Monday 30 March 2020

book review

EileenEileen by Ottessa Moshfegh
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I am excited to have found Ottessa and I very much respect her as a contemporary. She has a unique voice and her characters are so flawed and human, all of them. I found this story to be incredibly compelling out the gate! I was happy to be inside Eileen's head, as she has some wild imagination in her train wreck of a life. The characters around her were no less compelling, especially as she sized each one of them up. I will be reading more books by this author, the next being My Year of Rest and Relaxation. I'm currently reading this book in paperback, which is a pleasant change after so many e-books. Only problem is I have to use a headlamp after dark. Anyways, it's the kind of thing I could see Eileen doing. Wearing a headlamp while reading in the attic, and her dad coming up there to call her names and her wishing he would get struck in the head by a falling icicle. The only major disappointment of this story to me was the ending. I don't know exactly why I was disappointed. Something about the use of the narrator as an older woman looking back on her life didn't work for me. And just the outcome of the story didn't work for me. It wasn't really credible or natural an ending. Nevertheless, I was left feeling happy I picked the book up and for sure would recommend it to some people but not my parents. They don't like the stories I write, either. So that's a real compliment.

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pandemic 2020 day 13

March 30
Global cases = 734,000
USA = 142,000
Sacramento = 164E (3.27)

One thing I learned is the covid19 may affect different blood types differently. They are suggesting blood type A may be more susceptible to the virus. I am searching my memory to recall my type, I think it's AB. I am happy to say my hero brought me a thermometer he got at Walmart yesterday. I can't believe it took over 2 weeks to find one. Now in the event I test positive I will be able to quarantine and have all I need to make it through on my own. Some of us will be really really lucky and never contract the virus. Perhaps a small minority get vaccinated a year from now and never be infected. The majority of us can expect to contract the virus, experience mild to moderate symptoms, and get through it safely at home. I have a teledoc and my Kaiser doctor to help me walk through the illness online. Then of course there are the 3% ers who may fall seriously ill and god be with you. Yesterday Dr Fauci, who is the bread and butter of the latest update on covid19 here in the States, predicted 'millions' will be infected and '1-200,000 Americas' will die. This news sent shock waves through my acquaintances. In my humble opinion, the number of fatalities is a great underestimate. There is no way he would be allowed to step up to the podium and give a candid appraisal and be completely forthcoming. Trump finally extended his wish for life (business) to go back to normal to April 30th (previously he wanted the churches packed on Easter, April 12th). I completely understand and do not fault him for pushing for the nearest possible moment to get the economy going. We are looking at a deep recession at best in the coming year. It could get a whole lot worse. Dan Rather was back on the news last night, crying, calling upon the courage our founding fathers. Few are alive today who were old enough to remember the Great Depression. You would have to read a book. Expect poverty and starvation for your average man. Most Americans don't think I could get so bad. But it could. On a brighter note, I personally am hopeful we will get through this and come out a better country. If history is any precedent, we will.

Sunday 29 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 12

March 29
Global cases = 679,000
USA = 125,000
Sacramento = 164E (3.27)

I realized yesterday not all of California's counties are updating numbers daily. Sacramento and Los Angeles are only providing accurate infection numbers every 3 days. The covid19 transmits through saliva so those little paper masks people wear apparently are useless, as they attract and absorb saliva droplets. I also realize that in grocery stores (where the aisles are not very wide and the goods are essential) people are almost accidentally disobeying the CDC recommendations. Example would be acquaintances running into one another within one aisle and trying to cognitively assess the exact distance between them while simultaneously being fully present and compassionate with a fellow human being they may not have seen in a while. We have a natural inclination (which we must now fight) to abide by our life long training in social standards! So it takes a real conscious effort to distance ourselves at ALL times from others by 6 feet or more. The best way to make this happen is spontaneous communication. Listen, we care about one another so let's be sure: are we six feet away right now? Find your own chosen words and start using them. The two navy hospital ships have now situated themselves on the respective coasts. Mercy on the Pacific (Los Angeles) and Comfort on the Atlantic (NYC). Governor Cuomo is fighting Trump to keep his state from being quarantined, and has described this in language which hearkens back to the Civil War! This would be a declaration of war against the state of New York. As of this morning, Trump has backed off the quarantine. They say such an order would only cause pandemonium as residents of New York would likely start to flee the state. Once again, Democracy as a political system is a funny thing. Any leader has to take into account peoples mobility and, like the stock market, has to take the pulse of public sentiment, which is often a far cry from fact. You have to legislate with people's feelings in mind, because you only have so much influence over them. Personally, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Saturday 28 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 11

March 28
Global cases = 597,000
USA = 104,000
Sacramento = 164E

Xenophobia can become a real problem when a nation's leaders are labeling a global epidemic by the region of its apparent origin. There have already been cases of Asians and Asian-Americans being mistreated and assaulted since the onset of covid19. We need to all unite and do what we can to defeat this enemy. Ignorant people will react to ignorant statements made by powerful people. This is an equal opportunity illness! It has nothing to do with race or ethnicity. To those who are authority figures, I urge you: use your words carefully, compassionately! I was happy to learn that both my colleague and the client who went to the ER this week tested negative for the novel coronavirus. It took 4 days to get test results! Abbott Laboratories has developed a 5-12 minute rapid test. Today the FDA approved it. I don't know how long it will take to roll out, but this is great news. American automakers, including General Motors, are supposed to start producing ventilators. Again the timeline is fuzzy for how quickly these can go to market. Vaccines may as well be light years away. Survivors have reported a feeling like 'drowning on dry land' and  'six days all alone' in isolation wards. The saddest thing is how people must die alone, family and friends unable to be by their side to comfort them. In Berkeley the students set up a socially approved distance from one another and gathered together to sing songs. We are social beings! The longer we are forced to go without one another, the greater impact this may have on our mental health. I am fortunate I have my colleagues at work whom I see face to face. Teachers and musicians and artists and therapists are using the internet to stay connected. Any creative way we can find to be together is most welcome! 

Friday 27 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 10

March 27
Global cases = 529,000
USA = 83,000
Sacramento = 120e

Los Angeles is getting press, New Orleans is getting press. I haven't heard much from Chicago or Atlanta or Houston or Boston or San Francisco or Miami. The largest cities are projected to go through what NYC is going through now, triple cases every day into an exponential nightmare. India is a country of a billion plus. As the largest democracy in the world it is expected to experience possibly the greatest loss of life of all nations. Democracy is proving to have less defense against the virus, because citizens typically have more freedom and mobility. Today the FBI busted a two bit actor in Hollywood who tried to sell some pills to an undercover agent and who has been banging his own drum to a 2.5 million Instagram following about his purported 'cure for covid19', seeking million dollar investors at 'the ground floor'. He may serve up to 20 years in the federal pen for being a dunce. Meanwhile a friend of mine was waiting in line with seniors early morning at Costco when a woman in front of her fell back with her shopping cart, unconscious. Call 911. It's Friday and I'm burned out by a stressful week and looking forward to a mostly isolated weekend with my cats. Working on my novella. Reading Eileen. Watching Netflix, jogging and cooking. Maybe I will file my taxes so I can hopefully get a refund before the US Government runs out of money.

pandemic 2020 day 9

March 26
Global cases = 463,000
USA = 64,000
Sacramento = 100e

The Sacramento County jail is releasing 400 prisoners to the streets so they can make room for potentially infected new inmates. The reported number of citizens infected cannot be accurate as only people who are symptomatic and have been exposed to others who have tested positive, and have underlying medical conditions, can make an appointment to test. We should but do not have the capability yet to test everyone who is symptomatic. Once we can, we will surely see a spike in the numbers. I am very busy at the mental health clinic because 2 other managers are sidelined, and lately I'm helping to develop telework plans so my team can work from home. These plans were approved today and everyone was cheering. They can work from home for up to 24 hours a week. It still feels like the calm before the storm at our clinic and in our region. The way I figure, the medical crisis will happen first and the mental health crisis will be fast on its heels.

Wednesday 25 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 8

March 25.
Global cases = 433,000 
USA = 55,000
Sacramento = 88

I find peace in my routine in the morning. Getting up before dawn, making coffee, listening to classical music on NPR, writing, stretching, praying, talking with my cats and my love. Driving to work without traffic. Around me is a feeling of 'calm before the storm' as everyone's been watching how events unfolded in Italy, and expecting similar mayhem in the States. NYC is already in trouble. I have had several brushes with local cases. I have friends in recovery who attend meetings regularly at a church in Greenhaven, Sacramento. Two among the congregation have passed away from covid19 and many more tested positive. I had a client who had sxs and then tested negative. As of yesterday my colleague went to get tested, as she supported a client face to face last week who was admitted to the ER two days ago with sxs consistent with covid19. We are awaiting results of those tests. We serve vulnerable populations. Work is getting busier and busier as many employees including my fellow managers have had to stay home. Others have chosen to use PTO and stay home to 'flatten the curve' of infections or whom are caregivers for loved ones who are at greater risk due to age or condition. I have found my mood shuffling from courage to fear to anxiety to leadership, from heavy to light-hearted. Laughter is indeed the best medicine and my inner comedian has arrived. When under pressure I have discovered I am somewhat able to step up and rise to the occasion. If you think you need to get tested and want to arrange to get tested at a local testing site, you can utilize Verily, a medical offshoot of Alphabet (Google), which has a questionnaire you can fill out online or on your phone and it will set you up with an appointment if you meet the criteria (exposure to someone who has tested positive, underlying health conditions). The sites being set up are tents by hospitals and you can drive through. The trillion dollar economic stimulus package got approved last night and the stock market rose 11% which is the largest single day jump since 1933. Trump is dying to get the bull market back because he sees it as a reflection of his ego. All the medical advice contradicts his interest in having people go back to work by Easter. April is projected to be a painful time in the States, no matter how well we follow the CDC guidelines. My family has coalesced somewhat in the face of the crisis. It's hard to stay optimistic. I keep sane by being useful. When home I am focused on reading and cooking and writing. I keep calm at work by using my small authority to demonstrate kindness and leadership.

Tuesday 24 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 7

March 24. The reported total 384,000 have covid19. 16,000 have died. The more i learn, these numbers cannot be trusted due to the limited availability of testing. And, even in places where tests for covid19 are available there are so many more who either are asymptomatic (therefore would not yet seek out testing) or whom are experiencing the virus as something akin to a common cold or flu. Cases range from mild to fatal. So how many are truly infected and carrying the novel coronavirus? Likely 100x the existing data. That's what i have heard. So that would be 38 million and project out to 1.6 million fatalities. And certainly not peaked on most continents. They say there's not a single case on Antarctica. If the last pandemic took 50 million lives and the global population in 1918 was 1.8 billion then covid19 could be expected to take 200 million with population currently around 8 billion. This ratio (and i'm no math genius) approaches 1 out of every 36 people dying. Or approximately a 2.8% mortality rate, which is consistent with the data thus far. i know all this seems morbid and depressing, and i'm not trying to fan the flames of hysteria, i swear! i actually find the math comforting. imagine we are standing in a row of 36 randomly selected people, and god or the universe tells us one of us will be chosen to leave the earth?

Monday 23 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 6

March 23. Truth is indeed as strange as fiction. It's ironic how taken the USA was by the zombie apocalypse movies in recent years. Watch out! They look like us, they walk among us; if they touch you, life as you know it is over and you become a zombie, too. Some better known celebrities and figures have been testing positive without realizing they were exposed, including a US Senator from Kentucky, several sports stars, a renowned opera singer, and the doctor of the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, who recently administered her a pneumonia vaccine. Germany has now banned socializing in groups of more than 2 people. The next mandate will have you bumping up against yourself and your reflection in the mirror. You will only have your multiple personalities to embrace. None of this is funny but we need a sense of humor. Someone who's infected need only breathe on you, cough or sneeze toward you, and you've caught it. And you may not know for days. Yesterday I hit the local Raley's and got 100 caps of tylenol, nasal spray, more canned soups, chili, and multivitamins. In 5 days I have been unable to locate eggs, tp, or a damn thermometer to check myself in the event of a fever. I went online and Amazon appears to have a backlog of orders for thermometers. Last night I had some crazy dreams which reflected my greatest underlying subconscious fears like the world falling into complete disarray. I am about to put my face on and go to work. We shall see if my company has developed a solid telehealth plan over the weekend. I'm more than happy to stay busy and I can basically isolate myself in my office unless there's an urgent walk-in. I feel I have come somewhat to terms that 40% or more of the population will be infected. The 1918-19 pandemic came in waves and killed off 50 or more million people. They say it sourced in Alaska among an Inuit tribe, and was easily spread through the military ranks in the first World War. Clearly people were not as interconnected 100 years ago as they are today, and the 'wave' concept spells doomsday for the global economy. The Great Depression may not have been caused by the pandemic, but it sure timed perfectly, coinciding with a stock market crash and the industrial agricultural movement which was to blame for the Dust Bowl in the west. We are guaranteed a recession, they say, and if there's a second wave of COVID-19 in the late summer or fall, we may see a second Great Depression. I have a few things keeping me steady in a time of greatest uncertainty. My family. My work. My cats Bunny and Mouse. Running out on the river. Cooking. Reading. And working on my #WIP : Trouble'99.

Sunday 22 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 5

March 22, 2020. USA has jumped up in infection cases to become the 3rd highest behind China and Italy. Northern Italy is having a hell of a time. NYC looks to be in trouble going forward. China has been successful in containment, which I have learned relates to the infrastructure they have in place to contain people. So there are some hidden benefits of a Communist system! Today I will be going to the store in search for some of the items that I looked for last week and could not find. Mind you, I could have searched harder and probably found them but given that we are not supposed to move around a whole lot, I did not. A thermometer, tylenol (fever reducer), pasta, nasal spray, garlic, frozen vegetables, vitamins. I have been watching youtube videos of covid-19 survivors. It appears the virus can come on quickly with fever and cough, tightness in the chest, body aches, headache, and within 24 hours of onset of symptoms one may need to go the ER due to cardiovascular issues (racing heart and/or difficulty breathing). Call first if possible to alert them you are symptomatic! This will limit the potential to spread the virus unintentionally. We have to be unselfish no matter how panicked we may feel! Once quarantined, this 48 year old woman in Ohio testified (a year older than me), they gave her antibiotics and tylenol for 3 days than was good to go home and self-quarantine. She had no underlying health conditions. A younger woman reported how she got sick after going to a weekend party last weekend, and she was able to recover at home. She did not experience any cardiovascular sxs. Only through Facebook did she discover that several of her friends who were at the party got sick, too, and had tested positive for covid-19. So you can see how we can be conduits of the virus without ever realizing that we had it! For some it can come and go like any seemingly innocuous experience of cold and flu season. I want to continue to urge everyone to consider 'facts over fear' and stay calm. The only point of terror that resides in me, is the idea of having to go for medical help at some point in the future, and requiring a respirator and treatment for pneumonia, and not able to get one due to lack of supplies. I am excited to learn that the Governor of California is putting together a team of brilliant people including Elon Musk (founder of Tesla and SpaceX) to help shift our economy toward producing the equipment we will need in the coming days.

Saturday 21 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 4

March 21, 2020. Over 300,00 infected. 13,000 died. The streets are full of life today in Sacramento because it's a beautiful day and understandably, nature is a grounding force for us. I am going out for a run after writing, because I know being alongside the river in the sun will lift my spirits. Provide me with some peace of mind in an otherwise unrecognizable world. Businesses closed. The economy tanking. People wavering between states of fear and anxiety and unable to get together to comfort one another. Services moving off the bricks and into peoples phones and cars and computers. Delivered over flooded broadband internet connections, apps crashing, trying to gauge the load our e-commerce system can handle. Everyone staying at home. Deep in my heart, I am confident I can not only get through this alive, but that I can become a grounding force for my friends and clients and family. This is my hope.

Friday 20 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 3

March 20. I have scared myself thinking i may have symptoms of covid-19. i have a history of asthma and bronchitis and have compensated for shortness of breath by long-distance running. the past couple of mornings i have felt short of breath slightly, and i have been sleeping extra hours. hopefully i'm fine. i ordered more inhalers just in case, on advice of my brother. i still cannot find a thermometer in local stores to check my temperature. the part of me that gets scared amps up and then i come to place of acceptance to calm down. so i may get the virus like anyone else, and then i just need to get through it. i have faith that i can. i have an autoimmune condition but i have kept myself in very good health and i am only 47 years old. my plan is to continue running the river and doing yoga at home to stay in good cardiovascular health. as of midnight last night the city and region of Sacramento put into force a shelter-in-place law, which can be enforced. this follows the Bay Area and SF which did so monday. a colleague told me her friend who lives in SF actually got a ticket for venturing outdoors for something other than 'essential services'. so this is martial law. Governor Gavin Newsom indicated in a letter to the President that he fears in 8 weeks time, half of the 45 million citizens of California will be infected with covid-19. This to me was an astounding statement! We have been told that the virus has stopped spreading in its epicenter, in Wuhan, China, no new cases are being reported. And they topped out at 80,000 infected. So i figured if they can stop it, why can't we? I am curious to learn more. I cannot let myself be terrified. Only curious to learn and understand and take any precautions to safeguard myself and anyone i come in contact with. The distance between two people has been set somewhere between 6-10 feet. Essential services include mostly anything you gotta do to meet your basic needs. Healthcare appointments, exercise, walking pets, grocery shopping, post office, etc. No social gatherings for leisure activities. The mayor of New York City Bill De Blasio just had a press conference and railed on President Trump for not having yet mobilized the government and 'the finest military in the world' to battle. Hospitals are going to run out of the necessary equipment in two weeks. This is the first domestic leader to really come out with a strong statement against the current administration. NYC has clearly become the new epicenter of covid-19 domestically, and it has millions of people crowded into several square miles. So the potential cost of life is extremely high.

Thursday 19 March 2020

pandemic 2020 day 2

March 19, 2020. This is too unusual an event in the history of planet earth not to record. covid-19 global pandemic. here in the states we first learned of the coronavirus in january 2020 through social media reports of
Li Wenliang
Li Wen Liang.jpg
Born12 October 1985
BeizhenLiaoning, China
Died7 February 2020 (aged 34)
WuhanHubei, China
Cause of deathCOVID-19
EducationMaster of Medicine (MMed)
Alma materWuhan University
Known forRaising awareness about the 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic

Li Wenlianga doctor (ophthalmologist) and Communist Party member in the Wuhan Province of China, who had been reprimanded by Beijing on January 3rd for having expressed his beliefs in a chatroom, in efforts to warn friends and family of the existence of the virus, as he was treating people who were getting sick and dying. In many cases the virus started as fever and progressed to respiratory failure. The W.H.O. was alerted of the virus on New Year's Eve, 2019. Ultimately covid-19 was traced back to the Huanan Seafood Market in Wuhan, though it is still unclear if this is where it originated. China and USA are now fighting over origin stories. The good doctor was telereporting to the world how he lost 5 patients in his ward on one single night. He himself became infected in early January, and by the time he himself succumbed to the virus and died, he had become a folk hero. and rightly so! people turned off their lights in 5 minute tributes, spread glitter and blew whistles to honor his memory, and shouts for freedom of speech became louder. The censors could barely keep up removing hashtags. He passed away at age 33 on February 7th. Since his death, entire cruise ships were quarantined on the west coast of our country and the first USA death from covid-19 was one of the passengers, who lived in Placer County, which borders Sacramento County where i live. There are now 200,000+ cases globally and close to 10,000 have died. The studies and projections of cases in this country are predicted to overwhelm the hospital and healthcare system, as they will outnumber beds and access to ventilators. Our president, Trump, has declared war on covid-19, and is utlizing the military and Army Corps of Engineers to try and setup field hospitals in every major city. The projected peak of infections in the USA is an estimated 45 days from now, and we will be overwhelmed. Yet Sacramento, the capital city of California, has only recommended people stay home. Schools indeed have all been closed. Martial law has not been invoked. Yet. It's a strange time because nobody seems to know exactly what to do other than hoard supplies for long potential stretches at home, and socially distance themselves from others. In a few minutes I myself will get ready for work as usual, and drive into the office. I feel i would be better served if i were working from home, but i will do my duty and go in and support my 25+ colleagues in serving our 1,000+ clients who are mostly vulnerable populations dealing with both economic insecurity and mental illness. My hope is to keep the faith, pray to god, and otherwise listen and respond with creative intelligence to a dynamic and emergent public health crisis.

pandemic 2020 day 1

March 18, 2020. These are frightening times. covid-19 outbreak across the world. here in the usa we do not have testing yet available for the asymptomatic, test kits are slow to roll out. i have spoken with acquaintances who have been either in close contact with someone who got sick and tested positive, and yet because they are asymptomatic themselves, they cannot find a way to get tested. statistics are showing 2-3x jumps in the number of cases in major cities, as tests become more available. god knows how many people are carrying covid-19 and spreading it without realizing. though the sacramento region has only had 16 estimated deaths and 150 estimated cases, we know these numbers are not accurate. i myself could be carrying the virus and don't even know. the grocery stores have been ransacked for basic things i need now, a thermometer for instance, soup, bread. i am still going to work as a mental health clinician for an outpatient clinic, and most but not all of our appointments are being conducted by phone. i am trying to keep a positive attitude and a sense of humor so i can help my friends who are scared just laugh. the streets are mostly free of people. going to work is now a welcome escape from the fear and hysteria. traffic unusually light. city unusually quiet.

Tuesday 17 March 2020


i am a mental health first responder
ina public health crisis

i am
hiding my anxiety behind
a facade. no. i am transparent with you
i want you to see you are not
alone in your stress your worry
your fear and anxiety

let us put it out there where we can
see it. address it. change it. not allow
it to run us or run us over

Sunday 15 March 2020

ii cokes

ii cokes (published by k on wordpress)
i bought two cokes one for
me one for you. some lady came in and barked do you have this? 
do you have that? no we do not
people can be so demanding
a kid in the backseat of a car hung out his head along
with the dog in his arms both of them
smiling panting happy to be alive
some pop song driven twisted through the lot
drinking malt liquor on a saturday
afternoon. i’m sure thankful
it’s not me

con.cert.ed -i

con.cert.ed (published by k on wordpress)

the world looks different when
your standing beside a friend
central american eyes. back from nicaragua because one
in her family passed on

breakfast at dennys photographs stories emotions
forefront:  i have trouble trusting, do you, too?  you
gotta let someone in

i went to seven eleven
thought about it
turned in my winning poker card for two

one for me and one
for you

thanks for the flowers

Saturday 14 March 2020

3 stones

a plot of land in Oklahoma came to my attention through a mailing, it was a speculative situation my grandmother got into years ago and i was surprised to get this letter. attached to it was her will and testament! dated back to March, 1981, which must have been when she realized she had not long left on this earth. she died in August, 1983, when i was only 10 years old. i remember her as a creative and expressive person. i was excited by a few details i read in her will. the special inscription she asked be engraved on her own stone (where she was buried, in Independence, Missouri) to honor a brother who died at birth in 1913. and a provision about the disposition of 3 precious stones which she had among her jewelry: Onyx, Emerald, and  Lapis Lazuli.

what fascinated me and draws me closer now to my grandmother and her spirit; the most important stones to her are green, blue and black. my 3 favorite colors. the one that i knew least about was the LL. i wish to learn more! the lapis lazuli i discovered is found in limestone in the Kokcha River valley of Badakhshan province in northeastern Afghanistan, where the Sar-e-Sang mine deposits have been worked for more than 6,000 years. this special stone stands as a metamorphic rock prized since antiquity for its radiance in blueish purple, the color which comes from electronic excitation of one electron in its cellular makeup. it is a universal symbol of wisdom and truth and has been mentioned in the old testament, and been used by world-renowned artists in their paintings. it is used to make ultramarine. it has been part of Faberge eggs and King Tut's resting mask. it is the symbol of royalty and honor, gods and power, spirit and vision. and can be worn on the middle finger of the right hand (laid in silver or gold) to help foster self-awareness and protect one's energy, by transforming darkness into light.

Friday 13 March 2020


3am. alive and well. technology
my friend at last 4
i can telework
my cats bunny and mouse
my copilots. so excited they woke me up too early
fuck it. coffee on the stove
what more can i ask?
i am in love
if not for this intractable pandemic
reality is like a little child held up
high to the sky after
the big kiss

take a train to nowhere

a tidal wave of fear
i don't have the energy for it
i watched you
carried away

i could not save you so i
ate a banana
went for a walk
listened to the wind

rattle around the heads of palm
and took a train
to nowhere


the totality struck
me. i gotta case of rockstar
dropped myself in a coin slot
for play

Tuesday 10 March 2020

wonder bread

i was wonder bread white i
knew nothin
of my history

until i got my ass kicked
where i came from

a mystery

Sunday 8 March 2020

Trouble'99 #wip

"I sat beside him in the freezing cold, and he asked if I could sing and I said no. Great, he told me, you got the job. When you recognize the song I want you to sing along. I started humming along at first and then begin by whispering them, the lyrics, then my whisper got a little louder. I still got quiet and shy with all the people rushing in and out during the heaviest of the commute times. He told me my voice sounded lovely next to his tired hatchet job on the guitar. We were a broken record of a different kind. If we could just be a little louder we might make some bread."    --  Katya Mills


was my middle
name. i used to think you oughta
stir shit up. now i know
anarchy is over

revolution will
occur naturally now and

do not provocate
just because you see a change
before it comes

be the change. educate

peace is a precious

the big F you

ONE used to hear the big F you
outta me. i took the F from
my diet. removed the middle beam
and affixed it to the rooftop
now the first touch
of gratitude
Katya 2020

stretched so hard i touched memory

the visions were transverse
mixing with memories until
they were infused
came from some old scratch on
some old disc in my fourteenth vertebra
top of the column down
probably got it playing frisbee
circa 1992
a tree pushed a root up and tripped me
in an old growth forest i
had broken up with my third
best friend
forever wasn’t as long as
i imagined

Saturday 7 March 2020


what really happened
memory clouds it
feelings color it thoughts about it
change it
what it really was what
you guess it was
just don’t go thinking
pretending you know
the facts are closer but alone
they are meaningless
that’s why it’s fun to write

published on wordpress
by Katya Mills


a wordpress poem 
by katyamills 

the first day of february
i am reminded

the ground as stiff as my spine i force
myself indoors the whole day my
back is winter and will not
make a sound

not just muscle
and heart
and soul. no
we are made also
of bones

i cannot survive indoors
my neck cracks when i look up

like trees
we reach
for light

Tuesday 3 March 2020


"When we were up and tumbling through our days, trying to figure out what to do with ourselves, we forgot to be frightened." - Trouble'99

i dream

i dream my words may help
you through rough

i dream

Sunday 1 March 2020

squirrels revenge

i was going about my day with the best intentions when the squirrels started to chatter, telling me all kinds of things none of which were true. they were gnawing on acorns and leaving the shells scattered around my mind. i was gonna have to commit to a deep clean, sweep and mop. they almost had me convinced i was no good, and the world a terrible place. problem was i live in the world, and i live with myself twenty-four seven. so i found a nice tree to sit under for a spell. i lay my head back against my hands with my elbows and arms butterflied out around the trunk, closed my eyes and prayed to god. i stayed in that position for several days, and the squirrels they finally jumped out from the crown chakra and clung to the tree, testing their little claws and flicking their puffy tails and gnashing their teeth. they took off chasing up into the high branches. when i finally stood up, my thoughts were peaceful and friendly. you gotta make the most of what you got.