single form

kindness comes in countless forms

hate? a bitter tea

#katyamills

simpatico

I got out of simpatico when I began to speak the plain truths. It was useless trying to be liked all your life long. No one who liked you would make it to your funeral, anyway, due to the inconvenience. Find a way to be helpful and get out of yourself. You don't have to like yourself, either, I discovered. Self-deprecation was less static and much more fun. There was a dog bit me while I was running up over the rails to the river, yesterday. A little brown Pekingnese with a seething growl rolled up on me and bit my ankle at the joint. I coulda started yelling at the river rats who owned it, about a leash and tags and sorta legalese. But I already was detested enough by their dog. I checked for blood, and there was none. So I kept on running and started thinking how long it had been since I got bit by a dog. Maybe twenty years or more? About time.

Journal # 06.08.16

The kids were at play across the way and I wondered how to set myself loose like that, again, is my only forum in my head anymore? Summer strikes up a breeze from the delta and I know the blues and oughta sing. You keep that inside and you risk intimidating your blood. I have quarantined myself off the frolicking ocean of internet, maybe as much for you as for me. I wonder do you still have nothing to do but play with your phone all day. Is there anyone holds you anymore? I hope you have someone who loves you, sometimes I still wish it could be me. Today like most days I am trying real hard to simply love the life I have been given. There was a time I didn't have to try, I sure was a lucky kid. I have my moments but it's a lot harder to reach the beach. Please don't ever forget that I love you, maybe not as clearly or definitively like when we were in each other's arms, okay, but the memory of us warms my heart and I won't forget the terror of it all. Cause being honest keeps it real.

papier-mâché

When i put forth the greatest of effort 

and try

then left all forlorn
with my    y-y-y-why?

when my eyes
see your eyes
and the eye lashes back


honesty says
look away now
love, look away

how I feel all alone
and your loneliness
too


i wish for your love
though there’s nothing to do



i hate all my wishing
i hate all my hating
hate all my feelings
this way and that


hating you
hating me


and then
get quiet
all turn
to stone



then come dark clouds

fifty thousand dark shades
the long and dark nights

the endless dark days


my ears start to bleed
my sight starts to fail
in exchange for choice words
my Latin, your Greek

choice merciless words
me to you to me speak


the storm in my head wants what happened, unreal
the turning over, my hands, what got stolen, not to steal

i stole from you 

steal from me

away from us
now

the wall between rooms
made of pa·pier-mâ·ché some
how

I would pull all apart! all the glue and the pulp
and i know you would, too! i swear this is
true


i will send out my linens now

white flags on the line
if only to know you 

were part, my design


i will unshape the monsters, tie them with twine
with hair if i have to, to keep unrefined
all the hatred between us
the base, solid kind


above which we once drew our cottons, with care
before they got soaked in our red sea and glare


unmoored
in the midnight dead sky
freshly fallen
lost love


instead i am left to wonder what was
with this broken heart, because and because

surrounded by white flags
and my
why why
  why whys


the tears
the wood floor
now dries


soon to burn
in the hearth of my heart
down below

knowing exactly
what i never wanted
to know

like i need you

i don't need nothing like i need you
so to bleed out
all the lies

predated murderous material mayhem (a poem)

Who can release such metals?
out upon us all?

some time and space bomb
predated to settle with
unsettling precision

we see them to the door
split you the good lord
hit you

you had a chance you chose to clothe
your body in a militant strapped stance
a chance

got violent it was condoned
saw yourself going to be cloned
not sure where you're going
but it's not alone

out in the desert heat
white as a sheet
under the sun
burning
all but the flag

we cannot forgive you
your violent nature
we used you for
tax dollars well
spent

must you forgive
yourself you let
your blood run cold you
find your way
you will
or you won't
it's up to you

what says the door
kissing off an ammo
whore

out into the fire
ashes in your wake
breathing but not awake

murderous material mayhem
polished out your hate

crazed mother
scared so scared
so far from getting straight

our tears come of your hate
your tears come of our hate
what you gonna say?

nothing
cause you're down
half-dead

caught the
boomerang

by the
head

point and very blank was she

hendrix in chalk on J street

What happens when you try and live in the moment

and learn to let the immediate past go

like ashes 

thrown to sea

through air? 

Sometimes it's gonna be salty

the residue

other times it's gonna be so blunt to the taste you might curl up in a ball

i might throw the palms of my hands 

into the fucking wall

And the paint starts to melt 

in the heat 

Just the two of us

expression mutual 

out on the handlebars of our hate 

distribution route

Right. There's no denying it

there's no whisking the dirty truth off your baby button down now, girl

you gotta getta 

hard 

unseeded 

lifeless force field

and sadly

not let the self 

she so embraced 

once

out

Into that space so sacred

that circle

you said

And the dreadful life inside there? 

I mean, what happens next? 

like every half hour

some sea change comes over our atmosphere...

the ghosts pick up on the darkest secrets 

Accept it

as is

learn to restore the wholesome love

we establish

no one can 

no one can

no one can take that away

i love you
         you love me

point and so very blank 

was she
see

memory of a using life. oakland 2012

the dull ache
behind my eyes
in this deadened
room

ima rag doll
i am

a benign tremour
moves
my hand against
me

a blue light
and white
tells
the papered
walls
how to feel

and somewhere
back there
someone's got
so bad

someone's got a blade
and cuttin
up
their arms

i know him
i left him
he pushed me and his
hands into a
mirror

shattered
what was love
or was it?

just a using me
using you

you left me
in this loveless
board and
care

steely-eyed
people talkin
to themselves
and no one
hears

will that be
me? how long
in the
becoming?

bored and careless
days are running
through the
years

down my arms
of sun-scarred wood some
porous lettin
through

the crime and
all the fears

the people turn
away

in this
dark corner
of gods earth

someone raises hell
and hand
and people
turn away

and screams of dreams
the horrors
passin
through

rag doll city
heart of dark
stake and claim
and clawed away

possessive
minded
revolving door

leave me be
some more

find me gone
inside my mind
benign
tremors hold my head

how can i
turn away?

peel back time
peel back the skin
define your days
of dyin

using ways
come back upon us
karma's all i
know

and then my heart
its in my chest
beats out an
ultimatum

your gonna go
you gotta go
please slash and burn
and leave

i see my heart
i feel my heart
i wear it on my
sleeve


© Katya Mills