have instructions for life which I try and follow.  I have stitches on my foot from when I was a kid and stepped on glass. I have a pin in my thumb from when I broke it. I do not remember which thumb. I love my scars. I have two tattoos and both are blue. I will be having surgery to remove a calcification on my index finger, in July. The doctor warned me there will be stitches. I really cannot wait for the new scar! I hope I will be able to play guitar. Today I will be reading the manuscript of a friend from a far off country. Working on the English translation from his native tongue. I will go for coffee at noon with a close friend. I will fold my laundry and put the clothes away. I will take time to work on my novella. Life happens one second at a time. I will be thinking of you, and hoping your day is long and rich and disorganized, too, full of laughter and dreams coming true.  -KatYa

Journal # 02.17.15

Tuesday. Today is Fat Tuesday. I will not be roaming the streets of New Orleans. There will be many an intoxicated human across the cityscape. They may wander into the dark alleys and never be seen again. Or they may find a friend and go for another drink. Or sit and listen to a jazz piano. Or find a girl on the street, and a room. Or wake up from a blackout, on an oil rig. Or in the ghetto, with one of their shoes floating in a mud puddle soaking their clothes. No. I will be drinking water today. Waiting for the rain. Dreaming big. Commencing my edits on Book 2 of the Daughter of Darkness. Praying to God.

horror flashes (insequential)

Asleep in bed
i heard a sound
no one else
around...

butterfly wings 4 lashes
raised my beating
head

seeing things
and images
rolled over
from my dreams
spilling
amber plasticine

tall summer
iced tea mom once
brought with lemons
knockin' around
in summer sun in
cubes

new Hampshire forest lake
spill over this lonesome
darkened
ache

my eyes rounded egg white
searched the room
my head suspended
by butterflies beating
heart below

all was left of fire
ashes
    and
no one else
around

wish 4 switchblade
out of
reach
too scared
2 scared for speech

the room
was dark
the shadows
blue

i thought of me
i thought of you

torn material hanging off
a fragment of my mind
open window wide
wide open edge
of darkness heart
of fight or
flight

no one else
around

dreams

i have a blue tattoo
i do
i have a blue tattoo
its true

means to dream
in blue pigmentation
Japanese kanji
chinese alphabet
translation

oh, i am marked
so dreams come true
oh, i am marked
and ask
are you?

do you know your dreams
sweet one?
do you bathe where
blue waters
run?

or are you tickled and turned
by fear
are you down and drowned
in tears

worn out, i know
with what you wear
worn out,
like clothes
the wear and tear

but listen to me!

i know you feel
some feeling here
stay very clear
sit up! my dear

blue jeans are blue like our dreams
we wear them both
with love
i swear!

theres nothing wrong!
i decidedly say
with wearing your dreams
every fucking hopeless

shelved
tired
beat
unfeeling
violent
cursed
beautiful
sun-scorched
lantern torched
fallen red
colored leaf
dead
precious
altered
conscious
bright
blue
yellow
blue
offered
every which way
to you
kinda
hella
long
hour
minute
second
moment
of
your
day