Tuesday, 5 July 2016

no flowers but peaceful anyway

i met myrtle rhymes with turtle where the flowers got wiped out by the heat wave. my cats followed me there, several cracks in the pavement away from home. tomcat stayed home to guard the house. i always tell him 'guard the house' on my way out. he grunts. not sure he wants the job but he sure handles it and we've never had a break-in.

Sentry

world war two in color's no different from world war two in black in white or world war two with butter on toast. or world war two sandwiched between world war one and three. or world war two on skis. and there is footage! Russians blazing down the slopes of the Eastern Front. on skis. Germans surrender. on knees.

Tomcat on watch

myrtle is from North Dakota and im from New Hampshire and we know cruel winters. we just met and we get along fine. just after dawn and talkin up a storm, a storm of words. i wonder if everyone got out of their houses at dawn and followed the cracks aimlessly into one another...

Tomcat aka Rolly Polly



Saturday, 2 July 2016

Review: Tao Te Ching

Tao Te Ching Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Basic
Instruxions
Before you
Leave the
Earth

so don't leave home
without it!

i keep a copy on my nightstand
and its all beat to hell!

View all my reviews

Journal # 07.02.16

There's no fuckin around anymore with my life, I mean, anytime I go sideways and let myself go even just a bit off, I suffer several hours later, usually in the hangtime before I have to get up for work, but also it can destroy my weekends, too. I don't know what I did or if it's just natural aging but it's right in my face and I'll tell you somethin else, well; I kinda like things better this way. Cause I used to fuck off all the time and I could fuck off for days and get away with it. Lots of polysubstance abuse, you know, back then before I got clean, even after I knew I was an addict and drugs were no good for me, devolving, I tended when disheartened to return to the familiar and break away from common decency and back to the tops of far off peaks of despair, looking over my life and sneaking and peaking and using and falling and crying and trying to get over myself again. That's no way to live, you know, but we do it anyway. But my margin of error has disappeared and I'm really thankful, really grateful in a way to feel the pain, now, the age or heaviness or whatever, and I don't do drugs going on 4 years, and I just get beat up by too much caffeine or sugar or too little water or too many carbs or too much sun and overexertion, wow, so I get back to work takin care of myself, right away cause I much desire a better more forthright life for myself, an adherent to a sound personal code and reasonable daily allowance of dreaming my way forward into a kindhearted reality. Whatever the hell that means... and I mean it. I cannot outlast anyone. All I can do is get ina sweet groove and try and stay there and work it awhile so we can be better off by me. I mean contribute my part, live good for someone else to see for themselves how to go about it, too. There's no fuckin around anymore and why would I want to? Seek the joy of being alive and that's it. Give and give some more. Show and don't show off. Accept who you are and love what you have so you can carry that and not need to escape nothin and then they will see the truth in you and it's not pretty or grandstandin or anything, it just is what it is and that's more than enough.

Friday, 1 July 2016

pause into super fun

What I love about life. The fireworks stands have risen like cardboard flowers and stand in church and pharmacy parking lots selling small explosives at small expense, so common people can contribute a bang and a kick out of stars into the dark night and anniversary of our independence not long from now.

Today is the 7th in our latest summer wave of heat. Almost everyone has a roof over their heads. Almost everyone has a freezer, an ice cube tray, water gets frozen and cracked, only to melt down the throat and pissed out steaming, flushed and back to the ground and up into the plants, or out into greater bodies of waters, then subject of the sun and burned into haze cooled into fog, condensed into air, risen into clouds, cooled again at night and dropped...

The opening eyes of children, the tall ones first, all the way down to the middle ones and then the littlest ones holding their hands looking up up and incredulous, just as you all strike the matches and ignite the sulfur with twine and flame made from fluid, the spark off the side of your thumbprint grinding alloy with the flint, rubbing your identity right into it, and your small stars shot into the night with all the others, aginst the rippling flags and melting pot of frozen sugars...

If we could only all see, only see, you and me, from above, all the breaking apart and coming together of material, the tension, the unity. Cries of joy, subsiding, crackling seconds of attention and paper particles confetti the air, then back to subdued tones and complaints and kids running and using legs like trees to hide behind and duck around. Then looking up again and the thunderous sound far above makes you realize how small you are, and the adults become kids all over again. Fifty years or more of this. Rocking chairs on porches and reports like gunfire but without the violence, only to be super fun times, and the kind-like voices over radio. Television flashes through the windows in the dark.

Headlights cast across the knees. Some are walking and others on bicycles, and many now driving away. Listen. Crickets and squeaky wheels. There will be no less struggle between me and myself, you and yourself, and ideally we can be our own best friends, i can be my own as i display the best of my abilities in plain view,  up against the best of yours and everyone else's. Perfectly on hold and iced until tommorrow. Four of swords. Pause into the super fun into the calm afterward.

The material of life. The mercury makes a difference, tomorrow more pressure and harder to breathe. My fair skin is nothing to the sun. The body is much on the mind, is nothing compared to the spirit. We will sleep and wake again into the beauty of the fullness of light and the breakfast table. If I am lucky I will continue to fight my own desires, my own ennui every day, blasting it to hell and confetti myself into paper. Being alone won't matter. Could be a great day coming and why the hell not.