force

i had a nightmare and woke up and drank some water and when i fell back asleep it turned into a dream. you can try but you cannot force things. if i'm feeling discontent, like i'm selling myself short or worked up into some resistance, i try to locate what i'm fighting and stop. you can allow things to be the way they are and still want to change! just be present with yourself and work on it a little every day.

katya selfie 2019

rose self.y quartz

you coulda been living in a car
you were and
who cared you disappeared off
the lips with a
prayer

rose quartz
the quality to express
you

a pale of having been purified
by trial

only accomplished in
those the world gave
away

ultra!

k survives another ultra

UFOO

One sorry ass good-for-nothing morning from hell, i decided to do something about it. So i had lunch with my brother and spoke to my niece on the phone and texted my cousin, and if that was not enough to make a life worth living, i spoke to my aunt and texted another niece and called my mom and dad, and voila! i felt a little better, like the bear who found the honey pot. What would blast this space ship into another orbit? Oh. The phone is ringing, now who could it be? An Unidentified member of my Family Of Origin!  Next stop: Saturn.

ultra on saturday - 50k in the rain!

#nye

happy nyeto you

from me

early morning americans

struck a balance with all, in the city in the summer after dawn, when the morning bird was heard and the sun at eye level, playin hide and seek behind deciduous trees, while the cat trailed you partways to the cafés, and the barista knew your name without asking, and the statesman laughed and folded his newspaper and nary a phone was ringing, the time was reserved for a church bell and silence. americas were thick with technology, in the cables in the air, and you wouldn't need to care in the early, early mornings. in the city on the streets, face values appreciated and if you looked past the wheels and the burden of homes that were carried, you were sure to find an honesty and goodness that survived any standing recession, knew more than money and politics combined, and had a penchant for pastimes of early morning. as deep as any faith, the devotion. rise and shine, america!

k. early morning devotée

you cannot miss my omission

tell us about it
about your path
they asked

listening and leaning in to me
with wild rambunctious eyes

when this moment arises
I say nothing
or little

I may say nothing later
I may never say anything
at all

or very little

you think you want 

my words

yet

you cannot miss
my omission


it is always a
most spectacular
event

four eyes

run 4 ultra (run 4 life) deux

The single track led us down to our first river crossing and my feet were suddenly cool and wet, but my socks and shoes vented the water perfectly, turns out I would have no trouble with the half dozen river crossings throughout the course. I looked forward to the cool waters. Next we rose up and traveled along a hillside which afforded beautiful views of the forest and the river now far below. There would be a lot of mud in the first 8 mile loop, before coming around to the starting gate and our little ultra village and family. I ran with a nice lady for a while who told me all about her horses on a ranch in Livermore where she lives. There was a man behind me who took a heavy tumble, and we stopped to see if he was okay and he gave a spirited yell, 'it's not a race unless i fall!'

K before 50k

I was in great spirits by the time I saw Tosh (mile 8) who ran a quarter mile alongside me to the first aid station, where I stopped for a tasty chocolate peanut butter bar, and said goodbye to my brother who wished me well. He even put my nieces on the phone for me to say hello before we parted ways; he had to go back home to the Bay Area. I was so happy he showed up for me today.

I got back on the trail feeling good. We made our way down and around and down a few miles to the fire road, crossed and headed down the long quarry road in the canyon which ran alongside the roaring green river for another 5 miles or more. I did well on the downhills, running 9 minute miles. I thought I was in good shape with my belt full of roctane and water bottle full of gatorade, and my potassium salt S-caps. But I realized on Quarry Road that my legs were starting to feel heavy, and I began to worry about my failure to train on hills all winter long. I could be in big trouble! The only elevation I trained on was a 5 mile run up and down the Blue Ridge Trail, overlooking Lake Berryessa in Winters. The problem was I got poison oak on that trail and so I never went back to the hills.

K finishes 50k

No amount of energy I consumed was gonna help me up the side of that canyon, which switched back and forth from about mile 15 to mile 20... it became a truly brutal and endless hike for me. My head got light, legs heavy, and my asthma kicked up, and my hopes of having a strong and level journey like I had running the CIM just 3 months earlier, were dashed. I had to slow and step off the trail to let dozens of runners hike up past me, and several were kind enough to ask me was I okay and offer help. I finally agreed I needed help around mile 19, when one of the 'Safety Sweeps' named Davin saw I was in trouble. He began refilling my empty bottle with electrolyte water, while telling me about his quest to run the coveted Western States 100 mile race before he's 50 years old. He has 3 years experience running ultras, and he's 47 now. Parts of this particular race, the Way Too Cool, overlap with the Western States Trail. Listening to Davin's story helped me take my mind off of the wall...

one and one makes one

with curiosity and presence i go
long on hopeful inquisition with you
the one who volunteered to
come and face me
and talk

kinda cool how we discovered

one and one makes

one

savage

i like to bring a 20 oz genuine thermos to work with me, full of coffee or tea. i like to bring an genuine awakened consciousness, too, as this can be helpful in tricky situations. one goes with the other; if i go without coffee, i may not be completely with you there, and you may need to tell me things twice or knock on my skull and ask  hello? katya? anyone home? please gimme a reprieve! i am in my forties now and have lived through a lot of bullshit. i know nobody hardly respects their elders anymore, true, but aren't i cute and nice enough to be an exception? if you decide not to show me leniency, okay, that's what my nieces would call  SAVAGE! and then when my sleeping consciousness gets properly plied by your orange roughy, well, the savage will awaken in me from any depth of slumber and i will stand on my hind legs and make myself bigger than your ego and we can go UFC - MMA fighting where i shall take your ass properly to ground.

future mma star?

circa 09.01.2011

09.01.11

Posted on September 2, 2011 by KatYa

The truth is confusing, the confusion is disturbing, and reality does not give a damn. My heart holds vacancy for the life of them. and you. Still to attend to the sky in its entirety.                          Sea. The depths grow green to Royal blue. Where all lies over exposeD in a happy residue. Off center in allostasis. From the residual, extract the amplification. Subtract from that all that you already know or believe.  The tattooed kneecap. the hair weave. The eyes tell of suffering behind capri ankles. The wrist-roll up to three quarters a sleeve.                The honesty cannot be found from infusion thereafter. She was left to floats on water boiling. Like a poached egg. Then arises Thick, like crisis in love. Then arises as vapor- Clear

who fell (this fall) in love?

k the self. 2016. october

sure sure sure (circa 2011-12)

Don't go-o   o-o-o
spans the world and
then falls alongside it as
you fall away


from one
another
and left by your lonesome
you
imagine (poorly) what it would be like to live alone

Had you been (alone) long enough
you would not be so worried
about being that way
(alone) imagining (poorly) what it would be like
to be coupled up again and
being one or the other
you cannot imagine
too well

Each morning
(when you come to)
Slap your face
girl. Drink your coffee
black

Wait   don't go
be (mine) said the mirror
be ours

Ours be ob
literate
rated short of the qualite
verite

Ob
long
(traces hold on)
in song

Ob
literate
ate twice as much

Still you lack
still you come back
(comma)
feel
comme lit
vulva hood sensate
clit

Cut yourself
some slack
awkward awk
period (time of month)
once honored twice mocked
breast enhance in the fall
leaves something less
redux

Ack
look at that
rack
smiling eyes over the canyon
few inches average elevation
milk shake nation

ack awk gawk
heart attack

Sure sure sure
if you feel it
do it soon
sure sure sure
new
waxing waning full moon

Suresuresure
whatever
the moments momentum
needs your all you

got your attention

Kinda lead
kinda cheer

sure sure sure but
soon
employ
plot
devise

Sure sure sure
remember
memory
ember
the fire
the flame
flickers
falls out
back
to uncolored
to
the same

More of
less

wants you back...
wants you what
you want what
you track what
you back you
backtrack
ack


You go
getter
letter
deliver
soon
let her
sure sure sure
forever stamps
sure sure
those ones they them
thematic
whatever

Go
show her
get her
let her go
to the hills
to the fields
to the small patches
unseen
unheard of
let her

They will
they will rise
yes
sure for sure
for sure for her for sure
they will
we will
all will
get her

So no
more if ands buts
sew and stitch
soul seven sides spirit ways
and able
to table and blood
blood let
her


--  KatYa, 2016

sun.15

 

Released from her obligation
the sun sank into the ocean and slept
until the dawn

k by k. 2016

Journal # 07.22.16

I am alive. I am a lecturer after lecturing, I contemplate the yolk of an egg. Trying to hold it together. Grinding out theory in multi-colored peppercorn. I am a laughing hyena asleep on a snowbank, all by my lonesome and no one to laugh with. I am a crying hyena, animalistic. I am discontent, swollen with pride. I am chastised by my family without words, someone else pays the bill. I am the taste of salt water taffy on the tongue, I am content. I am the touch you touch after several years forced apart. Together we have a chance, my love, we have a chance.

KbyK. July'16

Journal # 07.08.16

How I feel about 'world news' today...

Book #3 is coming along...

Gotta car wash today...

Trying to keep the faith

in troubled times!

you were headlining. i was redlining

I dated this girl for a long while. We fought a lot, god did we battle. My blood pressure must have topped out several times, I got dizzy. Sometimes I was sure I was a second away from my heart exploding in my chest. She was headlining. I was redlining. Suffering the embarrassment of being overheard by strangers, yelling and screaming. The cops came a couple of times. That's how bad it got. I was in love and I felt betrayed. We were in love and we both felt betrayed.

Promotion is annoying and i'm trying to move away from it. It's not like i need the money, i already have a decent career. Of course celebrity's a fuckin joke in this country, who would ever wanna promote themselves into a known quantity, only to be claymation warped by TMZ? Probably not you and definitely not me. Obscurity is a wonderful home. i wanna appreciate being unknown.

You mostly wanted things to go your way, you wanted me to acquiesce. I was not the type to give in; lawyers on both sides of my family. We were together and I was mostly supporting us, but you tried. You kept saying you were gonna get off disability and get a job because you were not really disabled, and you were a pretty convincing liar. I wasn't in the mood to be mastermanipulated but I had faith in us and hoped for the best. Like growing up. I don't have to wonder why I cannot trust anyone too well anymore.

Just to feel you mean something to someone. like you get me. you appreciate me. thats really fukkin awesome. if i can hold on to that, i wouldnt need to be in pain maybe... and of course, when i stop working on stuff and get passive get lazy get tired and uninspired, the pain re-arises cause when i'm not doing i'm thinking, and when i think too much or for too long, I create imaginary problems and begin to think they are real. I think it would be better to be with someone, just be with someone, listen to them, talk to them, appreciate them, love them.

 It doesn't really matter who.
xxx KatYa xxx

most amazing superlative ever

superlatives are the dreariest thing i encounter over the course of my day. the best this, the greatest that, the blankety-blank of all time. since i cannot seem to dodge them, let me join the party: i must be the least interested of all fucking beings in our systemic accolade olympics. the greatest jade of merit in our meritocracy (for which the lifetime achievement award is insanity). talk radio is all talking in my head while i color my nails with lead paint. my cats sleep on surge protectors so they won't get short-circuited by the drones sculpting into formless shape the thoughtscape of all tomorrows. my mascara has thickened and scrapes the lenses of my glasses, until i can no longer see a thing. i sacrifice my clarity into a datastream bubbling toward and then away from me. leaving me behind. i can't remember shit. time for a selfie.

oh. there i am. looking pretty. looking pretty silly. looking pretty silly with a blog and an attitude. and a cold brew coffee to my dome.

misfit girl in dollar store slippers

The misfit girlin dollar store slippers

wears you out
like you like it
huh

xxx

KatYa

too late it was too late for us

you would not see me until the sun reflected off the moon

i would notknow you 

by then