dressed ina stare

this room. the one window never
saw a sun set never saw a sun
rise

tired yellow light. emotion-driven
words. dawn not yet broken
and who would know

lonely nights in the city
she lay with someone. any shadow
wrapped in sheets

she was meant to be
surrounded by prayers
careful movements
giving hands

and who would know
not this user not this
lover

end of a cigarette
wet. blackened
the other

ceiling dressed ina stare

against his chest
she listened
every man's heart beat different
and none for her



#katyamills
remix 1998

what 2008 looked like

She met a guy on the streets of San Francisco, she was looking to score and she would, like usual and it was two thousand eight maybe, a distant cry from straight, well she met a guy randomly and they went back to his place to fix, and they made it all night in his place, in front of his roommate who was twice their age and they were pretty young, and the dealer was just down the hall, one of a thousand boarding houses in the city, and it was all just a knock on a door away, the instant sorta gratification and the excitement of strangers meeting in the night, and taking a dare, scoring and fixing and fucking and all that sorta nonsense kids in their thirties engage in, and he knew nothing of her past and she knew nothing of his, and they didn't fucking care! The old man thanking her for letting him watch and stare, wow, what the fuck came into vocabulary that night and then the dawn, and they had made it like all night, she thought there was some music maybe but who could remember? When two became one and then smiling when she come and then and there she goes, walking on down the street, picks up the car after a wakeup and a spike, drives a couple blocks back and puts on the hazards in the excitement of the high and the rain, and the flashing yellows and here he comes again, running out the door and get inside! and they drive to safeway for some odwalla and iced coffee and maybe something to eat, and there's an easy connection in the lot, thanks a lot, thanks a lot, and they are smiling and back for some more? until noon when it's all over, but gimme your number, she says, and he is thrilled to put the shred of paper in her hand, cause he knows she's gonna call, a week later, and do it all over again. She drives away laughing and trying to fix her hair but it's so obvious, hell, it's so obvious so let it go and that's wild.

get in line

The morning arrived with birds and doors closing in front of people with their dogs and the sound of keys falling into cotton pockets. Out on the streets the recyclers were busy recycling. News choppers churned through the air. Ambulances on their way to the people who could not wake up. I was doing dishes, and watched through my window as another girl made her way out on to the opposing apartment landing, and down the flight of stairs which led to his bedroom. A brunette this time.

These young girls, most of them had a night with him I am sure. Particularly the ones who lit cigarrettes immediately on touching open air. Good for them. This is what it means in the USA these days, to be an empowered woman. You get to get in line!

dawn of a smile

She had this expression

I will never forget

A smile is not
the dawn of pleasure
when you smile
through pain

may
be the birth of true love

do you remember
the adrenaline rush
of a one night
stand?

do you remember
how he got dressed
and left without looking you
in the eye without
speaking?

defeated in
a

rocking chair
dishevelled hair
nobody care

oh
the lonely day
after 

humming the bars
of secession from
self

you wash your
warm cottons

get faded

search for a friend
to come and listen
and love you a little
braid your hair

an upper
level flat
got raided

when no one was home

hard lives made harder
spare moments

collective belief systems
ran through us like
a syndicate

sunrise palm springs

punishing us

she had this expression
i will never forget
cause it saved
me

the smile through pain
when i told her
my troubles

i saw my pain
in her eyes!
in her face!
on her lips!

through her braids
in my hair