back yourself up

we danced to the old songs dated
back when life seemed less

complicated less strung out

on media talking to us from our pockets our screens keeping tabs all
night and day long we danced freely like we had some kind of voice some kind of choice in this automated cyber world you really gotta know deep down who you are

download yourself or get
tagged archived judged and encrypted
back yourself up

(less than) lethal

the people come together

pelted by rubber bullets burned

by tear gas. fuck the pandemic! they

will not be detained

the force is lethal

calls itself less than

less than lethal but make no mistake

whatever label they slap on
the force is lethal

it can kill you make

no mistake it can and

will

and

litigation can take
the spine out of any
charge

un.feeling

if you had a heart you cried if

you had a heart you shouted out

against the unspeakable 

horror if you

if you had a heart it broke and maybe 

you could not control yourself 

for a while

grieving these systemic patterns 

you could not bear to remain

orderly

calm

respectable

peaceful

out on the streets

where a drop became many

a stream became a river 

an ocean of

feeling
against the unfeeling

dredging up a particle of hope

there to see where
we were not
alone 

minnea.polis

they wield extreme power they can kill you in public
and will. and did. again. George Floyd. we expressed outrage
six feet away from the sidewalk to the ends of the earth. we
who have hearts alive and beating
theft and what did you expect? fires. broken glass. mayhem and what
america? what did you expect? you hunt and trap our friends our comrades
helpless. caged. handcuffed on the ground all the breath forced out of them. another life
stolen another family loss. a community. a nation of communities.
america you will wake up from your imperial dream you will. the
institutionalized isms will be eradicated. we won't let you sleep our country
means to much to us. leaders arise to deliver
social justice. free shipping. cops accused of murder. found
guilty. based on facts. convicted. sentenced to life
or death

airwaves

when you feel unwanted
like static

to airwaves

remember

sometimes
only you
can see see how
essential you
are

stay true to
you

constant

trustworthy
anchored between
stations

even static has its righteous
place in this
world

what the hell

i didn't know

what the hell i 

was doing

i lacked insight

i lacked judgment

but i did what i did

and i did

what i could

and survived and

now i know

what the
hell

keep dreaming

when you finally let

the old dream go

you can get down

to really living

they say

but who?

who can live?

who can live without

dreams

love over coffee

the essence steeped

clouding my energy then

overcome

i put down my pen

leather bound journal open

faced in the café i

closed my eyes and thought 

of you

our energies once

commingled here

the pressure of heat on water the

steam submerged in milk

endlessly colored by

coffee how we met eyes

ina non-committal

slightly disinterested

way

i felt you

looking over me i could taste

you tasting me

steeped in me

the essence at first clouded

my energy

then 

then i was

i was

overcome

book giveaway!

Enter this contest to read my latest novella for free if you like fiction!

Please vote for my book if you like it in the UKSTORYTELLER2020 contest on Kindle!

Posted on May 24, 2020 by KatYa

Goodreads Book Giveaway
TROUBLE’99
by Katya Mills

Giveaway ends May 31, 2020.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads. Enter Giveaway

Rate this:

1983

we were kids
not even ten
when we found
our hideout ina
faded olive
winter-warped
waterlogged
hornet-infested
window cracked
trespass
warning
shack

middle of the pet
cemetery

i had to stop
reading books
late into the night
if i hoped to get up
early enough
to meet you all
there

but i could
not

polaroid u

you

are the life you are the 

hard seasons the

recipe dating generations
back

careless restless and reckless

the soft viable understanding

at the end of a great confusion
soon escapes you

owls in the night upset 

your blood pressure you
throw parties you create
and destroy

you drink endless glasses
of milk and bourbon you

call and no one answers
you

raise high your fists you

splash around dark thoughts 

and then

and then one day
you give a damn you
really do you seek forgiveness
and the strength of
conviction

you change but all they see
is a snapshot a
polaroid

you upset the blood
pressure you reek of hard seasons
recipes dating back to a great
confusion

all that is left of you
is your change

open your fists and let
your hands meet. look
up to the sky. may the soft
and viable understanding
save you

#katyamills

rock ridge

one kind word

and the new world

opened up 

the obscenity
the hatred
the judgment 

the old concrete

broke apart

one kind word ina city

of water of engine of
fire of steam made 

passage 

to the heart

ina whisper

ina vision

ina friend

may 20 2020

dawn

the birds

gave my heart

some hope

ina song 

for the 

summer

the best

my brother
it pains me
divides us
the way i see you do not see
the world

i turn up the Smiths
to stop my heart
my heart
from hurting

take my will take
my life

all i
all i know is
my brother
you're the
fucking
best

if i could only love you
for the way you look at life
look over your shoulder
follow your arm
open my eyes
and declare yes!

yes! i see what
you see i love what
you love!

would i lie to you?
my brother

no. but i
can

i can love you
love i can
love

up mood 1

my mood drops like a beat

you answer when i

call and

 we get to our feet

walking the miles

just to meet

my mood 

rises up become a bird in

the sky

can't say exactly how

fuck i sure know

why

20

twenty days in
been dragged down
before and will
again

twenty days in
got your mind made up so
turn up your song

feel it and go
for it

like you never loved life
more

next book?

i've been considering my next project. my next book. i'm excited to say i unearthed a treasure of archive material on my drive, files some of which i previously had trouble converting, hundreds of pages of autobiographical material dating back to my twenties and early thirties, and all the adventures i had. life was going off the rails but it sure was entertaining. lots of stories and characters i otherwise would have forgotten. i'm excited to either remix it into fiction or semi-fiction. i could publish it as straight autobiography but it's so much fun stirring it up and remixing. this has become my niche period, 1990-2010, and i hope to approach it from a completely different space.

4 am

i discover the earthquake
37 miles out of Tonopah
Nevada by the water
rippling in the pool

200 miles away!

the cats screaming bloody murder
behind this apartment building

put the coffee on
it's friday anything could happen
save the kid surrender yourself
to a riptide

it can be beautiful
devastating

what a commotion
as we roll into
the weekend

98

like a bullet with a tracer

ink shoots off your 

arm

a bitterness

on the tongue 

at work

like a dance the tears

play up the eyes

level the bottle 

nudge of the wrist

cold heart heats 

up then 

rest

you wake to the sun

where you lay

breath and thoughts

in motion push 

against

 volumes of 

memory

#katyamills

remix

may 13

how we missed you
in the heart of the pandemic
we got you second
hand

through rain through snow
upon us

the sunlight
striking

those of us alone
the way we register fear

the wind

how much is lost
without your
touch

MAY 12 2020

i grew up in a complicated world
lots of adult parties and American businessmen
lots of stay at home moms in
competition

now
many years later
i make a simple life
a working life
not too many friends
i keep to myself

i could not recreate the world i once lived in
i could not and would not
it was never my world

i love the simple life
the working life
neither destructive nor uninspired
diving into mysteries

prayer

carries to god then

back down to 

earth palms touch

marked by crescent lines

destiny moves in

and out of self

brokering wilderness

in a heavy

 heart

one.only

falling
        down
     a rocky
hill

over the handlebars of your bike

swimming when the pool

was closed howling when

all the world was quiet

then i saw you then

i knew
you for my
one my
only

run with the night

you run with the night you
sleep in the sun

an inchworm stretches out
on your thumb you 

sleep through the day and run
with the night 

you live 

you live 

in the
light


#katyamills

Hyde Park Cafe. 1997

all is elevated
this floor over the earth
this table the grain flush
above the floor the arms
of the couch free
falling bodies at half a perpendicular
snaking lethargically like
my thoughts

elevated

eight sided glasses
opening rims up to the sky
fan blades cutting through a plane
brass reliefs flowering
rooted to the ceiling

thursday night
all is elevated

twenty three
high on coffee high on
dreams


#katyamills 
remix

JANUARY 9, 1997

thin as a grain of wheat
rarely uprooted from his chair
black cat at his feet
waiting for the next meal
the next dream

traded freedom to his granddaughter
so he wouldn't have to live in a home

eyes red around the rim
voice deep within the throat
bones coated with dust like the painting
of his long since passed wife
hanging on the wall behind him

six foot three he can still
touch the sky
i used to jitterbug he says
and smiles. heart following memory
up the gulf coast
across the panhandle
all the way back to California

when he's upset
sometimes he swears (the gravel
spitting off his thunder)
GIVE ME THE KEYS! i'll drive there my
damn self i will!
alone? she questions, eyes bulging
ALONE!

and i
i believe him
you better hide those keys
tonight


#katyamills
remix 1997

BOOK RELEASE!

TROUBLE'99 by Katya Mills


This 42,000 word book represents a project I started two years ago, digging into my archives for material. The book is set in Chicago where I lived for 10 years of my life, and my intention was to capture the spirit of twentysomethings at the turn of the century. My first published novel, Girl Without Borders, covers the same historical ground, so if you enjoyed GWB you most likely will find Trouble'99 a sort of homecoming yet with different characters. This story follows four friends and comrades, facing hard luck in both love and life in the city. I hope you like it.


View all my reviews

runaways

we drank hot chocolate from silver-rimmed china
around a polished wooden table

i found your big toe beneath it
punching through the canvas
while eating macaroons

why are you running away?
she asked us

i stood up tall
on my toes

you would too
if your home
was like ours

the leader

my brother has been storing acorns

how will we find food when leaves

curl up in the cold? we will eat them

so to fill up the hollow spaces 

between our ribs. i will get the

last acorn because i am

the leader

NOVEMBER 22 1997

playing crazy eights listening to music
talking trash fighting getting high
twentysomethings in the late 1900s
spilling drinks spilling consciousness
on the dance floors of YBOR CITY

a blackout drinker in those days i
would lose my credit card and eventually
my wallet my shoes and my keys
my sanity. early hours of the morning
nothing but my clothes and my high on
and a couple phone numbers of friends
in my head.

blonde

you came to my door selling candles
and applespice tea in blonde wooden
boxes. i bought the one with a dragon
holding a sword. the kind you wanna
carve into your arm some day

#katyamills
remix 1998

projection of a long lost high 5

begotten children descend
planted according to trend
dropped like fashion
and spirited away

taken from vision with
binary ocular precision
Made In America!
by decree by
decision

you try to defragment you
hope for some clarity then
comes trouble. another
greenish colored bubble
eating bacteria to survive

projections of a long lost
heartfelt high
five

living off lip service the echelons
make hay. they
promise to play out tomorrows
today

robbed of nutrients you forgot
who you are. exercise occurs between
edifice and car

doing the laundry
you cycle back to humble
removing the factory tag
carry the sadness ina brown
paper bag



#katyamills
remix 2010