compass

there is an urgency to be on the cutting edge of everything in this culture. to stay current on all the latest news. to be in step. information is a vast industry serviced by technology. i like to be aware of what's going on for sure. and yet I find the deep longing that resides within to be a truer compass. 

#katyamills

 

9.24

if anything is to blame for all the problems in the world it is not books

#katyamills

not a color but a hue

I lost myself. Not in a color but a hue. I wouldn’t call it green. I wouldn’t call it blue. By the way it painted over our lives, there was little else we could do. He knew a place by the water where we could sit in the shade. The river looked blue from above, and green when you invade. I felt threatened. I would miss that room, with friends, on Sunday mornings. We drank decaf coffee out of a thermos and it was disgusting. We swallowed it like champions. Here you may be rather alone but you can say what you need to say and nobody will talk over you. Or say nothing and be seen and not forced to speak up. I lost myself in the clarity of untroubled colors. Death to the insidious former hue. I wouldn’t call it golden and it certainly was not blue.   #katyamills

forget 2 remember

I forgot everything. I forgot the world forgot what happened forgot my name just forgot. The dreams pushed my eyes across the oily undersides of my lids, the eye movement rapid, the nightmares they were senseless and vapid. No one could hurt me anymore and neither could I. I forgot everything just so I could begin to remember.   #katyamills

stitched

i stitched together a so so morning after a night turning with visions and scratched up sleep. it could have been worse. society could have turned on all of us. all it takes is runaway fear and someone to target. queer nonbinary would be easy to pick off. the far right stays up late working on it. i cannot count my blessings. innumerable are they.  #katyamills

it's not pretty

this won't be linear 

it won't be pretty it won't go your way

you will encounter hopelessness and death

battle thoughts that tell you lies

dust off. try to love it for what it is

and be kind to yourself 

first

#katyamills 

all u have

"you are two people again stumbling through life and pissing each other off. but it’s not so bad and you get through it and let it go. because you are all you have". #katyamills

September 18

all the problems of the world upset her. not just her own. she did not know exactly how to begin. she thought for a while then took out the pan and began frying up some bacon and eggs as the morning light filled the room.  #katyamills

true love

"and when you feel it surging again, alternating with the mundanity, rising and falling, you know that deep feeling is everlasting". #katyamills

the camel

 I was in the camel (asana) holding my heels listening to Boards of Canada arching my back backwards diverting all thoughts of pain from the tooth. #katyamills

September

the black jeans with the iron patches they glued on broke apart again at the knees. maybe they would have to finally give up on them or else take them to a seamstress. they were worth saving. like stitching together all the memories from the past ten years the details of which were in the scuffs and nicks and paint stains and holes in the fabric which set off images affiliated with feelings and the feelings once captured were unique to particular times and intricate as hell.  #katyamills

on cycling

This needed no overture

to fall in love with cycling all over again 

like you were ten

#katyamills

immediacy

you twisted the storyline. it was a lesbian memoir from the year 2000. must you? I got turned off by this thing that turned you on. Imagining me with other men and women. We were at quite an impasse. a little hopeless. I looked you in the eyes. we both started laughing.

  #katyamills

more than less than

she spoke up for herself 

and told them off

her gemini twin came out swinging

she knew she was more than 

less than

in the past she did not defend herself

and less than became miniscule

they would not come out of pocket  

again  

#katyamills

power.less

she had a title she commanded a bit of respect and it was all a bit of a facade but what can you do? in the context of power you travel farther from the thing you hoped for. she was left feeling a modicum unloved  #katyamills

the west

they wanted out but there was no escape. they had chosen this. they had gone to school for this. they had gone into debt for this. they had traded out of a life of dim prospects and odd jobs for this. this was the West and no matter your colors capitalism would make you pay. #katyamills

F 150

your blood is black

drinking water like gasoline

you can get me through the rocky places

you cost too much to have

when not working 

you are idle and no good for nothing 

i love you

#katyamills

the lesser known

The sky turned red from blue
we saw the sun and knew
sanity had flown

what followed was the lesser known

as the darkness grew

#katyamills

nine nine

the plants she had tended to from shoots in the pot gave her a recent bloom and she applied ample blush under the lashes. lines darted out from the corners of her eyes and betrayed her true age. fuck it. she wiped all the makeup off. I am old. I am wise.

 #katyamills

down in it

summer is ending. the farmers harvest the grapes. the hawk wings tipped to the side observes the changes from above. i am down in it. in the city they live in tents on the avenues with blue-nosed pits to protect them. a simple walk on a cool fall morning is my high. 

  #katyamills

sunrise 1

her face the sun had not touched for many weeks. she worked at night and industry never sleeps. the early sun caught her near the horizon pulling laundry off the line before the rains. she let the sheet fall to her chest. closed her eyes and felt it. #katyamills 

life hack @ 24

if she cared any more it would kill her. and it saved her. stopping. it was a life hack @ age 24. the whole pain and suffering caring caused her was sent off into the night like a wolf. for a while she lived on nothing to lose mentality 

#katyamills

Super Taco

I met some good folks at a memorial yesterday at a Super Taco in South Sacramento. The two daughters one of whom seemed to be like a black sheep and left out. The best friend of the daughter, Sandy, who kept an upbeat energy the whole time. The oldest grandkid who planned on becoming a pharmacy tech like his mom, and told everyone to be happy today because that's what his grandmother would want. Then there was one with the world weary eyes. A founding member of the Deftones. Dominic. He said he teaches music at Skip's music and they were relocating the store to Madison Ave and we should stop by. Tosh lost his sax to a house fire so I know he would want to go. it was a not so blazing end of summer day thank god, even clouds in the sky which is rare for September. we were out on a wide patio for hours with little cover. Tosh and I brought some orchids we picked out for the family of the deceased. she was the sister of Tosh's sister-in-law and the big C had claimed another one. I never met her but her daughters and grandchildren were full of the kind of emotion that meant they were so deeply loved and cared for by her. we all ate together and talked. young kids running around the caterers. when the mic got passed around toward the end it was hard and I found myself crying for someone I never even met. especially for the little boy, her closest grandson. he couldn't keep it together and neither could I but he stood up there like a little champion under his dad and mom and spoke. Tosh's nephew Mike, a big man with a big heart, said a few words because his mother could not. He recalled how Vickey used to measure his height against a bush in the yard and they all got a kick out of that. I gave the big man a big hug when I saw him after. He told me there aren't any good people anymore. His voice breaking up. I don't really agree with that at all. But the way he said it, something behind the words was true, and that's what I agreed with.   #katyamills

all love

you were sunk in the couch trying to escape the world. i couldn't light a fire under your ass so i lit the three wick candle. the cats were positioned one on top of the other grabbing neck by the teeth and simulating sex. cut it out. you're brothers for godsake not to mention fixed. I rambled on senselessly in the dark. You have a love and hate relationship with coffee! you shouted. I had to stop and think. No. That's not right. It's all love.   #katyamills

like happy

like anything good it won't be handed to you. I fancied myself Amelia Earhart. jumpsuit. cropped hair. purposeful half smile. I did not sleep well but who cares? leaned into the props to get them spinning. it's up there. above the cloud cover. go for it!  #katyamills