Wednesday, 19 February 2020

+ 7 +

you were always a little bit laughing at the end of your sentences. i was in the kitchen working up a goulash, juggling pots and pans. some days are busier than others and that's okay. this is the seventh anniversary of not being up to no good. i had to ask you to repeat yourself. you barked at me and i purred back. being nonbinary i gave up on normalcy long ago.

Tuesday, 18 February 2020

spirits

the spirits. in the spaces between
 apart and far from
 hemmed in

 they sway in unison
with and out of synch
 then

pressure to force it came upon the fooled
and forgotten

the spirits. they swayed in the fields
like tomorrow as was
yesterday

february 17

you go without sleep. you cannot stop talking about it. you push aside those things that matter to most people. sunlight. the outdoors. lunch. they think you are crazy. obsessed. sometimes you believe them. your heart has been inspired to tell the world a story.

Sunday, 16 February 2020

february 16

 they was runnin red lights and not killin nobody so they thought it was a joke. they couldn't say they wasn't old enough to know better, because kids been forced to take on the whole family at not even eight years old, after some sorta tragedy, and did! you could grow up anytime and maybe by circumstance. irregardless, they had not. so they went around young and stupid and reckless. people be laying on horns and vocal chords in protest all the time. and that just made them laugh a little harder. they had whole congregations praying on their souls. funny. how one man traded for peace and serenity, while the next would give anything for a little action.

Saturday, 15 February 2020

concerted

the world looked different. maybe because of my friend. she came back from nicaragua to visit, someone in her family had passed on. she gave me central american eyes. we had breakfast at dennys and shared photographs and stories. emotions were forefront on her face. i have trouble trusting, do you, too? but you gotta let someone in. i went to seven eleven and thought about it. turned in my winning poker card for two. one for me and one for you. thanks for the flowers. reruns of the streets of san francisco. karl malden tore it up. thanks for the love. we came together just right. i bought two cokes. one for me and one for you. some lady came in and barked at the guy behind the counter. do you have this? do you have that? no we do not. people can be so demanding. i saw a kid in the backseat of a car. he was hanging out his head alongside the small dog in his arms. both of them with their heads out the window. smiling. panting. happy to be alive. some pop song twisted as they drove through the parking lot. someone's drinking malt liquor on a saturday afternoon. i'm sure thankful it's not me.

Friday, 14 February 2020

sixteen 16

sixteen knew what sixteen
wanted

not how to
get it

sixteen was restless
craving living

let's find someone
and fall in
love

14 fourteen 14

fourteen was pushing the body
not yet filled in
around

bumping into stuff and learning
this way who you could or could not cross

fourteen was open eyes
still not afraid of nothin

Tuesday, 11 February 2020

i was made this way

smiling
i was made smiling
enamel chippin off the tombstones 
of my teeth

pouting
turning slightly tangerine
when you pinch
my bottom

silent
i was made silent
feelings mixed up inside me
not one has found
a way out my 
mouth

standoffish
not because i think im better
but because i don't at all fit
in

i was made this way
if you don't like me
so what? it's who i am
and i don't like you
neither

Monday, 10 February 2020

i give in

to the playful
to the hunger
to the boredom
to the laughter
to the weakness
to the cat calls
to the warmth
to the strength
to the comfort
to the ease

never will i
ever will i
give in to my
disease

in.som.nia

the streets of sacramento are filling up with new apartment buildings, new restaurants, new shops. it is 2020. my back was achin and i could not get to sleep last night. ten years ago sacramento looked so  different to the world, like an empty warehouse waitin to be furnished. now shes all grown up like a millennial and ready to show her stuff. the cost of living is always high. you gotta believe in her, invest in her, or else lose favor and get pushed out into the country.

Sunday, 9 February 2020

nine. two

nine and let us go
two forever
life that ends and never will
seeing people from
the past you never
know

Saturday, 8 February 2020

dyna.mite imagi.nation

all the pain in my body could not stop me. i was talking to myself and giving myself encouragement. hopefully they won't put me away. i seem to be okay. i gotta full time job and the only chemical in my system is caffeine. i gotta chiropractor and a therapist. i got a yoga class and a bunch of friends. i gotta family though they live so far away. i got an imagination and that's my favorite part. i think i'll write it down and make it real.

Friday, 7 February 2020

ad.venture

i may not feel ready but i get out of bed and fire up my engine with some coffee and water. it's friday. i don't know what will happen but i love an adventure. i'm gonna take it moment by moment. bring it on!

Thursday, 6 February 2020

broke the dial on the contrast

i once got more into people than books and lost sight of my vision. when you go blind like that, it's no sure thing you gonna come back. i spun around that way for years at a comparison party. broke the dial on the contrast. now i got my vision back you can be damn sure i'm deep into paper, i mean pages, both the reading and writing of them.

Wednesday, 5 February 2020

Trouble'99 (excerpt wip)

Everyone but Aden thought little about the future and investing in it, and even he was beginning to get derailed. I was protective and discouraged him from going out with us, stay and do your studies. Sometimes I stayed back with him and we went to the library or a coffeehouse to work. These were special moments for us. Fetching machine made coffee late into the night, talking about medicine and the life of a surgeon, cutting people up, dreaming about our great future. When he got into a zone, I dismissed myself and took a detour over to the fiction section to find something by Burgess or Borges or Burrows or Bukowski. I thought, if god or the head librarian told me the funding was cut off for fiction and made me choose one letter of the alphabet which we could keep, sorted by authors last names, I would likely select B. Then I would jump off the Navy Pier wishing I might drown.

Tuesday, 4 February 2020

tireless

february thank god for this cold winter morning
counteracted by effort and
shower and coffee

i cut and paint my nails
miniature tigers warm up to the
furnace

i scrub the pots and pans
and tea kettle

today may i be
tireless

with words
with efforts and
devotion

Monday, 3 February 2020

b

unlike who you
are and what
you do

you cannot trust what
you think what
you feel

to be real

Sunday, 2 February 2020

0202.2020

you wanna tell a story of what really happened but you cannot because your memory clouds it and your feelings about it colors it and your thoughts about it change it from what it really was to what you guess it was, and that's all right... just don't go thinking you can or pretending that's the real truth because it's not. it cannot be and it's not. no one has the real truth not even the facts. the facts are closer than you or me, but the facts alone are meaningless. that's why it's fun to write fiction.

Saturday, 1 February 2020

february

the first day of february and the ground not as stiff as my spine. felt more like spring and i refused to accept it (on the grounds of my fear of global warning). i forced myself indoors the whole day. it was saturday so i had to go out for the obligatory errands, and stopped in at my friend the chiropractor. she asked me a couple of vague questions and demanded i use real ice in a ziploc not peas. eat the peas! she said, eat the peas! that was about the only inspired declaration i ever heard from her. doctors don't go to med school to become life coaches. though she pounced on my legs, my back was winter and would not make a sound. my neck was springy and cracked loud and easy. i am reminded we are made of bones not just muscle and heart and soul.