december 6

today will be like most days and i am content with the lot i have. out of bed without an alarm just before five am, woken by the cold nose of one of my two kittens in our little family. i will take my single pill and put the coffee on, do a couple of jumping jacks and make a single phone call. then for the coffee and water in an lamp lit room at an old oak desk i have had for a quarter century. i still don't always know where to situate my feet what with the outcroppings of two crossed wooden legs in the way. there will be this silence amid the brief blasts of furnace and sound of keys tapping. i used to write on paper as a kid but i am a late gen x and got my first mac plus, and what a dream, on my 17th birthday, and never really looked back. i don't often know where to situate myself in my writings, for every author will, but i do try and be honest about life and these days i am working on telling these stories in a more linear fashion, so they can be read without so great a confusion folks give up right early.

the weather broke @ a record fifteen miles -iii

The sunlight was cheering me up and the kind exchanges I had with passerbys along the way. I was softening at a point in the run where I figured I woulda been going into 'warrior' mode. I passed a woman who looked awfully sad and wished I coulda cheered her up. A young man cruised past me on the uphill, doing sprints. There was a lady getting coached on the Guy West bridge, and I thought about my boyfriend who was gonna follow me on his bike today but had to cancel. I think it's just as well - I like to run alone.

 I always see many homeless encampments and the homeless folks either are keeping to themselves or, in my experience, are just as kind as anyone if you give them a shout and a smile. There are pits and labs off leash sometimes by the river, but I found so long as I don't scare easy and just keep running toward them, everything will be okay. Only once (last week) did I change course because a dog was running toward me bellowing. He turned out to be more bark than bite.

The last four miles would prove to be the hardest, tracing the river west on the levee, but by this time I was just a slow train to sacramento and I was able to remove myself from the effort so that I honestly felt my body was its own charge and recharging system (paired with a couple more packs of gummies i stashed in my flipbelt), so all I had to do was envision finishing and get out of the way.

The idea of feeling pain crossed my mind but never really caught hold! Again, training in the heat had acclimated me to a higher threshold of pain. It gets so heavy some days when I finish these levee runs close to noon, I find myself dipping off the trail around sutter's landing (2 miles from home) and splashing the cool clean waters over me to cool off. Today I still had cool breezes coming over me, which made all the difference in the world.

I made it home in 2 hours 45 minutes - exactly 11 minute miles x15 miles = 165 minutes. I made it! My boyfriend is really nice and he took me out for a large Peach Perfection at Jamba Juice to celebrate the victory.

the trembling vine

We are in the thick of October and stab the pumpkins repeatedly with knives after pulling them from the trembling vine. We light candles in memoriam and place them inside the hollowed out heads. Now we can see in the darkness the grotesque faces we carve upon them and smile. We bake their insides and salt and devour. Then we smash them in the streets just to hear the sound. Or let them die another death turning black by thanksgiving, like the teeth in our head eroded by sugars. Halloween. what a blast.

NESS LESS REST

IF i was nude
without my clothes
wrapped in a blanket
feeling soft and thin
lying on your couch
in an industrial space
where the air is cool
but alive

if you were reading
poetry to me and i
was reading novel excerpts
between

if friends were welcomed
through the lovely living 

space without any of age old 

appropriate hesitations

then the rains would slap
the leaded glass
surreptitiously

then the warmth 

between my legs
under your arms embracing

then the electric wait
before touch is over 

and helpless is real and 

beloved this moment 

of all that there is

then the realized 

infinite tenderness 

so palpable!

the fifth force 

validation so soft! loving! gentle!
so needless of words

then way out there 

with us

in the ness ness 

ness less rest
ness less

be still
my memory revigorate
be kind my love
invigorate
pliable me
pliable you

light finds ways to 

the resting shade

it may be wondrous when it does so 

non-chalant. when shadows flicker around 

these high walls 

candle lit

taper not
sweet memory

carry on bold to the next

 precious life never fail! 

never falter! never leave! 

ever last

be still
be kind. let all past present future lives come 

together here. remarkably

anyone who still dreams
lets go 

of all you ever established
cherished institutionalized
yours

come read your little voice large

 into the clear seche vaulting expanse with us. 

up to the leaded glass high and 

ritual drumming of rain

take off your clothes
wrap yourself in new vetements

 for once you are seen 

you are known 

you are you! you are loved 

explored like these pages

 these words 

these letters inscribed now released

upon breath

to honor the air

this moment 

these words from our bodies our ours!

and forever. unsealed and 

exposed to the element

this is now magick

catch fire and cooled 

by the brick