Showing posts with label love story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love story. Show all posts

Thursday, 26 December 2024

12.26.24 diary

 We walk several miles north to Elvis Presley Boulevard and the Westgate Hotel. I have a heavy backpack on with water and bananas and clothes. My basic black dress over jeans and white Nikes with maroon swoops. Your knees are sleeved and cannot take too much but you don't complain. It feels right to arrive a little road weary. Like our little pilgrimage to the King. Along the way a Buddhist came up to us and pushed a jade bracelet around my wrist before I knew what was happening. She flashed us a generous smile. You dug out twenty bucks and she placed two necklaces around our necks with emerald seated Buddhas hanging off of beaded chains. She did not speak any English and it didn't matter. We offered thanks and loving embraces. 

"It's going to be the longest drive from your house to mine tonight," he tells me. "I'm going to hate it." It's 5am and your thoughts already have you twelve hours ahead. We haven't even checked out of Room #2342 in the Horseshoe Hotel. You watch the morning news while I swallow my vitamins and meds with coffee and perform my rituals. 

The Westgate still has the original clamshell billboard where they used to post lettering announcing his residency. That was back when it was the Las Vegas Hilton and the International. The first thing you see coming in the lobby is memorabilia. His first ever pistol alongside his favorite gun, a .357 which he kept holstered and brought with him, on and off stage. A menu of all the groceries he ordered two weeks at a time. Lots of porterhouse steaks and pot roasts and filets. Five whole chickens. Tomatoes and veggies and onions and bread. A pair of his black boots and photos of him, on and off stage. The sheriff badge he got when he was deputized. A gold watch and his stripes from the Army. A few of his favorite belt buckles. 

We only had one major fight the whole five days and it was the day we lost one another on the Strip for two hours. "It was because we were apart," you say. I love the way you frame it and name it. I love you so much. Who knows how many more years we can travel here together on holiday. I have faith it will be many more but life can be unpredictable and you never know. Bunny and Mousey are almost twelve years old. 

The hotel holds the old world charm. The lobby ceiling is low with recessed lighting and there are chandeliers by the bar and lots of frosted glass and redwood. Big black and white prints of Tom Jones and Bobby Darrin and Wayne Newton and Elvis, and many others who performed here years ago. There is an inscription that shows how many shows Elvis performed in a decade, and every show was sold out. He gave his all to this place and the people who came to see their beloved hero. We walk around looking at all the images carefully like we are in a museum. A lady approaches me and warns me not to go into that room. They are selling timeshares.

You could call something tragic but you don't have to see it that way. All of us are born to expire. Our lives and bodies are like land leases or timeshares, too. The King lived the most spectacular life! Just like the Buddha before him. It doesn't have to be tragic. I offer you something, too, after all you have given me. Not just a hundred dollars of the seven hundred I won this week betting on the NFL ... I also give you faith over fear. The nine miles distance between our two homes is nothing! Distance cannot stand between us. We are always together, like magic. 

Katya Mills, 12.26.2024

Monday, 19 March 2018

recollect

Last night I watched a film took place 3 years before I was conceived in a city located a 3 hour drive from where I was born, and began crying and you comforted me...I recollect so much of my life as it were. I even see where I went astray. But mostly I feel homesick like how life can never be like it was, back then.

Friday, 30 September 2016

chalk it off as existential slowburn -ii

... i dont know how to write this. i want to think before i write, but i cannot. i want to treat this
with the attention it requires. the gravity it inspires. the sensitivity it needs. i am even now
holding back from trying to rush to disagree with you on some of your points you made,
because i do feel differently, yes, and thats okay, yes. however, i cannot disagree with your
overall vision. because this is also what i see. atleast i think our visions of us are pretty
much alike. it doesnt matter if they are or they aren't, though. i truly believe that.


god i feel like im in church all of a sudden. because my spirit is aching. i feel my spirit through
my body in that powerful way like i did on the best sundays in the earliest 1980s, when my family
was a young family, the 4 of us were tight, we had a big old queene anne victorian to tear around
in, a big old lawn wrapping around her, and a little peke-a-poo dog named buttons. its fur was like
the worst case of jerry curls when she was just a pup. my moms radiant joyfulness at having
all of us together singing hymns on sunday, well, it just filled us up, also. but my dad wasnt
really into it. so the kids werent either. so looking back its an aching kind of spirit i felt ...

Saturday, 3 September 2016

dominoes. heaps of clothes -i

We got pushed and shoved until we formed into something bigger than the pushes and shoves, something resilient and not without a heart for a fight. Outcasts on the margins and nowhere else we wanted to be. You could see it in our eyes, night after night. One could tell that's how we hooked up, you and me

all i got this morning is you
all you got is me
and two battle ax lounge ax young
blood kittens

suffer some more and you will
have something

we are daft
      first draft
we are punk

tough shit if anyone thinks they know
how we will work out

peanut butter jelly
and skunk

me and you of all the meanings
could be derived. like the mountains
a long long time ago

even when it was now
me and you got drive.
and never will be
again

i kinda wish sometimes
we were still
friends

Friday, 2 September 2016

unite like a night train unites with the night

september and we were super together and you were natural like a farmer to me you were a farmer and i coulda been a farmer's wife with a farmer's tan and your name written in raspberry juice up and down the curves of my chest and we would not be smiling all the time dripping with honeymoon anymore, for seconds maybe yes, but mostly working and class and working our ass off and classes with glasses cause i don't see as good anymore gettin older, i guess and history looks a little different behind us if we were to look back upon the vistas without falling into it. i would rather fall into you and what you are doing, the hours behind a wheel of a truck, the 12 hour days or doubles, and yes i am single still, are you? if i pull with my arm will you blast your horns? shine your light this way, my love, we could unite like a night train unites with the night but the day will come when we see things for how they really are and would you want me then would i want you? i love you now and you care about me and that is a tasty concoction with shaved ice hoping not to get crushed at the foot of a celery stalk, melting the summer suns into autumn.

Thursday, 25 August 2016

navel (orange) label #3

There are so many ways we came to greet one another, I knew the love was alive by this alone (no stale greetings, no hallmark cards). You came with flowers, I would surprise you from behind the door and rush into your arms... you might call down from an open window, warmly gazing at me on your elbows... I might do my eyeliner up in a signature Amy Winehouse kinda way with a twist... we might pretend like we were strangers, you would act like you were delivering a pizza -- Is so and so home? I have an order for a Miss Mills... you would often be wearing my clothes.
russian river by Katya

Your arrival into my life had been so unexpected. I must have done something special to get you for a gift. I was alone and even lonely before I met you, I wonder now, did that have something to do with it? I would bring you pastries and coffee, your favorite kind. You brought me a paper once you took from the neighbor's driveway. So what? you said, You can tell they don't read them, there's a half dozen on the lawn! (Yes, well, maybe they're on vacation).
sky by K

We like it here in our little earthen corner of the wind sky water joint. Don't we get along swell? I study you within the four walls, floor and ceiling. But never confined, no, always free you are to float toward or away from me and us and this condition cannot condition the unconditionable -- that is you. You drive me crazy, whatever whomever however you are.

Friday, 19 August 2016

roadie of a lifetime

spex of dust were everywhere and still we could not see them. you looked immaculate to me (though sullied by religion the word captured what i saw in you). you somehow had not sold out in a world of sell out crowds. and though it left you virtually alone on stage, without lights or ticket vendors, audience or effect, i would be your roadie. and if only i could, i would be the roadie of a lifetime. doing your makeup in the green room. pear green manicure. strengthening your eyelashes with my famous beeswax and used car oil (i tap it from my very own volkswagen). coaching you in the red room, whispers of unintelligible talking points. making love to you in the eggshell room, comingling of hands and the clock. you have the most striking off-presence, haunting the auditoriums. and after your final bows, the curtains hanging still like they never want it to end, I will hold your hand in the dressing room, fording our river of forgetfulness    -katya

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

you were. i was

you were seeking (someone after work) you were. i was a little something to look at (we were young) i was, on that night (following no one) awake in a different way, unusually done up (tryin to get a charge in the) senseless world (with us), pretty preloaded (bound to be impulsive) both of us and tight (lonely maybe but not needing nothing) that night.

you were.
i was

i was seeking (for so long comin up empty), going home alone (without finding anyone) you were traveling backward (to remember the past) insincerely, we spoke in whispers (it was the lies in your eyes) i knew, your pain (you were)
i was

breathless at first
some difficulty and all alone (just imagine), you gave me someone to envision (someone who could care when caring was all was asked and running a shocking deficit) being with (being with you) and  you were. i was.

we were somethin (material) random. of a sudden (indebted) rolled pinner of a joint. tight (like that). god is good. baked into the bread. wholesome (hearted) and not having to speak (talking about it was always so terrible anyway and made us feel bad about ourselves) was a gift we both were given. you were. i was

something special is about to go off
and may we make (us) last
as long as we
possibly
can

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

as life is life and living is living


as we watch the world go by and loved ones die as we look into the sky and wonder why. as we get over ourselves and live another day and go to bed after we pray. as we judge and condemn and smile and then we judge and condemn again and we smile and again we smile with our family with our friends. as the light offers ever new glimpses of the same familiar places and ever new plays on the same familiar faces as we see we see again and what we see we remark for its beauty as it is remarkable. and when the sun goes down soft yellow or new white lights illuminate our little private corners and spaces. in rooms in houses in woods do not go so deep anymore or do they. as we feel we feel stronger and better more encouraged as we feel we feel lost in our feeling or scared in our rooms in our homes in the not so deep so darkened woods. we pull the blankets closer. i will hold you really tight as you hold me really tight i will hold on to you and tell you i love you in a whisper and mean it. you will say nothing as we fall asleep this way as a trace of yellow light fogs up the hallway. you left the light on for me because you know my nightmares are less vicious in less than replete darkness. for whatever reason it does not matter. i set the coffee grounds in the maker and set the timer to brew the coffee at dawn for you. i may not wake when you do but if i do you may be certain i will arise to kiss and say goodbye to you.

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Maze 2:14:4

In the last episode 2:14:3 Ame is realizing she's not been as nonviolent as she imagines herself to be, and she worries that Kell does not want to be found because she's rejected Ame and her lifestyle. Ame goes to see the orphans to validate herself through them, that she can still love and be loved. It's a diluted way around the truth.

Book Two
Chapter 14:4


Monday, 8 February 2016

Maze 2:11:1 Storytelling

Book Two
Chapter 11
Part 1

In the last episode 2:10:5 Ame finds sustenance and nourishment in love with Maze. Tide pools and Hollows and love. 


Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Maze 2:10:2 Storytelling

Book Two
Chapter 10
Part 2

In the last episode 2:10:1 Ame details the curious love affair she has with Maze, moodswings which take them from the highest of highs to dangerous lows where they seem strangers to one another and the pain is so great he cuts on himself to relieve it. 


Wednesday, 30 December 2015

someone loves you

Someone you love, there's a feeling you're circling them all the while, watching out for them, looking over their shoulder; follow them to market, smile when they smile, across from them on the subway train, flickering light, blink when they blink, in the rolling uneven snaking through the city substreets. Thoughtful to your thinking, cry when you cry. Someone loves you, there's a feeling they're circling you all the while.

Friday, 18 September 2015

i (you) turn into your (my) arms

Chance set up the constellations
 through which we
astral traveled
legs tangled
deep kissing
hair tangled up
i (you) turn into your (my) arms

i wish you knew how much you always meant and still mean to me
im feeling real bad like part of me died or is lost

 im just gonna be sad and depressed about it all
 and without any closure
 you were i was the only one
 for me for you

 i wish that i could be given a pass
 and i (you) could see you (me) and we could embrace
 and watch the drama go by and smile
 together. again

 its really over
its never ever
 never again

will we never
 work through this?
 why?

 i can understand
 but only if you (i) tell me (you)
 but if you cannot tell me
i can understand that
 too

 i want to thank you. you
enriched my life almost
 every day and
 im sorry we had to go and fuck
 it up with our terrible fighting
tears are coming out my eyes
 right now as i write
 i miss you so bad
 but what do we have?

 eternal
 gratitude for our smiles and the
 kinda monotonous days we
 spent together walking around
 arguing and laughing and holding
 hands. playing the scratchers.
coffee. pastries. chinatown.
 sharing music and rearranging
 all the fucking furniture at 2am
 almost every day. my god.
 the rose garden. the echo glen.
 the walk between Annes house
 and Moss. all the amazing gifts
 we found on the sidewalks! the
 clothes the toasters the microwaves
and printers and tvs and copiers and
 nightstands

 the times we had our place so
setup and clean and we just fell into
 eachother on some secondhand
 mattress somewheres.
 and all the tea. i will
 always remember how you had tea
 for me all the fucking time. wow
 thank you

i love you so much for
 that. and for all the times you felt my
 six pulses or whatever and diagnosed
 me in the eastern style. took your time
 to explain it to me. the wind. the
 dampness. the cupping. the kidney and liver
imbalances you would help me to
 address. acupuncture

the way you (i) cared 
for me (you)

 reading and writing together
 watching tv. whatever
 im sorry
fuck
 what can i say?
 have a nice rest of
 our lives... i mean

your life
my life

- KatYa  based off a letter i wrote in 2012