a voice from the locked away place never to be accessed again. collected like ink into my pen

 i am now like a universe, elliptical and spinning, knocking over furniture, ending and beginning, smoking and sinning... i died to become only more who i am, i really died so i could be somebody, like a reduction of a simmer off a pan, buried with a spade, they threw flowers down upon me, above me where i layed, they left flowers on my stone, teardrops by my grave... and i still am, if only they knew i am alive now like a universe, elliptical and spinning, knocking over tombstones, ending and beginning, smoking and sinning... here comes the dawn, all i ever was to you is gone, and it's sad in different ways, we are going through the phases manifold, younger now i'm old and doing what i'm told and it's tiresome getting weary i will have to move along, sing another song, try to hit the high note and hold it very long... my sadness is unlike yours but it's sorrow just the same, and i love who i am and that will never change, i love the hell outta you, out of the cocoon so we can look up to the moon and see things clearly once again, when we were best friends... dear god the memory, if i linger it will kill me, kill me where i stand, on a high rise, rising, in Shanghai or Hong Kong or Dubai or Chicago or Mumbai or LA or NYC or Vancouver or Helsinki or Madrid or Firenze or Berlin or Amsterdam or London or Hamburg or Paris or Brussels or Vienna or Rome or Athens or Moscow or Prague or Warsaw or Dublin or Saigon or Toronto or Monte Carlo or Santiago or Copenhagen or Port au Prince.

may we never suffer the way we suffered then

all the experience has collected like ink into my pen, i can work it out on the pages, you and me, my friend, while the pot of oats now boils over, cascading down the sides, puts the fire out, and now in darkness hides. then we give it to someone who needs it. i hope you feel the same. fumbling with the keys to unlock the deepest mystery... never again. abstract and untouchable. that's okay. you are a little more like me. in fact i know you are, because of what we went through you are always with me, i am more like you, thank you for the lonely nights, gone! searching for something and finding something else. and loving that, too. now we know what we needed was not what we thought, not what we wanted! we may not have a key. let's leave it there, locked away forever. i think so. i think so... i am now like a universe, elliptical and spinning, knocking over furniture, ending and beginning, smoking and sinning. i think so.

manifold #06.05)

Yes i am single and no, i am not alone. i have been protected by unseen forces, many times over. no it is not a joke. not a dressed up way of dreaming with words. it is true. many people will look at my life and think failure, only because they do not understand. some of these people may even be family and this is okay by me. what choice do i have? everyone with an opinion. yesterday someone i have known for many years called me a tragic genius and i take it as a compliment. it is not my opinion. all i know is life has been a dream! really a dream. all what once seemed rock solid, in childhood, got unhinged and started moving and became a puzzle and the the pieces when they fit together, turned into water and rushed off, and the ones that did not fit turned to sand.

i am single, and not alone. i am happy and sad. i am emotional and then i am thoughtful and sometimes all feeling swells up dangerously in me, then short circuits and goes away. maybe i find a release, in the nick of time. maybe i shake it off. ghosts, maybe spirits, surround me. they really want to live through us, otherwise they would not be around us. i can love them, too, i don't need to see them. we have been protected by seen and unseen forces. i know i have. this is not a state of mind, for the heart is pumping and very involved.