Union Square

the brave one diplomatically took seeds from our hands before we tossed them. a bustling afternoon in Union Square. we stumbled around the language barrier. after 15 years apart it's not hard to say i love you. a truck coughed up exhaust and a hundred pigeons abruptly took wing and encircled the square three times like paranormal.  #katyamills

what year is it?

feared hated and without friends

he went out on another emotional killing spree

the unruly exiles dominated 

his heart. older now and not so strong

he came to on the ground

dazed and defeated

and asked the boy what day 

it was. and then

sadly

what year?

  #katyamills

ups and downs

i made and gave time

for the hearts to simply open

and share the ups and the downs

and for what we were most 

thankful

i watched another good one fall 

to the death of corporate 

interests

#katyamills 

Daniela

dispossessed
provocative

her disenfranchised hair chopped

draft copy

the lens
through which she
saw was
rose

wraps of scarves
continuity of thought

in those unlucky lost days
we enjoyed a vodka and maybe a smoke
or ten or never enough

traveled by jeep
through tunnels

the light 

what was left of it

collected
sustained
the fabric
my friend
myself
and
threaded
the dawn

#katyamills

17

when i meditate on those i knew who went down hard and whom, after all the shock had been absorbed, by anyone who meant anything to them, ascended to the heights of recollection, i am filled with great sadness, giving a damn, decidedly, when i got no damns to give.  #katyamills

avantage

dear god may i rise may i

fly from these illest confines

captured from below by your lens

an honest verse composing

flanked by puffy clouds and

friends dear god true

friends   #katyamills

seattle. early spring

glass rises up from the waterfront and you and me

we are specks. i am drawn to higher ground with recollections of cities i've known

we stop for a breath looking down on the ships in the sound  

your hair the color mermaid i grab your hand. i must not let go

you yearn to return to the sea       #katyamills

off the coast of friendship

we could tell the future

by the birds gone quiet

a change in the winds

our energy jumped

full of dread we shouted out!

like we gonna perish

then the storm subsided

left our faces wet and salty

lush and flush 4 the sunshine

#katyamills

October 1996 (remixed from entries)

i ran the streets
she saw me struggling
my struggle became ours

october
cold days under big sky
leaves dead and tumble
pale faces passing

she saw with her soul
images in her head
she painted painfully
bold

while i lay on a couch
watching light
she swung herself over and
into my arms

dropping elbows into my chest
pinning us into the cushions

together
laughing

we ran the streets
we were young
all was told

gone the glittering
gold


-Katya
(remixing diary (1996) entries)

honestly does

We had our best moments when nothing was going on: laughing at our inside jokes, playing silly meaningless games, being kids with one another, walking to the corner store, talking to strangers...being with desire. I am at peace to have a single one who knows my heart. For now, life cannot hurt so bad as it honestly does. I wanna help you. You make it all make sense.

omnipotent coffee pot

goodbye to this old year and all her worries and wonders. goodbye to those who died in the struggle for right over wrong, and may you live on, in our hearts, in our slogans, in our tireless pursuit of social justice. goodbye to this old year and her snaking contradictions. goodbye to the mirror and faded reflections of ourselves. goodbye to the ones who had to move out of town, may your adventures be long and dreamy. farewell to the useless imprint of ugly headlines. goodbye to the addicts who took one too many. goodbye abused powers and the fear you inspired. goodbye to new threats of nuclear war. goodbye to depression and not getting out of bed. we are young and inspired, facing 18 hour days. we will not be tired. we will not be phased. out of mainstream culture there arose such a clatter, boys and girls turned their heads to see what was the matter. the bells began tolling, the sunlight was rolling. good spirits were working and smiling a lot. they had so much to offer and an omnipotent coffee pot. 2018 the new year just begun. there was plenty to do under the sun.

another loss -i

You let me stay one night in your room, many years ago,  i was in between places and spaces and a kick in the gut had landed me in Oakland with nowhere to go. Brown-outs were my life back then, and nobody can tell you what your psychosis is gonna look like or how it will feel, because they aren't buried behind your eyes. Electronic Dance Music was one thing we had in common that night, and we had what was left of my battered laptop to trade tracks that touched us...

random free thought

We are bodies we are animals and then dead. we are energy we are light we are darkness we are dead then alive. we are angry we are happy we are grazing star gazing and thinking we are free we are imprisoned we are special we are selfless we are powerful we are alone we are in love we are aging we are regressing progressing learning forgetting remembering. theres nothing to do but be what you are and then be what you aren't anymore and be something else and keep going? how can you not keep going? like its within our control to fast forward rewind control time place good bad whatever so you just do what you do and be who you be and thats it. i think so. sometimes i'm more optimistic sometimes despairing sometimes just okay with everything and nothing u know. i got laid last week and first time in a year or more and it was fantastic to be. he was a little inconsiderate but not on purpose and i got myself off after. a good friend of mine (not some stranger) and just happens to be uninvolved (don't ever fuck strangers anymore, it's no good!) i was a puzzle. now solved.  -- KatYa (this fragment was inspired by Chloe and Jay (Justin) H).

life left us for walking

You were walking out with your keys to your car, and all the person you thought you would be and are. Anyone could see. You might just need to give up on those thoughts, look up and see what's left for you. I know I don't usually have the energy anymore, but when I do...  I wonder where you went, when you go. Please, go easy on yourself. I have a secret I think you oughta know, sometimes I follow you in the snow. Life left us for walking, disappearing into forest. See, that's a mighty gift. Please, go easy on your heart; are you taking all your meds? I made a medicine cabinet, to keep mine all together. I got the goddam flu shot, I know I'm getting old. I wonder what life has in store for us, when tomorrow comes. Then I grab a book to stop the wondering.

me and my pumpkin

I ate a pumpkin seed whole without chewing and a pumpkin grew off of the vine that pushed out of my navel. I was very surprised but not shocked because of the season. The pumpkin turned orange and I had to drink a ton of water to get it that color. I really felt dehydrated and drained but my pumpkin looked grand so I felt better though I looked terrible. The people who used to be my friends wouldn't talk to me no more or go to the clubs with me looking like that, dragging my pumpkin behind me. Cars got really angry, well their drivers did, they made their cars honk at me and my pumpkin crossing the streets. We were in the crosswalk, okay, so exercise a little patience, people. Only the children seemed to really like me anymore, and they followed me and kicked it with my pumpkin. After Halloween my pumpkin and I sat sorrowful at the dinner table, as I prayed for guidance. My pumpkin spoke to me through the vine, I swear, it told me it was okay. I know you think I'm crazy but you all stopped coming by anyway, so what would I care what you thought anymore? And don't even try. When the kids circle round, we will celebrate the season and eat pumpkin pie. You won't be invited and that's why.

fluffy white towels the kind you find in only the finest hotels

When all the bridges have been burned and all congeniality has been lost, looking at the river you will not feel the same as before, wondering how to cross it alone, wandering, then discover you can swim if you start by floating on your back, belly up,  staring up at the sky, even with horizon with the dying. You must continue on to farther shore, for there i await you, my child, with an oversized fluffy white towel the kind you find in only the finest hotels, to wrap around your dear self, and as you drip dry i will say nothing, just clasp my arms around your neck and lean into you so you can feel your strength and the beating of my heart with yours, in the valley, verdant of all that arise by the sun, solitary, captivated by the life.

Katya at home. 2015

not a color exactly. a hue

I found myself in a color, in a hue. We were driving away from it all. I gave him the keys to my car. He knew a place far down the river where we could get close to the water and sit in the shade. The river looked blue from above, and green when you came close. But it was neither of those. I had been in a room with friends, earlier, on a sunday morning. I drank decaf coffee and listened and began to smile. Not everyone had a story to share. I find great comfort in a spacious meeting hall, where you can say what you need to say and nobody will talk over you. Where you can say nothing and still be seen. Faraway, sitting on a riverbank, was the same. I lost myself in a color, in a hue. I wouldn't call it green. I wouldn't call it blue.

(so i write this letter) shaking salt at eggs on sunday

IF i could take your demons from you and battle them myself this day would be worthwhile, you see, it closes in on me and i don't know what to do inside my head inside my home shaking pepper on my eggs at the break of dawn on sunday. i could go to church but what difference would it make. i would rather go to see you and be with you. you won't criticize my hair or clothes behind my back. or in my face. we could laugh and talk about our boyfriends or our mothers over coffee. we used to go to the thrift stores together, remember? now i walk alone and ride the subways of my mind. my demons are okay they are not upset or acting out; even in the tunnels they sit still and quiet, hands folded, listening to the rails and feeling the side to side sway rock us into a new day. that's why i could battle yours if you would let me. the full moon fell out the window and the light is percolating and i don't know what to do inside my head inside my home shaking salt on my eggs on a sunday. so i write this letter and wait patiently for my chances. to meet someone new or be with you or you or you again, one of many long lost friends.

we search ourselves at risk

In this life there are people who may be unable to understand you or what it is your trying to accomplish, and how you go about getting there. There are people who may be disrespectful toward you, or worse. If your paths have crossed by some intended accident, and you have had a good run at it as friends, well, your run may have run out. When the end comes we can feel lost and confused, hurt and resentful, misunderstood. Some things were not built to last. When I am by myself in the quiet and calm of my home, I try and think of the best times I had with anybody like that. Then, if I am still hurting by another air raid from bombs dropped on my head, I try and remember who I am and why other people seem to love me through it all, this life, while some cannot and never will and that is how it goes. If I find the need to untangle the elusive truth of any matter -- to settle it once and for all so my mind can rest -- I can walk myself through what happened and focus not on what was said between us but what was done. And there may I find anything approaching the truth, for normal self-seeking prejudice and pride can neither stand up to the evidence before me then. Feelings cannot discolor facts. And I can only hope that I took right action, for we search ourselves at risk! You cannot escape your behavior. It is a humbling experience to lose friends, for sure, and everyone will go through it and most of us will go through it many times over. If you find yourself malicious with words, it is a good idea to go silent.

Today I came into the dawn with one less hand to hold. Troubling words were exchanged over the course of recent weeks which left me lost and confused. I saw the turmoil of my emotions and how I gave voice to many troubling feelings and it was not always pretty. Last night I spent with close friends I have known for over twenty years, who were in town from Chicago with their young son and daughter. They camped in my backyard. I introduced the three year old to Lucky Charms, and now he cannot get enough. I was fortunate to hold a child on my knee. Then we said goodbye and I was back on my own. I had already gone silent on the dead sea of dead ends, because all I had to say anymore was selfish and useless. Instead I prayed for relief from that pain in my heart. And I took the risk. Then I took a long afternoon nap, and it was restful. And I woke up and sat up from bed and was scared coming back into the world without that old hand to hold. But a calm came over my spirit like no other! For I have been true. I have been true!

the end of friends (conceptual freewrite)

Please i would do anything if only to call up a memory of you or a memory of me hurting not because  i want anyone to think of me that way, hurt, not because i want anyone to feel bad, no, only for anyone to know that i hurt, too, just like you, and that the lies do that, grey skies do that, and all the plans that fell through a black hole back through me back through you --- please i am already crying on a deserted ground when the kids are off for summer, there are many good memories and games to play and no one is waiting for a swing or a push, i can push myself and push myself around, too, i am not you but you can understand, can't you? you can remember the way i treated you before you pushed my limits --- thanks i loved you so and go on loving, because i remembered how i could and it was so good, to really care and truthfully the dare was one i did take, otherwise how could i die by the venom in a few words roughly strangling, a few thoughts issued like blankets in the winter and then i'm smothered beneath them, devastated by the heat, and wondering where this darkness came from how the wind came about so sudden --- thanks i will find my way back to light, out of irons, cautiously and quickly like i did when i was a child coming home late after supper when i wasn't allowed out but went out anyway because i cannot be tethered well, even if it was for the best, thanks, i will find my way slowly closing the door behind me, so carefully tiptoeing up the creaking wooden uncovered stairs --- even though i did some kinda wrong by you, i only did what i had to do, because i am who i am and make no excuses for myself, i have my energy to run and to run me over the fields and city streets, i am replete in my heart with the love that got me in this bind to begin with, for were it not for loving me for loving you, there would be nothing you would do --- no terrible lies, no striking out, no leaving no way out for me, no ladies and gentleman, this is the end of the show you must go, no drawing of heavy curtains behind which the hurt may be hidden, no accusations that this was what i paid for, no terrible, no lies, no whites of recidivist eyes.