SEP22

without fail the sun touched the horizon with light and out on the balcony I saw and felt the warmth and stayed until I was calm enough to let it penetrate me. I realized today that I have bought more books than I can read, and I haven't even bought that many books this year. I'm just a slow reader and time goes by fast. ;)

#katyamills

music made of words

this music limitless

made of words

body in park. facing screen 

IP address in the dark

could be Abilene

could be Lourdes

spirit in overdrive

knows no death

on a quest to uplift

any sorry soul's breath

and in so doing 

my own

#katyamills

24 hour variables

an ice cube 

to cool a summer sky

the selfless moon faded

to nil. of course none of this really happened like we thought

they asserted with frozen logic 

from outer space

#katyamills

be with

in a city
for the first time you
don't have to do nothing
but be with
walk around and explore
leave your damn phone
at home

#katyamills

tbh #6

some truths 

are too painful. i dispel

them with ice cream 

and books

#katyamills

19.85

rising in elevation 

through pine forest

deep into fall and a brushing

of snow

few words between us we 

cut up some wood

built a fire 

the shadows jumping

the walls give the room life 

tell me a story i 

don't care if it's true we

make it all up 

as we go

#katyamills

x differential

though miles and miles away we 

wrote the same  sentences typed the same

words struck the same tone hit the same

key 

what set us apart

was my letter x

to your letter

z

#katyamills

honestly i

so i lost it
what can i say
knuckles bleeding
today

they ran up on me
the thoughts rushing
my mind i had to ice a mf
hit me from
behind

picked some flowers
for my momma on
my way home
depleted of color
looking for a sign
fixed on my cell
i cannot see
whats happening
to me

blue bells for
momma a monster
in my heart

don't wanna wash
this blood away

honestly
i lost it what
can i say


#katyamills

wheels

sparrows dip
wings and turn about
the gold fields

tent city at north
gate and sixteenth god
am i lucky

ridin wheels
over the american
river

exchangin words
at the fountain
gettin wet

thank you

spinnin hot
spokes shinin
in the sunlight

close to my
heart

#hk

hong kong. never too far
from my thoughts

all the action in my country
where i am caught. and you
my sister. so far, far away i write this letter
if only to say

we love you
we will not let them bring you down
may we laugh and hold hands may we
fight this together

always be free in our
hearts

airwaves

when you feel unwanted
like static

to airwaves

remember

sometimes
only you
can see see how
essential you
are

stay true to
you

constant

trustworthy
anchored between
stations

even static has its righteous
place in this
world

rock ridge

one kind word

and the new world

opened up 

the obscenity
the hatred
the judgment 

the old concrete

broke apart

one kind word ina city

of water of engine of
fire of steam made 

passage 

to the heart

ina whisper

ina vision

ina friend

love space cadet

we loved to eat we
ate we ate we ate


companionship was immortal life
never gained any
weight
and

 digested the earth
below our feet

and
left us spinning
space
cadets


#katyamills
remix'96

lightning without thunder

through clouds flashes
through eyelids

blanket over tired feet pillow
under head how long is forever? you
let me sleep

the wind
sands
the dunes

washes the truck
dry my eyes on my
plate you let me
eat let me
sleep

time flashes by on our tv
sets. through eyelids through
clouds

lightning
without thunder

it is past our bedtime past
our pastime before
we even know it
and

we even
know it



Katya Mills
remix from '96

pandemic day 20

April 6
Global cases = 1,286,000
USA = 337,000
Sacramento = 442E

NYC is supposed to apex this week, while other major American cities are on the rise. We are definitely as a nation nowhere close to out of the woods. Vaccine not in sight. Testing still very limited. Supply of ventilators dwindling. I went to the grocery store and wore a paper surgical mask. About a third of people shopping also wore masks. Finally I was able to find eggs and italian sausage. I talked to my dad and he says although the economy is facing a serious recession he doesn't expect another Great Depression. He's a finance professional so I took comfort in his words. It was comforting speaking with my brother and mom over the weekend. And my aunt last week. I worked on my novel over the weekend which was the best distraction, trying to stick to my routines. I may take a hiatus on this pandemic diary, as the first 20 days gives you a pretty good idea of what one slice of life was like living through it, if you happen to be reading this many years from now and curious to know. I wanted to capture what it felt like. We certainly have hard days ahead in this city, this state, this country, and all over the world. Yet we are 8 billion strong. The greater long term question is how long can the earth and her atmosphere sustain such a thriving species as ours? Some great minds are certain it won't be long. There is a fascinating global quest to relocate humanity on Mars. I would love to witness this in my lifetime.

pandemic day 19

April 5
Global cases = 1,216,000
USA = 311,000
Sacramento = 390E

The decentralized approach our current administration has taken towards combating the covid19 has not been very effective. The proof is in the numbers. USA has over twice the reported cases of infections than any other country, and this statistic cannot be written off as justified by greater access to virus testing in our country, because our testing has been scarce and targeted only to those who have been most vulnerable and exposed. Trump has let the States battle it out with a wild west mentality for equipment on the global market. Other countries have complained that the orders they placed to pay on delivery for equipment shipped by air were pirated by cash payments directed by US operatives. Germany and France are among the countries in dire need of equipment making these seemingly outrageous claims. I would imagine they are not making it up! Because when everyone is watching a desperate and tearful New York governor Cuomo on prime time pleading for supplies, you can be damn sure no other state governor wants to be placed in a similar situation. The federal government is simply not in a position to help. Why? Because in the two months from when the administration was first alerted to the outbreak in Wuhan, China, those who advocated in daily briefings at the White House for funding to prepare for the high likelihood of an outbreak on American soil, were told to take a hike! And all they wanted was a few billion dollars early on, and then an order to force US Manufactures to produce the equipment needed. For two months our window to activate our finely tuned state of the art support systems to fight this deadly threat got smaller and smaller, until it fell on Trump's hands while he was leaning out the window looking at blue sky asking everybody: what threat? And even today there has been no direct national command to stay home. 8 US State governors still have not yet directed their constituents to do so. The wheels are certainly in motion and have been since I started this diary almost three weeks ago, but can they turn fast enough to save the cost of millions of lives? We do not yet know. I hope so. This could be a great lesson for the climate change deniers of the world. Look what happens when you wait too long before acting, your arguments seated in pride and nationalism. I love my country! I feel we have often led the way with thoughtful and compelling policy grounded in science and humanitarianism. The world has looked to us for answers. We have world-renowned creative thinkers and artists. In this case, the pandemic, I believe we let our allies and ourselves down. We have not been that grounding, protective force with leadership others can turn to. We have been unable to protect our own healthcare workers. The heroes of this dark time are our doctors and nurses and healthcare workers on the front lines. They are like soldiers without sufficient radar, without sufficient armor. Sparked by courage and a spirit, an ethos, to save lives. 

pandemic diary 2020 day 16

April 2
Global cases = 952,000
USA = 216,000
Sacramento = 314E

the pandemic is ripping through the charts. approaching one million cases in the world which we all by now should know is many times higher due to scarcity of testing. i fear for the densely populated areas in the world, Tokyo, Paris, LA, the entire country of India. i find it unbelievable that 20 governors in this great union still have not heeded the warnings, and their citizens are freely mingling in restaurants, at church, work, in parks and recreation together. stop and listen already! florida (often late to lunch) finally demanded people stay home yesterday. there are a tremendous number of retired Americans in Florida, including my parents, in the age group at greatest risk to covid19. the governor of New York has been seen crying on air, his constituents dying, refrigerated freight trucks rolling in for use as morgues. his own brother, CNN anchor Chris Cuomo, has contracted the virus. the death care industry is booming. the stock market is tumbling. museums have been closed indefinitely which created an opportunity for art thieves. they stole an 1889 self-portrait by Van Gogh when he was admitted into a psychiatric institution in France. the painting was titled: The Parsonage Garden at Nuenen in Spring 1884. i guess we are all going a little crazy now.

pandemic diary 2020 day 15

April 1
Global cases = 882,000
USA = 189,000
Sacramento = 224E


One way or another we will get through this. whenever I go outdoors I am comforted by the beauty of the sun, the sky, the signs of springtime, the birds and flowers have arrived! we will see the other side. i am very concerned about the economic fallout. my guy keeps thinking we should stay home from work but i disagree. we may get the damn covid19 even if we stay home, because u still gotta go to the grocery store, etc. i am an essential worker so they want me there and yes, practicing social distancing with colleagues and still able to get in a little fix of social contact is beneficial to my state of mind! its a gamble who gets this thing. the vast majority will be able to ride it out at home with mild symptoms. the 3% will unfortunately end up with their lives hanging in the balance. could be any of us of course. i need my damn job. i need to stay solvent as long as possible. the Great Depression after the stock market crash in 1929 and the banks failing, left people out of work and suffering poverty and starvation for years. nobody wants to believe it could happen in today's USA of economic prosperity but it could and very well may. so i'm hoping to follow the best medical advice, the CDC guidelines, and also protect my livelihood. okay, enough out of me. thank you my friends. may we stay hopeful and productive and may we survive!

pandemic 2020 day 13

March 30
Global cases = 734,000
USA = 142,000
Sacramento = 164E (3.27)

One thing I learned is the covid19 may affect different blood types differently. They are suggesting blood type A may be more susceptible to the virus. I am searching my memory to recall my type, I think it's AB. I am happy to say my hero brought me a thermometer he got at Walmart yesterday. I can't believe it took over 2 weeks to find one. Now in the event I test positive I will be able to quarantine and have all I need to make it through on my own. Some of us will be really really lucky and never contract the virus. Perhaps a small minority get vaccinated a year from now and never be infected. The majority of us can expect to contract the virus, experience mild to moderate symptoms, and get through it safely at home. I have a teledoc and my Kaiser doctor to help me walk through the illness online. Then of course there are the 3% ers who may fall seriously ill and god be with you. Yesterday Dr Fauci, who is the bread and butter of the latest update on covid19 here in the States, predicted 'millions' will be infected and '1-200,000 Americas' will die. This news sent shock waves through my acquaintances. In my humble opinion, the number of fatalities is a great underestimate. There is no way he would be allowed to step up to the podium and give a candid appraisal and be completely forthcoming. Trump finally extended his wish for life (business) to go back to normal to April 30th (previously he wanted the churches packed on Easter, April 12th). I completely understand and do not fault him for pushing for the nearest possible moment to get the economy going. We are looking at a deep recession at best in the coming year. It could get a whole lot worse. Dan Rather was back on the news last night, crying, calling upon the courage our founding fathers. Few are alive today who were old enough to remember the Great Depression. You would have to read a book. Expect poverty and starvation for your average man. Most Americans don't think I could get so bad. But it could. On a brighter note, I personally am hopeful we will get through this and come out a better country. If history is any precedent, we will.

pandemic 2020 day 12

March 29
Global cases = 679,000
USA = 125,000
Sacramento = 164E (3.27)

I realized yesterday not all of California's counties are updating numbers daily. Sacramento and Los Angeles are only providing accurate infection numbers every 3 days. The covid19 transmits through saliva so those little paper masks people wear apparently are useless, as they attract and absorb saliva droplets. I also realize that in grocery stores (where the aisles are not very wide and the goods are essential) people are almost accidentally disobeying the CDC recommendations. Example would be acquaintances running into one another within one aisle and trying to cognitively assess the exact distance between them while simultaneously being fully present and compassionate with a fellow human being they may not have seen in a while. We have a natural inclination (which we must now fight) to abide by our life long training in social standards! So it takes a real conscious effort to distance ourselves at ALL times from others by 6 feet or more. The best way to make this happen is spontaneous communication. Listen, we care about one another so let's be sure: are we six feet away right now? Find your own chosen words and start using them. The two navy hospital ships have now situated themselves on the respective coasts. Mercy on the Pacific (Los Angeles) and Comfort on the Atlantic (NYC). Governor Cuomo is fighting Trump to keep his state from being quarantined, and has described this in language which hearkens back to the Civil War! This would be a declaration of war against the state of New York. As of this morning, Trump has backed off the quarantine. They say such an order would only cause pandemonium as residents of New York would likely start to flee the state. Once again, Democracy as a political system is a funny thing. Any leader has to take into account peoples mobility and, like the stock market, has to take the pulse of public sentiment, which is often a far cry from fact. You have to legislate with people's feelings in mind, because you only have so much influence over them. Personally, I wouldn't want it any other way.