'lemon' by Katya Mills

a poem I wrote was published here ...

 https://latinosenglishedition.wordpress.com/2025/09/09/lemon-by-katya-mills/

hell and back

she had been to hell and back

worked with animals for several years trying to restore her credit and sanity 

there were tons of new friends to make over mocha

in her heart lived the ones she loved the most

the ones in hell

  #katyamills 

ph.enom

wistfully I recall our chemical hearts 

pumping at breakneck speeds

cooled by alcohol and valium

welcome to hell

did you make it out alive?

god only knows 

i wish for you

this spacious transfer this 

soundless rejuvenation of energy

this big love

  #katyamills

octo.pi

my emotion 

a lonely cephalopod

reaching and grasping 

tossed against a sky made 

of salt water

turning inside out

blasting any blank page 

with ink

#katyamills

the living daylights

out of bars

out of cars

they got kicked

(they got scars)

out of class

been harassed

off of trains

in the head out of bed in the dark

the living daylights extinguished

off and on like an electrical short

some say

they made hard living look

lissome

#katyamills

soda profits

the soda

a rather inadequate drink deleterious to the health

and yet any business who sells it profits upwards of %800

of the 30 cents it costs them per!

on a tangent i am happy to say i mostly quit soda

other than an occasional ginger 

ale

#katyamills

sonny leon and the strike

we jumped up and down hollering 

they came from 15 horses behind and

charged ahead to win

the odds were the worst but we 

took them. by the tears in your eyes

i knew: you carried long odds and i 

carried them too 

#katyamills

double torture

opposing the old upset that comes with life not going according to plan, deep into a saturday we forged. we joined up with natural order and made winging it fun. we shared a double torture from Dutch Bros and got our guidance from highway signs. 9 years to the day of our last major meltdown. a voyage to Alameda to see our friends. there are treasures awaiting if you can hold out to the end.

#katyamills

wanted

they was wanted 

on any road traveled

east and south and west and north

an unsparing desire 

in some bar 

on any street corner

sleeves rolled up

for a fix

#katyamills 

tēotha

on the tongue

sense of time and place and mood

and position dissolved

one matter arose like a tithe 

to settle a turbulent spirit

they took the deepest breath

and had it out    

#katyamills

 

deseo

breaks away like a tormented soul 

within the heart of a wild horse i

talk to it carefully like a child

honestly. you cannot have we 

cannot afford it. here. come with me 

let's go outside and run. maybe 

make friends. we cannot

have and better without

#katyamills

journey into the light

there there 

dry your eyes

the darkness drains from the sky

see how you were so certain?

so terrified 

the thoughts how they

lied

#katyamills

super.fated

the sea surged the sky 

a charcoal gray against which

a ghost from the sub system's

incendiary furnace

materialized of sublimated metals

chromium iron cobalt

to lead the wretched

super state from 

the predetermined

fate

#katyamills

polaroid u

you

are the life you are the 

hard seasons the

recipe dating generations
back

careless restless and reckless

the soft viable understanding

at the end of a great confusion
soon escapes you

owls in the night upset 

your blood pressure you
throw parties you create
and destroy

you drink endless glasses
of milk and bourbon you

call and no one answers
you

raise high your fists you

splash around dark thoughts 

and then

and then one day
you give a damn you
really do you seek forgiveness
and the strength of
conviction

you change but all they see
is a snapshot a
polaroid

you upset the blood
pressure you reek of hard seasons
recipes dating back to a great
confusion

all that is left of you
is your change

open your fists and let
your hands meet. look
up to the sky. may the soft
and viable understanding
save you

#katyamills

csus

california state university. sacramento. i got lost on the campus again, after dark. i asked for directions no less than three times. eureka hall. the moment i found it i felt that way. the kids were packed in the classroom and florence gave me a big smile and i took my place on the panel in front. the three stories came before mine were nothing short of inspirational. i hoped my truth could keep the spirit alive. about halfway through my story i found the pulse and saw the smiles begin to light up. these are difficult memories to draw up from the past. i told them how i owed forgiveness. around 2001 my dear cat Raccoon turned on me and slashed me in the face with his claws. that's when i knew what an asshole i was, deep in the heart of my addiction.

+ 7 +

you were always a little bit laughing at the end of your sentences. i was in the kitchen working up a goulash, juggling pots and pans. some days are busier than others and that's okay. this is the seventh anniversary of not being up to no good. i had to ask you to repeat yourself. you barked at me and i purred back. being nonbinary i gave up on normalcy long ago.

raspberry.red

when we were kids a raspberry was a scrape you got running around rough. the kid with the biggest raspberry was honored for a warrior. i remember once when i was 8 i injured myself on purpose, jumped from a real high spot hoping i would break my leg. i ended up landing on my hands and sprained my wrist. i wanted a cast for kids to write their names on, and all i got was a sling and a bag of ice. i went on to hurt myself in decidedly dangerous ways in life. driving too fast in the rain, age 17, i hydroplaned and rolled my vw. i was known to put a cigarette out on my arm. i had a lot of one night stands with strangers. hooked up with randoms. addiction was my tried and true. i wanted to numb the shame that came of hiding and fighting my identity. that was my biggest secret. i was trying to protect myself. i ended up in jail and rehab after rehab until finally i had to face myself, take my medicine, and face the world. my lease on life was renewed.  today i have learned to let the feelings rise and fall. be true to yourself no matter what. today i like my raspberry red. i pack a peanut butter sandwich for my lunch with jam.

found a friend

i found a friend who was out there ever since i met him when i moved to Sacramento almost 7 years ago. He has entered a program at the VA and has found recovery. i am thrilled to know he's makin his way out. every time i visited his profile i worried he would be deceased. appears to have hit that spiritual rock bottom place i know so well, where your life is so low there's no further place to descend to. gosh i can relate. one day the pain is so excruciating there is an opening. an honesty. and a willingness to do whatever it takes to recreate ourselves and heal. hopefully to walk again with a purpose and become useful and able to love ourselves and our communities. i told him, i can only wish this for you as i have experienced it myself. and you remind me of myself. remembering the past. thinking of you. wishing you well.

Katya Mills
20 November 2011

Posted 2011 [a FB memory hit my timeline]: "Though the circles of my acquaintances and even friends is full of the bad, the ugly, even wickedness among us... i find a dialectic, a contradiction in it, for these same people are capable of love and sweetness beyond measure and I am at times grateful. For there are glimpses of the compassionate! crazy! empathic! sensitive! and sometimes even mature and responsible. the locus of overlap may be small.... yes! we are immigrants passing through your mainstream ! fyi....our intelligence runs deep. intentions pure."

my chemical free life minus coffee

two weeks back i saw a window and took it. gave up coffee. a storm system spread across my sky. i got sick but nothing compared to dope sick 7 years ago. just a mighty headache is all. now i start my mornings with triple leaf green tea and a smile. against all odds. i live and love my chemical free life. i can hold my head high again. i can look you in the eyes again. i worked so hard to get here. dear God, i am down on my knees...asking how can i be of maximum use? thank you for opening my eyes.

six years

six years ago today, i let go of self-defeating ways
i stopped getting high

you can be a better person
it's hard
just try

American Author Katya Mills