night fight

must we always ruin a perfectly decent Saturday with our Saturday night fight?

#katyamills

25

like birds without songs

red arrows 

stitched in the

wing

god 

we are small

we are essential

now

#katyamills

b

unlike who you
are and what
you do

you cannot trust what
you think what
you feel

to be real

origin story

if you disentangle them
from the sweetest
songs

the roughest elements

you can fashion your
origin story from
there

and uncover who you
were

      and have
become

journal 28

come out of your shell electric. do not your self redact it. expand! you need not be contracted. nor smudged, erased, subtracted. walk past the pails with what the water boil. pour over now and penetrate the soil. coffee grounds for celebration. show up to work nonconforming. refuse to leave! we need you.

know things

there are things you know and oh, did i tell you i know some things, too, like how much i miss you and need you around, to fill up my heart with your being profound?

k @ home 2017

Journal # 01.02.17

I started my day with a cadillac. Home-roasted Sumatra pour over combined with Swiss Miss dark hot chocolate. Some good music in Tycho's latest album 'Epoch'. Now seated at my desk and writing. This is where I love to be, what I love to do. I figure the more I can give myself this chance, the better off I am for you, too. I will give it my all today. Lucky #2017

finish line CIM. 2016

Journal # 07.02.16

There's no fuckin around anymore with my life, I mean, anytime I go sideways and let myself go even just a bit off, I suffer several hours later, usually in the hangtime before I have to get up for work, but also it can destroy my weekends, too. I don't know what I did or if it's just natural aging but it's right in my face and I'll tell you somethin else, well; I kinda like things better this way. Cause I used to fuck off all the time and I could fuck off for days and get away with it. Lots of polysubstance abuse, you know, back then before I got clean, even after I knew I was an addict and drugs were no good for me, devolving, I tended when disheartened to return to the familiar and break away from common decency and back to the tops of far off peaks of despair, looking over my life and sneaking and peaking and using and falling and crying and trying to get over myself again. That's no way to live, you know, but we do it anyway. But my margin of error has disappeared and I'm really thankful, really grateful in a way to feel the pain, now, the age or heaviness or whatever, and I don't do drugs going on 4 years, and I just get beat up by too much caffeine or sugar or too little water or too many carbs or too much sun and overexertion, wow, so I get back to work takin care of myself, right away cause I much desire a better more forthright life for myself, an adherent to a sound personal code and reasonable daily allowance of dreaming my way forward into a kindhearted reality. Whatever the hell that means... and I mean it. I cannot outlast anyone. All I can do is get ina sweet groove and try and stay there and work it awhile so we can be better off by me. I mean contribute my part, live good for someone else to see for themselves how to go about it, too. There's no fuckin around anymore and why would I want to? Seek the joy of being alive and that's it. Give and give some more. Show and don't show off. Accept who you are and love what you have so you can carry that and not need to escape nothin and then they will see the truth in you and it's not pretty or grandstandin or anything, it just is what it is and that's more than enough.

as life is life and living is living

as we watch the world go by and loved ones die as we look into the sky and wonder why. as we get over ourselves and live another day and go to bed after we pray. as we judge and condemn and smile and then we judge and condemn again and we smile and again we smile with our family with our friends. as the light offers ever new glimpses of the same familiar places and ever new plays on the same familiar faces as we see we see again and what we see we remark for its beauty as it is remarkable. and when the sun goes down soft yellow or new white lights illuminate our little private corners and spaces. in rooms in houses in woods do not go so deep anymore or do they. as we feel we feel stronger and better more encouraged as we feel we feel lost in our feeling or scared in our rooms in our homes in the not so deep so darkened woods. we pull the blankets closer. i will hold you really tight as you hold me really tight i will hold on to you and tell you i love you in a whisper and mean it. you will say nothing as we fall asleep this way as a trace of yellow light fogs up the hallway. you left the light on for me because you know my nightmares are less vicious in less than replete darkness. for whatever reason it does not matter. i set the coffee grounds in the maker and set the timer to brew the coffee at dawn for you. i may not wake when you do but if i do you may be certain i will arise to kiss and say goodbye to you.

Journal # 03.10.15

Wanna try something? Try leaving your cell phone at home. Try making a difference by listening to someone without interruption. Try not letting the world cut in on you. Try not reading anything but their eyes. Try writing down nothing but the memory on your mind. Try not researching but searching your immediate environment for what you need. Try asking a different question. Try on a different salutation. Try smiling and being friendly, even when you are not feeling so hot. Try forgetting you are in a rush to get somewhere. Try not mentioning the weather or your athritis. Try to forget politics and sports for a day. Try taking a different, slower, less direct route. Try walking around lost, without any answers. Welcome back to (human) being. Can we love you now?