go on

this trying time

the window
left open. sullen faces
walking by

i want to see the best in you
back to books
until i find one

maybe prayer

i foster the light i
castigate the shadows or else
to be subsumed

25.19

the color red
the heat in my fists
transforms when
i wait it out

what is left?
little heartache
it's not so bad
come we can live

together

take refuge

how do you protect
your heart

if you really loved
you cannot

at least you
really loved

change was born there

Sometimes a change you make for yourself make you closer to the people, you know, and you are better for them not just yourself and the ones you love. And I don't know but maybe that was all you could have done to get there, subconsciously so, to the heart aching place where witnessed the birth of a change.

i (you) turn into your (my) arms

Chance set up the constellations
 through which we
astral traveled
legs tangled
deep kissing
hair tangled up
i (you) turn into your (my) arms

i wish you knew how much you always meant and still mean to me
im feeling real bad like part of me died or is lost

 im just gonna be sad and depressed about it all
 and without any closure
 you were i was the only one
 for me for you

 i wish that i could be given a pass
 and i (you) could see you (me) and we could embrace
 and watch the drama go by and smile
 together. again

 its really over
its never ever
 never again

will we never
 work through this?
 why?

 i can understand
 but only if you (i) tell me (you)
 but if you cannot tell me
i can understand that
 too

 i want to thank you. you
enriched my life almost
 every day and
 im sorry we had to go and fuck
 it up with our terrible fighting
tears are coming out my eyes
 right now as i write
 i miss you so bad
 but what do we have?

 eternal
 gratitude for our smiles and the
 kinda monotonous days we
 spent together walking around
 arguing and laughing and holding
 hands. playing the scratchers.
coffee. pastries. chinatown.
 sharing music and rearranging
 all the fucking furniture at 2am
 almost every day. my god.
 the rose garden. the echo glen.
 the walk between Annes house
 and Moss. all the amazing gifts
 we found on the sidewalks! the
 clothes the toasters the microwaves
and printers and tvs and copiers and
 nightstands

 the times we had our place so
setup and clean and we just fell into
 eachother on some secondhand
 mattress somewheres.
 and all the tea. i will
 always remember how you had tea
 for me all the fucking time. wow
 thank you

i love you so much for
 that. and for all the times you felt my
 six pulses or whatever and diagnosed
 me in the eastern style. took your time
 to explain it to me. the wind. the
 dampness. the cupping. the kidney and liver
imbalances you would help me to
 address. acupuncture

the way you (i) cared 
for me (you)

 reading and writing together
 watching tv. whatever
 im sorry
fuck
 what can i say?
 have a nice rest of
 our lives... i mean

your life
my life

- KatYa  based off a letter i wrote in 2012

untitled. pain

i would be gasping
white-knuckled rapping the wood 'til they turn turnip red

i would be feeling better
if i bled

an overt feeling
to be scorched by the sun

i would lament ever opening my heart
again
again and again

am i insignificant
am i
i am

otherwise why would you do it?

chill me
like a drought
in sudden southern rains

KatYa © 2015

years ago lives in there

    

poetry © performance
by Katya Mills


Would i die
for you? - no -
but i die
a little
each day

with a wisp the
shared memory takes
me away

we got so heated
back then
could you believe?
cache of tiny daggers held
up a sleeve

caustic the words
blasted by breath
enamel of teeth
falls to its death

so acrid like two
bombadier beetles
corrosively threading
the eyes of the
needles

you tossed my heart
out the window
i pressed my palms to
glass

how could
the one
i love?

i hate you
back - see? -

the word play
turned to fight
constriction drew tight
dark compressed
the light

oh how we got evicted!
in the middle
of the night!

cheap threaded walmart sheets
cover my eyes as i hide
from the lies

praying for love and
hope to die
why?

because i gave up
on us - too -
it was not only you i
was wrong i
failed to respond
to a grave misunderstanding with
the kinda - faith -
love inspires so
then what
was?

if not love in my heart
for you was it me? was i loving
me in love with you
loving me?

wow
that hurts
to be humbled
like that...

then up out of hiding
all apologies and no
denying

ripped clothes and blood
- desecrated -
buried
in the mud

you would never let me forget
then and now the regret
changes the color of my eye
to a deeper greenish-blue
the again waters
down

years ago lives in there
fears and trouble too
and the craziest thing
is

i still miss
you 

last ache. 2014

eye - eye
- eye

there it is again
some sorta pain

no need to ask
god why

listen to the wind

listen to mister coffee
brewing 4
misses
drinks-coffee

away from the pain
away! (the pain)

(somethin' about they don't understand)
(somethin' about what i did not or could not do)

about hopeless
about helpless somethin' about
less and less
nesses

solace

what a word
what a dream...

what a day i had

fallen asleep by the kitten
to end it

wishing i knew
how to curl
round my
tail

too


poem © Katya Mills
photo © Katya Mills

wish # 88

20 mile bay. by K

if only you and me
could take back time
i would


restore our love




if only
i could

k by k. oct '14

i won't stop

trying 4
your love
my love

no matter
your sad eyes
settled

on the past
at our feet

look up!
i want
your love

your body
language lost
2 me

i open
my arms
like a fool
again

i thirst
what's worse
i dream
in need

alone
i moan
i ache
i smoke

i am the bonfire
on the 5
july

my love
my love
won't stop
my love

my life
has become
an heavy fog
hovering

your love
the light
obscured
my love

your love
my love
my life
a knife

please cut away
the sheets
of gray

and let me see
the light of
day

i won't stop
my love

until
you do
i'm 5
july

i'm through