january 18 meditation

Today i prepare some words for a reading... i am fighting... i am grieving the loss of a spiritual teacher... i am celebrating what's left of winter in california... i am breathing... i am thinking and trying to stay in gratitude... i am in the past... the future... i am breathing... i am curious... i am noticing how sensitive i am... i am noticing how angry i can get... how easily i can give up... how resilient i am... how i fight for my right to be fully awake and alive... i am lucky... i am fortunate... my life has been funny... tragic... almost monotonous at times with repetitions... life is a reality worth facing not running from... full of things i love and hate and have to accept... fear and anger and sadness are various forms of energy... i breathe into them toward some truth...  with a wish to live and love and be loved.

matching socks to enlightenment

All that confusion in your head has an end. The secret lies hidden in plain view, in your dresser drawer. Pull on those handles. They will knock three times against the wood paneling when you let go. Now on your knees may you witness the truth in woven cottons. The spindly bastards await your efforts to reunite them with their twins. This is best done just after the latest trip to Launderland, with the big sack of fresh linens carried home on your back, opened to a flophouse of orphaned socks. You begin to lay them out side by side on the carpet, segregated by color and size. All the little ones seem smaller than they are, and some you stretch over your toes, amazed they still fit. Some have holes or are grossly disfigured or stained, and will be laid to rest. Their twins, if found at all, shall be laid beside them. Many of the pairs were adopted in a spirit of adventure; the ones with toes, the super furry ones,  fluorescent ones. Look for further uses of these ones, may the adventure continue. You like to cut the toes off the toe socks, and use them for wristbands. The furry ones make for great dusters. The fluorescent ones could be tied to a bike frame. Knee highs could be fashioned into leggings. You begin to feel an extraordinary peace of mind as the painted strips of cotton alongside you begin to mate with the orphans spilling out of the sack. You ball them up and bounce them into a clean drawer with its wooden walls. Nothing like the smell of stale wood and fresh linen. You haven't done this in years! Now all those crucial hours before work will become easier with all the pairs together at last. One last thing before you go. Be sure to take all of the remaining orphans and perhaps elastic the strips together and run them down the side at one edge of the drawer. Compassionately. This way you will still have the chance to mismatch your way to enlightenment.

illuminated (by a screen)

Anything I do not have and want is not gonna change how I am or how I feel about myself when I am alone, is it true? I would ask the internet but the internet may not be my friend. If the ghost comes to walk me through my past many years from now, when I am an old lady staring at the sun through my stigmatism,  enjoy the walk and be bored to death by the hours upon hours regarding the young lady in her apartment typing away at the computer, i mean, the ghost will drift away (hoping I won't notice) to someone else's brilliant past I am sure. Oh well. I am illuminated by my goddam screen. So what. I don't and won't have kids. So what. I stopped doing half the things I loved to do. So what. I'm a gen X internet baby. So what. Anything you do not have and want is not gonna change how you are or how you feel about yourself when you are alone. So there!  xxxx  - K