sun 17 shine

the earth does all the heavy lifting
the sun just shines

today

leave the past in the past

where it was meant 

to be

let the future be unknown

today be like the sun 

let the earth do the lifting

stand up for yourself and 

shine

#katyamills

wheels

there's really nothing wrong with two people coming together for a time, living together, being together, and then having differences drawin them apart, a change of heart, and then lookin for another start somewhere else with someone else. there might be a culture invested in keeping you together or a family that hopes for you to heal. and yes, you could recover, the two of you, you could but it would have to take both of you with all your might to make it right. all the bad blood pooled up like that. it would be very hard. the world wants you both to make it, yes, the culture, maybe even the family. but suns rise and wheels roll and pavement cracks and suns set, and what with all the change you find it hasn't happened yet? there's really nothing wrong with moving on.

three chances

Cancel my subscription to the mobile phone.
Cancel my subscription to the ozone layer.
Cancel my subscription to politics and gas.
Cancel my subscription to lethargy and cable.
Cancel my subscription to drugs and alcohol.
Cancel my subscription to tap water.
Cancel my subscription to other people's pain.
Cancel my subscription to being led on.
Cancel my subscription to recycling the same old crap.
Cancel my subscription to acquaintance by text.
Cancel my subscription to an inside job.
Cancel my subscription to middle east oil.
Cancel my subscription to grocery store mailings.
Cancel my subscription to cage free hens.
Cancel my subscription to ad-free tv.
Cancel my subscription to barnacled rituals.
Cancel my subscription to imperialism under wraps.
Cancel my subscription to liars and thieves.
Cancel my subscription to half the world religions.
Cancel my subscription to new and old waves.
Cancel my subscription to smoking and vapes.
And modern day slaves.

Give me an endless cup of coffee
Give me someone to love
Give me someone who loves me

Give me a song with no words
Give me a room with one window
Give me a book with no message
Give me a laptop with no hard drive
Give me a friend with no agenda
Give me a chance

And I will give
you one
two
three

to be who you said
you could be

Do Not Resuscitate (Journal # 05.24)

No one would wish not to have memory, and no one could argue that living in the moment was easier without it. I had a past I wanted to lose. I thought about it, and this was the problem. I liked a cemetery very much, I found it easier to talk to the ones who were gone cause the dead don't lie to your face or play games. Forgiveness is unresponsive until you breathe some life into it. The First Aid classes do not teach us how. Only the living carry Do Not Resuscitate orders on their wrists. I got over the memories but my subconscious could not let go, all the old situations appeared in different configurations in my sleep.

All I can do is put on my most comfortable slip and fold myself into my most comfortable sheets, rest my head on my most comfortable pillow, with the sweetest feeling of air pushed by blades, accompanied by my furry friends and the softest light on the backs of prayers I hum into space.

Journal # 04.11.15

When i lay me down to sleep last night,
i forgave the world
otherwise insomnia, and flashes of the past
the friendships that went down in flames,
and new ones might not last

What the restless feeling?
watch it wick away
i lit a tea candle into a box of amber glass
with faces on four sides.


Another one had died last year
another man i knew.
i was a year behind in knowing
and now that makes two.

you see i left my past in oakland or so i really tried.

absconded the norepinephrine
left me to die

rolled my life in flour with tilapia,
pan-fried with lemon butter
send me down
the Nile

a truck on a street
no friends and no life
willing to go

you can go to hell if you want
thinking you know all the answers
visualizing a dead end

or stay and discover
live through the pain
do it for someone other than yourself

making most of your time
diving into your passion
immersion in words

that's freedom

Journal # 03.15.15

Aquamarine is the color for today. I found it in a meeting room in Sacramento just this morning. You can call it forgiveness. Don't let these resentments burn you up inside, please! You can do something about it. Sometimes it starts with remembering a time when you did something and felt unforgiven. You wished desperately for some way to forgive yourself, and even when you found a way, you still felt unforgiven -  the one you had harmed never spoke to you again. This has happened to everyone, somewhere along the line. From this memory of your own undoing, you have a chance! The chance is aquamarine. I think it is. Something warm and cool at the same time. I talked to someone I had been scared of for a long time now. Then I talked to someone who I had felt resentment toward, for a short time. In both cases, I made myself stay in the other person's presence just long enough to relax a little. Talk to them. Respect them this way. The feeling was aquamarine. The moment was forgiveness.

Journal # 03.05.15

If I found you now, so many years later, would we get along? What would time have done to us? So many years and you expect time will heal. Well, what if time insisted something terrible into consciousness. Dragged its corpse out from under a house for us to see? Then could we meet and have a grand old fight been waiting for years. Or have walked through the fire by ourselves, to a pointed forgiveness. We might even sit somewhere nice and quiet and talk it over. And what if one of us has sharks swimming in their eyes, and the other has backlight of a thousand halos? Then we shall roll up our sleeves and sharpen our nails and show our teeth. Maybe, if we are lucky, we will meet again, you and me. And after all is said or done, we can hold hands.