thank you and i mean you

© KatYa

i am nothing and though this belief
if announced to mom or dad or brother
or aunt or nephew or niece would
get a hurtful or dismissive response
i would imagine for i do not dare
tell them but

i am nothing and when i am nothing
and can feel all my atoms spacing
feel all the roominess in there and
wanna rent it out well

i am nothing what would i do with
money it just collects slowly in my
checking account which i do not
know exists until i swipe a card so
i can get something to eat or to read
or to feed my sprawling head

i am nothing again tonight and only
you only you only you may get it
when it leaves my lips and smile
and touch my clasped hands on the
table between us in the bar in the
library in between all the words we
dare to share

and smile and say
so what do you have for us today
Katya?

like flowers

When I wasn't busy fighting for your attention, I was championing my own, to exist in space undisturbed by visual and audio cues. Social media was some hallucination. You could call it a hallucination inside of a hallucination. Any moment one could lose one's body and have to shop around for another one. Humans are like flowers and get erect in the sun. Out of bed. You cannot always see the roots. Black flowers like skin color get the shaft. White flowers went to weddings and funerals. Baby's breath was a delicacy, trembling in a fragile atmosphere. Fertilizer might help like steroids and hormones and minerals and daily chewable gummy vitamins. But sun and water usually did the trick by themselves. Only for a while, though, cause ultimately we all got mowed down or strangled by some or other weed. But hey. No worries. We will rise up again. Hopefully our passwords will still be saved so we can access all our friends.

UNTITLED OR 2015 IN 2016

by Katya

i was weary yesterday and
 better last night i gave up
 this morning digesting
                        carbs
                        painfully

hating myself
like last year

im better tonight
im better for me so
 better for you

happy new year what's
new about it?

i was once a bedwetter
lost my pride and found it
i was better without it

bedwetter without it

can we make myself fresh
can i make ourselves clear
and then what's in there?

you are
you are love and not
loving me

ok

goddam abstract off
the wall

watch where you place our eyes
please

love myself once
the carbs are blown up
gimme a scone

like last year stumbling through
self publication

i am better
without it

Maze 2:8:2 Storytelling

Book Two

Chapter 8

Part 2

In the last episode 2:8:1 the narrator shares some of Kell's history, 'the true pale blue with sad green eyes', her struggle with oxycontin addiction and failed efforts to get help in the past, the doctor shopping, determined to push dopamine to the brain. 

cavity

the past is plagued with
misunderstandings

(some poets)
i mean explorers

still wanna listen to you
shouting up from the
darkness

having found
it

fluoride and baking
soda does tar

save us from a family
to feed (the hungry dentist)

the cavities
still somewhere below
the crown

then how i tap upon
the mysterious
hollow

whats inside

let us rediscover!
the land of empty
self

you cannot fight her. she's the ocean

i went to the ocean and crashed into a giant wave; it was like a slate wall, transparent green. i had only a white undershirt on when we collided and black boyshorts underneath, and the wave did not hurt but it slapped and broke into many liquid particles which could not be traced but pulled my hair down and stuck to my face and neck which felt pretty good, and beneath me everything was undulating with a calling, sucking motion, calling me, fizzing, and i was not scared though i was unlike the giant scaly bodies underwater, deeper out; i knew she would not hurt anyone unless they fought back, you cannot fight her she's the ocean. i did not break in my black and whites, in the rainy day greens and blues of the undertow, i just stayed together and let the ocean cry and pull me, and the salt to dry in the bubbling nest of spit and foam. i went with the ocean and i guess i disappeared, i mean the earth did not know me, nobody looked for me, or if they did they did not find me, but someone missed me, somewhere, i just know it. i could feel them and saw them in my routine kelp readings thereafter. Mostly it was my family, so far away but still caring and loving me a lot, maybe more than i would know, the otters suggested, teaching me the art of cracking mussels. i lay my head on a current, listening to the ocean, and traveled to new lands never before known, in a sea bubbling like soda, the many colors peeking up off the crests of the waves crashing inward far from us on the inside looking back to the shore, and the earth now was scary, dropping off of the level, and the sky quite unfeeling, unhelpful at best, but we didn't care... and i slept peacefully, peacefully, there.

-KatYa, 2016

Song 2016

Thanks to everyone for visiting my website
and supporting my work all year long!
I am SO grateful.

Here's a song i recorded for you...