theory.orientation

When asked what is my theoretical orientation, i have to consider the latest and greatest changes and developments both internal (to me) and external (around me). so my answer definitely changes from year to year... at the moment, in regards to conducting therapy, i would describe my orientation as so... i continue to try and meet people non-judgmentally with unconditional hope and regard. i consider them courageous for coming to therapy, and consider myself blessed to be brought into their world to travel alongside them for a while until their stated goals have been met. i do try and listen carefully so i can understand their challenges, and also to listen for nonverbal communications, and acknowledge what lies in the spaces between the words. i am process-oriented, and like to slow down the pace and leave room for affect and feelings. i want to see challenges from a holistic perspective, taking into account bio psychosocial and spiritual aspects. Therapeutic alliance is an important as a means for us to work in the moment on relationship, an opportunity, and I like to reflect back to a client what I am hearing as they share their story, so they can see how they come across. Finally, I like to encourage people to identify their personal talents and strengths, so that they can amplify these narratives to build self-esteem and see what they are capable of accomplishing in the world.

six

you told me again how it happened. you found a diary from two years ago, and read me an entry from a single day. what you wrote came to pass. you got to feeling good about yourself. you were tired of living in a room and board. you stopped taking your meds when they ran out. before long, there would be empty bottles of vodka under your bed. you lost touch with reality. you stopped returning calls and closed your door, and began to drown. again...this is not the first time we have said goodbye. i make sure to hold on longer because i know how bad it gets when you fall. i am just a counselor, tangential to your life. you have worked so hard this time, i'm proud of you. you inspired the others. i hope we won't see you here again but if we do, we will be family and embrace you.

in a fashion of caring

These days I see people in a sacred space who are tragically depressed, like they can hardly get themselves out of the house and make it to session. I see people who are in abusive relationships and sometimes with themselves. I see myself seeing people and I don't know how to help. All the stuff they taught me not always on the ready. What ends up happening is I help create the sacred space in which I see them, and we meet there, and I invite them there again, and I'm not always making any money cuz I volunteer, too, so I may be tired and permanently jetlagged by my nightshift, and I'm sure they see me tired and tryin to pay close attention cuz I care, and hopefully, just hopefully, they will realize they are worth caring for and start to care for themselves a little more, too, but even if they don't, well that's okay, too.

in memoriam - Jennifer M.

You were my friend. You had reached out to me in January of this year, randomly, and I was so glad to hear from you, I don't know why I did not follow the way to see if we could hook up for a moment in this life, one last time? Life gets chaotic and there's nothing much you can do. Suddenly starts, suddenly ends, and gradually you realize you never know when. We can try, though, and that's exactly what I forgot to do, about you. Jennifer Mendiola aka Alana Kane. I will miss your enduring smile. I cried very hard tonight when I discovered you sailed out on a Ghost Ship and never to return. The clock struck midnight and you and your lover, you were dancing, you were gone. I remember back in 2009 when I met you South of Market, San Francisco. We were counselors at a painful place. Sixteen beds for sixteen lost and homeless souls. I brought my desire to help. You brought your presence and your smile. We got along easily, though the work we had to do was hard and brutal. Just outside those double locked doors in this sanctuary city, people were driven to desperate intoxication and suicidal panic, and all the time. I could not believe you at first, I wondered how could you smile all day long like that? From dawn to 3pm when we got out. There were times I thought you must be faking it, I confess. All the methadone nods of sixteen souls all around us? The cutting scars and track marks? The lonely vacant stares, up and down the carpet stairs. But we knew we could make a small difference in a semi-safe space. Listen to them tell us their stories. Hold them if they cried. Teach them simple skills if they wanted to learn. Laugh like we were family, and for a time we were. Everything about it could be cold, day by day. Yet you smiled. I guess you had just recently been married around then, I didn't really know or maybe I forgot. All I know is we worked well together and kept the place running, which was the best we could do with phones ringing, doors buzzing, and sixteen souls in need of something all the time. I really admired you. I knew I could trust you, you worked real hard and really cared. If I walked in the door and saw you, those early foggy San Francisco mornings, some of that tension, that burden a social worker experiences inside, fell off of me immediately. I could take my earbuds out, warm my hands with breath, take a deep breath and look to you. Talk to you. Get willing with you toward the day ahead of us. I will miss you my friend. I will think upon you when the work gets brutal, and try and smile through.

swan dive off the cufflinks

I'm afraid my cells are not getting enough oxygen but it would take all day and night to try and care for them all, and I would provide 1:1 cellular counseling if I could and send them out whole again. Needy little invertebrates wanna be loved squishy. Just like anyone. I would but I gotta go shopping for a nice suit, Boss julara wool and some fancy matte black flats will do, so I can hit the highway with confidence for the conference next month, and I better find a hairstyle for once in my life. Disheveled cave girl is getting old. LD running and matcha green tea are the only way to comfort the millions of cells facing suffocation. At least they will go out circular smiling, swan diving off the cufflinks.