March 16

you don't need a riot to change. usually. unless you live in Port-Au-Prince or Moscow. my heart wanted to riot the years i was unseen. i blew up on those i loved. conditions deteriorated. relationships. i had to get right with myself. find a way to talk about it.   #katyamills

eventuality

becoming 

who we are not 

in a world which loves us 

more that way we are 

destined to figure out 

by process of elimination

who we always

were

#katyamills

egolessness

had to die a hundred times

all within a single day

for what i thought had happened to me

was nothing 

was okay

#katyamills

set 4 self destruct

my life was self destruct set into slow motion

my tailor drug and drink

subgenre rebellion 

in the age of deconstruction

the undercurrent identity

for it would never be okay 

to not be who i knew 

i was

#katyamills

selfless.ly

you and your force
of opinions


on any other day i indulge
in distant lands 
dive into RPGs and mobile
phones


today i laugh


selflessly plunging into
the vortex behind those
honey cambered
eyes

#katyamills

home

you wanted to be someone 

you could be anything you

could be someone you could 

be yourself   #katyamills

words

i string words together
not for nothing
that I can find myself
when i get lost
in the madness of
this world

tricks are for kids

stepping across the honeycomb of the mind i found a little home what was windowpaned in amber, encased by five walls of durable paper, gone gray. words were written there. i tried to make them out. i saw by the script they were my words. now it became a message from my past self i had to decipher. ten years old i was mostly lucky, and happy. i learned ways to deceive myself when i was sad. now i would and could not. i have to be real. tricks are for kids.

what you think of yourself

a parliament of youth came together in the U.K. to talk about issues and I watched them on c-span. the most spirited among them stood up from the green leather cushions and waved arms and smiled toward themselves, you could see. I was drawn in by the process. these kids with their fantastic regional accents trying the whole chamber, the whole house of commons, for some eloquence and persuasion. may be what you think of yourself in the end that triumphs.

dream #98

living made sense against a senseless world. each moment a firefly encasing light. we are protected. full of meaning we do not die. slow down a sec. come near. it's you and me. walking through all our pain to better versions of our truth of ourselves.

echoes of yourself

alone as you may feel you are surrounded by echoes of yourself in words others speak when they address you and clothes they choose to wear for you to see and opinions they assert in a language you know cannot be taught only shared and is meaningful for you. together at long last.

deadbolt

i remember when i
did not feel safe

without a
surgical steel
Stiletto switchblade
pressed in
my palm

behind
a dead and
bolted
door

still

the greatest
danger i faced
at that time
was me

i mean no harm

i am not out to get anyone and i doubt i am so important that anyone would be out to get me either. i get upset and jaded and rebellious and depressed and lethargic and dramatic and hyper and childish as much as anyone. i get outta bed and clean myself up and make me some breakfast and coffee, and head out to work my ass off everyday just like anyone tryin to get by in this crazy world. i have trauma in my past which reaches out to grab me, too. i have good memories of being a carefree kid and am grateful to my family for all they did to raise me right. i went a little sideways, sure. who didn't? i have my moments i feel elated and free and my spirit is strong these days. but i still make mistakes like anyone, i have my pitfalls. believe me, i mean no harm. i'm not out to cause anyone pain, and i don't really subscribe to the idea that other people are the cause of my pain. well, maybe sometimes i feel that way. but at my best, i know my pain is my pain, and no one else can really be to blame. not my mom, not my dad, not my friend, not my enemy, not my brother, not my sister, and not even god.

vote

ONE of them gets to feel loved by the entire country. one of them will feel loved by me and you. we can only hope that they didn't use all their life up to now, positioning themselves to be loved like this. i wanna choose the one who wakes up every morning and already feels loved. the one i cannot take that feeling away from, no matter

why
or when
or where
or how i cast my vote...

even if the only one they know who truly loves them
thick or thin
is themselves

do not be confused

Today is your day to kick ass. Even if someone's got you imprisoned, even yourself in your own mind, but even then you can ask for a book cause that is your right. If whoever has you locked down won't let you read,  try and exploit the weakness in their rigidity, all the way to your freedom. Today is Friday and your chance to shed the skin of the past and come out all bright and shiny and new. People will notice you if you simply show up. I like to walk somewhere, under the sun, walk a mile or two and find a cafe and sit and watch and think and write. Maybe let a friend know I will be there, so they can come see me if they want. Today is your day to kick ass. Don't let social media hold you back. Get back to your sacred expression. In whatever form. Respect yourself and they will respect you, too.

If you get tired, by all means meander, online or off, but come back to yourself and your connection with what only you know and let it speak. Make that fashionable statement only you can make, whether its how you dress how you walk how you talk how you write how you sketch how you  skate how you run how you gesture how you preach how you teach how you fight how you give how you help how you see how you feel how you deal. Be you. Be free. Be real.
  - K

embracing your feedback loop parfait

There are days here and there where i really don't care for myself, i mean, who i've become and what life has put me through does not appeal to any old romantic self imaginings. Thinking about it won't change anything. All i can do is push on and try and kick ass today. Then i can feel good about myself. I wish you all the best, also, in embracing all of who you are, including the part of you that might be reclusive, antisocial, stubborn, emotional, scared, especially scared, lazy, unfriendly sometimes, even downright stupid or mean. So long as you go back and try to mend any harms. To yourself may you be a friend today. Push on and kick ass into tomorrow.

cavity

the past is plagued with
misunderstandings

(some poets)
i mean explorers

still wanna listen to you
shouting up from the
darkness

having found
it

fluoride and baking
soda does tar

save us from a family
to feed (the hungry dentist)

the cavities
still somewhere below
the crown

then how i tap upon
the mysterious
hollow

whats inside

let us rediscover!
the land of empty
self

society has come to polish off the self

I need complete silence for as many hours of every day and as many minutes of every hour and as many seconds of every minute as I can get. There are big ideas circulating which will otherwise be lost to dark matter, casualties of the smart phone alert system. And if comprehension of these ideas are lost, I will be lost with them. Society has decided communal is the only way, at the expense of any self. Myself, yourself. Society has declared the individual no longer to be trusted, no longer significant. Society has come to the internet to polish off the self. There is a war being waged for control over the web, a war of individuals demanding free expression against the ever matriculating constituents of the giant dark formless blob. Hold on to your hats!

solar storm strike

Soon it will be as though I never existed. I did the dishes and swept the floors and vacuumed the carpets and dusted the shelves and made the bed and paid the bills and put out the trash and wiped the counters and bleached the tub and sink and soon it will be as though I never was here. Inside the pillow the down is on the rebound, for I have left for work. The kittens are chasing shadows, inattentive to the faraway sound of classical music in the faraway light from the closet. A guitar neck edges up from a dark corner. Silent. The glass is cooling off fingerprints. Spiders are waiting for someone to open the door, will someone ever come open the door? Our houses and possessions, what will they do without us? How will the things inside continue to live? Someone will come. And then the gods of destitution, financial and economic futility. I find myself back in that different life, like a dream now - was it real - helpless and hustling ...  mixed in with the street level decay, perhaps unappealing to the eye, a vibrant if desperate life demanding all of one's innate qualities be brought to forefront without notice! The very same things gone dormant for hours upon hours behind locked doors at home, behind books, behind screens, behind bars. Comfort was comfortable for a moment before it murdered you in a stifling blanket party. I urge myself out of bed, off the couch, urgently I urge away from the television, the movie, the dinner table, the concert, the opportunities to hide and plant myself and vegetate. The clinging vine of pharmaceutical quality anything, uncut mental and emotional, physical and psychic vacation, the headphones, the lottery, eye candy, ear candy, the hailstones get bigger and pummel us down and pound us into the ground, fragments of brain lying in shards of glass and ice. The trees weep for us. I urge myself away, back into the self-generating energies, and always what I left behind me comes back again like a solar storm strike. My glasses have been shattered. I grope across the keyboard how to say it. My heart is frozen in my chest, and I nudge it toward a thaw, urgent for a season, decidedly optimistic in the atheistic static. All the gods slap my face with all their many hands, and I wake up out of blue and into time to thank you. I make myself a solar-powered sail, a foil, a blackness to absorb, a whiteness to reflect, I reshape my fucking attitude into a redemptive puffy cloud heaving water, then I rise above it all floating, singing the screams, vomiting terror, rubbing confusion into my eyes, then looking blind into space. Thank you. I hate you life full of suffering. I love you life come and go. I will not forget or regret you made the most of me. Use me. Abuse me. Love me like you do. For I am you.

future.past.present

My future

innocent

untouched
pure

delicately woven
by my touch

i cry
to think
upon



My past is

starved
pale
and dark

thinking about it

i burst into
tears

sometimes



My life now

simple
not effortless

thrilling
not lonely

creation
behind the
keys

just

 
right


KatYa