Wednesday 29 April 2020

2010 tangible truismic

sometimes we are the half of life

jaw floored variety of bored like a


 72 rpms back to back to back

well-placed commencement at the very end of some


got there with your body and realize back there

somewhere your spine fell out

drinking wine until you pass out flopped around ina 

sorry omega-threesome like a caterpillar hanging out



you check your gps for self-locus flower 

stop accepting all substitutes-imposters-splenda-and-cancelled-checks

go long and selfless beyond the ego panic attacks

get the train back on track and loosen all ties. free the suspension 

beyond the words so trite and truismic

here and now we conjure ourselves in flashes again and again 

until we reach some static in the attic

we need not be cardboard we are

solid tangible statuesque ennui

from the archive
remix 2010

Tuesday 28 April 2020

dressed ina stare

this room. the one window never
saw a sun set never saw a sun

tired yellow light. emotion-driven
words. dawn not yet broken
and who would know

lonely nights in the city
she lay with someone. any shadow
wrapped in sheets

she was meant to be
surrounded by prayers
careful movements
giving hands

and who would know
not this user not this

end of a cigarette
wet. blackened
the other

ceiling dressed ina stare

against his chest
she listened
every man's heart beat different
and none for her

remix 1998

Monday 27 April 2020

FEBRUARY 11 1998 (1/2)

 I found a typewritten sheet from the Royal I had in Florida, 1998, tucked into my diary. Here's a remix from the first paragraphs I wrote...

She lay with him she
trusted him she knew him no more than
the shadows the moon cast on the wall
dressed and gone by morning

balancing on the edge of the tub
she shaved her legs with a cheap razor
someone left behind

the blood didn't bother her
there would be no sleep

he lay awkwardly after
hands in his pockets
she played a palm across his chest

to be robbed was something
he imagined he

taste of her in his mouth feather
pillow imbued with her

#katyamills. remix'98

Sunday 26 April 2020

PTI and Don Hadlock

Don Hadlock, co-founder of PTI: the Process Therapy Institute in San Jose, passed away in January this year @ 77 years old. I wanted to tribute him as a leader and teacher and mentor and all around wonderful human being. I was blessed to encounter him within a year long Group Process Therapy series while I was enrolled as a Master's level student in Holistic Counseling at JFK University in Campbell, CA. He and his wife Carol founded PTI 40 years ago, he said, after having had a revelation while driving through the Santa Cruz mountains about the difference between content and process. Content (in the context of therapy) is the words a client speaks. Process is what they are doing while they are speaking; essentially, any other ways they may be communicating through their behavior. Maybe they are biting their lip or laughing when they mean to cry. There is a wealth of information which may be overlooked by talk therapy focused on content. By holding space for and calling attention to process, one can guide someone through present-moment interventions, deepen the therapeutic alliance and cultivate both self and ego awareness. Process therapy is also trauma-informed.  The 'pain body' as Tolle refers to it, encompasses how we hold our history of trauma in our body, which naturally extends to how we relate to the world: ourselves, our friends, family, and community. Mr. Hadlock taught us how to help a client interface the pain body from a gentle and invitational spirit. I am indebted to him. I believe my ability as a psychotherapist to create space and facilitate process and group process in my clinical practice, sources from many of his teachings. I think of him often in my work and I miss him.

Saturday 25 April 2020

metal flower morning

she was a barista. my friend
gettin people high on stiff colombian shots!
she remarked

a cafe bar in a hotel
little round marble
tables. guys (and girls) feigned to read
watching her change money
serve drinks

looking around
thinking everyday thoughts i
waited for her to get off shift

listened to the steam
scream through silver

metal flowers

how could anyone ever
kill themselves? i overheard
a woman say to her husband
behind a newspaper

what with the wonder
of the world i don't know

they can and
they do lady they can
and they do

shuffling cards laughing
looking and being looked upon
exchanging cash and feelings
young Americans

we had it good
we did

metal flowers
screamed across the tissue
smoking would kill us all
if we wanted to
so bad

remix 1998

Friday 24 April 2020

Tampa, Florida. 1997

narrow dirt roads for legs
two moons for eyes she
was once that kid on a
milk carton

did not want to be found

twelve years later watching x
files smoking weed helps

the pain she
cares for her grandfather
and her son

they're both handfuls

grandfather drinks and smokes
like he's half his age
boy cries and throws tantrums like
he's half his and he's

she loves them without

i want to be around people
who give me energy
she shouts (competing with the
swamp cooler) not
take it

thick gravel roads for legs
half moons for eyes she
hasn't changed


Thursday 23 April 2020

Wednesday 22 April 2020

the traveler. 1997

life changed i
free of walk and free
of talk
those i loved
who had loved me
a sunny room
i watch you start in on
your meal
a couch under a modest chandelier
time passes
a soft spot where my voice
had been
ceramic plate
eggs and a spot of ketchup
a silver fork and listen!
do not speak!
contractions expansions the hands
climbing circles round
a face
you cannot
this cannot be
pots and pans brimming
with soap. good god
are we?
good god! i am


Tuesday 21 April 2020


imperial pints to touch
we brought
shared visions of our future
summer burning
long stretches behind typewriters
open facing books
fingerprints dusted in
ink backs up against
a kitchen sink
worked into a


Monday 20 April 2020


if one were a god, or thought oneself a god, or the president of the united states in 2020, and wanted to test out creation, to determine it were sound, and demanded a father to take the life of his son, what would it mean that he complied? for he is confined on earth. this is all he knows. where he was born he will also expire. if he cares anything for his family and himself, he ought not kill his son and would rather die in his place. if, however, he believes earth a living hell and he should not think for himself, that he is nothing but a slave of god? then to take his son's life on command would be the ultimate verification, and sanity most certainly would depart. if this were the case, and one were a god, or thought oneself a god, or the president of the united states in 2020, one might draw the conclusion they are nothing more than a feared plenipotentiary. therefore, all would know that one had miserably failed and many, as a result, would come to question their faith.

Sunday 19 April 2020

reading our minds

thinking of you
falling for you

neither fear nor misunderstanding
today. the moments
make me sad

how long will we have

you are tired i am
tired not always discontent
but tired

by the world

shut the door

let us be

warm feet meet cold feet
lying on a couch reading
our minds

remix 1997

extremity of the heart

if there was snow
there were snowballs
you hit me with one
started a battle
blew into a hundred thousand particles
each little packed explosion tasting
touched by love


winter when i remember

how deep
we fell

by instinct



bookstores and books
we bought dropping the change
into hands holding cups like a prayer
outside mcdonalds

soon there would be
nothing more
to live


My thoughts turn to Hong Kong where democracy leaders who have fought for the ‘one country, two systems’ were recently arrested and detained. Timing is suspicious as they know the global pandemic is likely to edge out anything else (no matter how relevant) for headlines. An age old political tactic for sure. My thoughts turn also to less fortunate countries in these troubling times. Covid19 has had a terrible impact on the USA, Germany, Italy, Spain, France, UK, China. All countries with historically thriving economies, mostly well connected and funded, top notch with research and development, technological advances, and responsiveness to crisis. One can only imagine the devastation when it marches through impoverished areas. How will Africa and India and South America be impacted? I worry for the global economy and a second Great Depression. People gathering at State Capitols across the nation, protesting stay at home orders, their jobs and livelihoods at stake. And it is true that for every family every single job is not non-essential. People want desperately to get back to work. We are all walking on a tightrope it seems and for various reasons. The world needs true leadership. Who will step up? So far we’ve seen a few. Dr. Fauci. Angela Merkel. Gavin Newsom. Andrew Cuomo. Anxiety about the contagion and keeping it subdued competes with fear of the economic impact that comes from not working. I feel increasingly fortunate to have my job and my writing habit and my friends and family. Work keeps me sane. GREAT news! my manuscript is complete and ready to be published. I’m grateful for freedom of speech.   #katyamills

Thursday 16 April 2020

big sky

why so sad?
she asks

my girl my
thin t shirt
above me

smiling not quite
drunk pinning her locks
to my heart

i dunno it's so crystal
this moment
big sky holds

i snap the
bra strap
as she yawns

remix 1996

Wednesday 15 April 2020

daylight with earth

she saw by
her soul
images painful
bold. this world
its children
mix daylight with

she took the lights
down. he pissed on the porcelain
water scattered
with poison

dead leaves pale
faces under a big

candles on the tank
and shoulders and

he had to have her
pain made him
whole again

 behind his eyes
a redemptive quality
cast in a pervasive light

his struggle

remix 1996

Tuesday 14 April 2020

skatin the i.ball

in a crowd i was
a thief my eyes shifty my
shadow darted into grates
hands in pockets pupils
skating the eyeball
in circles. an object of
derision a sinking

alone i was birth
and death and
neverending i
drank my coffee
after five hours

my moment

i was left

i was shy i
longed to

Katya Mills

Monday 13 April 2020

love space cadet

we loved to eat we
ate we ate we ate

companionship was immortal life
never gained any

 digested the earth
below our feet

left us spinning


Sunday 12 April 2020

lightning without thunder

through clouds flashes
through eyelids

blanket over tired feet pillow
under head how long is forever? you
let me sleep

the wind
the dunes

washes the truck
dry my eyes on my
plate you let me
eat let me

time flashes by on our tv
sets. through eyelids through

without thunder

it is past our bedtime past
our pastime before
we even know it

we even
know it

Katya Mills
remix from '96

Saturday 11 April 2020

shade breathing dust at noon

Pelicans seesaw then dive in a row
stabbing daggers into salt
water in the wind

i am the line not yet drawn
a whole awaiting division

clouds form faces against the sky
watching the sun
swallowed by the sea

i am permanence for that 
which is changing

seagulls flutter and cry
across the new horizon
some light left behind
a burning memory 

i cry in colored sunsets
waiting for coffee
to open my 

i am a shade breathing
dust at noon

taken and remixed from the black cover 
journal of katya mills '96
i was 23 years old

Friday 10 April 2020


stuck at home
faced with


waiting for government

generate it

Thursday 9 April 2020

urban verses

faith in one

another we
take cover

hitting the bricks
early hour of the

day we
trick the tricks
what they gonna


no nine to five we
make our own
time i feel so alive
in your arms then

steam rises
through grates in
the streets we rent

hydrants let loose
like my spirit
summer days
catches fire scaling

your loving gaze


under cover

under cover
of darkness
my lover
of light
made even
a storm front

Tuesday 7 April 2020

faith without works is dead!

Faith without works is dead! within our everyday actions, from the moment we wake up to when we lie down to sleep, we can claim our faith and find freedom in doing so. thoughts and feelings are colored by judgment calls which may or not be accurate. how many times have you made an appraisal only to find out you were dead wrong? and then how you feel about it shifts. feelings are colored by thoughts and thoughts, influenced by how we feel. years can go by being misled, having misconstrued a situation, misunderstanding and being misunderstood! our actions, on the other hand, are tangible, concrete. they cannot lie. what you do is true.

Monday 6 April 2020

pandemic day 20

April 6
Global cases = 1,286,000
USA = 337,000
Sacramento = 442E

NYC is supposed to apex this week, while other major American cities are on the rise. We are definitely as a nation nowhere close to out of the woods. Vaccine not in sight. Testing still very limited. Supply of ventilators dwindling. I went to the grocery store and wore a paper surgical mask. About a third of people shopping also wore masks. Finally I was able to find eggs and italian sausage. I talked to my dad and he says although the economy is facing a serious recession he doesn't expect another Great Depression. He's a finance professional so I took comfort in his words. It was comforting speaking with my brother and mom over the weekend. And my aunt last week. I worked on my novel over the weekend which was the best distraction, trying to stick to my routines. I may take a hiatus on this pandemic diary, as the first 20 days gives you a pretty good idea of what one slice of life was like living through it, if you happen to be reading this many years from now and curious to know. I wanted to capture what it felt like. We certainly have hard days ahead in this city, this state, this country, and all over the world. Yet we are 8 billion strong. The greater long term question is how long can the earth and her atmosphere sustain such a thriving species as ours? Some great minds are certain it won't be long. There is a fascinating global quest to relocate humanity on Mars. I would love to witness this in my lifetime.

Sunday 5 April 2020

pandemic day 19

April 5
Global cases = 1,216,000
USA = 311,000
Sacramento = 390E

The decentralized approach our current administration has taken towards combating the covid19 has not been very effective. The proof is in the numbers. USA has over twice the reported cases of infections than any other country, and this statistic cannot be written off as justified by greater access to virus testing in our country, because our testing has been scarce and targeted only to those who have been most vulnerable and exposed. Trump has let the States battle it out with a wild west mentality for equipment on the global market. Other countries have complained that the orders they placed to pay on delivery for equipment shipped by air were pirated by cash payments directed by US operatives. Germany and France are among the countries in dire need of equipment making these seemingly outrageous claims. I would imagine they are not making it up! Because when everyone is watching a desperate and tearful New York governor Cuomo on prime time pleading for supplies, you can be damn sure no other state governor wants to be placed in a similar situation. The federal government is simply not in a position to help. Why? Because in the two months from when the administration was first alerted to the outbreak in Wuhan, China, those who advocated in daily briefings at the White House for funding to prepare for the high likelihood of an outbreak on American soil, were told to take a hike! And all they wanted was a few billion dollars early on, and then an order to force US Manufactures to produce the equipment needed. For two months our window to activate our finely tuned state of the art support systems to fight this deadly threat got smaller and smaller, until it fell on Trump's hands while he was leaning out the window looking at blue sky asking everybody: what threat? And even today there has been no direct national command to stay home. 8 US State governors still have not yet directed their constituents to do so. The wheels are certainly in motion and have been since I started this diary almost three weeks ago, but can they turn fast enough to save the cost of millions of lives? We do not yet know. I hope so. This could be a great lesson for the climate change deniers of the world. Look what happens when you wait too long before acting, your arguments seated in pride and nationalism. I love my country! I feel we have often led the way with thoughtful and compelling policy grounded in science and humanitarianism. The world has looked to us for answers. We have world-renowned creative thinkers and artists. In this case, the pandemic, I believe we let our allies and ourselves down. We have not been that grounding, protective force with leadership others can turn to. We have been unable to protect our own healthcare workers. The heroes of this dark time are our doctors and nurses and healthcare workers on the front lines. They are like soldiers without sufficient radar, without sufficient armor. Sparked by courage and a spirit, an ethos, to save lives. 

Saturday 4 April 2020

pandemic day 18

April 4
Global cases = 1,134,000
USA = 278,000
Sacramento = 390

A foresee a future Hollywood blockbuster film produced by Clint Eastwood based on the life and times of former CO Captain Brett Crozier of Santa Rosa, CA, whose ship is now docked in Guam and whose sailors packed the interior deck and gave him a loving farewell (with zero regard for social distancing) as he walked off the USS Theodore Roosevelt for the final time. Overnight the man has become legendary for crying out for help as covid19 took hold. The Navy relieved him for having set aside protocol at an urgent time (simply demanding compassionate quick responsiveness and flexibility) when any other institution besides the military might have encouraged creative out of the box thinking. Well, not so fast. The White House and several State and regional response teams across the country could also be faulted for the same sort of rigidity. Wait a few months (when we dream this whole pandemic will blow over) and watch the antagonists fall in line in with the hero narrative of Captain Crozier. It will likely require millions of fatalities in our country alone to persuade the narrowest of minds and hearts. It begs the question: can anyone be to blame for being unable to think and feel and act creatively? Probably not. Blame is not a helpful enterprise. Education is a better angle. Education which then leads to informed popular voting which puts leaders, not losers, into elected positions to run the country the way it ought to be run.  

Friday 3 April 2020

pandemic day 17

April 3
Global cases = 1,041,000
USA = 246,000
Sacramento = 361

I saw an image of NYC firefighters standing in the middle of the avenue applauding hospital staff. In five or six days they are expected to start running out of painkillers, PPEs (gowns, masks), sedatives, and ventilators. One nurse described going to work as 'sheep going in for the slaughter'. The governor is comparing covid19 to a 'slow-moving hurricane'. It's friday and I'm off work. I slept in and awoke to the beautiful sound of morning birds in springtime. The natural world outside is like nothing ever happened. It's my anchor. I took a walk to the seven eleven for a cup of coffee. Plexiglass now separates cashiers from customers. More and more people are wearing surgical masks. The city in the morning is quiet and far from the usual hustle and bustle of a morning commute. Over ten million Americans filed for unemployment in the last two weeks. Wimbledon and the Olympics are cancelled along with the entire sporting season. Kids are fetching chromebooks as school is out indefinitely. Church services are supposed to be accomplished online but several devilish pastors across the nation and in my hometown have been arrested for encouraging their congregations to continue to come on Sunday. The true idiots who somehow rose to power by accident are showing their true colors. Even our so-called leader of our nation ought to take a class in leadership. What ever happened to FDR and 'the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself?'

Thursday 2 April 2020

pandemic diary 2020 day 16

April 2
Global cases = 952,000
USA = 216,000
Sacramento = 314E

the pandemic is ripping through the charts. approaching one million cases in the world which we all by now should know is many times higher due to scarcity of testing. i fear for the densely populated areas in the world, Tokyo, Paris, LA, the entire country of India. i find it unbelievable that 20 governors in this great union still have not heeded the warnings, and their citizens are freely mingling in restaurants, at church, work, in parks and recreation together. stop and listen already! florida (often late to lunch) finally demanded people stay home yesterday. there are a tremendous number of retired Americans in Florida, including my parents, in the age group at greatest risk to covid19. the governor of New York has been seen crying on air, his constituents dying, refrigerated freight trucks rolling in for use as morgues. his own brother, CNN anchor Chris Cuomo, has contracted the virus. the death care industry is booming. the stock market is tumbling. museums have been closed indefinitely which created an opportunity for art thieves. they stole an 1889 self-portrait by Van Gogh when he was admitted into a psychiatric institution in France. the painting was titled: The Parsonage Garden at Nuenen in Spring 1884. i guess we are all going a little crazy now.

Wednesday 1 April 2020

pandemic diary 2020 day 15

April 1
Global cases = 882,000
USA = 189,000
Sacramento = 224E

One way or another we will get through this. whenever I go outdoors I am comforted by the beauty of the sun, the sky, the signs of springtime, the birds and flowers have arrived! we will see the other side. i am very concerned about the economic fallout. my guy keeps thinking we should stay home from work but i disagree. we may get the damn covid19 even if we stay home, because u still gotta go to the grocery store, etc. i am an essential worker so they want me there and yes, practicing social distancing with colleagues and still able to get in a little fix of social contact is beneficial to my state of mind! its a gamble who gets this thing. the vast majority will be able to ride it out at home with mild symptoms. the 3% will unfortunately end up with their lives hanging in the balance. could be any of us of course. i need my damn job. i need to stay solvent as long as possible. the Great Depression after the stock market crash in 1929 and the banks failing, left people out of work and suffering poverty and starvation for years. nobody wants to believe it could happen in today's USA of economic prosperity but it could and very well may. so i'm hoping to follow the best medical advice, the CDC guidelines, and also protect my livelihood. okay, enough out of me. thank you my friends. may we stay hopeful and productive and may we survive!