where

the sun rose and

hopelessness wisped

away. you once had it all i 

wonder where

you are

maybe 

there's hope for you

too

#katyamills

27.20

i had to learn how to live all over again, after the trauma. i didn’t completely lose my ability to write or speak or communicate, but it did something to my nervous system, and i could not think clearly. my thought process was fragmented and tangential. my moods stood me up and walked me into altercations. my thoughts put on a show, racing recklessly into the night. i lived this way for several years. 7 years later i am doing well. i am calm and charged and can talk to anyone and look you in the eye. i am not easily triggered into fight or flight or freeze. i give thanks. i dedicate my life to communicating some hope to those who feel hopeless in the world. with love, from me to you.

found a friend

i found a friend who was out there ever since i met him when i moved to Sacramento almost 7 years ago. He has entered a program at the VA and has found recovery. i am thrilled to know he's makin his way out. every time i visited his profile i worried he would be deceased. appears to have hit that spiritual rock bottom place i know so well, where your life is so low there's no further place to descend to. gosh i can relate. one day the pain is so excruciating there is an opening. an honesty. and a willingness to do whatever it takes to recreate ourselves and heal. hopefully to walk again with a purpose and become useful and able to love ourselves and our communities. i told him, i can only wish this for you as i have experienced it myself. and you remind me of myself. remembering the past. thinking of you. wishing you well.

Katya Mills
20 November 2011

Posted 2011 [a FB memory hit my timeline]: "Though the circles of my acquaintances and even friends is full of the bad, the ugly, even wickedness among us... i find a dialectic, a contradiction in it, for these same people are capable of love and sweetness beyond measure and I am at times grateful. For there are glimpses of the compassionate! crazy! empathic! sensitive! and sometimes even mature and responsible. the locus of overlap may be small.... yes! we are immigrants passing through your mainstream ! fyi....our intelligence runs deep. intentions pure."

foot fall in sole

Sometimes you wanna wonder what today may bring. Even less so when yesterday just sucked. Sometimes you wanna be more careful about whose surrounding ya. Even though whose surrounding you are the most real and tangible of types. Sometimes there is hope. Sometimes you feel hopeless or feel you will never be reassured.

Makes you wonder. Or dream a little. Or to focus on your dreaming, or your dreams after they ended. Wondering about your dreams and what they were. Well you may not have to ever think once upon your dreams to live a full life. But you maybe oughta one time, if you never did before. Some think maybe they ought to wonder, every other day or more. Wondering is like wandering, when without agenda, some say. Wonder is like sugar, some believe, real sweet. Others seem certain that wonder reduces life to less than life like splenda. Accept no substitutes! they cry with certainty in conversation. Then end her.

To the wonderers: Do not worry or give up, though you may be so confused. Life is full of various types and personalities, like vegetables or animals or trees. You will come to understand if you don't. Don't fear if you do not understand. Do not worry if you do.

Small amounts of hope are placed like elements in your chart every single goddamn day, you know. Be grateful if you wish. Be thankless. Be what you are. That may be all you will be.

And those intangible feelings you get, the ones which often radiate out into the fullness of your chest and reverberate along the spine of your intuition? The ones cannot be seen with eyes. The ones which are really undeniable.  The ones cannot be measured yet are just exactly that clear. Let them remain for everyone including you. Though still you may taste nothing. It's okay. True?

Do not let anyone preach to you teach to you reach for you your truth. Promise? This truth your truth, she do not come on like that, unless she do. She may not frequent rush hour traffic lanes. She may like the road dark and open and half of whole. Believe. Believe in her, however she may be. Then she may help you stand up to a challenge. Then you may face the world calm. Then you may countenance all kinds of alarm.

She don't have to have charm, your truth, no she don't. She may be a man, and his attraction quite a force. May she fit like your foot fall in sole, nice and gentle of course.

May your demons be let out carefully as sails in heavy wind.
Young in early grades, pushing the whites out of paper.
Or late.
Toward the end talking to you or themselves and no one in particular,
coloring the sun like an orange.
Talking to everyone who cares and anyone careless, too.
Roll them in tight.
All of them.
In a tight embrace with her.

I wonder if Life is an egg? She is like an egg. She is almost like an egg.
Almost like an egg with the yolk broken,
 if the yolk broke uniformly out in circumference.

I wonder.
Life rolls beautifully like that. Life rolls terribly so.