Tuesday 16 March 2010

Stand tall! (despite it all)

 I have not been uninspired for these almost 2 weeks past. I did not just check out on some spring phenomenon, parachuting dandelion seeds or other such theatrics. I could have. No. Instead i found my energy got wasted  around some petty awful scandalous shit that the male species tossed my way. Now women could take any scandalous ball of gossip and amplify or make it flat. But men have the worrisome habit of personifying a drama such that it be repeated in realtime. meaning my time, your time, their time, our priceless moments together, really. lets not be naive. well. the lifestreaming of a half moon ago until now of my recent drama would clearly elicit the truth for you.
The truth is i have been swimming downriver, gliding quite gracefully, glistening my silver flanks to reflect the divine and really shine. i came upon some powerfully churning eddies on either bank, and though i set course for the narrow between, i found myself against my will and strength taken into lockstep dance with a couple of coarse barnacle bastards. If you are reading, you know who you are. Dont think you would get off that easy, now. Kats got her claws in your petty soft affair. I would call it game, but games dont come from desperation. 
Thr truth is ive been diverted and treated poorly by strangers and less than strangers these days past. I was vulnerable and continue to be for many reasons. I must put the necklace VIva gave me back around my neck for protection. I need to get down and pray and meditate. I must. Turn this drama into vapor dust.
I meet you. I see the best in you. You smile and i smile and we feel we got something. Know the feeling? I put my heart on open. My attention on listen. My eyes over yours. My anime animated and curious, attracted by your niceness. Not unaware of the flirt of your shadow and mine. I have an eye on them in the background of us. Hoped you did too. But no, your shadow grew something fierce and stopped playing nice. Tied a noose in my jumprope. Stole the air out my kickball. Turned the sandpit to asphalt. Shit! No fair! The monkey bars crumbled beneath your weight. I had to be brilliant just to cross the alligator pit below.
 Maybe a couple guys in a couple weeks have really disappointed Opened heart has closed with tremble of sadness. Why was i not worth respecting? Because i trusted you and shared and tried to relate? Tried to help you and me? And what could have been a fine alliance turns into a timewaste. WHy? did u underestimate me just because i tend to set my firewalls to low, emotions to slow absorption? Did u think my spirit so impoverished she would fall apart in the storm of it all you set in motion? I had to carry all your tension. Then throw it back upon you. Fly away, fly away!...(looking to the sky)...flew!
Some pieces exist in draft form over the blue season i experienced. I woke today drained and frightened but determined to get back to form.  not feeling right at all. extremities too far from the core. dreams leaking in through the gap under the door. trying to let these sad misguided souls of men off into any possibility. just off my aura. the day was quite nice, sunny, benevolent. i was a tired painful feeling, I was. were i able to be present i could have felt her touch, the day arisen. but i fell under again, woke and repeated, again, fell under and fell under and got pulled into a roll and rolled into a burn and burned into the sea of my recent life misfortunes i could not shake loose.
Only by writing through it this moment am i finding my way out of the hole. There will be rewards of untold wonders if i can push my spirit through this quaking eruption of seawater and salt. I have transcended storms before. This one looms as gray and foreboding as any. My consciousness stands sentry. Rough waters mirror the stirrings of my deep well of energy. So much has taken away the calm of my soul these past few years. How dare i survive. You did not count on it. You thought i would be locked up or lost somesight somewhere unseen and thank your god again for that. unseen like that part of yourself you saw in me, that part you long ago sold out to history. that which you wish so hard will ever return. so sick you think its gone. so sick you hopeless. seasick and floatless. sunken.
I will love you more, no matter what hate you push.
I will love the part of you got hurt and never healed.
i am trapped by you. i am in pain. but already i can move.
 i am off balance, cannot stand sure.
i have to lie down and try to reset ... through dream.
knock loose the seam of enduring love and passion that fuel the death drive, thanatos. i got to get the hell outside! get back to my true friends. my true family!
we take air to our lungs. 
lungs to our air.
wiggle our toes.
smile and stare...
into our eyes
golden sun sighs!

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