Monday 21 February 2011

dominoes & heaps of clean clothes

all i got this morning is alot. all i got this morning is enough. all the soft edges of last polite evening, have been pushed and shoved and formed into something bigger than the pushes and shoves, something tough. all i got this morning is tough. tough shit if i think i know how things will work out. between me and her. for me and my cats. between me and myself, you know, i would have mentioned it first off but hey! tough shit. i mean it in all the best intended of meanings you might derive. like hey, suffer some more and you will have something.

all i got this morning is a wood table, a computer trying to keep up. exhaust out its back has not stopped for hours, you know, before when it was soft and dark and unseen. well. i prefer it all exposed. like that fad they had in chicago in the nineties, lakeside restaurants made of old guts of buildings once used to push the meats around, the meats that once and possibly still arrive by train to the hub of the midwest, yes.

old draughty tool and dye factories, fishmarkets, whatever, you name it, you got a price? of course you do, cause check it out! the new money and old money have converged again on downtown chicago only this time, yes, this time, the real estate moguls, the Sam Zells, the financiers, the Donald Trumps, the late afternoon talk show success stories, Harpo Studios, the big guns are out for Lake Street where she begins her long road through the west side ghetto...ooh oh, dont say that then! maybe dont say it now, either, dont wanna ruin the good thing that is the industrialized refurbished tall ceiling buildings early on Lake, like the first half mile and moving moving moving! but going nowhere, the same old sushi on your plate. guess what?

garnish it with soy sauce. yes, soy sauce! on fish! Crystal hot sauce on the oysters you slide off their rocks to your sitting tongue waiting. all i got this morning is waiting. waiting for the unemployment check to come. waiting for the internal to stop isolating and go outside. waiting for the sun. listening to the Doors complete. completely thrilled is all i got. two cats named shy and drama is all i got. and thats more than most can handle. i got my homeless friends looking for homes. i got my home which i dont got very long now, i have been told. i have grown but not grown old. i have been abused and abused i have. tossing my litanies into the fire of the next conjured argument with friends or enemies. all i got is friends.

all i got is enemies. number one on the hot list of those who hate my guts? me. of course, who is better able to hate on you than yourself? you know yourself and between you and god bear witness, well, thats the kind of sentence i got strung out and led to the forest path this morning. sometimes urgency. infrequent panic. lots of bottom dwelling wrath. allman brothers can soothe it only so long. grateful dead? i give them half a marathon and one more song. all i got is my music sometimes. this morning all i got is a cloud and the light so bright its perfectly loud and hurts my head a bit. but i got medication for that. OTC and see what i got? i got meds and antibacterial handwash a tropical sea color blue with bubbles trapped in there like, well, like

Leaders trapped behind their military might in Egypt and Tunisia and Iran and Yemen and Algeria...trapped like bubbles in a cascading tropical blue of facebook ignited what i like to call 'overdue'. ya, all i got is a good good feeling about whats happening yesterday and today, not too many yesterdays ago here now in the two and the ones, i mean we got numerology to look at here, these numbers gotta add up to something? today is february twenty one, twenty eleven. thats

All i got is nine, and that suits me just fine. maybe even hits the mark on the enneagram. they assign you a number, well, you assign yourself one, and get all intoxicated in the mind kinda as you identify with that number over all the others, right, and then, then they have the nerve to tell you only hours later, well its a workshop okay, old sufi wisdom, you cannot possibly suggest you will overturn centuries old wisdom you young sap you? no. thats out of the question. so you do what youre told, and what is right is what is told to you, and what is wrong is actually believing just that. so they say. well, you all now know what number is you, we have had the panels present themselves and discuss and field questions and get all intoxicated over this in a peets coffed kinda early morning attention cause you paid for it at the private university here so its really like a pleasnant day of put into it what you will get out of it usually some sort of spiritual piece to calm your aching heart, well, thats how i sometimes felt, right, out at the break for bubble tea at the break. tough choices confronting us: what will it be? glazed, french, twist, or cake?

All i got is donuts and coffee. and thats alot more than most. all i got is a flat screen tv thats not mine, and a drill i wanna sell, and some inkjet printers that clearly have the land of lost toys written all over their sad sets. not even worth taking the time to list them on amazon, i bet. well i got them too, the ones i relate with. the lost toys of the land of lost toys. the land we did not ask for, nor did we claim. the land of broken heart hypersensitives. the land of no shame. i guess i have no shame, sometimes. but how else would i fall down? and had i not fell down so much? what would i be then? some mother goose? watching thelma and louise a humdred times, thinking on the loose! they're on the loose!

See i got what i want! i got loose! i got free! no one to be accountable too, i got no one! oh. wait. look what i said. i got no one. like i loved it. how strange. how counterfeit.

I got me and my cats, and my girl she got me too. we got cosmos if we want them, and free internet speed! we got windows #7 and heaps of clean clothes all about the floor. shes got my clothes covered, she washes them dry. I cannot keep up. I try and i try. but i got all those clothes. i got them. they're mine. i see them on the floor and realize this truth. my cats jump atop them and topple down or make it, up to the dresser and atop where i make up. my palette now minerals of buff and cream. finishing powder applied before i will be seen. maybe by no one. not even myself. i make myself up and look pretty hot. my webcam thinks so..has she told me? i think not. but i like to believe, you see

i got faith and thats all i got. cause i like to believe! and thats something there! yes ill hold on to all that i got, as i watch the riots in the middle east, gosh, everyone scares me! so hot! what will we do when they warm up our america? what will we say? so half the leaders taken out like checkers so simple. the domino kind of falling of regimes that played mean. meaning they didn't play nice. probably put the rich in ratio like the rich here in our country. why is that so fascinating? its not. they will hold up the evidence. the leaders we supported, the regimes we crutched up. the buttresses lead back home.

i hope america stays true on her path and admits her wrongs. i will try and do the same. cause im a little america anyway, still young, i got that if its all i got. young american like Bowie said, hey, i got my Changes and i can lean still on that, self-supported, barely making ends meet. but ends do meet you know, when all you got is two ends and a strong desire to come full circle into your own wholeness.

Katya 02/21/2011

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