Saturday, 14 September 2019

systems and service

I live inside a certain closed system wherein one is not trusted, one is held accountable to high standards which are enforced relentlessly by teams chosen based on work ethic and other high quality merit marks, to oversee the delivery of services to the general public. Sometimes I question my decision to live there for it is not always a friendly place. What I love is how I am challenged and pushed to my limits, and not one day ever looks like the next. It is an exciting and dynamic environment, and because I have earned rank and respect over time, I do have freedoms and work is creative. I care for my team and am aligned with the mission.

Friday, 13 September 2019

star 5

no one was alive
on star 5

not since 1515
when life was unsettling
on earth

cats black

your voices and my voices met in the middle under a bright cat black

cell 2

one cell says
to another

walk your human
over here

untitled cell

the moon stared us
in the face put us in
our place

looking up from our
screens

finally

Tuesday, 10 September 2019

colorless

you got me disinterested by your tone of voice. seeing you i have a choice and paint the world around you cannot help but drop out without color not even close to an impression until the absence stands out clearly

Saturday, 7 September 2019

where was where is your world

you found a place where you clicked you could go and be known you could go and belong you could go and now you're aching to be there

to go there again

the lightning strikes the storm thunders so violently like it did back then you know you never left you are there it is here and its real

Thursday, 5 September 2019

soft fall

the grapefruit ice you drink upon the delta breeze with summer lost its spark. calm down. you need not rush the leaves turn and die and fall upon the crosswalk. time to sit and talk. all the cell phones gone and what a world it would be. what a world it once was and how we got along you fingered my blouse as i cried to think so soon you would be gone

Wednesday, 4 September 2019

rest

you can get all the rest you want but you still need to find your rhythm in the world. if you are like me and you lost your rhythm, it can be a real bitch to get it back. you may need to stab your fears in the heart with a dagger and bleed out the yellow poison. then do those things that scare you, challenge yourself every day, inject yourself back into the bloodstream and let go. feed your faith and starve your fear to death. i promise you an adventure like no other!

Saturday, 31 August 2019

31

i wanna wear my life out
like any true fighter who
took the talent god
gave them

and made the most
without regard for pain
of it

giving the world the
very last of all
i got


change of heart

i was frightened by an accusation in a nightmare, it nearly broke my heart, i woke up pained and unwilling to return to bed, and called my father three time zones ahead. we shared our memories of late nights listening to the loons, the wonder of the call, one moment mournful and stops you in your tracks, then takes flight nearly in laughing. i guess we can have a change of heart, too. 

response to mikulova

i remember how you shared with me last year (a hopeful time for me), our mutual friend turned me on to your work. we were closer than friends really. up late one night i read all your words and got to know you a little, then drove with my guy down to alameda to see her and her daughter and meet you. the party was a little too much for maybe both of us. you were tired from traveling and camped out in a big chair, anyways, and i came and sat down by all of you and we exchanged smiles and pleasantries between us. the music and laughter and smoke. of course your words had a much greater impact and i thank you for them... i think this is how it can be with us writers. 

sapphire eye

a sapphire eye for solace
when you are inconsolable
coming to america never
been here before

a period to end all the sentences
running and running 
away

a pitch that turns colors
been seen and not heard
displaying a royal flush
of feathered tails

have another vodka
a sapphire eye sees you 
are home

sensitive skull

i once envied you
who

 could give
a fuck or less

see what has become
of you

your thick skull
has isolated you

you get all your groceries
delivered

you think no one
gives a damn

and you're
right

journal august

the sky was a peach at sunset and a fire at dawn and we ate lemon ice and prayed that the city's electrical grid would hold up. the number of homeless had risen and not all could not be housed, and caring citizens were combining forces and giving away tents on the weekend. others were cold complaining to cops and assemblymen: get these sorry-ass derelicts off of my street!

Wednesday, 28 August 2019

28 August

i got going early. two hot mugs of coffee with hazelnut. shredded wheat. a few lines of Hemingway. to have or have not. rather full of booze and game fish and racist. i got outta there quick. back to my own stuff. maybe less charged or controversial. edits for an hour and up and hit the interstate in my '04 GTI. the sun was burning hot.

pace of life

the pace of life runs along with or without you. setbacks make it harder to keep up. sometimes you need to stop and talk to someone. share your feelings. then pick yourself up and carry on.

i delight

a single cricket found his way into my home and hides on the vine. i delight in his courage to make music in this strange and dangerous land 

Tuesday, 27 August 2019

telling

telling was the night upon the day long and hot and humid until the end

the night and
     like a shot it shut
                         you down

i took you to the spot
where all the revelry
was muted

distant

the interplay of
telling you how i
truly felt without
a word

the science

the science was a whisper
held against it
up against the
wall the
kiss

Wednesday, 21 August 2019

the sameness

Any need to explain yourself by your heritage was obviated by the sameness. Whether you liked it or not you would be classified by your skin color, initially. Even the ones classifying you would insist they were not. Sadly, some might not even know they were, such was the state of lack of self-awareness.

Tuesday, 20 August 2019

Monday, 12 August 2019

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Tuesday, 6 August 2019

excerpt from my yet-to-be-published novella

Katya 2019
There may be hope for me, I thought, rolling the smoke between my fingers. How different everything felt. The box, the stem, the lighter, the cig. I could sense the tobacco leaf inside the paper. Crunchy, resilient, it bounced back when you pressed it. I set fire to it and watched it burn and glow. I felt the smoke hit the lungs and exhaled at the top of my breath, I can breathe. Maybe I will last, after all, I thought, relaxing and getting used to myself again, taking drags. Aden looked worried, huh, I suppose they all did. I wish I could tell him...I still see things that turn me on. The barber shop cylinders have gone dark, the neon lights are lit, the end of the night far away, the dance floor naked and ugly without a dance. I paid the check and smiled. - Katya, Trouble '99

Wednesday, 31 July 2019

july 31, 2019

this morning i did my jumping jacks and boiled the coffee to mix with cream. this morning i called my dad, today is his birthday. my kittens are alarm clocks and get me early out of bed. i did the dishes and prepared a salad for later. i rang the tibetan bell and listened to my heartbeat. i called the love of my life for he is on the road again. i cannot count my blessings. i can sit here at my desk and beat up the old english language for a while. all what makes life at 46 worth living.

alto

she swims alongside the current
she follows the sun into the sea
after many days of searching
they presumed her drowned

they knew nothing of the changes
or how she made it through

she may as well have died

she cuts through open water 
she moves the breath of life
she has come awakened
to meet the deepest sea

Tuesday, 30 July 2019

por favor

please. do not become tired of life. work it hard and that's a lot. someone always gives up. let them. giving in makes not giving in stand out. what once was commonplace is super rare and meaningful. 

i love how you approach me

the talk died down and i cherished the absence of it, lay myself down and still beneath the windowsill. my eyes blurred out to the jazz and i felt you coming like long fingers rolling up the keys. my head fell dead to one side where I could see you and know of the utmost precision of your tender love and care.

Saturday, 27 July 2019

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Wednesday, 24 July 2019

GOODREADS GIVEAWAY!



 
 


    Goodreads Book Giveaway
 

   

        Girl Without Borders by Katya Mills
   

   

     


          Girl Without Borders
     
     


          by Katya Mills
     

     

         
            Giveaway ends August 05, 2019.
         
         
            See the giveaway details
            at Goodreads.
         
     
   
   



    Enter Giveaway



Sunday, 14 July 2019

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Sunday, 7 July 2019

expiration date. sadness

one day you woke up feeling lighter. this was different. this was hope. it made no sense and could not be denied. the following day it was gone. the light was shining and the birds were singing but all you saw and heard was dead again.

still what stood out for you now was the recollection of yesterday's hope. wanting another taste of that.

so you got out of bed a little earlier. you saw the slightest smile at the edges of your lips in the mirror. you were able to sing some morose song by the Cure in your head.

- Katya Mills, 2019

Sunday, 23 June 2019

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Thursday, 13 June 2019

Book Giveaway: Grand Theft Life by Katya Mills



 
 


    Goodreads Book Giveaway
 

   

        Daughter of Darkness by Katya Mills
   

   

     


          Daughter of Darkness
     
     


          by Katya Mills
     

     

         
            Giveaway ends June 26, 2019.
         
         
            See the giveaway details
            at Goodreads.
         
     
   
   



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Wednesday, 12 June 2019

be like a poem will never be written

how does one describe the exhalation of breath
the incomplete gesture the
tangible space suddenly
apparent?
there is a part of me died with you
a fragment
a trailing cry pulling at my hair
wanting to lash out and
break…
something to see
the color of blood as
a way in
as a way out
to look for you
all this is like a poem that never will be written
to die to find you
to leave this alien place premature
and come home

Sunday, 9 June 2019

my chemical free life minus coffee

two weeks back i saw a window and took it. gave up coffee. a storm system spread across my sky. i got sick but nothing compared to dope sick 7 years ago. just a mighty headache is all. now i start my mornings with triple leaf green tea and a smile. against all odds. i live and love my chemical free life. i can hold my head high again. i can look you in the eyes again. i worked so hard to get here. dear God, i am down on my knees...asking how can i be of maximum use? thank you for opening my eyes.

Sunday, 2 June 2019

summer

reticent was the dawn ona summer morning. the birds chatted outlandishly at the edge of the river. all the people couldn't bother. full of coffee stepping on it, reaching speeds just shy of too fast for the highway.   -katya

still life '19

summer got diluted by the stained glass. some kids were playing chess in the soft light behind. a fish in a bowl swam in it. the heat lost its arrogance on the sill. The dog asleep and the cat, up high and still.  -katya

Nectarine

I picked a nectarine out from the fruit market. My spirits rose. I took a bite and looked up. I saw the outline of the moon in a blue sky and thanked God.  -Katya

Friday, 31 May 2019

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Tuesday, 30 April 2019

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Thursday, 25 April 2019

free book



 
 


    Goodreads Book Giveaway
 

   

        Ame and the Tangy Energetic by Katya Mills
   

   

     


          Ame and the Tangy Energetic
     
     


          by Katya Mills
     

     

         
            Giveaway ends May 02, 2019.
         
         
            See the giveaway details
            at Goodreads.
         
     
   
   



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Saturday, 13 April 2019

response to a letter

Uncle Ramon, dear man,

You describe the mood swings of our lives so well. Life wants me around now, I can hardly believe it. It's not so hard hanging on...the lows are not so low, but the work never seems to end. But it's good work. It's useful work using me. And I like it. Depression no longer has me in a stranglehold. I cannot be bullied into submission. I won the fight this time. But I know each new day is another round. K

Sunday, 31 March 2019

Author with Paperback

book review

Everlee & LeeEverlee & Lee by Katya Mills


I am the author of this title, Everlee & Lee, a dark tale revolving around a teenage boy and his sister trying to make sense of a family tragedy. Spirit life haunts the Queen Anne Victorian home in which they live. I use a rather formal (and unreal) type of dialogue on purpose. Temporal shifts accompany the telekinetic and telepathic powers of the characters. One other thing I will confide to you. I wrote this story out of the great and painful heartache I lived with, after my grandfather was essentially murdered by an awful gold digger of a woman he married. My family sued and got the money she stole from him back. Because she had the body cremated the day after his death, a case for murder was never made. Writing this story helped me find my own peace.


View all my reviews

book review

Girl Without BordersGirl Without Borders by Katya Mills


I am the author of this book. I wrote the greater portion of this book when I was in my twenties, living in Chicago on the west side (not far from where the Smashing Pumpkins got famous, and the movie High Fidelity was filmed). I used to go to the coffeeshops in Bucktown and the Polish Triangle with my laptop to write. This was late 1990s and you could get your ass kicked for writing on a laptop in public. It wasn't cool to be a geek. Writing from my protagonist Will's perspective was not difficult seeing as I am gender fluid myself. I was a pretty tough chick or I thought I was, rather angry at the world, introverted, rebellious in attitude and spirit. I hung around other punks and geeks I met in the bars, cafes and small clubs on Division and Damen, and in Wicker Park and the Ukrainian Village. All I wanted was to be left alone and write. I was in some existential pain, I suppose, lonely in my heart. So I gravitated toward others who felt injured or broken. I had more than one love/hate relationship, the characteristics of which you will find in the novel. You can call in creative nonfiction if not fiction. If you ever go to Chicago look up Quimby's bookstore and the Flat Iron Building. I wrote the greater portion of this book a stone throw away.


View all my reviews

Tuesday, 26 March 2019

Sunday, 17 March 2019

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Friday, 1 March 2019

journal #2019

i thought i had it but it went flickering off and on again like shoddy electricity or a super big storm. you can have something and then lose it. it's disturbing but it's true. so i glued it to the wall where i could keep my eyes on it. i posted it on the mirror, after the glue wore out and it dropped behind a stack of books and papers. i brushed my teeth to the sound of it, foaming at the mouth. one night it swam down the drain. i broke it out of the plumbing system, what a messy affair. i let it dry beside the jade tree, on the windowsill, hoping against hope it would never leave me again. but it fled underground, planting itself beneath the jade. i watered her faithfully, against the wishes of the jade, until the roots took it up and brought her back to me, a flower. i smiled. i picked her off and thread it into my hair. everyone commented how pretty we were, together. then, that spring, the wind carried her away... when i listen very close, i can still hear her calling, my voice, calling for me. that's when i know i must be alone. and write.
west sacramento. 2019 by katya

Tuesday, 19 February 2019

six years

six years ago today, i let go of self-defeating ways
i stopped getting high

you can be a better person
it's hard
just try

American Author Katya Mills

Friday, 18 January 2019

pollywog

What a week was over polly wog. Why, we were only just begun when the rain, the rain gave way to sun!
author at home 2019