Tuesday, 29 September 2020

EMF

my DNA got to shifting 

crackling beneath the power lines

pupils turned to bolts

of high voltage lightning


#katyamills

Monday, 28 September 2020

autumn like a junky

autumn
once the sweetest season 
now full of fire and smoke
like a junky once was
the sweetest boy 
now full of piss
and vinegar

#katyamills

Sunday, 27 September 2020

2004

a continental grip divides us

our interior lands locked ona hollow

green and red morning

sun struck


#katyamills

Saturday, 26 September 2020

by.line

 i have seen sunrises i lived by the llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll light


#katyamills

Friday, 25 September 2020

temperate

brotherhood of backflip off

diving board half toed

wild. temperate like

pool nerves


#katyamills

Thursday, 24 September 2020

i saw i was

i saw i was no help to you today i

could not see you. i saw i was wishing i

could explain i was the urge to break 

a law i saw who you came for i was

the key. i was the let down in your eyes 

first day of fall.


#katyamills


Wednesday, 23 September 2020

america

punishing

endearing

hopelessly

majestic

america

replete with 

contradictions

i love

you


#katyamills

Tuesday, 22 September 2020

fall.20

 fall came like

an anthem

we rose we

dropped on 

one knee

from a distance

the prayer

subsequently

the sea


#katyamills

Monday, 21 September 2020

os.mosis

they had seeds for eyeballs the

oval packed about with soil

melancholy was their vital

irrigation the tears

in reverse 


#katyamills


Sunday, 20 September 2020

luck.y

i'm a lucky one found

work that makes me think

and feel. congruent with my 

mission on this fucked up 

planet earth


#katyamills

Saturday, 19 September 2020

twitter handle

Katya444ever 🏳️‍🌈


latchkey kid and #indieauthor. nonbinary (she/they). genX. as the sun rises i morph into a #psychotherapist. i hold out hope for anyone and u



latest book review

 

by 
17537233
's review

liked it
bookshelves: giveawaysmy-kindle-list

I really liked the story and the message of this novella. I don’t think I’ve read a stream of consciousness styled book in a long time and parts were hard for me to get into.

It surrounds four 20-somethings in the Chicago area in 1999. The point of view is through the eyes of Kat and her experiences.

Overall I liked it, but probably not loved it. I would read more from this author, especially if there was a sequel to find out what happened in Kat’s life after 1999. :)

I won this book from a Goodreads giveaway, but these are my true opinions. Thank you for the chance at reading this book.

Thursday, 17 September 2020

ponopticon

she took a train and they could see her
tear two sugars for her coffee
while the china rattled 

she contemplated her navel 
should i tell them what's
on my mind? she 

thought she thought
she thought

#katyamills

Wednesday, 16 September 2020

lip.stick

the shade of lipstick

made from poison 

berry matches your eyes

fierce yet optimistic


#katyamills

Tuesday, 15 September 2020

thought.stop

thought.stop

my thoughts racing
kept me up at night
chasing. voices whispering i
tried to be polite but they
would not heed i
shouted tore at my hair
until my head bleed. finally
i got busy with chores and like
a plant without water they
could not live no
more


 

dead.name

i buried you under a thousand pounds

social anxiety mixed with

tears medication fears and 

dysphoria. what a mercy

killing


#katyamills

Sunday, 13 September 2020

death by tablet

robotic dogs and drones

cardboard cutouts at baseball games

peanuts and popcorn by microwave

virtual tours and perpetual world

wars. super storms and lightning

complex. next is death by tablet. 

oh! what a time to fall

in love 


#katyamills


cha.os

the calm comes 

from within


#katyamills


Friday, 11 September 2020

pre.vail

may the spirit prevail through 

heat smoke and virus 

fire and political storm in twenty

twenty. i push and make demands

of this lethargic clumsy body 

just the same 


#katyamills

harvey: god of the sea

we took some shots you 

caught me in transition on 

a silver disc. years later we 

met for dinner. i was lost

a cat back up hurt and poor 

you gave a royal fanfare i 

found out you're gone by 

internet. i will never forget you

my god of the sea and

to the sea you return


#katyamills

Wednesday, 9 September 2020

cavity.8



i got 8 cavities i

filled one with coffee

two with hopeful thoughts. one

with words the participles

dangling off a crown.

i got 8 cavities

the one closest to the root i

filled with feeling

stacked another high

with books to the ceiling

i got 8 cavities i

hold out on any dentist

keep my goldfish ina shallow

pool of flouridated

water

the very last?

for to keep

the ones who have no

home



#katyamills


a.way

they killed me with kindness they

sure got a way with 

murder


#katyamills

 


Monday, 7 September 2020

bloody gums

 

she flossed her teeth six times 

the day before the dentist

to save herself a guilt trip

you can wake up feeling fat ugly stupid

and be wrong


#katyamills

Sunday, 6 September 2020

pyro.cumulo.nimbus

o heavy cloud made of timber 

nuclear bloom over our 


reckless

global

nebulous 

careless affairs


breaking the 

sky 


the fire 

in my belly 

will not be subsumed

 

i offer these 

ashes


#katyamills


Saturday, 5 September 2020

back.track

the AQI was awfully high 

banana slugs had a cough i 

called my best in conditioned air

to volunteer the feeling then dug out

a break controlled a burn. we 

lend voices to the bodies in

the pitch


#katyamills

Friday, 4 September 2020

bluelight 4

our expressions masked. our eyes

reflections of blue light. our friendships 

our lessons our lives within zoom


#katyamills

trans.anima.tronics

barely visible behind

spring locks they 

could not imagine 

any future 

so they sought refuge 

in the past. years  

in their head

until they found the key

to unlocking

a life


#katyamills

Wednesday, 2 September 2020

19.85

rising in elevation 

through pine forest

deep into fall and a brushing

of snow

few words between us we 

cut up some wood

built a fire 

the shadows jumping

the walls give the room life 

tell me a story i 

don't care if it's true we

make it all up 

as we go


#katyamills



Tuesday, 1 September 2020

x differential

though miles and miles away we 

wrote the same  sentences typed the same

words struck the same tone hit the same

key 


what set us apart

was my letter x

to your letter

z


#katyamills

Monday, 31 August 2020

super.u



what i would give

these memories to

reclaim how our

hearts beat the

same


#katyamills

Sunday, 30 August 2020

loss.300

she was latin she was loud 

a mom and proud. they lost 

touch they cannot find her

probably got a new name

a grandchild. they rest

head on knees. the ones they 

loved they left behind and 

now they gone


#katyamills

Saturday, 29 August 2020

mission #200

you left a pack of cigs in my car i 
don't know who you are i
left them on the bench on 
the east front of west sacramento walmart 
O two hundred hours
for you

#katyamills

Friday, 28 August 2020

photo.b

cotton blue curtain coins fall out our pockets ona black plastic seat jammed like flowers picked and slotted for our life together shot with two smiles beaming a trace of sadness behind profile kiss for the camera suddenly feels drunk

#katyamills

Thursday, 27 August 2020

derailer

 every morning i turn her

wheels up tear a rag off

an old shirt and polish

my fuji. tighten every spoke 

turn the pedals run

the chain across a toothbrush

shine the reflectors. pray

to god today may i not be 

derailed


 #katyamills

Wednesday, 26 August 2020

tricks

 we played whist 

in the hospital waiting room

to take our mind 

off it


i gave all my 

tricks away

to see you

again


#katyamills

Tuesday, 25 August 2020

mouth. 25

 how can i get close 

to this mouth full of politics how

can i love this head 

full of venom isn't it sad 

this oscillation of reality 

a threat to human kindness


shouldn't you be against

the law?


#katyamills

Monday, 24 August 2020

Sunday, 23 August 2020

happy.23

a ghost in my apartment

knocked a pill out of my hand

which fell under the cabinet below the

sink. when i got down to fish it out

they grabbed my arm and happy

twisted


#katyamills  

Saturday, 22 August 2020

22.unknown

you cannot know them 

sealed inside an envelope they

will cut you like paper they

are shredded beyond repair


you wish you could reach them you

wish to have them for tea


locked inside a trauma they

will cut you by accident they

are secretive. precise with words

senseless must they be

alone


#katyamills

u should c

 all the darkness 

when the light 

breaks


#katyamills

collector of spirits

she so direct she 

unabashed she so direct

no foreplay. you

overexposed and she 

over you and your

bullshit. touch your soles 

2 the floor get real. she will 

collect your spirits

and stretch them if 

you dare 2 let her 

in


#katyamills

Friday, 21 August 2020

a.venue

fires surround this city 

at the cross of two rivers


in this belly

lives a fire

too


crossing of 

artery and vein


#katyamills

Thursday, 20 August 2020

defend us

the lashes defended our eyes

from snowy ashes

in 72 hours across california

over 10,000 lightning strikes

over 300 fires

we dropped orange 

dystopian tracks they 

could not defend

us from tears


#katyamills




Wednesday, 19 August 2020

heart repairs

my friends they 

all died of broken

hearts 


or traded them in

for junk


i took mine to 

the shop for 

repairs


not what it was

when i first fell

in love but it

runs


#katyamills


Sunday, 16 August 2020

loyal.26

the horn section bursting

set up a break against the

fire 


the reeds supple 

like fingers 


even the concrete got

to feeling. our feet 

left gooey indents in

the road


a new kinda hollywood 

where everyone's

a star


#katyamills

Saturday, 15 August 2020

111F

 one eleven scorching hot one

ten wasn't enough one 

eleven the power grid got crushed

the block goes dark

all the people complain 

luddite for a night so

what. wired so long

you can't remember your

name


#katyamills

Friday, 14 August 2020

fuck all.14

i wanted change so bad

an end to the dying

an end to the killings

and denial


a magical awakening for those 

who are thoughtless. deluded. without

feeling


i once was the same

fuck all anyone could have done

to move me


#katyamills

11 hearts

today we gave 11 

hearts away

to the fighters

and

a fake smile for the 

disbeliever


#katyamills

sèche



oh forest sèche silent listening silent waiting
skyscraper pines in a circle ina line
give us your dead to keep us
under the axe waiting for rains
this coyote night

#katyamills

Thursday, 13 August 2020

mem.ory

the bottom of a well i 

kept drinking. archival footage 

slowly sinking flash drive 

memory 


many moods 

 like sound 

i'm thinking 


take the drive for a

ride to the river. bait it ona hook

cast it out to the mouth

of a bass 


#katyamills

Wednesday, 12 August 2020

hunting dog

walked out a ways i 

discovered a lonesome hunter

lapping water ina clearing in

the forest


warm ashes still left

from the campfire


long floppy ears you 

spoke to me out of hurt pushed

your paws forward down

into the earth


i awoke to your cry

who left you and

why?


#katyamills

Tuesday, 11 August 2020

plumas.5am

among the pines

high above a clearing

ex the cell phone

ex the net. ex

communications


we turn the tin pan

blue on a burner

blue the water 

boil we


to the birdsongs

listen


french press and dress 

the dawn. just like those

who came before


#katyamills

wanna.b

headlights deep 

searching the forest

no more streetlights wind 

like a chorus


far away from

all this chaos is where i

wanna be


#katyamills

beat.18

 found the belly 

of a lonely world i

found the heart inside

the belly of a cold

old world i

found the blood hot

rushing. all the girls were

gushing i 

found the beat it

was my 

own


#katyamills



stay.k

heavy

done with it all


lean back. fall

change the station


every 1 deserve

a stay.k.tion


#katyamills

Tuesday, 4 August 2020

mauritius

fate rolled up on paradise. petroleum 
residuals sliding through tropical 
depressions on the backs of shellfish 
and marine life coming up for air

cracked hull and skulls
a wisp of watery smoke
in its wake


#katyamills


Monday, 3 August 2020

floret

know me
know me not. for i am
but a single floret you
cannot see when aerial
looking down on me
in this parade of
roses. love me love
me not


#katyamills

queen

displays a fan of royal
flush. all the subjects
predicate



#katyamills

space.x.home

passage through incendiary heat
they screamed into atmosphere
deployed parachutes and swung into
a cool sea. no longer reflecting stars
they became one


#katyamills

street smarts before streets

i swept the floors then 
sat down to read
checked my phone 
got a glass of water 
did the dishes

body against land
land against water
the slightest change in pace
direction or 
composition

they were out there
always

looking for the weak one
side-eyed
running desperate 
within a herd

survival depended on
having street
smarts before
and after
streets


#katyamills

Friday, 31 July 2020

60.sec

stalled out broke
down the middle
of the road you
got the worst
and best of humanity all
in under sixty
seconds

#katyamills

what with

what with water what
with sun you arose
from nothing


Wednesday, 29 July 2020

conception.28

she holds the secrets
from before the land
broke up and oceans
conceived

#katyamills

i.candy

colors flood
the story in your heart
locating a world
focused on eye
candy

#katyamills

mission.29

days and nights
the stress i gotta suppress
my feelings sometimes
before they run me
away from
you

nights and days you
give me a hard
time i don't
know exactly what
to say

not unusual like
any day i think i'll get up go

back to the
mission

#katyamills


Sunday, 26 July 2020

night.10

you found me half dead
in the heat you 
rolled past like a mirage gave 
me your wheels and ran 
alongside me while the mercury
rose

the river edges
wavering undefined with 
wakes from props

i was gonna pass out i
dropped down the subsequent
banks 

in sand steps deep we
dove into the life


#katyamills

Saturday, 25 July 2020

run.away

no place for a kid the
streets
she's been hurt before
you come on so
strong. without her phone she's
isolated.  you care so much you
control her won't
give her space when she
asks. you're the only one
she's got. listen. it's a pressure
through the wind pipes too 
much she gonna run
away 

#katyamills

o.ver

imagine the day we
may flood the streets we may

see ourselves
smiling and may
we embrace because it's
over

#katyamills

Thursday, 23 July 2020

patches

the government sent the
not so secret police

even the iron on patches
would not iron 
on. you broke out
super glue

the same you used
to affix the stick to
your flag

your rough
locks in fighting
formation

got your attitude
always

painted another layer
of enamel on your
claws

texted your friends
to meet under the
oak tree

don't forget
knit hats the
masks the baking
soda


#katyamills

Wednesday, 22 July 2020

4.ever

i came up
4 air you pulled
on my hair we
fought 4
swore 4
hours

my forever 4 
ever underneath
the outbursts we
loved


#katyamills

come x

come by tunnels i
surf the channels
to find you

come by rainbows i
arc out over the city
just to see you i

come by wheels
waves
encrypted ring
tones

i come by sign
language

just 2 be by
your side


#katyamills

m path

i took the m-path
out of the city
today

abandoned buildings
electric lights
and rain

i took the blue
line just to see you
okay

#katyamills

para.dice

a fine set of books
coffee that cooks
songs with good
hooks

we must be
in para
dice


#katyamills


Monday, 20 July 2020

face of the sky


laughin in the face of the sky

cryin all the tears from a cloud

prayers hit the earth

loud when heads are humble

and properly bowed





#katyamills

Friday, 17 July 2020

excerpt

They were in Florida at the time. Ocean, orange juice stands, rednecks, salt and sugar, lizards. She was coming down for a visit one week. The summer of ‘98 found them smoking and drinking, watchin the surf pounding away at the beach, lulling them to sleep until the sun rose and woke their asses up. Pop some X and go for a swim. Lay out the multicolored towels. Feelin the sun layin in the light. He was pushing into keys on the typewriter nights while she kicked back on the couch reading magz. They worked their fingers across the board so the letter arms wouldn’t rust, living off the pay and bonus from the last job. Rumbling around the intercoastal on the bike to take the steam off a hot humid day after the noon rains.     

- Katya Mills. Excerpt from my new project, tentatively titled They The Firmament.

Thursday, 16 July 2020

soft.into.the.life

the bricks let
the elements
soak into the
skin

i hit them
hard

dropped a fin
on the bar for a gin
watching you go
soft into the
light


i can't help it
im obsessed by
the song

please
can we play it
again?

rewind all our fast
trax play it super
slow together
relax

we got no choice we
gotta move on
im sorry but ill be
ok

watchin you go
soft into the
night

gotta find
my voice soft
into the night
soft into the
light its hard
on us

this life


#katyamills


ghost of green eyes

ona street a cat
confronts me the ghost
of green
eyes

came up crying
talking to me
like you felt
my pain

you did

know how to hiss
forgot how to
purr

i got some crumbs
for you and some
time. get down
low

crying

ghost of green
eyes. here

i remember i
was not allowed
to


#katyamills

clash

made some fire then
we collide

at the diner
count our
cash

clash of
the mexi
omelette
hash


#katyamills

Monday, 13 July 2020

rotary phone

like some sweet casino game
they drilled holes in a disk
attached to your face
buxom and heavy
enough i could defend my life
by you. crack some bastard
in the skull. curled
umbilical cord wrapped around
the body. receiver gripped cold
dial zero for an operator
will talk you down
until help arrives

#katyamills

Sunday, 12 July 2020

12

they was loving life they was up
at dawn and ya they got knocked down they
got up quick they came back fighting
and
after they been through it they
sat back drank a
cool glass of water up
at dawn and


such was life

#katyamills

Saturday, 11 July 2020

11

you let me cross you let me 
dress i let you 
down  


#katyamills

Friday, 10 July 2020

tiktoktiktok

tiktok the time goes by time
goes by stars gaze into our eyes
never stop never drop keep
pushin along. tiktok cannot
kill this song keep
shinin

#katyamills

Thursday, 9 July 2020

emo.tion.al

i want to be a watercolor so i can wash away. i used to want to be a sharpie. now i was a stillness they could focus on. a moving stillness absorbing heat and sun and sky and sound. the city only a few miles away but i kept it real in my heart. i was easily aggravated. i got on wheels and rolled the fuck away. i had to leave it all behind regularly for freedom. these words they beat you up at night. you wonder how the mouths had the nerve to let them through the teeth. i forgive easy, ok, gimme time. happiness was once so easy to find. like an astronaut chicken in walmart. butter. tomato onion. pepper. garlic. now i was full of anxiety and depression. i could not seem to unrelate myself to them. i turned to fast food in the pandemic. i couldn’t change the channel. i had to learn to show an interest in the life around me. i took extra time lining my eyes with chocolate maybelline. i took great care with my lashes to make em look like japanese wood carvings of waves. i want to be a watercolor. so i can wash away.

Wednesday, 8 July 2020

F-stop

i click my visions off
rest my elbow on your
thigh to F-stop and find
some damn balance


#katyamills

Tuesday, 7 July 2020

seven ways of saying

keep showing
up don't let these thoughts
overpower you. stressed
detained i see you locked
inside a flame beside
the river

talk to me show me how
you feel. we are water when
we let go

#katyamills






be like my cat be

july i was high up
front like the head
lines what with changes
following each note of this
damn sonata they rise they
fall see. my emo
in my face be like my
cat by my
side  - OH
by my side
be

#katyamills

sad wrap son

sad rapper at the sad
wrap. spittin lyrics at the
ice cold mirror. once visionary
critically acclaimed high
life reduced to crap sad
rapper why life so sad that's a
wrap son


#katyamills


Monday, 6 July 2020

4

i am walking home before midnight
the city crackles with explosives the
heaviest ones shake the ground and
resound against the pop pop pop the
whistling with definite small caliber
gunfire shot off by the rebels
among us. the powder and sulfur
permeates the heat my old traumas
are resurfacing the anxiety is only adrenaline
lit like a fuse. you cannot cancel the fourth
of july.  the wonderment in kids faces beneath the bloom
a full moon. ascending receding
block after block. the river the
only stillness tonight. its reflection
captures my imagination

#katyamills

Sunday, 5 July 2020

bye

culture got canceled our tickets
would not be redeemed
all the statues were harbored
and hawked off to Russia
i guess was not all what
it seemed

#katyamills

Thursday, 2 July 2020

pepper tea

the subtle thing got a little louder the
magnanimous one dropped back some. when they met
for pepper tea the not so subtle truth told the big
thing you sure made me feel important
you did. thank you. they stirred sugar
evenly. room enough
for two

#katyamills

Wednesday, 1 July 2020

81 corona

eighty one
got a bigger screen tv got a hammer
a case of beer and a fever of a hundred and two
eighty one gonna sweat it out in a shape fitting armchair
eighty one. a child of the second world war
running a fever reads
a hundred three
ain't no damn virus gonna stop me


#katyamills

Monday, 29 June 2020

am.pm dawn in america

nothing forced we
plot course let it take us
dawn in america. we were wrong we got right
my apartment an organic
living mess like the desk of a social worker on wednesday i
tried to take flight off the screen off the paper
now i'm grounded. stay still. chill
the time we got to spendin
you were the one. i couldn't care what they saw
the faded flags fly eyes
desert dry i could cry coffee
for all the sleep we lost
the sunrise. the 8th wonder
of the world

#katyamills

life before cars



i remember you years back. funny and loud
silence didn’t stand a chance

they expanded the freeway

now i cannot hear the birds
like they planned it

ten lanes now
the whole family out

bowling. an icy can of orange and two

tone shoes. big shiny ball ona slow roll

i got you in my head again. when you left

it was life before cars



#katyamills

Sunday, 28 June 2020

thank these gods

these notifications surround us from
all sides chirping like new species of bird
fuk these ads between songs they
killin us. okay i
thank these gods for you sweet
heart keep your dreams alive on
sunday. covid 19 proliferates culture
gets canceled ok good or bad
we are young. a little hot
sometimes thats all

#katyamills

these dreams

feeling lost they
danced back into one
of a thousand worlds they
called home

lightning struck
through a dark web
portal

they drank champagne
with a twist on a staple of twitter
retweetables

now was time
to search themselves then
produce these
dreams


#katyamills

Friday, 26 June 2020

snapshot 25

the sky is asking the
water running i
discard my early morning jeans
step into the
peach skin of apartments
the weave of baskets the
morning sun the
life of the

day


#katyamills

Thursday, 25 June 2020

june 25

capture my imagination
provoke it. feed it beans and
rice and release it into
what's left of
the wild


#katyamills

Wednesday, 24 June 2020

book giveaway



 
 


    Goodreads Book Giveaway
 

   

        Trouble '99 by Katya Mills
   

   

     


          Trouble '99
     
     


          by Katya Mills
     

     

         
            Giveaway ends June 28, 2020.
         
         
            See the giveaway details
            at Goodreads.
         
     
   
   



    Enter Giveaway



Tuesday, 23 June 2020

im.print

shooting the mouth off
another infraction rolled
up tight end over
end i gotta stop
anywhere
to think

sometimes by light or water
beneath the wind whipped
trees the city speeds the violent
dust up of paper flying about 

there
by the koi pond in some
anaerobic muck the
beta swallows the
alpha. all is well
again


#katyamills

Monday, 22 June 2020

white

i saw the law i
went outside. they searched me
they searched my car they
fined me cuffed me
locked me behind bars they
assaulted me made me feel stupid
ashamed hopeless and lost
consider me lucky they
never took my life

#katyamills

Sunday, 21 June 2020

1985

a skinhead ina truck ahead of me flying
beyond the limits drifted left hit the median
at thirty degrees bounced off
fender crumpled

brakes burning i thought it was over
for all of us. dirt from the shoulder rising
to meet the windshields
giving us flak

then
like nothin happened
we picked up speed and drove on
heartbeat tapering down

the trajectory of my life is not dissimilar
almost totaled

like nothing happened i go on
body demands coffee day and night
approaching fifty like i'm
twenty-five. takin flak. sense of purpose
no different than it was
back in ‘85 

#katyamills

june 21

slept for ten hours and would have
more but for hydraulics screaming
under weight of recycling beyond
the back door. dissociated after my sugar crash i
zoned out on credit karma
to witness the inevitable separation
of self from hard-earned
cash

#katyamills

Friday, 19 June 2020

snapshot 26

life is always 
changing hard to
define

temperature climbing
freestyle rhyming
cultures dubbed like sound
no longer willing
to be reduced
to a wheeze

statues standing in
stone motion cold
freeze

getting up i get
down to strike keys
dissing the
eeze

Thursday, 18 June 2020

2012

leading a protest against
emptiness i was
in need of SSRIs
held up by hairspray 
insides like jello
lookin sorry
played out
feelin neglected
relationships faded i
could not synch the
clocks i was checking
all the locks

i found my
own way out by god
that's life 


#katyamills
remix 2012

un.locked

we were group thinking
rising in numbers 
exponential on the
streets

then i saw you

detached. by the stairs. head
down shoe laces free
style blowing out
in some other
world

you lifted your eyes you
searched you extracted my heart
by a keyword

i would give up my cause
for you. unlock me
from the masses! the
pain is almost
gone


#katyamills

Tuesday, 16 June 2020

knock down drag

you were workin several shifts
holding it down. i was lifted hopin
this could hold up. you were
switchin gears then i tried
you and we had a knock down
drag out. the dogs left howling
in the yard. a playful sun hid
behind a cloud. then set the
sky on fire. i. you.
we all come down

#katyamills

Monday, 15 June 2020

emo.z

yesterday i got lost
on gen z emo
rap and cried about the lean
the purple the blue
they turned
before their time
came due

thank god
the music lives
on

Sunday, 14 June 2020

twenty.twenty

life is sharp and ready
to cut

cat on my chest
flexes
pushing retracting
claws

life is soft and
dreamy ona
sunday morning

the newsprint wants
to murder
you

still
so much to do
not enough time

the screens blinding

i would be lying if
i said i was
fine


#katyamills

Saturday, 13 June 2020

dream sequence

i am walking a bridge made of guitar
strings made of guts. over a gorge.
back in my hotel room there are lamps
in the bathtub. the place is ransacked and
i think it was me. sleep
i need sleep. no blankets no sheets just a
mattress on the ground. blood rushes
from a slit down my forearm. i am weak
no words to speak no tears upon my
cheek. nobody around. i pick up the old
phone wrap the cord around my arm
restless to remember your number. i call you.
the tone of each ring holds a promise.


#katyamills

Friday, 12 June 2020

honestly i

so i lost it
what can i say
knuckles bleeding
today

they ran up on me
the thoughts rushing
my mind i had to ice a mf
hit me from
behind

picked some flowers
for my momma on
my way home
depleted of color
looking for a sign
fixed on my cell
i cannot see
whats happening
to me

blue bells for
momma a monster
in my heart

don't wanna wash
this blood away

honestly
i lost it what
can i say


#katyamills

Thursday, 11 June 2020

what was

the future arrived
yesterday
maybe a loved one
 or two
you and me because
we knew
what was


#katyamills

Wednesday, 10 June 2020

june 10

i see you on video you look so good
all airbrushed like that lemme give you
a virtual hug or a heart. will i see you
in real life and when? i filtered the audio so your
voice is crystal clear. calling from a stitch
in a switch. damn. the game
finally swallowed us.

#katyamills

Tuesday, 9 June 2020

wheels

sparrows dip
wings and turn about
the gold fields

tent city at north
gate and sixteenth god
am i lucky

ridin wheels
over the american
river

exchangin words
at the fountain
gettin wet

thank you

spinnin hot
spokes shinin
in the sunlight

close to my
heart



Monday, 8 June 2020

Sunday, 7 June 2020

world without words

you will never add up
admonished the numbers

the letters formed into soft
words oh. ok. sorry and if you
say so

you must be calculating
to help us. precise.
do we have to spell
it out?

the letters went silent. they drafted
a non compete clause but the
numbers they just multiplied out
toward infinity

the letters they felt
useless. abandoned

then a question arose
how will we communicate
without us?

the numbers stopped
at a loss for
words

Saturday, 6 June 2020

#hk

hong kong. never too far
from my thoughts

all the action in my country
where i am caught. and you
my sister. so far, far away i write this letter
if only to say

we love you
we will not let them bring you down
may we laugh and hold hands may we
fight this together

always be free in our
hearts

Friday, 5 June 2020

out.let

the water comes to a boil
i measure out some grains
juan valdez to wake me up
coffee black on a full moon


friday. everyone lookin 4 an outlet
i got mine behind these
keys



#katyamills

Thursday, 4 June 2020

june 3

june. thunderstorms broken sleep
boarded up businesses and the national
guard scattered like buckshot all across town
the mindless dumb they thumbing their nose
pulling on straps full face smiling don't
care. under the window some
junky gone pale fishin for a vein
eyes fall back sunk in that old melody
shook up waiting for
the beat


#katyamills

cold city

sun touches the earth
the line becomes more
and more defined

a firmness in your belly
metallic taste on your tongue

little moons
running wide orbits 
circling you

the sun cool the ice
burning hot

the kids
sweeping up
after you

not everyone's gonna be
what the world wants
you to be

wiping the palms
off the glass you
wait for night
to forget


#katyamills

Tuesday, 2 June 2020

livestream



we livestream through the
heat waves never touching we
walk the blocks like bandits

wearing masks wondering
what happened to the world we
once knew



#katyamills

Monday, 1 June 2020

hope ina hopeless time

back to the liquor store

for another scratcher you
poured a cup of coffee at the gas
station walked out
of town on the train
tracks you recited in your head
the smile the cashier gave you
the balanced smile


all the hope you
ever had ina hopeless
time



#katyamills

Sunday, 31 May 2020

back yourself up

we danced to the old songs dated
back when life seemed less

complicated less strung out

on media talking to us from our pockets our screens keeping tabs all
night and day long we danced freely like we had some kind of voice some kind of choice in this automated cyber world you really gotta know deep down who you are

download yourself or get
tagged archived judged and encrypted
back yourself up

(less than) lethal

the people come together
pelted by rubber bullets burned
by tear gas. fuck the pandemic! they
will not be detained

the force is lethal
calls itself less than
less than lethal but make no mistake
whatever label they slap on
the force is lethal
it can kill you make
no mistake it can and
will

and

litigation can take
the spine out of any
charge

un.feeling

if you had a heart you cried if
you had a heart you shouted out
against the unspeakable 
horror if you

if you had a heart it broke and maybe 
you could not control yourself 
for a while

grieving these systemic patterns 
you could not bear to remain

orderly
calm
respectable
peaceful

out on the streets
where a drop became many
a stream became a river 
an ocean of

feeling
against the unfeeling

dredging up a particle of hope
there to see where
we were not
alone 

Friday, 29 May 2020

minnea.polis

they wield extreme power they can kill you in public
and will. and did. again. George Floyd. we expressed outrage
six feet away from the sidewalk to the ends of the earth. we
who have hearts alive and beating
theft and what did you expect? fires. broken glass. mayhem and what
america? what did you expect? you hunt and trap our friends our comrades
helpless. caged. handcuffed on the ground all the breath forced out of them. another life
stolen another family loss. a community. a nation of communities.
america you will wake up from your imperial dream you will. the
institutionalized isms will be eradicated. we won't let you sleep our country
means to much to us. leaders arise to deliver
social justice. free shipping. cops accused of murder. found
guilty. based on facts. convicted. sentenced to life
or death


Thursday, 28 May 2020

airwaves

when you feel unwanted
like static
to airwaves

remember

sometimes
only you
can see see how
essential you
are

stay true to
you

constant
trustworthy
anchored between
stations

even static has its righteous
place in this
world

Wednesday, 27 May 2020

what the hell

i didn't know
what the hell i 
was doing
i lacked insight
i lacked judgment
but i did what i did
and i did
what i could
and survived and
now i know
what the
hell

Tuesday, 26 May 2020

keep dreaming

when you finally let
the old dream go
you can get down
to really living

they say

but who?
who can live?
who can live without
dreams


Monday, 25 May 2020

love over coffee


the essence steeped
clouding my energy then
overcome
i put down my pen
leather bound journal open
faced in the café i
closed my eyes and thought 
of you
our energies once
commingled here
the pressure of heat on water the
steam submerged in milk
endlessly colored by
coffee how we met eyes
ina non-committal
slightly disinterested
way
i felt you
looking over me i could taste
you tasting me
steeped in me
the essence at first clouded
my energy
then 
then i was
i was
overcome

Sunday, 24 May 2020

book giveaway!


Enter this contest to read my latest novella for free if you like fiction!
Please vote for my book if you like it in the UKSTORYTELLER2020 contest on Kindle!


Posted on May 24, 2020 by KatYa

Goodreads Book Giveaway
TROUBLE’99
by Katya Mills

Giveaway ends May 31, 2020.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads. Enter Giveaway

Rate this:

Saturday, 23 May 2020

1983

we were kids
not even ten
when we found
our hideout ina
faded olive
winter-warped
waterlogged
hornet-infested
window cracked
trespass
warning
shack

middle of the pet
cemetery

i had to stop
reading books
late into the night
if i hoped to get up
early enough
to meet you all
there

but i could
not


Friday, 22 May 2020

polaroid u

you
are the life you are the 
hard seasons the
recipe dating generations
back

careless restless and reckless
the soft viable understanding
at the end of a great confusion
soon escapes you

owls in the night upset 
your blood pressure you
throw parties you create
and destroy

you drink endless glasses
of milk and bourbon you
call and no one answers
you

raise high your fists you
splash around dark thoughts 
and then

and then one day
you give a damn you
really do you seek forgiveness
and the strength of
conviction

you change but all they see
is a snapshot a
polaroid

you upset the blood
pressure you reek of hard seasons
recipes dating back to a great
confusion

all that is left of you
is your change

open your fists and let
your hands meet. look
up to the sky. may the soft
and viable understanding
save you



#katyamills

Thursday, 21 May 2020

rock ridge

one kind word
and the new world
opened up 

the obscenity
the hatred
the judgment 
the old concrete
broke apart

one kind word ina city
of water of engine of
fire of steam made 
passage 

to the heart

ina whisper
ina vision
ina friend


Wednesday, 20 May 2020

may 20 2020

dawn

the birds
gave my heart
some hope
ina song 
for the 
summer

the best

my brother
it pains me
divides us
the way i see you do not see
the world

i turn up the Smiths
to stop my heart
my heart
from hurting

take my will take
my life

all i
all i know is
my brother
you're the
fucking
best

if i could only love you
for the way you look at life
look over your shoulder
follow your arm
open my eyes
and declare yes!

yes! i see what
you see i love what
you love!

would i lie to you?
my brother

no. but i
can

i can love you
love i can
love

up mood 1

my mood drops like a beat
you answer when i
call and

 we get to our feet
walking the miles
just to meet

my mood 
rises up become a bird in
the sky

can't say exactly how
fuck i sure know
why

20

twenty days in
been dragged down
before and will
again

twenty days in
got your mind made up so
turn up your song

feel it and go
for it

like you never loved life
more

Saturday, 16 May 2020

next book?

i've been considering my next project. my next book. i'm excited to say i unearthed a treasure of archive material on my drive, files some of which i previously had trouble converting, hundreds of pages of autobiographical material dating back to my twenties and early thirties, and all the adventures i had. life was going off the rails but it sure was entertaining. lots of stories and characters i otherwise would have forgotten. i'm excited to either remix it into fiction or semi-fiction. i could publish it as straight autobiography but it's so much fun stirring it up and remixing. this has become my niche period, 1990-2010, and i hope to approach it from a completely different space.

Friday, 15 May 2020

4 am

i discover the earthquake
37 miles out of Tonopah
Nevada by the water
rippling in the pool

200 miles away!

the cats screaming bloody murder
behind this apartment building

put the coffee on
it's friday anything could happen
save the kid surrender yourself
to a riptide

it can be beautiful
devastating

what a commotion
as we roll into
the weekend





Thursday, 14 May 2020

98



like a bullet with a tracer
ink shoots off your 
arm

a bitterness
on the tongue 
at work

like a dance the tears
play up the eyes

level the bottle 
nudge of the wrist
cold heart heats 
up then 
rest

you wake to the sun
where you lay

breath and thoughts
in motion push 
against

 volumes of 
memory


#katyamills
remix

Wednesday, 13 May 2020

may 13

how we missed you
in the heart of the pandemic
we got you second
hand

through rain through snow
upon us

the sunlight
striking

those of us alone
the way we register fear

the wind

how much is lost
without your
touch



Tuesday, 12 May 2020

MAY 12 2020

i grew up in a complicated world
lots of adult parties and American businessmen
lots of stay at home moms in
competition

now
many years later
i make a simple life
a working life
not too many friends
i keep to myself

i could not recreate the world i once lived in
i could not and would not
it was never my world

i love the simple life
the working life
neither destructive nor uninspired
diving into mysteries

Monday, 11 May 2020

prayer



carries to god then
back down to 
earth palms touch
marked by crescent lines
destiny moves in
and out of self
brokering wilderness
in a heavy
 heart

Sunday, 10 May 2020

one.only

falling
        down
     a rocky
hill
over the handlebars of your bike
swimming when the pool
was closed howling when
all the world was quiet
then i saw you then
i knew
you for my
one my
only

Saturday, 9 May 2020

run with the night

you run with the night you
sleep in the sun
an inchworm stretches out
on your thumb you 
sleep through the day and run
with the night 
you live 

you live 
in the
light


#katyamills

Hyde Park Cafe. 1997

all is elevated
this floor over the earth
this table the grain flush
above the floor the arms
of the couch free
falling bodies at half a perpendicular
snaking lethargically like
my thoughts

elevated

eight sided glasses
opening rims up to the sky
fan blades cutting through a plane
brass reliefs flowering
rooted to the ceiling

thursday night
all is elevated

twenty three
high on coffee high on
dreams


#katyamills 
remix

JANUARY 9, 1997

thin as a grain of wheat
rarely uprooted from his chair
black cat at his feet
waiting for the next meal
the next dream

traded freedom to his granddaughter
so he wouldn't have to live in a home

eyes red around the rim
voice deep within the throat
bones coated with dust like the painting
of his long since passed wife
hanging on the wall behind him

six foot three he can still
touch the sky
i used to jitterbug he says
and smiles. heart following memory
up the gulf coast
across the panhandle
all the way back to California

when he's upset
sometimes he swears (the gravel
spitting off his thunder)
GIVE ME THE KEYS! i'll drive there my
damn self i will!
alone? she questions, eyes bulging
ALONE!

and i
i believe him
you better hide those keys
tonight


#katyamills
remix 1997

Friday, 8 May 2020

BOOK RELEASE!


TROUBLE'99TROUBLE'99 by Katya Mills


This 42,000 word book represents a project I started two years ago, digging into my archives for material. The book is set in Chicago where I lived for 10 years of my life, and my intention was to capture the spirit of twentysomethings at the turn of the century. My first published novel, Girl Without Borders, covers the same historical ground, so if you enjoyed GWB you most likely will find Trouble'99 a sort of homecoming yet with different characters. This story follows four friends and comrades, facing hard luck in both love and life in the city. I hope you like it.


View all my reviews

Thursday, 7 May 2020

runaways

we drank hot chocolate from silver-rimmed china
around a polished wooden table

i found your big toe beneath it
punching through the canvas
while eating macaroons

why are you running away?
she asked us

i stood up tall
on my toes

you would too
if your home
was like ours

the leader

my brother has been storing acorns
how will we find food when leaves
curl up in the cold? we will eat them
so to fill up the hollow spaces 
between our ribs. i will get the
last acorn because i am
the leader

Sunday, 3 May 2020

NOVEMBER 22 1997

playing crazy eights listening to music
talking trash fighting getting high
twentysomethings in the late 1900s
spilling drinks spilling consciousness
on the dance floors of YBOR CITY

a blackout drinker in those days i
would lose my credit card and eventually
my wallet my shoes and my keys
my sanity. early hours of the morning
nothing but my clothes and my high on
and a couple phone numbers of friends
in my head.

blonde

you came to my door selling candles
and applespice tea in blonde wooden
boxes. i bought the one with a dragon
holding a sword. the kind you wanna
carve into your arm some day

#katyamills
remix 1998

Friday, 1 May 2020

projection of a long lost high 5

begotten children descend
planted according to trend
dropped like fashion
and spirited away

taken from vision with
binary ocular precision
Made In America!
by decree by
decision

you try to defragment you
hope for some clarity then
comes trouble. another
greenish colored bubble
eating bacteria to survive

projections of a long lost
heartfelt high
five

living off lip service the echelons
make hay. they
promise to play out tomorrows
today

robbed of nutrients you forgot
who you are. exercise occurs between
edifice and car

doing the laundry
you cycle back to humble
removing the factory tag
carry the sadness ina brown
paper bag



#katyamills
remix 2010

Wednesday, 29 April 2020

2010 tangible truismic

sometimes we are the half of life

jaw floored variety of bored like a

post-dose-nod-ona-klono-pin-wheel-spin

 72 rpms back to back to back

well-placed commencement at the very end of some

ego-trip-sleepwalk-to-certain-degree-of-destination

got there with your body and realize back there

somewhere your spine fell out

drinking wine until you pass out flopped around ina 

sorry omega-threesome like a caterpillar hanging out

legs

 

you check your gps for self-locus flower 

stop accepting all substitutes-imposters-splenda-and-cancelled-checks

go long and selfless beyond the ego panic attacks

get the train back on track and loosen all ties. free the suspension 

beyond the words so trite and truismic

here and now we conjure ourselves in flashes again and again 

until we reach some static in the attic

we need not be cardboard we are

solid tangible statuesque ennui


#katyamills
from the archive
remix 2010

Tuesday, 28 April 2020

dressed ina stare

this room. the one window never
saw a sun set never saw a sun
rise

tired yellow light. emotion-driven
words. dawn not yet broken
and who would know

lonely nights in the city
she lay with someone. any shadow
wrapped in sheets

she was meant to be
surrounded by prayers
careful movements
giving hands

and who would know
not this user not this
lover

end of a cigarette
wet. blackened
the other

ceiling dressed ina stare

against his chest
she listened
every man's heart beat different
and none for her



#katyamills
remix 1998

Monday, 27 April 2020

FEBRUARY 11 1998 (1/2)

 I found a typewritten sheet from the Royal I had in Florida, 1998, tucked into my diary. Here's a remix from the first paragraphs I wrote...


She lay with him she
trusted him she knew him no more than
the shadows the moon cast on the wall
dressed and gone by morning

balancing on the edge of the tub
she shaved her legs with a cheap razor
someone left behind

02.11.98
the blood didn't bother her
there would be no sleep
tonight

he lay awkwardly after
hands in his pockets
she played a palm across his chest
carelessly

to be robbed was something
he imagined he
deserved

taste of her in his mouth feather
pillow imbued with her
perfume



#katyamills. remix'98


Sunday, 26 April 2020

PTI and Don Hadlock

Don Hadlock, co-founder of PTI: the Process Therapy Institute in San Jose, passed away in January this year @ 77 years old. I wanted to tribute him as a leader and teacher and mentor and all around wonderful human being. I was blessed to encounter him within a year long Group Process Therapy series while I was enrolled as a Master's level student in Holistic Counseling at JFK University in Campbell, CA. He and his wife Carol founded PTI 40 years ago, he said, after having had a revelation while driving through the Santa Cruz mountains about the difference between content and process. Content (in the context of therapy) is the words a client speaks. Process is what they are doing while they are speaking; essentially, any other ways they may be communicating through their behavior. Maybe they are biting their lip or laughing when they mean to cry. There is a wealth of information which may be overlooked by talk therapy focused on content. By holding space for and calling attention to process, one can guide someone through present-moment interventions, deepen the therapeutic alliance and cultivate both self and ego awareness. Process therapy is also trauma-informed.  The 'pain body' as Tolle refers to it, encompasses how we hold our history of trauma in our body, which naturally extends to how we relate to the world: ourselves, our friends, family, and community. Mr. Hadlock taught us how to help a client interface the pain body from a gentle and invitational spirit. I am indebted to him. I believe my ability as a psychotherapist to create space and facilitate process and group process in my clinical practice, sources from many of his teachings. I think of him often in my work and I miss him.

Saturday, 25 April 2020

metal flower morning

she was a barista. my friend
gettin people high on stiff colombian shots!
she remarked

a cafe bar in a hotel
little round marble
tables. guys (and girls) feigned to read
watching her change money
serve drinks

looking around
thinking everyday thoughts i
waited for her to get off shift

listened to the steam
scream through silver
stems

metal flowers

how could anyone ever
kill themselves? i overheard
a woman say to her husband
behind a newspaper

what with the wonder
of the world i don't know

they can and
they do lady they can
and they do

shuffling cards laughing
looking and being looked upon
exchanging cash and feelings
young Americans

we had it good
we did

metal flowers
screamed across the tissue
smoking would kill us all
if we wanted to
so bad



#katyamills
remix 1998

Friday, 24 April 2020

Tampa, Florida. 1997

narrow dirt roads for legs
two moons for eyes she
was once that kid on a
milk carton

did not want to be found

twelve years later watching x
files smoking weed helps

the pain she
cares for her grandfather
and her son

they're both handfuls

grandfather drinks and smokes
like he's half his age
boy cries and throws tantrums like
he's half his and he's
ten

she loves them without
conditions

i want to be around people
who give me energy
she shouts (competing with the
swamp cooler) not
take it

thick gravel roads for legs
half moons for eyes she
hasn't changed



#katyamills
remix'97

Thursday, 23 April 2020