no rules

for the last time they told her 

these are the rules. if you don't like them you can leave

her first move was to get the tattoo

with her best friend

then they mapped out a plausible

month long wave for her

surfing couches

#katyamills

world of uncertainty

sleepy dreaming. sonorous was locked in the body. anarchy in there. i coaxed it out with a mission into this world of uncertainty. a sonic boom. everyone dropped their phones in unison. aware of dead time. exfoliated the cells. once that wore off we were super fierce

#katyamills

0

writing verses

sleep. black liner circles

the eyes

the one who sings

cannot speak

everyone come to the center

soft body contact

the lyrics

the breath 

the hearts

the beat  

#katyamills

heavy metals

dissociative

staring at the wall again

they turned up the volume

zero calorie heavy 

metals to defend against they

demons  

#katyamills

the w(h)ip

Dead of winter
starry night
Fearful cold
bluish light

i find myself alone
again

after dinner thin
mint the charleston
a dance

i listen
watching you

see how you falter
fumbling at the altar

locked up inside
alone again

all whatever fabric
falls off

you listen
watching me

just enough time
to wave
goodbye

something quite amazing
will happen when

we leave
the body
behind

snow me over a lather of denial

There is always me and my mindbodyspirit. The spirit cannot be touched nor seen, yet is the cornerstone of the experiment that is me... this truth left the subunified districting in the hands of the mindbody to battle it out for supremacy. The mindbody was not unlike (me) at all, and so much the same it made my mind a furious, raging llama, so furious I decided one day to call the stumbling, hulking mass of idiot flesh and networks of tubes full of bloody hell, something other than what it truly was. A vivid space I typed between the subunified essence of me, smiling when the typewriter rang its little bell. The angels are calling, the angels are calling! The message is here.

A pond of correction fluid grew larger as time (another construct of mind yet several epochs before, the mind says with conviction) went on. The result was the contemptuous subdistricting between which a fence then wall was constructed to keep the obviously related, deep-rooted elements, superficially apart. The divisions grew stronger and the roots were cut off, and soon the sea of humanity institutionalized the damn thing. Children like me were encouraged at a terribly young age (despite our knowing better) about the mind and the body, distinct from the spirit. Groupings of disparate parts could then be made possible for the sake of fun and games. Mindbody. Mind-body-spirit. Psychosocial. Bio-psycho-social-spiritual. Each part could be ritually washed and cleaned and manipulated per se.

My mind had me over the ropes, snowed over a lather of denial, in a plate glass window of time. It was truly obscene! Which I only realized when I finally woke up to the truth.

WIP. plan of attack. (with loving kindness)

Strategy... (reimmersion campaign)


1 - get head out of fog  (yes. established) deeper sleep renews!
2 - attend to physical  (ongoing)
3 - re-reading David Copperfield. learning from Dickens style (ongoing)
4 - sit my ass at desk at home  (fail fail fail!)
5 - consider rearranging furniture. laptop on couch. switch rooms (last resort)
6 - attend to spirit (ongoing)
7 - prayer. journaling. sunshine. caring (move toward causes)
8 - channel switching (yes. more guitar. running. cycling. walks)
9 - minimize netflix (body at rest)
10 - maximize housekeeping (body in motion)
11 - memory (what you do that makes you feel good)
12 - attending to needs vs desires (self-discipline)
13 - work = freedom (purpose)
14 - coffee (is my drug) in moderation
15 - mindfulness. slow but certain

Goal to complete and publication
reality: June / July 2016

Nothing is possible without
attitude of loving kindness

the secret life

There is a life inside each of us, call it what you will. You can access this life, this world, by dreaming, lucid dreaming, various forms of meditation, various forms of process. You can access through silence. You can access it through music. You can access it through ritual. Some of us will explore it by conducting our own far-reaching experiments in our own spaces, laboratories, dance floors. Some of us may create worlds to share with others, through businesses, churches, schools, non-profits. Some will find the secret life by the body, pushing limits of endurance. Some will get there in relationships, loving, an affect or emotional access point. Others can tap in with pens and papers, blueprints, brushes and tools. Some will find catharsis in shared meaning, collective experiments, cooperatives. Others will find renewal hanging off the edges of mountains, alone. Teaching makes a microcosm out of a classroom. People reflect off of one another, and understand themselves better. Mind-body-spirit philosophies. Chanting, mantras, yoga, mindfulness, drumming, devotional practices all throughout the world. Reading and writing and speaking out. Time spent alone, in nature, pilgrimages. There is a secret life inside of us, and what's really wonderful is when you can access it and, catharsis or not, it makes you more alive, with wonder, and gives you a reason to smile and smile towards someone, too. Shining like you do.    - KatYa

little satellite

There is a sadness in not wanting to know someone close to you, for they are close to you for a reason. There is a sadness in walking past the flowers reaching over and through the holes in the fence to greet you. When i have not eaten for some while i wanna stay there, to know this also, you see, otherwise i lose something. I lose a part of the world. the hunger and thirst of the world. You see how everything in our presence can move us? Even pain moves me and maybe away from myself. Undulations in the spirit. Unraveling of the controls. Spinning out of contact into space and disconnected. Stay there. Without notification. Without any sound except the sound of your own breathing. See how you can never be alone, little satellite? Breath is a tide and their are treasures in its wake, in the pools.

Journal # 05.06.15

I ran yesterday. I found a secret to distance running. My dad would call it a trick. I had been sitting on the grass beneath the black walnut tree in the yard, looking up at its many green wings pointing high into the sky. The tree was majestic. A stark contrast from how it appeared in the winter, without leaves. Dead. My neighbor came out of his apartment and started clipping his fingernails on the walk. Next door a man was sitting facing the alley, drinking a beer. One of the cats caught a large dragonfly in its mouth. An fire engine could be heard in the distance. Some days can be so peaceful. Other days your ass is on fire. Here is my secret. My dad would call it a trick. I found I can run almost twice the distance I usually run. It wasn't the Super B Vitamins or the time of day. It wasn't the shoes I was wearing. It had nothing to do with how much rest I took, what kind of music inspired me, how much training I did beforehand. It did not matter what I ate, who I didn't sleep with, or whether I planned to vote in the upcoming elections. The secret was running. Running while running. Not thinking while running, or breathing while running, or posture while running. It was none and all of those things. I doubled my usual distance by running while running. And guess what? There is a bonus for anyone who has read this far along. The trick is universal! It can be applied to anything you do. Because if you are fully immersed in anything you do, you will be better at it, and it may even come easier and more natural to you.

Journal # 02.26.15

Thursday. I did not have to work last night. I took some extra rest, and got up very early this morning. About 3am. Nice and quiet. Aching bones. The heater pushing warm air into the cold. I put some coffee on the stove. Cooked some spinach I left to defrost, with butter. Put collars on and let kittens out. Took my medications. I am a depressive. Right action comes out of conscious attention. I look for cues from my mind, my body, my spirit, and my emotional body. If I sense the depression coming on, I can pause before reacting. Right action is not reaction.

I stayed busy at my desk. A spotlight on a table. It's going to be the best day. I can make it. 

so shall it be

i love you more
i love you more

the words
opened windows
opened the
doors

i love you more
carried on across a breezeway
an old Portland
Oregon

musty Victorian
planted home in the rain
and damp

clouded like a broken
amp

being opened
to air out
all of a sudden

segue

french doors pulled apart
by old american arms
still strong from
a million and one
embraces

Florida room windows
pulled up from seated
faces

i love you more
whistles through the screens

our houses
our bodies

the cataracts slippin'
like contacts out
our eyes

i love you
more        2 see
i love you
      more        2 feel
i love you
more and more

and so
shall it
be