Tuesday, 7 July 2020

seven ways of saying

keep showing
up don't let these thoughts
overpower you. stressed
detained i see you locked
inside a flame beside the river

talk to me show me how
you feel. life can be fluid if
we let go

#katyamills






be like my cat be

july i was high up
front like the head
lines 2020 what with changes
some good some bad see
my emo in my face be like my
cat be by my
side

#katyamills

sad wrap son

sad rapper at the sad
wrap. spittin lyrics at the
ice cold mirror. once visionary
critically acclaimed high
life reduced to crap sad
rapper why life so sad that's a
wrap son


#katyamills


Monday, 6 July 2020

fourth

i am heading home just before midnight
the city crackling with explosives
gunpowder permeates the summer night heat i
worry for anyone with trauma maybe
lit like the fuse. you can try but you cannot
cancel the fourth. best part is the wonderment
in the kids faces to see the bloom
turbo charged competing with a full
moon. ascending whistling popping receding
block after block. the river the
only stillness tonight. its reflection
captures my imagination

#katyamills

Sunday, 5 July 2020

cancel.culture

culture got canceled my tickets
would not be redeemed
culture got canceled
all the statues were harbored
i guess was not all
it seemed

#katyamills

Thursday, 2 July 2020

pepper tea

the subtle thing got a little louder the
big thing dropped back some. when they met
for pepper tea the not so subtle truth told the big
thing you sure made me feel important
you did. thank you. they stirred sugar
evenly room enough
for two

#katyamills

Wednesday, 1 July 2020

81

eighty one 
got a bigger screen tv
got a case of heineken and
a fever of a hundred
and three

eighty one
gonna sweat it out
in a shape fitting
armchair

eighty one
a child of the second world
war

no damn virus
gonna stop 
you


#katyamills

Monday, 29 June 2020

am.pm dawn in america

nothing forced we
plot course let it take us
dawn in america. we were wrong we got right
my apartment an organic
living mess like the desk of a social worker on wednesday i
tried to take flight off the screen off the paper
now i'm grounded. stay still. chill
the time we got to spendin
you were the one. i couldn't care what they saw
the faded flags fly eyes
desert dry i could cry coffee
for all the sleep we lost
the sunrise. the 8th wonder
of the world

#katyamills

life before cars



i remember you years back. funny and loud
silence didn’t stand a chance

they expanded the freeway

now i cannot hear the birds
like they planned it

ten lanes now
the whole family out

bowling. an icy can of orange and two

tone shoes. big shiny ball ona slow roll

i got you in my head again. when you left

it was life before cars



#katyamills

Sunday, 28 June 2020

thank these gods

these notifications surround us from
all sides chirping like new species of bird
fuk these ads between songs they
killin us. okay i
thank these gods for you sweet
heart keep your dreams alive on
sunday. covid 19 proliferates culture
gets canceled ok good or bad
we are young. a little hot
sometimes thats all

#katyamills

these dreams

feeling lost they
danced back into one
of a thousand worlds they
called home

lightning struck
through a dark web
portal

they drank champagne
with a twist on a staple of twitter
retweetables

now was time
to search themselves then
produce these
dreams


#katyamills

Friday, 26 June 2020

snapshot 25

the sky is asking the
water running i
discard my early morning jeans
step into the
peach skin of apartments
the weave of baskets the
morning sun the
life of the

day


#katyamills

Thursday, 25 June 2020

june 25

capture my imagination
provoke it. feed it beans and
rice and release it into
what's left of
the wild


#katyamills

Wednesday, 24 June 2020

book giveaway



 
 


    Goodreads Book Giveaway
 

   

        Trouble '99 by Katya Mills
   

   

     


          Trouble '99
     
     


          by Katya Mills
     

     

         
            Giveaway ends June 28, 2020.
         
         
            See the giveaway details
            at Goodreads.
         
     
   
   



    Enter Giveaway



Tuesday, 23 June 2020

im.print

shooting the mouth off
another infraction rolled
up tight end over
end i gotta stop
anywhere
to think

sometimes by light or water
beneath the wind whipped
trees the city speeds the violent
dust up of paper flying about 

there
by the koi pond in some
anaerobic muck the
beta swallows the
alpha. all is well
again


#katyamills

Monday, 22 June 2020

white

i saw the law i
went outside. they searched me
they searched my car they
fined me cuffed me
locked me behind bars they
assaulted me made me feel stupid
ashamed hopeless and lost
consider me lucky they
never took my life

#katyamills

Sunday, 21 June 2020

1985

a skinhead ina truck ahead of me flying
beyond the limits drifted left hit the median
at thirty degrees bounced off
fender crumpled

brakes burning i thought it was over
for all of us. dirt from the shoulder rising
to meet the windshields
giving us flak

then
like nothin happened
we picked up speed and drove on
heartbeat tapering down

the trajectory of my life is not dissimilar
almost totaled

like nothing happened i go on
body demands coffee day and night
approaching fifty like i'm
twenty-five. takin flak. sense of purpose
no different than it was
back in ‘85 

#katyamills

june 21

slept for ten hours and would have
more but for hydraulics screaming
under weight of recycling beyond
the back door. dissociated after my sugar crash i
zoned out on credit karma
to witness the inevitable separation
of self from hard-earned
cash

#katyamills

Friday, 19 June 2020

snapshot 26

life is always 
changing hard to
define

temperature climbing
freestyle rhyming
cultures dubbed like sound
no longer willing
to be reduced
to a wheeze

statues standing in
stone motion cold
freeze

getting up i get
down to strike keys
dissing the
eeze

Thursday, 18 June 2020

2012

leading a protest against
emptiness i was
in need of SSRIs
held up by hairspray 
insides like jello
lookin sorry
played out
feelin neglected
relationships faded i
could not synch the
clocks i was checking
all the locks

i found my
own way out by god
that's life 


#katyamills
remix 2012

un.locked

we were group thinking
rising in numbers 
exponential on the
streets

then i saw you

detached. by the stairs. head
down shoe laces free
style blowing out
in some other
world

you lifted your eyes you
searched you extracted my heart
by a keyword

i would give up my cause
for you. unlock me
from the masses! the
pain is almost
gone


#katyamills

Tuesday, 16 June 2020

knock down drag

you were workin several shifts
holding it down. i was lifted hopin
this could hold up. you were
switchin gears then i tried
you and we had a knock down
drag out. the dogs left howling
in the yard. a playful sun hid
behind a cloud. then set the
sky on fire. i. you.
we all come down

#katyamills

Monday, 15 June 2020

emo.z

yesterday i got lost
on gen z emo
rap and cried about the lean
the purple the blue
they turned
before their time
came due

thank god
the music lives
on

Sunday, 14 June 2020

twenty.twenty

life is sharp and ready
to cut

cat on my chest
flexes
pushing retracting
claws

life is soft and
dreamy ona
sunday morning

the newsprint wants
to murder
you

still
so much to do
not enough time

the screens blinding

i would be lying if
i said i was
fine


#katyamills

Saturday, 13 June 2020

dream sequence

i am walking a bridge made of guitar
strings made of guts. over a gorge.
back in my hotel room there are lamps
in the bathtub. the place is ransacked and
i think it was me. sleep
i need sleep. no blankets no sheets just a
mattress on the ground. blood rushes
from a slit down my forearm. i am weak
no words to speak no tears upon my
cheek. nobody around. i pick up the old
phone wrap the cord around my arm
restless to remember your number. i call you.
the tone of each ring holds a promise.


#katyamills

Friday, 12 June 2020

honestly i

so i lost it
what can i say
knuckles bleeding
today

they ran up on me
the thoughts rushing
my mind i had to ice a mf
hit me from
behind

picked some flowers
for my momma on
my way home
depleted of color
looking for a sign
fixed on my cell
i cannot see
whats happening
to me

blue bells for
momma a monster
in my heart

don't wanna wash
this blood away

honestly
i lost it what
can i say


#katyamills

Thursday, 11 June 2020

what was

the future arrived
yesterday
maybe a loved one
 or two
you and me because
we knew
what was


#katyamills

Wednesday, 10 June 2020

june 10

i see you on video you look so good
all airbrushed like that lemme give you
a virtual hug or a heart. will i see you
in real life and when? i filtered the audio so your
voice is crystal clear. calling from a stitch
in a switch. damn. the game
finally swallowed us.

#katyamills

Tuesday, 9 June 2020

wheels

sparrows dip
wings and turn about
the gold fields

tent city at north
gate and sixteenth god
am i lucky

ridin wheels
over the american
river

exchangin words
at the fountain
gettin wet

thank you

spinnin hot
spokes shinin
in the sunlight

close to my
heart



Monday, 8 June 2020

Sunday, 7 June 2020

world without words

you will never add up
admonished the numbers

the letters formed into soft
words oh. ok. sorry and if you
say so

you must be calculating
to help us. precise.
do we have to spell
it out?

the letters went silent. they drafted
a non compete clause but the
numbers they just multiplied out
toward infinity

the letters they felt
useless. abandoned

then a question arose
how will we communicate
without us?

the numbers stopped
at a loss for
words

Saturday, 6 June 2020

#hk

hong kong. never too far
from my thoughts

all the action in my country
where i am caught. and you
my sister. so far, far away i write this letter
if only to say

we love you
we will not let them bring you down
may we laugh and hold hands may we
fight this together

always be free in our
hearts

Friday, 5 June 2020

out.let

the water comes to a boil
i measure out some grains
juan valdez to wake me up
coffee black on a full moon


friday. everyone lookin 4 an outlet
i got mine behind these
keys



#katyamills

Thursday, 4 June 2020

june 3

june. thunderstorms broken sleep
boarded up businesses and the national
guard scattered like buckshot all across town
the mindless dumb they thumbing their nose
pulling on straps full face smiling don't
care. under the window some
junky gone pale fishin for a vein
eyes fall back sunk in that old melody
shook up waiting for
the beat


#katyamills

cold city

sun touches the earth
the line becomes more
and more defined

a firmness in your belly
metallic taste on your tongue

little moons
running wide orbits 
circling you

the sun cool the ice
burning hot

the kids
sweeping up
after you

not everyone's gonna be
what the world wants
you to be

wiping the palms
off the glass you
wait for night
to forget


#katyamills

Tuesday, 2 June 2020

livestream



we livestream through the
heat waves never touching we
walk the blocks like bandits

wearing masks wondering
what happened to the world we
once knew



#katyamills

Monday, 1 June 2020

hope ina hopeless time

back to the liquor store

for another scratcher you
poured a cup of coffee at the gas
station walked out
of town on the train
tracks you recited in your head
the smile the cashier gave you
the balanced smile


all the hope you
ever had ina hopeless
time



#katyamills

Sunday, 31 May 2020

back yourself up

we danced to the old songs dated
back when life seemed less

complicated less strung out

on media talking to us from our pockets our screens keeping tabs all
night and day long we danced freely like we had some kind of voice some kind of choice in this automated cyber world you really gotta know deep down who you are

download yourself or get
tagged archived judged and encrypted
back yourself up

(less than) lethal

the people come together
pelted by rubber bullets burned
by tear gas. fuck the pandemic! they
will not be detained

the force is lethal
calls itself less than
less than lethal but make no mistake
whatever label they slap on
the force is lethal
it can kill you make
no mistake it can and
will

and

litigation can take
the spine out of any
charge

un.feeling

if you had a heart you cried if
you had a heart you shouted out
against the unspeakable 
horror if you

if you had a heart it broke and maybe 
you could not control yourself 
for a while

grieving these systemic patterns 
you could not bear to remain

orderly
calm
respectable
peaceful

out on the streets
where a drop became many
a stream became a river 
an ocean of

feeling
against the unfeeling

dredging up a particle of hope
there to see where
we were not
alone 

Friday, 29 May 2020

minnea.polis

they wield extreme power they can kill you in public
and will. and did. again. George Floyd. we expressed outrage
six feet away from the sidewalk to the ends of the earth. we
who have hearts alive and beating
theft and what did you expect? fires. broken glass. mayhem and what
america? what did you expect? you hunt and trap our friends our comrades
helpless. caged. handcuffed on the ground all the breath forced out of them. another life
stolen another family loss. a community. a nation of communities.
america you will wake up from your imperial dream you will. the
institutionalized isms will be eradicated. we won't let you sleep our country
means to much to us. leaders arise to deliver
social justice. free shipping. cops accused of murder. found
guilty. based on facts. convicted. sentenced to life
or death


Thursday, 28 May 2020

airwaves

when you feel unwanted
like static
to airwaves

remember

sometimes
only you
can see see how
essential you
are

stay true to
you

constant
trustworthy
anchored between
stations

even static has its righteous
place in this
world

Wednesday, 27 May 2020

what the hell

i didn't know
what the hell i 
was doing
i lacked insight
i lacked judgment
but i did what i did
and i did
what i could
and survived and
now i know
what the
hell

Tuesday, 26 May 2020

keep dreaming

when you finally let
the old dream go
you can get down
to really living

they say

but who?
who can live?
who can live without
dreams


Monday, 25 May 2020

love over coffee


the essence steeped
clouding my energy then
overcome
i put down my pen
leather bound journal open
faced in the café i
closed my eyes and thought 
of you
our energies once
commingled here
the pressure of heat on water the
steam submerged in milk
endlessly colored by
coffee how we met eyes
ina non-committal
slightly disinterested
way
i felt you
looking over me i could taste
you tasting me
steeped in me
the essence at first clouded
my energy
then 
then i was
i was
overcome

Sunday, 24 May 2020

book giveaway!


Enter this contest to read my latest novella for free if you like fiction!
Please vote for my book if you like it in the UKSTORYTELLER2020 contest on Kindle!


Posted on May 24, 2020 by KatYa

Goodreads Book Giveaway
TROUBLE’99
by Katya Mills

Giveaway ends May 31, 2020.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads. Enter Giveaway

Rate this:

Saturday, 23 May 2020

1983

we were kids
not even ten
when we found
our hideout ina
faded olive
winter-warped
waterlogged
hornet-infested
window cracked
trespass
warning
shack

middle of the pet
cemetery

i had to stop
reading books
late into the night
if i hoped to get up
early enough
to meet you all
there

but i could
not


Friday, 22 May 2020

polaroid u

you
are the life you are the 
hard seasons the
recipe dating generations
back

careless restless and reckless
the soft viable understanding
at the end of a great confusion
soon escapes you

owls in the night upset 
your blood pressure you
throw parties you create
and destroy

you drink endless glasses
of milk and bourbon you
call and no one answers
you

raise high your fists you
splash around dark thoughts 
and then

and then one day
you give a damn you
really do you seek forgiveness
and the strength of
conviction

you change but all they see
is a snapshot a
polaroid

you upset the blood
pressure you reek of hard seasons
recipes dating back to a great
confusion

all that is left of you
is your change

open your fists and let
your hands meet. look
up to the sky. may the soft
and viable understanding
save you



#katyamills

Thursday, 21 May 2020

rock ridge

one kind word
and the new world
opened up 

the obscenity
the hatred
the judgment 
the old concrete
broke apart

one kind word ina city
of water of engine of
fire of steam made 
passage 

to the heart

ina whisper
ina vision
ina friend


Wednesday, 20 May 2020

may 20 2020

dawn

the birds
gave my heart
some hope
ina song 
for the 
summer

the best

my brother
it pains me
divides us
the way i see you do not see
the world

i turn up the Smiths
to stop my heart
my heart
from hurting

take my will take
my life

all i
all i know is
my brother
you're the
fucking
best

if i could only love you
for the way you look at life
look over your shoulder
follow your arm
open my eyes
and declare yes!

yes! i see what
you see i love what
you love!

would i lie to you?
my brother

no. but i
can

i can love you
love i can
love

up mood 1

my mood drops like a beat
you answer when i
call and

 we get to our feet
walking the miles
just to meet

my mood 
rises up become a bird in
the sky

can't say exactly how
fuck i sure know
why

20

twenty days in
been dragged down
before and will
again

twenty days in
got your mind made up so
turn up your song

feel it and go
for it

like you never loved life
more

Saturday, 16 May 2020

next book?

i've been considering my next project. my next book. i'm excited to say i unearthed a treasure of archive material on my drive, files some of which i previously had trouble converting, hundreds of pages of autobiographical material dating back to my twenties and early thirties, and all the adventures i had. life was going off the rails but it sure was entertaining. lots of stories and characters i otherwise would have forgotten. i'm excited to either remix it into fiction or semi-fiction. i could publish it as straight autobiography but it's so much fun stirring it up and remixing. this has become my niche period, 1990-2010, and i hope to approach it from a completely different space.

Friday, 15 May 2020

4 am

i discover the earthquake
37 miles out of Tonopah
Nevada by the water
rippling in the pool

200 miles away!

the cats screaming bloody murder
behind this apartment building

put the coffee on
it's friday anything could happen
save the kid surrender yourself
to a riptide

it can be beautiful
devastating

what a commotion
as we roll into
the weekend





Thursday, 14 May 2020

98



like a bullet with a tracer
ink shoots off your 
arm

a bitterness
on the tongue 
at work

like a dance the tears
play up the eyes

level the bottle 
nudge of the wrist
cold heart heats 
up then 
rest

you wake to the sun
where you lay

breath and thoughts
in motion push 
against

 volumes of 
memory


#katyamills
remix

Wednesday, 13 May 2020

may 13

how we missed you
in the heart of the pandemic
we got you second
hand

through rain through snow
upon us

the sunlight
striking

those of us alone
the way we register fear

the wind

how much is lost
without your
touch



Tuesday, 12 May 2020

MAY 12 2020

i grew up in a complicated world
lots of adult parties and American businessmen
lots of stay at home moms in
competition

now
many years later
i make a simple life
a working life
not too many friends
i keep to myself

i could not recreate the world i once lived in
i could not and would not
it was never my world

i love the simple life
the working life
neither destructive nor uninspired
diving into mysteries

Monday, 11 May 2020

prayer



carries to god then
back down to 
earth palms touch
marked by crescent lines
destiny moves in
and out of self
brokering wilderness
in a heavy
 heart

Sunday, 10 May 2020

one.only

falling
        down
     a rocky
hill
over the handlebars of your bike
swimming when the pool
was closed howling when
all the world was quiet
then i saw you then
i knew
you for my
one my
only

Saturday, 9 May 2020

run with the night

you run with the night you
sleep in the sun
an inchworm stretches out
on your thumb you 
sleep through the day and run
with the night 
you live 

you live 
in the
light


#katyamills

Hyde Park Cafe. 1997

all is elevated
this floor over the earth
this table the grain flush
above the floor the arms
of the couch free
falling bodies at half a perpendicular
snaking lethargically like
my thoughts

elevated

eight sided glasses
opening rims up to the sky
fan blades cutting through a plane
brass reliefs flowering
rooted to the ceiling

thursday night
all is elevated

twenty three
high on coffee high on
dreams


#katyamills 
remix

JANUARY 9, 1997

thin as a grain of wheat
rarely uprooted from his chair
black cat at his feet
waiting for the next meal
the next dream

traded freedom to his granddaughter
so he wouldn't have to live in a home

eyes red around the rim
voice deep within the throat
bones coated with dust like the painting
of his long since passed wife
hanging on the wall behind him

six foot three he can still
touch the sky
i used to jitterbug he says
and smiles. heart following memory
up the gulf coast
across the panhandle
all the way back to California

when he's upset
sometimes he swears (the gravel
spitting off his thunder)
GIVE ME THE KEYS! i'll drive there my
damn self i will!
alone? she questions, eyes bulging
ALONE!

and i
i believe him
you better hide those keys
tonight


#katyamills
remix 1997

Friday, 8 May 2020

BOOK RELEASE!


TROUBLE'99TROUBLE'99 by Katya Mills


This 42,000 word book represents a project I started two years ago, digging into my archives for material. The book is set in Chicago where I lived for 10 years of my life, and my intention was to capture the spirit of twentysomethings at the turn of the century. My first published novel, Girl Without Borders, covers the same historical ground, so if you enjoyed GWB you most likely will find Trouble'99 a sort of homecoming yet with different characters. This story follows four friends and comrades, facing hard luck in both love and life in the city. I hope you like it.


View all my reviews

Thursday, 7 May 2020

runaways

we drank hot chocolate from silver-rimmed china
around a polished wooden table

i found your big toe beneath it
punching through the canvas
while eating macaroons

why are you running away?
she asked us

i stood up tall
on my toes

you would too
if your home
was like ours

the leader

my brother has been storing acorns
how will we find food when leaves
curl up in the cold? we will eat them
so to fill up the hollow spaces 
between our ribs. i will get the
last acorn because i am
the leader

Sunday, 3 May 2020

NOVEMBER 22 1997

playing crazy eights listening to music
talking trash fighting getting high
twentysomethings in the late 1900s
spilling drinks spilling consciousness
on the dance floors of YBOR CITY

a blackout drinker in those days i
would lose my credit card and eventually
my wallet my shoes and my keys
my sanity. early hours of the morning
nothing but my clothes and my high on
and a couple phone numbers of friends
in my head.

blonde

you came to my door selling candles
and applespice tea in blonde wooden
boxes. i bought the one with a dragon
holding a sword. the kind you wanna
carve into your arm some day

#katyamills
remix 1998

Friday, 1 May 2020

projection of a long lost high 5

begotten children descend
planted according to trend
dropped like fashion
and spirited away

taken from vision with
binary ocular precision
Made In America!
by decree by
decision

you try to defragment you
hope for some clarity then
comes trouble. another
greenish colored bubble
eating bacteria to survive

projections of a long lost
heartfelt high
five

living off lip service the echelons
make hay. they
promise to play out tomorrows
today

robbed of nutrients you forgot
who you are. exercise occurs between
edifice and car

doing the laundry
you cycle back to humble
removing the factory tag
carry the sadness ina brown
paper bag



#katyamills
remix 2010

Wednesday, 29 April 2020

2010 tangible truismic

sometimes we are the half of life

jaw floored variety of bored like a

post-dose-nod-ona-klono-pin-wheel-spin

 72 rpms back to back to back

well-placed commencement at the very end of some

ego-trip-sleepwalk-to-certain-degree-of-destination

got there with your body and realize back there

somewhere your spine fell out

drinking wine until you pass out flopped around ina 

sorry omega-threesome like a caterpillar hanging out

legs

 

you check your gps for self-locus flower 

stop accepting all substitutes-imposters-splenda-and-cancelled-checks

go long and selfless beyond the ego panic attacks

get the train back on track and loosen all ties. free the suspension 

beyond the words so trite and truismic

here and now we conjure ourselves in flashes again and again 

until we reach some static in the attic

we need not be cardboard we are

solid tangible statuesque ennui


#katyamills
from the archive
remix 2010

Tuesday, 28 April 2020

dressed ina stare

this room. the one window never
saw a sun set never saw a sun
rise

tired yellow light. emotion-driven
words. dawn not yet broken
and who would know

lonely nights in the city
she lay with someone. any shadow
wrapped in sheets

she was meant to be
surrounded by prayers
careful movements
giving hands

and who would know
not this user not this
lover

end of a cigarette
wet. blackened
the other

ceiling dressed ina stare

against his chest
she listened
every man's heart beat different
and none for her



#katyamills
remix 1998

Monday, 27 April 2020

FEBRUARY 11 1998 (1/2)

 I found a typewritten sheet from the Royal I had in Florida, 1998, tucked into my diary. Here's a remix from the first paragraphs I wrote...


She lay with him she
trusted him she knew him no more than
the shadows the moon cast on the wall
dressed and gone by morning

balancing on the edge of the tub
she shaved her legs with a cheap razor
someone left behind

02.11.98
the blood didn't bother her
there would be no sleep
tonight

he lay awkwardly after
hands in his pockets
she played a palm across his chest
carelessly

to be robbed was something
he imagined he
deserved

taste of her in his mouth feather
pillow imbued with her
perfume



#katyamills. remix'98


Sunday, 26 April 2020

PTI and Don Hadlock

Don Hadlock, co-founder of PTI: the Process Therapy Institute in San Jose, passed away in January this year @ 77 years old. I wanted to tribute him as a leader and teacher and mentor and all around wonderful human being. I was blessed to encounter him within a year long Group Process Therapy series while I was enrolled as a Master's level student in Holistic Counseling at JFK University in Campbell, CA. He and his wife Carol founded PTI 40 years ago, he said, after having had a revelation while driving through the Santa Cruz mountains about the difference between content and process. Content (in the context of therapy) is the words a client speaks. Process is what they are doing while they are speaking; essentially, any other ways they may be communicating through their behavior. Maybe they are biting their lip or laughing when they mean to cry. There is a wealth of information which may be overlooked by talk therapy focused on content. By holding space for and calling attention to process, one can guide someone through present-moment interventions, deepen the therapeutic alliance and cultivate both self and ego awareness. Process therapy is also trauma-informed.  The 'pain body' as Tolle refers to it, encompasses how we hold our history of trauma in our body, which naturally extends to how we relate to the world: ourselves, our friends, family, and community. Mr. Hadlock taught us how to help a client interface the pain body from a gentle and invitational spirit. I am indebted to him. I believe my ability as a psychotherapist to create space and facilitate process and group process in my clinical practice, sources from many of his teachings. I think of him often in my work and I miss him.

Saturday, 25 April 2020

metal flower morning

she was a barista. my friend
gettin people high on stiff colombian shots!
she remarked

a cafe bar in a hotel
little round marble
tables. guys (and girls) feigned to read
watching her change money
serve drinks

looking around
thinking everyday thoughts i
waited for her to get off shift

listened to the steam
scream through silver
stems

metal flowers

how could anyone ever
kill themselves? i overheard
a woman say to her husband
behind a newspaper

what with the wonder
of the world i don't know

they can and
they do lady they can
and they do

shuffling cards laughing
looking and being looked upon
exchanging cash and feelings
young Americans

we had it good
we did

metal flowers
screamed across the tissue
smoking would kill us all
if we wanted to
so bad



#katyamills
remix 1998

Friday, 24 April 2020

Tampa, Florida. 1997

narrow dirt roads for legs
two moons for eyes she
was once that kid on a
milk carton

did not want to be found

twelve years later watching x
files smoking weed helps

the pain she
cares for her grandfather
and her son

they're both handfuls

grandfather drinks and smokes
like he's half his age
boy cries and throws tantrums like
he's half his and he's
ten

she loves them without
conditions

i want to be around people
who give me energy
she shouts (competing with the
swamp cooler) not
take it

thick gravel roads for legs
half moons for eyes she
hasn't changed



#katyamills
remix'97

Thursday, 23 April 2020

Wednesday, 22 April 2020

the traveler. 1997

life changed i
became
free of walk and free
of talk
those i loved
who had loved me
vanished
a sunny room
i watch you start in on
your meal
a couch under a modest chandelier
time passes
a soft spot where my voice
had been
ceramic plate
eggs and a spot of ketchup
a silver fork and listen!
do not speak!
contractions expansions the hands
climbing circles round
a face
you cannot
this cannot be
real
pots and pans brimming
with soap. good god
are we?
good god! i am
alive


#katyamills
1997

Tuesday, 21 April 2020

gem

imperial pints to touch
we brought
shared visions of our future
lot
chicago
summer burning
hot
long stretches behind typewriters
open facing books
fingerprints dusted in
ink backs up against
a kitchen sink
worked into a
gem


#katyamills
remix’97

Monday, 20 April 2020

plenipotentiary

if one were a god, or thought oneself a god, or the president of the united states in 2020, and wanted to test out creation, to determine it were sound, and demanded a father to take the life of his son, what would it mean that he complied? for he is confined on earth. this is all he knows. where he was born he will also expire. if he cares anything for his family and himself, he ought not kill his son and would rather die in his place. if, however, he believes earth a living hell and he should not think for himself, that he is nothing but a slave of god? then to take his son's life on command would be the ultimate verification, and sanity most certainly would depart. if this were the case, and one were a god, or thought oneself a god, or the president of the united states in 2020, one might draw the conclusion they are nothing more than a feared plenipotentiary. therefore, all would know that one had miserably failed and many, as a result, would come to question their faith.

Sunday, 19 April 2020

reading our minds



thinking of you
falling for you

neither fear nor misunderstanding
today. the moments
make me sad

how long will we have

you are tired i am
tired not always discontent
but tired

by the world
quaking
rocking
shifting
endlessly


shut the door

let us be

warm feet meet cold feet
lying on a couch reading
our minds



#katyamills
remix 1997

extremity of the heart

if there was snow
there were snowballs
you hit me with one
started a battle
blew into a hundred thousand particles
each little packed explosion tasting
touched by love

chicago

winter when i remember
you

how deep
we fell

by instinct

irrepressibly
uncontrolled
elevated

irresistibly

bookstores and books
we bought dropping the change
into hands holding cups like a prayer
outside mcdonalds

soon there would be
nothing more
to live
for



#katyamills
remix'1996



tightrope.hk.leadership.manuscript

My thoughts turn to Hong Kong where democracy leaders who have fought for the ‘one country, two systems’ were recently arrested and detained. Timing is suspicious as they know the global pandemic is likely to edge out anything else (no matter how relevant) for headlines. An age old political tactic for sure. My thoughts turn also to less fortunate countries in these troubling times. Covid19 has had a terrible impact on the USA, Germany, Italy, Spain, France, UK, China. All countries with historically thriving economies, mostly well connected and funded, top notch with research and development, technological advances, and responsiveness to crisis. One can only imagine the devastation when it marches through impoverished areas. How will Africa and India and South America be impacted? I worry for the global economy and a second Great Depression. People gathering at State Capitols across the nation, protesting stay at home orders, their jobs and livelihoods at stake. And it is true that for every family every single job is not non-essential. People want desperately to get back to work. We are all walking on a tightrope it seems and for various reasons. The world needs true leadership. Who will step up? So far we’ve seen a few. Dr. Fauci. Angela Merkel. Gavin Newsom. Andrew Cuomo. Anxiety about the contagion and keeping it subdued competes with fear of the economic impact that comes from not working. I feel increasingly fortunate to have my job and my writing habit and my friends and family. Work keeps me sane. GREAT news! my manuscript is complete and ready to be published. I’m grateful for freedom of speech.   #katyamills

Thursday, 16 April 2020

big sky

why so sad?
she asks

my girl my
lovely
thin t shirt
above me

smiling not quite
drunk pinning her locks
to my heart

i dunno it's so crystal
this moment
big sky holds
us

i snap the
bra strap
as she yawns



#katyamills
remix 1996

Wednesday, 15 April 2020

daylight with earth

she saw by
her soul
images painful
bold. this world
its children
mix daylight with
earth

she took the lights
down. he pissed on the porcelain
water scattered
with poison

dead leaves pale
faces under a big
sky

candles on the tank
elbows
and shoulders and
knees

he had to have her
pain made him
whole again

 behind his eyes
a redemptive quality
cast in a pervasive light

his struggle
hers



#katyamills
remix 1996

Tuesday, 14 April 2020

skatin the i.ball

in a crowd i was
a thief my eyes shifty my
shadow darted into grates
hands in pockets pupils
skating the eyeball
in circles. an object of
derision a sinking
suspicion

alone i was birth
and death and
neverending i
drank my coffee
after five hours
sleep

my moment
stirred

i was left
out

i was shy i
longed to
be



Katya Mills
remix'96



Monday, 13 April 2020

love space cadet

we loved to eat we
ate we ate we ate


companionship was immortal life
never gained any
weight
and

 digested the earth
below our feet

and
left us spinning
space
cadets


#katyamills
remix'96

Sunday, 12 April 2020

lightning without thunder


through clouds flashes
through eyelids

blanket over tired feet pillow
under head how long is forever? you
let me sleep

the wind
sands
the dunes

washes the truck
dry my eyes on my
plate you let me
eat let me
sleep

time flashes by on our tv
sets. through eyelids through
clouds

lightning
without thunder

it is past our bedtime past
our pastime before
we even know it
and

we even
know it



Katya Mills
remix from '96

Saturday, 11 April 2020

shade breathing dust at noon

Pelicans seesaw then dive in a row
stabbing daggers into salt
water in the wind

i am the line not yet drawn
a whole awaiting division

clouds form faces against the sky
watching the sun
swallowed by the sea

i am permanence for that 
which is changing

seagulls flutter and cry
across the new horizon
some light left behind
a burning memory 

i cry in colored sunsets
waiting for coffee
to open my 
eyes

i am a shade breathing
dust at noon

taken and remixed from the black cover 
journal of katya mills '96
i was 23 years old

Friday, 10 April 2020

check

anyone
stuck at home
faced with

stillness
silence
boredom

uninspired
waiting for government
stimulus

generate it
yourself

Thursday, 9 April 2020

urban verses

faith in one

another we
take cover

hitting the bricks
early hour of the

day we
trick the tricks
what they gonna

say

no nine to five we
make our own
time i feel so alive
in your arms then
spent

steam rises
through grates in
the streets we rent

hydrants let loose
like my spirit
summer days
catches fire scaling
fences

beneath
your loving gaze


#katyamills
2020

under cover

under cover
of darkness
my lover
of light
made even
a storm front
bright

Tuesday, 7 April 2020

faith without works is dead!

Faith without works is dead! within our everyday actions, from the moment we wake up to when we lie down to sleep, we can claim our faith and find freedom in doing so. thoughts and feelings are colored by judgment calls which may or not be accurate. how many times have you made an appraisal only to find out you were dead wrong? and then how you feel about it shifts. feelings are colored by thoughts and thoughts, influenced by how we feel. years can go by being misled, having misconstrued a situation, misunderstanding and being misunderstood! our actions, on the other hand, are tangible, concrete. they cannot lie. what you do is true.

Monday, 6 April 2020

pandemic day 20

April 6
Global cases = 1,286,000
USA = 337,000
Sacramento = 442E

NYC is supposed to apex this week, while other major American cities are on the rise. We are definitely as a nation nowhere close to out of the woods. Vaccine not in sight. Testing still very limited. Supply of ventilators dwindling. I went to the grocery store and wore a paper surgical mask. About a third of people shopping also wore masks. Finally I was able to find eggs and italian sausage. I talked to my dad and he says although the economy is facing a serious recession he doesn't expect another Great Depression. He's a finance professional so I took comfort in his words. It was comforting speaking with my brother and mom over the weekend. And my aunt last week. I worked on my novel over the weekend which was the best distraction, trying to stick to my routines. I may take a hiatus on this pandemic diary, as the first 20 days gives you a pretty good idea of what one slice of life was like living through it, if you happen to be reading this many years from now and curious to know. I wanted to capture what it felt like. We certainly have hard days ahead in this city, this state, this country, and all over the world. Yet we are 8 billion strong. The greater long term question is how long can the earth and her atmosphere sustain such a thriving species as ours? Some great minds are certain it won't be long. There is a fascinating global quest to relocate humanity on Mars. I would love to witness this in my lifetime.


Sunday, 5 April 2020

pandemic day 19

April 5
Global cases = 1,216,000
USA = 311,000
Sacramento = 390E

The decentralized approach our current administration has taken towards combating the covid19 has not been very effective. The proof is in the numbers. USA has over twice the reported cases of infections than any other country, and this statistic cannot be written off as justified by greater access to virus testing in our country, because our testing has been scarce and targeted only to those who have been most vulnerable and exposed. Trump has let the States battle it out with a wild west mentality for equipment on the global market. Other countries have complained that the orders they placed to pay on delivery for equipment shipped by air were pirated by cash payments directed by US operatives. Germany and France are among the countries in dire need of equipment making these seemingly outrageous claims. I would imagine they are not making it up! Because when everyone is watching a desperate and tearful New York governor Cuomo on prime time pleading for supplies, you can be damn sure no other state governor wants to be placed in a similar situation. The federal government is simply not in a position to help. Why? Because in the two months from when the administration was first alerted to the outbreak in Wuhan, China, those who advocated in daily briefings at the White House for funding to prepare for the high likelihood of an outbreak on American soil, were told to take a hike! And all they wanted was a few billion dollars early on, and then an order to force US Manufactures to produce the equipment needed. For two months our window to activate our finely tuned state of the art support systems to fight this deadly threat got smaller and smaller, until it fell on Trump's hands while he was leaning out the window looking at blue sky asking everybody: what threat? And even today there has been no direct national command to stay home. 8 US State governors still have not yet directed their constituents to do so. The wheels are certainly in motion and have been since I started this diary almost three weeks ago, but can they turn fast enough to save the cost of millions of lives? We do not yet know. I hope so. This could be a great lesson for the climate change deniers of the world. Look what happens when you wait too long before acting, your arguments seated in pride and nationalism. I love my country! I feel we have often led the way with thoughtful and compelling policy grounded in science and humanitarianism. The world has looked to us for answers. We have world-renowned creative thinkers and artists. In this case, the pandemic, I believe we let our allies and ourselves down. We have not been that grounding, protective force with leadership others can turn to. We have been unable to protect our own healthcare workers. The heroes of this dark time are our doctors and nurses and healthcare workers on the front lines. They are like soldiers without sufficient radar, without sufficient armor. Sparked by courage and a spirit, an ethos, to save lives. 

Saturday, 4 April 2020

pandemic day 18

April 4
Global cases = 1,134,000
USA = 278,000
Sacramento = 390

A foresee a future Hollywood blockbuster film produced by Clint Eastwood based on the life and times of former CO Captain Brett Crozier of Santa Rosa, CA, whose ship is now docked in Guam and whose sailors packed the interior deck and gave him a loving farewell (with zero regard for social distancing) as he walked off the USS Theodore Roosevelt for the final time. Overnight the man has become legendary for crying out for help as covid19 took hold. The Navy relieved him for having set aside protocol at an urgent time (simply demanding compassionate quick responsiveness and flexibility) when any other institution besides the military might have encouraged creative out of the box thinking. Well, not so fast. The White House and several State and regional response teams across the country could also be faulted for the same sort of rigidity. Wait a few months (when we dream this whole pandemic will blow over) and watch the antagonists fall in line in with the hero narrative of Captain Crozier. It will likely require millions of fatalities in our country alone to persuade the narrowest of minds and hearts. It begs the question: can anyone be to blame for being unable to think and feel and act creatively? Probably not. Blame is not a helpful enterprise. Education is a better angle. Education which then leads to informed popular voting which puts leaders, not losers, into elected positions to run the country the way it ought to be run.  

Friday, 3 April 2020

pandemic day 17

April 3
Global cases = 1,041,000
USA = 246,000
Sacramento = 361

I saw an image of NYC firefighters standing in the middle of the avenue applauding hospital staff. In five or six days they are expected to start running out of painkillers, PPEs (gowns, masks), sedatives, and ventilators. One nurse described going to work as 'sheep going in for the slaughter'. The governor is comparing covid19 to a 'slow-moving hurricane'. It's friday and I'm off work. I slept in and awoke to the beautiful sound of morning birds in springtime. The natural world outside is like nothing ever happened. It's my anchor. I took a walk to the seven eleven for a cup of coffee. Plexiglass now separates cashiers from customers. More and more people are wearing surgical masks. The city in the morning is quiet and far from the usual hustle and bustle of a morning commute. Over ten million Americans filed for unemployment in the last two weeks. Wimbledon and the Olympics are cancelled along with the entire sporting season. Kids are fetching chromebooks as school is out indefinitely. Church services are supposed to be accomplished online but several devilish pastors across the nation and in my hometown have been arrested for encouraging their congregations to continue to come on Sunday. The true idiots who somehow rose to power by accident are showing their true colors. Even our so-called leader of our nation ought to take a class in leadership. What ever happened to FDR and 'the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself?'


Thursday, 2 April 2020

pandemic diary 2020 day 16

April 2
Global cases = 952,000
USA = 216,000
Sacramento = 314E

the pandemic is ripping through the charts. approaching one million cases in the world which we all by now should know is many times higher due to scarcity of testing. i fear for the densely populated areas in the world, Tokyo, Paris, LA, the entire country of India. i find it unbelievable that 20 governors in this great union still have not heeded the warnings, and their citizens are freely mingling in restaurants, at church, work, in parks and recreation together. stop and listen already! florida (often late to lunch) finally demanded people stay home yesterday. there are a tremendous number of retired Americans in Florida, including my parents, in the age group at greatest risk to covid19. the governor of New York has been seen crying on air, his constituents dying, refrigerated freight trucks rolling in for use as morgues. his own brother, CNN anchor Chris Cuomo, has contracted the virus. the death care industry is booming. the stock market is tumbling. museums have been closed indefinitely which created an opportunity for art thieves. they stole an 1889 self-portrait by Van Gogh when he was admitted into a psychiatric institution in France. the painting was titled: The Parsonage Garden at Nuenen in Spring 1884. i guess we are all going a little crazy now.

Wednesday, 1 April 2020

pandemic diary 2020 day 15

April 1
Global cases = 882,000
USA = 189,000
Sacramento = 224E


One way or another we will get through this. whenever I go outdoors I am comforted by the beauty of the sun, the sky, the signs of springtime, the birds and flowers have arrived! we will see the other side. i am very concerned about the economic fallout. my guy keeps thinking we should stay home from work but i disagree. we may get the damn covid19 even if we stay home, because u still gotta go to the grocery store, etc. i am an essential worker so they want me there and yes, practicing social distancing with colleagues and still able to get in a little fix of social contact is beneficial to my state of mind! its a gamble who gets this thing. the vast majority will be able to ride it out at home with mild symptoms. the 3% will unfortunately end up with their lives hanging in the balance. could be any of us of course. i need my damn job. i need to stay solvent as long as possible. the Great Depression after the stock market crash in 1929 and the banks failing, left people out of work and suffering poverty and starvation for years. nobody wants to believe it could happen in today's USA of economic prosperity but it could and very well may. so i'm hoping to follow the best medical advice, the CDC guidelines, and also protect my livelihood. okay, enough out of me. thank you my friends. may we stay hopeful and productive and may we survive!

Monday, 30 March 2020

book review

EileenEileen by Ottessa Moshfegh
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I am excited to have found Ottessa and I very much respect her as a contemporary. She has a unique voice and her characters are so flawed and human, all of them. I found this story to be incredibly compelling out the gate! I was happy to be inside Eileen's head, as she has some wild imagination in her train wreck of a life. The characters around her were no less compelling, especially as she sized each one of them up. I will be reading more books by this author, the next being My Year of Rest and Relaxation. I'm currently reading this book in paperback, which is a pleasant change after so many e-books. Only problem is I have to use a headlamp after dark. Anyways, it's the kind of thing I could see Eileen doing. Wearing a headlamp while reading in the attic, and her dad coming up there to call her names and her wishing he would get struck in the head by a falling icicle. The only major disappointment of this story to me was the ending. I don't know exactly why I was disappointed. Something about the use of the narrator as an older woman looking back on her life didn't work for me. And just the outcome of the story didn't work for me. It wasn't really credible or natural an ending. Nevertheless, I was left feeling happy I picked the book up and for sure would recommend it to some people but not my parents. They don't like the stories I write, either. So that's a real compliment.


View all my reviews

pandemic 2020 day 13

March 30
Global cases = 734,000
USA = 142,000
Sacramento = 164E (3.27)

One thing I learned is the covid19 may affect different blood types differently. They are suggesting blood type A may be more susceptible to the virus. I am searching my memory to recall my type, I think it's AB. I am happy to say my hero brought me a thermometer he got at Walmart yesterday. I can't believe it took over 2 weeks to find one. Now in the event I test positive I will be able to quarantine and have all I need to make it through on my own. Some of us will be really really lucky and never contract the virus. Perhaps a small minority get vaccinated a year from now and never be infected. The majority of us can expect to contract the virus, experience mild to moderate symptoms, and get through it safely at home. I have a teledoc and my Kaiser doctor to help me walk through the illness online. Then of course there are the 3% ers who may fall seriously ill and god be with you. Yesterday Dr Fauci, who is the bread and butter of the latest update on covid19 here in the States, predicted 'millions' will be infected and '1-200,000 Americas' will die. This news sent shock waves through my acquaintances. In my humble opinion, the number of fatalities is a great underestimate. There is no way he would be allowed to step up to the podium and give a candid appraisal and be completely forthcoming. Trump finally extended his wish for life (business) to go back to normal to April 30th (previously he wanted the churches packed on Easter, April 12th). I completely understand and do not fault him for pushing for the nearest possible moment to get the economy going. We are looking at a deep recession at best in the coming year. It could get a whole lot worse. Dan Rather was back on the news last night, crying, calling upon the courage our founding fathers. Few are alive today who were old enough to remember the Great Depression. You would have to read a book. Expect poverty and starvation for your average man. Most Americans don't think I could get so bad. But it could. On a brighter note, I personally am hopeful we will get through this and come out a better country. If history is any precedent, we will.

Sunday, 29 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 12

March 29
Global cases = 679,000
USA = 125,000
Sacramento = 164E (3.27)

I realized yesterday not all of California's counties are updating numbers daily. Sacramento and Los Angeles are only providing accurate infection numbers every 3 days. The covid19 transmits through saliva so those little paper masks people wear apparently are useless, as they attract and absorb saliva droplets. I also realize that in grocery stores (where the aisles are not very wide and the goods are essential) people are almost accidentally disobeying the CDC recommendations. Example would be acquaintances running into one another within one aisle and trying to cognitively assess the exact distance between them while simultaneously being fully present and compassionate with a fellow human being they may not have seen in a while. We have a natural inclination (which we must now fight) to abide by our life long training in social standards! So it takes a real conscious effort to distance ourselves at ALL times from others by 6 feet or more. The best way to make this happen is spontaneous communication. Listen, we care about one another so let's be sure: are we six feet away right now? Find your own chosen words and start using them. The two navy hospital ships have now situated themselves on the respective coasts. Mercy on the Pacific (Los Angeles) and Comfort on the Atlantic (NYC). Governor Cuomo is fighting Trump to keep his state from being quarantined, and has described this in language which hearkens back to the Civil War! This would be a declaration of war against the state of New York. As of this morning, Trump has backed off the quarantine. They say such an order would only cause pandemonium as residents of New York would likely start to flee the state. Once again, Democracy as a political system is a funny thing. Any leader has to take into account peoples mobility and, like the stock market, has to take the pulse of public sentiment, which is often a far cry from fact. You have to legislate with people's feelings in mind, because you only have so much influence over them. Personally, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Saturday, 28 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 11

March 28
Global cases = 597,000
USA = 104,000
Sacramento = 164E

Xenophobia can become a real problem when a nation's leaders are labeling a global epidemic by the region of its apparent origin. There have already been cases of Asians and Asian-Americans being mistreated and assaulted since the onset of covid19. We need to all unite and do what we can to defeat this enemy. Ignorant people will react to ignorant statements made by powerful people. This is an equal opportunity illness! It has nothing to do with race or ethnicity. To those who are authority figures, I urge you: use your words carefully, compassionately! I was happy to learn that both my colleague and the client who went to the ER this week tested negative for the novel coronavirus. It took 4 days to get test results! Abbott Laboratories has developed a 5-12 minute rapid test. Today the FDA approved it. I don't know how long it will take to roll out, but this is great news. American automakers, including General Motors, are supposed to start producing ventilators. Again the timeline is fuzzy for how quickly these can go to market. Vaccines may as well be light years away. Survivors have reported a feeling like 'drowning on dry land' and  'six days all alone' in isolation wards. The saddest thing is how people must die alone, family and friends unable to be by their side to comfort them. In Berkeley the students set up a socially approved distance from one another and gathered together to sing songs. We are social beings! The longer we are forced to go without one another, the greater impact this may have on our mental health. I am fortunate I have my colleagues at work whom I see face to face. Teachers and musicians and artists and therapists are using the internet to stay connected. Any creative way we can find to be together is most welcome! 

Friday, 27 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 10

March 27
Global cases = 529,000
USA = 83,000
Sacramento = 120e

Los Angeles is getting press, New Orleans is getting press. I haven't heard much from Chicago or Atlanta or Houston or Boston or San Francisco or Miami. The largest cities are projected to go through what NYC is going through now, triple cases every day into an exponential nightmare. India is a country of a billion plus. As the largest democracy in the world it is expected to experience possibly the greatest loss of life of all nations. Democracy is proving to have less defense against the virus, because citizens typically have more freedom and mobility. Today the FBI busted a two bit actor in Hollywood who tried to sell some pills to an undercover agent and who has been banging his own drum to a 2.5 million Instagram following about his purported 'cure for covid19', seeking million dollar investors at 'the ground floor'. He may serve up to 20 years in the federal pen for being a dunce. Meanwhile a friend of mine was waiting in line with seniors early morning at Costco when a woman in front of her fell back with her shopping cart, unconscious. Call 911. It's Friday and I'm burned out by a stressful week and looking forward to a mostly isolated weekend with my cats. Working on my novella. Reading Eileen. Watching Netflix, jogging and cooking. Maybe I will file my taxes so I can hopefully get a refund before the US Government runs out of money.

pandemic 2020 day 9

March 26
Global cases = 463,000
USA = 64,000
Sacramento = 100e

The Sacramento County jail is releasing 400 prisoners to the streets so they can make room for potentially infected new inmates. The reported number of citizens infected cannot be accurate as only people who are symptomatic and have been exposed to others who have tested positive, and have underlying medical conditions, can make an appointment to test. We should but do not have the capability yet to test everyone who is symptomatic. Once we can, we will surely see a spike in the numbers. I am very busy at the mental health clinic because 2 other managers are sidelined, and lately I'm helping to develop telework plans so my team can work from home. These plans were approved today and everyone was cheering. They can work from home for up to 24 hours a week. It still feels like the calm before the storm at our clinic and in our region. The way I figure, the medical crisis will happen first and the mental health crisis will be fast on its heels.

Wednesday, 25 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 8

March 25.
Global cases = 433,000 
USA = 55,000
Sacramento = 88

I find peace in my routine in the morning. Getting up before dawn, making coffee, listening to classical music on NPR, writing, stretching, praying, talking with my cats and my love. Driving to work without traffic. Around me is a feeling of 'calm before the storm' as everyone's been watching how events unfolded in Italy, and expecting similar mayhem in the States. NYC is already in trouble. I have had several brushes with local cases. I have friends in recovery who attend meetings regularly at a church in Greenhaven, Sacramento. Two among the congregation have passed away from covid19 and many more tested positive. I had a client who had sxs and then tested negative. As of yesterday my colleague went to get tested, as she supported a client face to face last week who was admitted to the ER two days ago with sxs consistent with covid19. We are awaiting results of those tests. We serve vulnerable populations. Work is getting busier and busier as many employees including my fellow managers have had to stay home. Others have chosen to use PTO and stay home to 'flatten the curve' of infections or whom are caregivers for loved ones who are at greater risk due to age or condition. I have found my mood shuffling from courage to fear to anxiety to leadership, from heavy to light-hearted. Laughter is indeed the best medicine and my inner comedian has arrived. When under pressure I have discovered I am somewhat able to step up and rise to the occasion. If you think you need to get tested and want to arrange to get tested at a local testing site, you can utilize Verily, a medical offshoot of Alphabet (Google), which has a questionnaire you can fill out online or on your phone and it will set you up with an appointment if you meet the criteria (exposure to someone who has tested positive, underlying health conditions). The sites being set up are tents by hospitals and you can drive through. The trillion dollar economic stimulus package got approved last night and the stock market rose 11% which is the largest single day jump since 1933. Trump is dying to get the bull market back because he sees it as a reflection of his ego. All the medical advice contradicts his interest in having people go back to work by Easter. April is projected to be a painful time in the States, no matter how well we follow the CDC guidelines. My family has coalesced somewhat in the face of the crisis. It's hard to stay optimistic. I keep sane by being useful. When home I am focused on reading and cooking and writing. I keep calm at work by using my small authority to demonstrate kindness and leadership.

Tuesday, 24 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 7

March 24. The reported total 384,000 have covid19. 16,000 have died. The more i learn, these numbers cannot be trusted due to the limited availability of testing. And, even in places where tests for covid19 are available there are so many more who either are asymptomatic (therefore would not yet seek out testing) or whom are experiencing the virus as something akin to a common cold or flu. Cases range from mild to fatal. So how many are truly infected and carrying the novel coronavirus? Likely 100x the existing data. That's what i have heard. So that would be 38 million and project out to 1.6 million fatalities. And certainly not peaked on most continents. They say there's not a single case on Antarctica. If the last pandemic took 50 million lives and the global population in 1918 was 1.8 billion then covid19 could be expected to take 200 million with population currently around 8 billion. This ratio (and i'm no math genius) approaches 1 out of every 36 people dying. Or approximately a 2.8% mortality rate, which is consistent with the data thus far. i know all this seems morbid and depressing, and i'm not trying to fan the flames of hysteria, i swear! i actually find the math comforting. imagine we are standing in a row of 36 randomly selected people, and god or the universe tells us one of us will be chosen to leave the earth?

Monday, 23 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 6

March 23. Truth is indeed as strange as fiction. It's ironic how taken the USA was by the zombie apocalypse movies in recent years. Watch out! They look like us, they walk among us; if they touch you, life as you know it is over and you become a zombie, too. Some better known celebrities and figures have been testing positive without realizing they were exposed, including a US Senator from Kentucky, several sports stars, a renowned opera singer, and the doctor of the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, who recently administered her a pneumonia vaccine. Germany has now banned socializing in groups of more than 2 people. The next mandate will have you bumping up against yourself and your reflection in the mirror. You will only have your multiple personalities to embrace. None of this is funny but we need a sense of humor. Someone who's infected need only breathe on you, cough or sneeze toward you, and you've caught it. And you may not know for days. Yesterday I hit the local Raley's and got 100 caps of tylenol, nasal spray, more canned soups, chili, and multivitamins. In 5 days I have been unable to locate eggs, tp, or a damn thermometer to check myself in the event of a fever. I went online and Amazon appears to have a backlog of orders for thermometers. Last night I had some crazy dreams which reflected my greatest underlying subconscious fears like the world falling into complete disarray. I am about to put my face on and go to work. We shall see if my company has developed a solid telehealth plan over the weekend. I'm more than happy to stay busy and I can basically isolate myself in my office unless there's an urgent walk-in. I feel I have come somewhat to terms that 40% or more of the population will be infected. The 1918-19 pandemic came in waves and killed off 50 or more million people. They say it sourced in Alaska among an Inuit tribe, and was easily spread through the military ranks in the first World War. Clearly people were not as interconnected 100 years ago as they are today, and the 'wave' concept spells doomsday for the global economy. The Great Depression may not have been caused by the pandemic, but it sure timed perfectly, coinciding with a stock market crash and the industrial agricultural movement which was to blame for the Dust Bowl in the west. We are guaranteed a recession, they say, and if there's a second wave of COVID-19 in the late summer or fall, we may see a second Great Depression. I have a few things keeping me steady in a time of greatest uncertainty. My family. My work. My cats Bunny and Mouse. Running out on the river. Cooking. Reading. And working on my #WIP : Trouble'99.

Sunday, 22 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 5

March 22, 2020. USA has jumped up in infection cases to become the 3rd highest behind China and Italy. Northern Italy is having a hell of a time. NYC looks to be in trouble going forward. China has been successful in containment, which I have learned relates to the infrastructure they have in place to contain people. So there are some hidden benefits of a Communist system! Today I will be going to the store in search for some of the items that I looked for last week and could not find. Mind you, I could have searched harder and probably found them but given that we are not supposed to move around a whole lot, I did not. A thermometer, tylenol (fever reducer), pasta, nasal spray, garlic, frozen vegetables, vitamins. I have been watching youtube videos of covid-19 survivors. It appears the virus can come on quickly with fever and cough, tightness in the chest, body aches, headache, and within 24 hours of onset of symptoms one may need to go the ER due to cardiovascular issues (racing heart and/or difficulty breathing). Call first if possible to alert them you are symptomatic! This will limit the potential to spread the virus unintentionally. We have to be unselfish no matter how panicked we may feel! Once quarantined, this 48 year old woman in Ohio testified (a year older than me), they gave her antibiotics and tylenol for 3 days than was good to go home and self-quarantine. She had no underlying health conditions. A younger woman reported how she got sick after going to a weekend party last weekend, and she was able to recover at home. She did not experience any cardiovascular sxs. Only through Facebook did she discover that several of her friends who were at the party got sick, too, and had tested positive for covid-19. So you can see how we can be conduits of the virus without ever realizing that we had it! For some it can come and go like any seemingly innocuous experience of cold and flu season. I want to continue to urge everyone to consider 'facts over fear' and stay calm. The only point of terror that resides in me, is the idea of having to go for medical help at some point in the future, and requiring a respirator and treatment for pneumonia, and not able to get one due to lack of supplies. I am excited to learn that the Governor of California is putting together a team of brilliant people including Elon Musk (founder of Tesla and SpaceX) to help shift our economy toward producing the equipment we will need in the coming days.