Tuesday, 8 February 2022

one way to live

expect nothing

work real hard

listen well

keep your word 

speak honestly

admit mistakes

honor silence

question the many thoughts

endure the pain

feel your feelings

care 4 those who cannot 

care 4 themselves

show kindness

show courage

be you


#katyamills

Sunday, 6 February 2022

drafting the steam (remix)


out from within
i am burning
a reverse
shot of gin

i patch nightmares
through clothes
mending sorry
lost souls

i am incendiary
a solar flare 
cannot handle 
with care

from samsara
i dream to awaken 
from thanatos 
to you holding me 
close

i am the steam 
drafting
though life 
i do love

#katyamills

Saturday, 5 February 2022

february

on a winter morning i

fixed my bed head with scrolls rolled into 

curls from all the earth's wisdoms


any sign of trouble i

reach up 4 them 


if you've lived long as i have

you know life is chess. think

before you move


#katyamills

cloud for sale. sags in the middle

what with all going on in the world i began to think it a rather scary place and even alexa or siri or the music i streamed could hardly make me feel less insecure about our fated obvious future. i asked google to tell me jokes and laughed for a diversion. then i bought this cloud online for a supposed great night sleep well it jumped out of the box and laid down. later that night it tossed me into my boyfriends arms which could have been seen as bringing us closer together. our insomnia kicked up and my boyfriend got up and left me lying in the center composing an ad. it read: cloud for sale. sags in the middle. 

#katyamills

Thursday, 3 February 2022

Daniela

dispossessed
provocative
her disenfranchised hair chopped
draft copy

the lens
through which she
saw was
rose

wraps of scarves
continuity of thought

in those unlucky lost days
we enjoyed a vodka and maybe a smoke
or ten or never enough

traveled by jeep
through tunnels

the light 
what was left of it

collected
sustained
the fabric
my friend
myself
and
threaded
the dawn

#katyamills

Wednesday, 2 February 2022

Book Review: The Idiot by Dostoevsky



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Read 2 times. Last read October 27, 2020 to February 2, 2022.

I love the way this book wraps up, it was well worth it, after having struggled somewhat through hundreds of pages of half-drunken petty vainglorious power struggles within the web of social strata in 19th century Russia. [No spoilers here]. Traveling home to 'the fatherland' from the Swiss sanitarium by train, our prince makes the random acquaintance of Rogozhin, the second point in the tragic love triangle, to start the narrative. They have a lively conversation and there is little concern that such a well-meaning and honest/transparent man as our beloved so-called 'idiot' could get tangled up in such complicated and dangerous affairs. But the saying goes 'if you hang around a barber shop long enough, you're bound to get a haircut.' And he is noticed by those who wish to take advantage, as a clear and easy mark. Everyone's hoping to get ahead. Everyone but him. The prince only uses his royal stock to survive, as he is close to destitute at the start, and becomes quite naturally embedded in society circles in and around St Petersburg. He welcomes it, seeking out the company of not so distant relatives, the Epanchins, upon coming home. A wise thing to do back then, if you hoped to survive. He is in fact much wiser than they give him credit for. Most write him off for an idiot the moment he offers up a single honest remark in their company, making the judgment that he is oblivious to social cues and cannot know his place. The younger ones, however, like Kolya and Aglaya, can cut through the bullshit and know him for treasure and gravitate toward him. Even the madwoman Nastasya takes him for a gem amongst the innumerable sharp pebbles that make up her circles. He has the gift of a loving and compassionate nature, and the curse of falling spells at the worst possible time aka 'dinner parties' (known all too intimately by our beloved author who had epilepsy). Witnessing him navigate the world is a bit of a heartache for this reader. I confess I may not have completed the text were it not for my familiarity with the other great texts of our beloved author. One of my favorite characters was Nastasya, another Lebedev, and a third would be Ippolit, the 18 year old boy dying of consumption who knows his time is up. If you read Dostoyevsky's biography, you will find a lifetime full of tragedy: the loss of 2 of his children (one just after birth, the other from an epileptic seizure), his first wife, and both his parents when he was just a teenager. He himself was sentenced to 4-5 years in the work camps in Siberia for the terrible crime of joining a literary circle and reading banned letters! Could anything be more Russian? He himself was condemned to death by firing squad and was already out on the square trying to make sense of his own life and untimely death before the Tsar called it off last minute. True story! Ippolit and the prince to me represent the tragic figures who sound out the author's own strange and terrible experiences in life, and then let us listen to the voices as they echo through the canyons, trying and perhaps honestly failing to make sense of them. Having read the final page of this 600+ enormity, I am left with a sense of relief and gratitude for life, which comes without clear instructions for how exactly to live it, yet here we are provided a stern and dire warning: don't ever think you can escape the influence of society.

Tuesday, 1 February 2022

the idiot

in the year of the tiger

i promise myself to hunt down good books

in the protagonist i see

myself. awkward at the party 

inflated with passion of they convictions

breaking the matriarch's cherished vase

i laugh and go to bed


#katyamills