zoom 40

in the heart of the pandemic 

within six feet social distance of 

an asymptomatic friend you 

contracted death 

surreptitiously 

faced mortality and

survived

 

you planned a great feast

of endless gratitude

table of forty 4

the holidays

by zoom 

#katyamills

brotherhood

Roll the tape! Brotherhood of

backflip off diving board half

toed wild temperate like

pool nerves snapped

towels

pandemic looked pale

in comparison

#katyamills

pre.vail

may the spirit prevail through 

heat smoke and virus 

fire and political storm in twenty

twenty. i push and make demands

of this lethargic clumsy body 

just the same 

#katyamills

may 13

how we missed you
in the heart of the pandemic
we got you second
hand

through rain through snow
upon us

the sunlight
striking

those of us alone
the way we register fear

the wind

how much is lost
without your
touch

tightrope.hk.leadership.manuscript

My thoughts turn to Hong Kong where democracy leaders who have fought for the ‘one country, two systems’ were recently arrested and detained. Timing is suspicious as they know the global pandemic is likely to edge out anything else (no matter how relevant) for headlines. An age old political tactic for sure. My thoughts turn also to less fortunate countries in these troubling times. Covid19 has had a terrible impact on the USA, Germany, Italy, Spain, France, UK, China. All countries with historically thriving economies, mostly well connected and funded, top notch with research and development, technological advances, and responsiveness to crisis. One can only imagine the devastation when it marches through impoverished areas. How will Africa and India and South America be impacted? I worry for the global economy and a second Great Depression. People gathering at State Capitols across the nation, protesting stay at home orders, their jobs and livelihoods at stake. And it is true that for every family every single job is not non-essential. People want desperately to get back to work. We are all walking on a tightrope it seems and for various reasons. The world needs true leadership. Who will step up? So far we’ve seen a few. Dr. Fauci. Angela Merkel. Gavin Newsom. Andrew Cuomo. Anxiety about the contagion and keeping it subdued competes with fear of the economic impact that comes from not working. I feel increasingly fortunate to have my job and my writing habit and my friends and family. Work keeps me sane. GREAT news! my manuscript is complete and ready to be published. I’m grateful for freedom of speech.   #katyamills

pandemic day 18

April 4
Global cases = 1,134,000
USA = 278,000
Sacramento = 390

A foresee a future Hollywood blockbuster film produced by Clint Eastwood based on the life and times of former CO Captain Brett Crozier of Santa Rosa, CA, whose ship is now docked in Guam and whose sailors packed the interior deck and gave him a loving farewell (with zero regard for social distancing) as he walked off the USS Theodore Roosevelt for the final time. Overnight the man has become legendary for crying out for help as covid19 took hold. The Navy relieved him for having set aside protocol at an urgent time (simply demanding compassionate quick responsiveness and flexibility) when any other institution besides the military might have encouraged creative out of the box thinking. Well, not so fast. The White House and several State and regional response teams across the country could also be faulted for the same sort of rigidity. Wait a few months (when we dream this whole pandemic will blow over) and watch the antagonists fall in line in with the hero narrative of Captain Crozier. It will likely require millions of fatalities in our country alone to persuade the narrowest of minds and hearts. It begs the question: can anyone be to blame for being unable to think and feel and act creatively? Probably not. Blame is not a helpful enterprise. Education is a better angle. Education which then leads to informed popular voting which puts leaders, not losers, into elected positions to run the country the way it ought to be run.  

pandemic day 17

April 3
Global cases = 1,041,000
USA = 246,000
Sacramento = 361

I saw an image of NYC firefighters standing in the middle of the avenue applauding hospital staff. In five or six days they are expected to start running out of painkillers, PPEs (gowns, masks), sedatives, and ventilators. One nurse described going to work as 'sheep going in for the slaughter'. The governor is comparing covid19 to a 'slow-moving hurricane'. It's friday and I'm off work. I slept in and awoke to the beautiful sound of morning birds in springtime. The natural world outside is like nothing ever happened. It's my anchor. I took a walk to the seven eleven for a cup of coffee. Plexiglass now separates cashiers from customers. More and more people are wearing surgical masks. The city in the morning is quiet and far from the usual hustle and bustle of a morning commute. Over ten million Americans filed for unemployment in the last two weeks. Wimbledon and the Olympics are cancelled along with the entire sporting season. Kids are fetching chromebooks as school is out indefinitely. Church services are supposed to be accomplished online but several devilish pastors across the nation and in my hometown have been arrested for encouraging their congregations to continue to come on Sunday. The true idiots who somehow rose to power by accident are showing their true colors. Even our so-called leader of our nation ought to take a class in leadership. What ever happened to FDR and 'the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself?'

pandemic diary 2020 day 15

April 1
Global cases = 882,000
USA = 189,000
Sacramento = 224E


One way or another we will get through this. whenever I go outdoors I am comforted by the beauty of the sun, the sky, the signs of springtime, the birds and flowers have arrived! we will see the other side. i am very concerned about the economic fallout. my guy keeps thinking we should stay home from work but i disagree. we may get the damn covid19 even if we stay home, because u still gotta go to the grocery store, etc. i am an essential worker so they want me there and yes, practicing social distancing with colleagues and still able to get in a little fix of social contact is beneficial to my state of mind! its a gamble who gets this thing. the vast majority will be able to ride it out at home with mild symptoms. the 3% will unfortunately end up with their lives hanging in the balance. could be any of us of course. i need my damn job. i need to stay solvent as long as possible. the Great Depression after the stock market crash in 1929 and the banks failing, left people out of work and suffering poverty and starvation for years. nobody wants to believe it could happen in today's USA of economic prosperity but it could and very well may. so i'm hoping to follow the best medical advice, the CDC guidelines, and also protect my livelihood. okay, enough out of me. thank you my friends. may we stay hopeful and productive and may we survive!

pandemic 2020 day 13

March 30
Global cases = 734,000
USA = 142,000
Sacramento = 164E (3.27)

One thing I learned is the covid19 may affect different blood types differently. They are suggesting blood type A may be more susceptible to the virus. I am searching my memory to recall my type, I think it's AB. I am happy to say my hero brought me a thermometer he got at Walmart yesterday. I can't believe it took over 2 weeks to find one. Now in the event I test positive I will be able to quarantine and have all I need to make it through on my own. Some of us will be really really lucky and never contract the virus. Perhaps a small minority get vaccinated a year from now and never be infected. The majority of us can expect to contract the virus, experience mild to moderate symptoms, and get through it safely at home. I have a teledoc and my Kaiser doctor to help me walk through the illness online. Then of course there are the 3% ers who may fall seriously ill and god be with you. Yesterday Dr Fauci, who is the bread and butter of the latest update on covid19 here in the States, predicted 'millions' will be infected and '1-200,000 Americas' will die. This news sent shock waves through my acquaintances. In my humble opinion, the number of fatalities is a great underestimate. There is no way he would be allowed to step up to the podium and give a candid appraisal and be completely forthcoming. Trump finally extended his wish for life (business) to go back to normal to April 30th (previously he wanted the churches packed on Easter, April 12th). I completely understand and do not fault him for pushing for the nearest possible moment to get the economy going. We are looking at a deep recession at best in the coming year. It could get a whole lot worse. Dan Rather was back on the news last night, crying, calling upon the courage our founding fathers. Few are alive today who were old enough to remember the Great Depression. You would have to read a book. Expect poverty and starvation for your average man. Most Americans don't think I could get so bad. But it could. On a brighter note, I personally am hopeful we will get through this and come out a better country. If history is any precedent, we will.

pandemic 2020 day 12

March 29
Global cases = 679,000
USA = 125,000
Sacramento = 164E (3.27)

I realized yesterday not all of California's counties are updating numbers daily. Sacramento and Los Angeles are only providing accurate infection numbers every 3 days. The covid19 transmits through saliva so those little paper masks people wear apparently are useless, as they attract and absorb saliva droplets. I also realize that in grocery stores (where the aisles are not very wide and the goods are essential) people are almost accidentally disobeying the CDC recommendations. Example would be acquaintances running into one another within one aisle and trying to cognitively assess the exact distance between them while simultaneously being fully present and compassionate with a fellow human being they may not have seen in a while. We have a natural inclination (which we must now fight) to abide by our life long training in social standards! So it takes a real conscious effort to distance ourselves at ALL times from others by 6 feet or more. The best way to make this happen is spontaneous communication. Listen, we care about one another so let's be sure: are we six feet away right now? Find your own chosen words and start using them. The two navy hospital ships have now situated themselves on the respective coasts. Mercy on the Pacific (Los Angeles) and Comfort on the Atlantic (NYC). Governor Cuomo is fighting Trump to keep his state from being quarantined, and has described this in language which hearkens back to the Civil War! This would be a declaration of war against the state of New York. As of this morning, Trump has backed off the quarantine. They say such an order would only cause pandemonium as residents of New York would likely start to flee the state. Once again, Democracy as a political system is a funny thing. Any leader has to take into account peoples mobility and, like the stock market, has to take the pulse of public sentiment, which is often a far cry from fact. You have to legislate with people's feelings in mind, because you only have so much influence over them. Personally, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

pandemic 2020 day 11

March 28
Global cases = 597,000
USA = 104,000
Sacramento = 164E

Xenophobia can become a real problem when a nation's leaders are labeling a global epidemic by the region of its apparent origin. There have already been cases of Asians and Asian-Americans being mistreated and assaulted since the onset of covid19. We need to all unite and do what we can to defeat this enemy. Ignorant people will react to ignorant statements made by powerful people. This is an equal opportunity illness! It has nothing to do with race or ethnicity. To those who are authority figures, I urge you: use your words carefully, compassionately! I was happy to learn that both my colleague and the client who went to the ER this week tested negative for the novel coronavirus. It took 4 days to get test results! Abbott Laboratories has developed a 5-12 minute rapid test. Today the FDA approved it. I don't know how long it will take to roll out, but this is great news. American automakers, including General Motors, are supposed to start producing ventilators. Again the timeline is fuzzy for how quickly these can go to market. Vaccines may as well be light years away. Survivors have reported a feeling like 'drowning on dry land' and  'six days all alone' in isolation wards. The saddest thing is how people must die alone, family and friends unable to be by their side to comfort them. In Berkeley the students set up a socially approved distance from one another and gathered together to sing songs. We are social beings! The longer we are forced to go without one another, the greater impact this may have on our mental health. I am fortunate I have my colleagues at work whom I see face to face. Teachers and musicians and artists and therapists are using the internet to stay connected. Any creative way we can find to be together is most welcome! 

pandemic 2020 day 10

March 27
Global cases = 529,000
USA = 83,000
Sacramento = 120e

Los Angeles is getting press, New Orleans is getting press. I haven't heard much from Chicago or Atlanta or Houston or Boston or San Francisco or Miami. The largest cities are projected to go through what NYC is going through now, triple cases every day into an exponential nightmare. India is a country of a billion plus. As the largest democracy in the world it is expected to experience possibly the greatest loss of life of all nations. Democracy is proving to have less defense against the virus, because citizens typically have more freedom and mobility. Today the FBI busted a two bit actor in Hollywood who tried to sell some pills to an undercover agent and who has been banging his own drum to a 2.5 million Instagram following about his purported 'cure for covid19', seeking million dollar investors at 'the ground floor'. He may serve up to 20 years in the federal pen for being a dunce. Meanwhile a friend of mine was waiting in line with seniors early morning at Costco when a woman in front of her fell back with her shopping cart, unconscious. Call 911. It's Friday and I'm burned out by a stressful week and looking forward to a mostly isolated weekend with my cats. Working on my novella. Reading Eileen. Watching Netflix, jogging and cooking. Maybe I will file my taxes so I can hopefully get a refund before the US Government runs out of money.

pandemic 2020 day 9

March 26
Global cases = 463,000
USA = 64,000
Sacramento = 100e

The Sacramento County jail is releasing 400 prisoners to the streets so they can make room for potentially infected new inmates. The reported number of citizens infected cannot be accurate as only people who are symptomatic and have been exposed to others who have tested positive, and have underlying medical conditions, can make an appointment to test. We should but do not have the capability yet to test everyone who is symptomatic. Once we can, we will surely see a spike in the numbers. I am very busy at the mental health clinic because 2 other managers are sidelined, and lately I'm helping to develop telework plans so my team can work from home. These plans were approved today and everyone was cheering. They can work from home for up to 24 hours a week. It still feels like the calm before the storm at our clinic and in our region. The way I figure, the medical crisis will happen first and the mental health crisis will be fast on its heels.

pandemic 2020 day 8

March 25.
Global cases = 433,000 
USA = 55,000
Sacramento = 88

I find peace in my routine in the morning. Getting up before dawn, making coffee, listening to classical music on NPR, writing, stretching, praying, talking with my cats and my love. Driving to work without traffic. Around me is a feeling of 'calm before the storm' as everyone's been watching how events unfolded in Italy, and expecting similar mayhem in the States. NYC is already in trouble. I have had several brushes with local cases. I have friends in recovery who attend meetings regularly at a church in Greenhaven, Sacramento. Two among the congregation have passed away from covid19 and many more tested positive. I had a client who had sxs and then tested negative. As of yesterday my colleague went to get tested, as she supported a client face to face last week who was admitted to the ER two days ago with sxs consistent with covid19. We are awaiting results of those tests. We serve vulnerable populations. Work is getting busier and busier as many employees including my fellow managers have had to stay home. Others have chosen to use PTO and stay home to 'flatten the curve' of infections or whom are caregivers for loved ones who are at greater risk due to age or condition. I have found my mood shuffling from courage to fear to anxiety to leadership, from heavy to light-hearted. Laughter is indeed the best medicine and my inner comedian has arrived. When under pressure I have discovered I am somewhat able to step up and rise to the occasion. If you think you need to get tested and want to arrange to get tested at a local testing site, you can utilize Verily, a medical offshoot of Alphabet (Google), which has a questionnaire you can fill out online or on your phone and it will set you up with an appointment if you meet the criteria (exposure to someone who has tested positive, underlying health conditions). The sites being set up are tents by hospitals and you can drive through. The trillion dollar economic stimulus package got approved last night and the stock market rose 11% which is the largest single day jump since 1933. Trump is dying to get the bull market back because he sees it as a reflection of his ego. All the medical advice contradicts his interest in having people go back to work by Easter. April is projected to be a painful time in the States, no matter how well we follow the CDC guidelines. My family has coalesced somewhat in the face of the crisis. It's hard to stay optimistic. I keep sane by being useful. When home I am focused on reading and cooking and writing. I keep calm at work by using my small authority to demonstrate kindness and leadership.

pandemic 2020 day 7

March 24. The reported total 384,000 have covid19. 16,000 have died. The more i learn, these numbers cannot be trusted due to the limited availability of testing. And, even in places where tests for covid19 are available there are so many more who either are asymptomatic (therefore would not yet seek out testing) or whom are experiencing the virus as something akin to a common cold or flu. Cases range from mild to fatal. So how many are truly infected and carrying the novel coronavirus? Likely 100x the existing data. That's what i have heard. So that would be 38 million and project out to 1.6 million fatalities. And certainly not peaked on most continents. They say there's not a single case on Antarctica. If the last pandemic took 50 million lives and the global population in 1918 was 1.8 billion then covid19 could be expected to take 200 million with population currently around 8 billion. This ratio (and i'm no math genius) approaches 1 out of every 36 people dying. Or approximately a 2.8% mortality rate, which is consistent with the data thus far. i know all this seems morbid and depressing, and i'm not trying to fan the flames of hysteria, i swear! i actually find the math comforting. imagine we are standing in a row of 36 randomly selected people, and god or the universe tells us one of us will be chosen to leave the earth?

pandemic 2020 day 6

March 23. Truth is indeed as strange as fiction. It's ironic how taken the USA was by the zombie apocalypse movies in recent years. Watch out! They look like us, they walk among us; if they touch you, life as you know it is over and you become a zombie, too. Some better known celebrities and figures have been testing positive without realizing they were exposed, including a US Senator from Kentucky, several sports stars, a renowned opera singer, and the doctor of the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, who recently administered her a pneumonia vaccine. Germany has now banned socializing in groups of more than 2 people. The next mandate will have you bumping up against yourself and your reflection in the mirror. You will only have your multiple personalities to embrace. None of this is funny but we need a sense of humor. Someone who's infected need only breathe on you, cough or sneeze toward you, and you've caught it. And you may not know for days. Yesterday I hit the local Raley's and got 100 caps of tylenol, nasal spray, more canned soups, chili, and multivitamins. In 5 days I have been unable to locate eggs, tp, or a damn thermometer to check myself in the event of a fever. I went online and Amazon appears to have a backlog of orders for thermometers. Last night I had some crazy dreams which reflected my greatest underlying subconscious fears like the world falling into complete disarray. I am about to put my face on and go to work. We shall see if my company has developed a solid telehealth plan over the weekend. I'm more than happy to stay busy and I can basically isolate myself in my office unless there's an urgent walk-in. I feel I have come somewhat to terms that 40% or more of the population will be infected. The 1918-19 pandemic came in waves and killed off 50 or more million people. They say it sourced in Alaska among an Inuit tribe, and was easily spread through the military ranks in the first World War. Clearly people were not as interconnected 100 years ago as they are today, and the 'wave' concept spells doomsday for the global economy. The Great Depression may not have been caused by the pandemic, but it sure timed perfectly, coinciding with a stock market crash and the industrial agricultural movement which was to blame for the Dust Bowl in the west. We are guaranteed a recession, they say, and if there's a second wave of COVID-19 in the late summer or fall, we may see a second Great Depression. I have a few things keeping me steady in a time of greatest uncertainty. My family. My work. My cats Bunny and Mouse. Running out on the river. Cooking. Reading. And working on my #WIP : Trouble'99.

pandemic 2020 day 5

March 22, 2020. USA has jumped up in infection cases to become the 3rd highest behind China and Italy. Northern Italy is having a hell of a time. NYC looks to be in trouble going forward. China has been successful in containment, which I have learned relates to the infrastructure they have in place to contain people. So there are some hidden benefits of a Communist system! Today I will be going to the store in search for some of the items that I looked for last week and could not find. Mind you, I could have searched harder and probably found them but given that we are not supposed to move around a whole lot, I did not. A thermometer, tylenol (fever reducer), pasta, nasal spray, garlic, frozen vegetables, vitamins. I have been watching youtube videos of covid-19 survivors. It appears the virus can come on quickly with fever and cough, tightness in the chest, body aches, headache, and within 24 hours of onset of symptoms one may need to go the ER due to cardiovascular issues (racing heart and/or difficulty breathing). Call first if possible to alert them you are symptomatic! This will limit the potential to spread the virus unintentionally. We have to be unselfish no matter how panicked we may feel! Once quarantined, this 48 year old woman in Ohio testified (a year older than me), they gave her antibiotics and tylenol for 3 days than was good to go home and self-quarantine. She had no underlying health conditions. A younger woman reported how she got sick after going to a weekend party last weekend, and she was able to recover at home. She did not experience any cardiovascular sxs. Only through Facebook did she discover that several of her friends who were at the party got sick, too, and had tested positive for covid-19. So you can see how we can be conduits of the virus without ever realizing that we had it! For some it can come and go like any seemingly innocuous experience of cold and flu season. I want to continue to urge everyone to consider 'facts over fear' and stay calm. The only point of terror that resides in me, is the idea of having to go for medical help at some point in the future, and requiring a respirator and treatment for pneumonia, and not able to get one due to lack of supplies. I am excited to learn that the Governor of California is putting together a team of brilliant people including Elon Musk (founder of Tesla and SpaceX) to help shift our economy toward producing the equipment we will need in the coming days.

pandemic 2020 day 4

March 21, 2020. Over 300,00 infected. 13,000 died. The streets are full of life today in Sacramento because it's a beautiful day and understandably, nature is a grounding force for us. I am going out for a run after writing, because I know being alongside the river in the sun will lift my spirits. Provide me with some peace of mind in an otherwise unrecognizable world. Businesses closed. The economy tanking. People wavering between states of fear and anxiety and unable to get together to comfort one another. Services moving off the bricks and into peoples phones and cars and computers. Delivered over flooded broadband internet connections, apps crashing, trying to gauge the load our e-commerce system can handle. Everyone staying at home. Deep in my heart, I am confident I can not only get through this alive, but that I can become a grounding force for my friends and clients and family. This is my hope.

pandemic 2020 day 2

March 19, 2020. This is too unusual an event in the history of planet earth not to record. covid-19 global pandemic. here in the states we first learned of the coronavirus in january 2020 through social media reports of

Li Wenliang
李文亮
Born	12 October 1985 Beizhen, Liaoning, China
Died	7 February 2020 (aged 34) Wuhan, Hubei, China
Cause of death	COVID-19
Education	Master of Medicine (MMed)
Alma mater	Wuhan University
Occupation	Ophthalmologist
Known for	Raising awareness about the 2019–20 coronavirus pandemic

Li Wenliang, a doctor (ophthalmologist) and Communist Party member in the Wuhan Province of China, who had been reprimanded by Beijing on January 3rd for having expressed his beliefs in a chatroom, in efforts to warn friends and family of the existence of the virus, as he was treating people who were getting sick and dying. In many cases the virus started as fever and progressed to respiratory failure. The W.H.O. was alerted of the virus on New Year's Eve, 2019. Ultimately covid-19 was traced back to the Huanan Seafood Market in Wuhan, though it is still unclear if this is where it originated. China and USA are now fighting over origin stories. The good doctor was telereporting to the world how he lost 5 patients in his ward on one single night. He himself became infected in early January, and by the time he himself succumbed to the virus and died, he had become a folk hero. and rightly so! people turned off their lights in 5 minute tributes, spread glitter and blew whistles to honor his memory, and shouts for freedom of speech became louder. The censors could barely keep up removing hashtags. He passed away at age 33 on February 7th. Since his death, entire cruise ships were quarantined on the west coast of our country and the first USA death from covid-19 was one of the passengers, who lived in Placer County, which borders Sacramento County where i live. There are now 200,000+ cases globally and close to 10,000 have died. The studies and projections of cases in this country are predicted to overwhelm the hospital and healthcare system, as they will outnumber beds and access to ventilators. Our president, Trump, has declared war on covid-19, and is utlizing the military and Army Corps of Engineers to try and setup field hospitals in every major city. The projected peak of infections in the USA is an estimated 45 days from now, and we will be overwhelmed. Yet Sacramento, the capital city of California, has only recommended people stay home. Schools indeed have all been closed. Martial law has not been invoked. Yet. It's a strange time because nobody seems to know exactly what to do other than hoard supplies for long potential stretches at home, and socially distance themselves from others. In a few minutes I myself will get ready for work as usual, and drive into the office. I feel i would be better served if i were working from home, but i will do my duty and go in and support my 25+ colleagues in serving our 1,000+ clients who are mostly vulnerable populations dealing with both economic insecurity and mental illness. My hope is to keep the faith, pray to god, and otherwise listen and respond with creative intelligence to a dynamic and emergent public health crisis.

pandemic 2020 day 1

March 18, 2020. These are frightening times. covid-19 outbreak across the world. here in the usa we do not have testing yet available for the asymptomatic, test kits are slow to roll out. i have spoken with acquaintances who have been either in close contact with someone who got sick and tested positive, and yet because they are asymptomatic themselves, they cannot find a way to get tested. statistics are showing 2-3x jumps in the number of cases in major cities, as tests become more available. god knows how many people are carrying covid-19 and spreading it without realizing. though the sacramento region has only had 16 estimated deaths and 150 estimated cases, we know these numbers are not accurate. i myself could be carrying the virus and don't even know. the grocery stores have been ransacked for basic things i need now, a thermometer for instance, soup, bread. i am still going to work as a mental health clinician for an outpatient clinic, and most but not all of our appointments are being conducted by phone. i am trying to keep a positive attitude and a sense of humor so i can help my friends who are scared just laugh. the streets are mostly free of people. going to work is now a welcome escape from the fear and hysteria. traffic unusually light. city unusually quiet.