Friday, 11 May 2012

may eleven, twenty twelve. more thoughts on NH.

 Where there are trees, there are fires. Alot of controlled fires in the pine forests of NH. Most of which were smokeouts safely wrapped behind the sternum and tangential to the sacs at the ends of networks that make up the lungs. Alot of lungs in a state of recycle from a quarter century of casual freerolling tobacco pinners, ritual made mornings to calm the whole organism mental and physical, for each and every slightly unpredictable afternoon of attention and presence toward the community here  understood as having slid off benchmarks long since established and become landmarks. Like pine become oak. Hardened to dead solid. Respected like a wall. Not respected so much as a known entity and spoken of as such. Like goddamn it! I accidentally ran the snowplow dead set into the old Oak tree lee side of Smith's rock! Everyone would know what ya meant when you said such. Locally.

The young families of the lakes region NH who sourced locally, were typically well-educated (though often self-educated), working class in nature (with varying degrees of industriousness), lightly scarred by nuclear family proclivities toward violence and insensitivity....misogyny and sexualizing the burden of most women, but taken on and often handled the best a girl can handle trauma. The children were always loved except when they were not. But usually somebody could love each and every child, if that child was not in some isolative place. Men and sons and brothers were still likely in the taking up of arms of diverse typology (anything according to what one could reasonably within the law beg steal borrow or finance out for themselves) when any issue become too emotional or overwhelming to be handled well (settled). Often a family affair of long running depth could end up getting beat back down to size. Most did not prefer this way, however it ran in the blood of many. And so was manifest. Often against the wishes of atleast one pacifist in any family system tied into the Ten (what i call the greater systemics).

Meaning the community and the families that made up the community, was represented by the Ten. Ten being that simple way of moving a decimal point to quickly comprehend larger mathematics by scale. Taught commonly in schools in twenty-first century USA. So plumbers, truckers, traffickers of goods, fences, barbacks, yoga studio owners, microbrew entrepreuners, corner store clerks, cashiers, DIY loan lenders, DIY in home thievery, used car saleswomen, children as young as probably three years old, or as old as forty-five just learning the rudimentary trick. Just push and pull that little black type point in and out the fold, depending on how you are working or manipulatin' numbers, or gettin' manipulated at any given juncture... The lesson of the Ten was a lesson worth learning to most in this socio-economic strata of the country, and worth a few precious moments of what's left of anyones attention span, one would think.

And most everyone did. Except some weren't done being ignorant. Some were overly attached to their Ritalin and or their ADHD or ADD diagnoses. Which was also fine. A choice. And some chose to judge them, but mostly did not. For Ritalin was a widespread panacea to disobedient and otherwise non -compliant kids of the eighties. Some weren't done conning. The others weren't done being conned.

The transactional nature of all human affairs inevitably led to the two aforementioned encampments becoming more or less prominent. Could be as simple as changing bills with a stranger. Here's a twenty for your two tens. A crisp twenty for two old hamiltons. You gotta feel good about that. Hamilton wasn't much to write home about. Certainly no Franklin! No Lincoln. No Clinton. No Roosevelt. In fact, he might just barely resemble a Romney on a cloudy humid poor excuse for a summer afternoon in Wolfeboro, NH.  Romney with an inedible scaleback sunfish on his hook flopping to be released. Romney with a post elect scowl possibly, and straps from the lawn furniture on the dock, imprinted on his back from the weight of him. After an unbearably cold dawn swim. With a bodyguard trying his hardest to just fade into the shadow of a fiberglass laminated bow of an antique wooden campaign cruiser at the bottom of a pencilled in expense account list, waterlogged at the base of the  inboard cover, in that uncomfortable place where one would hope to be able to fittingly sum it all up: where the rubber meets the road! But the road is a lake and not a road, and so casts off the baseboards like driftwood-- but not like driftwood because its not. Maybe a liberal feeling in the atmosphere. Or just a reflection of a mormon element introduced into a state less familiar to mormonism, thus marginalizing the scene. Yes it can get complicated if you stray far from the Ten.

So here you have you with your crisp bill, the Dub,  the double dime, the twenty.  You who may not be done getting conned, and may or may not know it. Or may be an innocent victim. Or an innocent so-called victim who chooses not to be a victim because money is in this case not an object or at least not renting any extra time or leasing any space in your head.

So a real unaffected wise man or woman, according at least to one opinion (if maybe your own, still viable, still counts, like following your own page or blog, for instance). Not perhaps worthy of a half minute of choice words around anybody's dinner table or business meeting. But still extant in the moment. Man and bill. Bill and man. Putting aside all accessories however vital, from cigar cutters to vistaprint business cards to lobster bib tucked away in a tourist destination mariner's rescue kit of some disgusting sort, conceived of and put together by a few frozen asses around a carved out fish hole in the New Hampshire deepfreeze winter, probably a couple twelve-packs into a Meister-Brau and waiting too long for the bass to bite, and not much longer than it takes to jot down somewhere the rudimentary idea to help carve holes into the tourists fannypacks the following summer, as locals are obliged and certainly licensed to do...

Short of theft and long on cute lake crap out of towners hauled home for some goddamn reason no one up there would ever care to know. Nor dare to report. God forbid any such nonsense be found on their person. A great bellyaching hurt would be put upon them, this was certain. For which they would offer thanks. To keep them tried and local true. A kinda purification ritual, no doubt....
Coming back to the twenty dollar bill, the exchange, the con and the conned, and the rest. So crisp it seems counterfeit somehow, the twenty. Like an overstarched shirt collar. Or many, for that matter. Or nothing but starch, hold the collar, light on the shirt. Its own inertia could not be expressed like that, if the one describing the scene actually expected to be a credible witness... unless they were absentee from the class. Or masterful at masking and misrepresentation, which in itself sounds suspicious if not malicious. So?

So here in NH, a great land and loved!! We will have the freedom. The choice to stop and stop at once, no lollygagging about in this soup of crap words (not if you hope to have any kind of decency or respect in this land, okay). Seriously. Wake up. Wake the fuck up. Pretenders stop pretending. Locals suffer and love and work. Work and suffer and love. Tourists tour. Politicians pull up camp for a while. Locals tend to their homes need tending. And charge a prized inflated rate, for sure. And spend the extra on fudge at the fudge shop. And earmuffs and gloves and salt for the winter. Yes. This is how it is done. And no one comes in and does it any different, at least not without any success in effecting change. Not over the long haul. Well...that kind of thing would certainly be rare and not well remembered, by most. Possibly lost in the pines, held out on the mournful chord of any loon any august late night, or june. Possibly held tight and together in the rational of the Ten, or anysomesuchconcept that approaches what the writer efforted to convey, with all the best of intentions. With love for the NH people and land and lakes and all. amen. 

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

86 the tv. installment #2


The negative ionic charge of the failed experiment within an experiment, gave way to a ripple of change from the laboratory through the sub-basement floors, up out through the vents in the concrete, then surrounded the campus and trekked out into the lungs of the populace,  then filtered out back into words which found their way back to the auditors of electric company utilities boardroom discussion of routine adjustments on the graphic equalizer of city lighting.

The postmortem of the day was to follow said discussion. Which details looking back upon any error of operations of anyutility, anywhere. Postmortem. To see what could have been done differently to prevent the death (mortem). Postmortem being the ideal way to accomplish an teaching moment, or a moment like sixties commune idyllic living experiments, or an gathering with L.Ron. Hubbard in the easy way he seemed to have to soothe the collective conscious into a smooth groove. Or any other charismatic, for that matter. Postmortem, because the course has completed its damage, and therefore all passions toward choices and possibilities dissipate. So people can hear people and not talk over them and such. Fascinating. Isn't it? I could go on. But I think I killed it.

Funding cannot be left out of the conversation, if anyone were to be taking anyone else seriously. If anyone were to be on the take. Seriously. Someone must be, or else there is a  vacuum. But the place isn't that clean? I wouldn't sit on the carpet if I had two broken legs. Unless of course, we were on the ever so critical topic of FUNDS. Funding fills all vacuums anyway. We depend upon it like fossil fuels. We know we oughta get away from it, far away, but we cannot.

The fuckin' funding! In that one location on the web which cannot ever be redesigned. For it falls into that central place, potent yet interdependent and interconnected to all threads. Yeah. Like intel or google or apple or microsoft. The proprietary stuff cannot not be leased in order to achieve equilibrium. One can try. One can hope. One can pray. But the spider's gonna be pretty pissed off to come home and find a bare spot of air, then drop down on a mainline thread to the mass of useless webbing on the forest floor.

He's gonna find ya, the spider, and shoot ya full of poison for what ya did. Not looking after the funding. Ya. It's not what you wanna think about most of the time, for sure, you wanna believe your here creating and bursting with energy! (which you very well may be) However do not make the mistake and for a minute block out the true nature of your embedded link to the funding. Try and respect it, honor it, and don't keep all your efforts locked in a chest for no one to share in. (Remember, fun is part of funding). Not if you want to be true to the nature of the life in the world that is yours and mine and ours. Nah, believe me, I wanted to see things that way. I tried to inflict upon myself some kind of personal self and only self-dependency for years. In Chicago. But I could not ever shake it, the funds, the virtual branded image and reality of the funds.

Shit, I am basically talking about the paper chase. USA inner city style.  Those who try to escape this, will be forever accosted by the undeniable truth -- until tears and salt water are all that is left of us. Not unlike water released from a sponge, this process. Which happened THERE!  in that boardroom during the postmortem, when the negative ionic charge wrapped itself around the attendees, the suits, those undeniably in lockstep with one lobby or another.

The resulting counterpunch was like an active element come to life. Most immediate! A positive reinstatement of charge returned from the electric company grid through wire to linked wires hung by telephone pole that.... oh fuck it all! So the TV got turned on again!

That is all that happened. I had no control over it, I swear. And no. I do not want to get into a postmortem on the subject. 

Monday, 30 April 2012

86 the tv



TV. Hold the life. 

(revision of life. hold the tv)
aka (life by lobotomized heads)


Okay,  clocking in an estimated 48 days, 24 hours, 12 minutes, 6 seconds since the experiment called life was set off its training wheels aka independent of its final dependency, the lightbox, aka tv, the experiment conducted upon the experiment called life, labelled simply ...

Operation: EIGHTY-SIX-THE-TV !

 Proved unequal to the challenge of surviving the universe without the support of said dependency (tv). Therefore the stringent set of regulations as usual rained down upon us scientists from some board of some headlining corporation we were supposedly accountable too... (?) and only after the tenth time in as many hours, did we answer the rapping at the laboratory door (a garage back of a brick double decker two flat in an soon to be revealed location). For we all already had advil migraine tabs in us, and yet this little miracle of a pill could not wall out the annoying sound of knuckles on hardwood.

Friday, 27 April 2012

We will have soap opera. Hold the tv.

               I know my silence or my inability to console you had me locked up, frozen in the moment, behind the glass, behind the rain hitting the glass... but no, truly i want you to know you are wrong to think I was somehow careless with it. With you and your feelings. With my own? Na, it ain't so.  I cared and its important to me... if you care about me you will not deny me that I am someone who would do all i could do in a situation falling apart, like you. Because you would, wouldn't you?

 

               You would. you would take it all the wrong way. you would focus your lens on the possibility we wouldnt be alright. you would see hear feel nothing nice. i would cover the other senses you missed. we almost fought over it sometimes, our senses. our lenses. our viewpoints could become physiological. not just witnessed. not just intellectual. not just verbal. we tore each other up sometimes. we hurt bad sometimes the next day. both of us.


konglomerate by k

             Hurt bad, but not just physically. Our hurt went back in from our bruised skin back into the mental swamp of burdensome negative creep land. Luckily there's no tv so you get spared the CSI reenactment and regurgitation of what i just described. Hold the tv may have sounded unfair. for a soap opera, i mean. But now you're glad they held the tv, aren't you? Just like mayonaisse could have poisoned all the girlscouts on that exceptionally hot day they hiked the mountain that was really a hill. five hours of mayonaisse in the sun is fit to kill, i mean. 

            Then both of us left crestfallen and silent. Too tired of not getting to do anything responsible. Too young to be too tired to capitalize nothing. Not even a vertical line over a dot. Yeah, its been learned. But if it's used, it's used to express upset or anger, not so much exhilaration unless the kids are faking exhilaration. It's not hard to do.

 

            We would be waiting then. Awaiting and waiting and anticipating and anti-participating. Anti-anyone who shoved into a bakesale and shoved them out through the in doors. Hopefully some burst of amnesty. This is where the ribbon of hope fluttered with offbeating hearts all a-murmer in the warmer months of the cold comfort climate changes between them and inbetween us. We would be warned, if we were lucky. We would be lucky if we understand emotional mind before emotional mind became a topic in group therapy. 

 

A real fucker. Who gets a good deal? Who really does? As you open your eyes, the way I saw things, well... you lost friends over it. The culture. The attitudes. The competition. The saying shit you dont really mean. The synchronized treading water. The saying and behaving just to hurt someone back because your hurt, right? We can see the scars when the sweat sticks them to your shirt. Or like if i said like i used to make new friends. no! More dead ends. 

bw konglomerate by k

This was cool. this was right. really painful mornings waking up. of course. lots of nightmares, you know. vivid ones. by the afternoon usually felt kinda even, balanced maybe, and the evenings were knock down drag outs with us. Live in a tight space like us, and see how you really feel. You really feel tight screwed. 

 

i was bad off....i was aware of it....i thought a long time about doing somethin' about it....then i tried to do something about it....i had to wait....i had to locate patience in my stressed tired self....it wasnt so hard....i figured things out...i had a working plan with clear choices...but of course i had to deal with the damn Department, and work something out cause i was bad off like i said. They told me about the process and then i stopped working. and then i got a little lost and confused in my mind...for days...and so much for my working relationship -- i got 'terminated'. A difficult word to receive. I cried alot. We cried alot alot alot that day. Well, it was me crying but i knew we were both so sad. 

 

But I would have to take things less as they were gone and never to be again, but more so as they were coming. Faster and faster and in my face. Like a hot desert wind blowing sand into pores. Kinda intimate and warm. Filling up some of that emptiness we shared. Maybe this would continue. Hopefully so. But maybe gone, gone, like a marathon.

Saturday, 31 March 2012

notarize the thighs

Probably should not enter here, a familiar yet faraway voice offers. The voice triggers the visual. A question mark which appears like clockwork (after the voice), like a music applications italicized version suggesting living motion or audible quality conveyed via italics. The image of a question mark in lights and stripes in motion like a barber shop's shingle, barber shop's cylinder of red, white, blue and light.

The aforementioned visual appears before her eyes, our young single white female. She faced the intensity of the light and felt the uncensored whole of what emanated. She opened up to the real, which in turn dropped on her in direct correspondence to the level of her openness, the very real. When real became very real, her eyes opened ever more, from almond shape to marble, it the ameliorated states.

Real and animated against the terrain in front of her. She could dissociate from her environment without losing any connect. Widescreen landscape between her long unpainted lashes. She watches as it spirals, grows, then shrinks away. The question mark is really a loose rendition: and becomes less finite and more lifelike as it swells out and moves gingerly yet with cautious expansiveness through her wide eyed blue ice sky twilight desert land. Crisp and sharp picture, without humidity. This was and is and will be the only visual she associated with this particular voice. Who the hell knows why.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) she does not have time to figure it out, decipher its meaning or relevance to her, and she had neither interest or money to pay some PI or psychiatrist or cinematographer or surveyor to do the work for her.

The thought hardly crossed her mind to hire anyone ever to do anything for her. She never had and probably never would. Very DIY by nature. She inherently disagreed with the tax system, though she paid into it. She advocated for a system with allowances for payment by not only checking accounts and money orders, but payment by community service hours. The dollar bill, though convenient and necessary in many situations she faced, on the macro level she saw how money exchange in the capitalist sytem robbed people of opportunities to put the mind and body and spirit into play.

Which to her was the marrow of life blood.
to be continued...

Friday, 23 March 2012

cold steel got love like us

I remember I once

had her blue steel, brown leather...

Once had her only tone 
metallic gold
finish
for myself

she showed me in

i showed her off



she was an impala, 1980

not quite antique


fresh enough to commute
with me


despite her thirty years
and mine
made sixty


city to city
push 2 pull
she held me upright
i held her pretty
city to city


rough ragged we maybe
seemed 2 most

and funny 2 hustlers
2 kids
just licensed
rollin'
who stopped to watch us pass
and wondered how we came
to be

she and i liked
2 steady

watch the watchers watch
as we steady
dust them

 i roll my head back2 see
through the clouds
of dust and crack

while white wheel snakes
through my black gloved hands


then she rolls us
into the farmost lane
and i kick her


train-in-drive

she kicks back!
bounces us over and

outside the lines

any poles get in our way
get bent



i floor her down the final corridors
of early morning fog...
her old school

pedal steel
collapses the

wide acute-angle  press
2 floor


had had enough of me
she had!

and my panic
patterned 
adrenaline rush
commutes
over the bay

she lived a life
volcanic
ran hot
moved slow
 in a way

with gravity
though

her dance
euphoric
 on my mind
hot by birthright
sweet patented
american steel 

she takes
yer rules-of-road
yer mandates federal
yer ideas of fair
yer fears...
she licks them speechless

swallowed B
themusic-theman-themainstream

 swallowed B

theline-thelinear-themadmadlineage
swallowed B
age-of-madness-river-cess-poolz
swallowed B

into her wake
deconditioned
decommissioned
transmissions.....
swallowed B
into her like history
that which B

swallowed by
the sea

this sucker she

will make you her bitch
and liquefy all the earth
around us
--you and me
both!--
this fucker
will have us
suck fumes

FUCK uuuuuuu!
she whines
ignited
turned over
her oilpans full with

blackblood

lifeblood like
no one never knew


but  i think
strange to say
she may love me somehow
through cold rain and
insect-coated steel?
cause 

that was back then

wasn't that?  her cursing
and groans


cause now she is all
opened up
on open road...
carrying my needy ass again
and she sounds like a ten
out of ten



and she carries us
me and mine and
our kid
eyes full moon
eclipse
 

she marries

our nineteen eighty

static images 
small town to suburban
to urban...


she crosses

the many states
of miss america...
compelling 
telling
turning


toward all
our consciousness...

always
a great distance
incomparable

like steel

and flesh


a safe way aways
sending up steam
behind lawn-hose-sprays

ribbons of rainbow
summer hydrant
waters
in our war against
the roads we travel
the residuals
washed off her


then quiet dripping
in the garage
we left her
safely kept

a safe distance

while we send up steam
beneath showerheads
 in our homes...

safely kept

steady-dripping
the day's residue
toward the drains

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Stowaway taken toward Miss Engine #9

The train depot was popping this spring. The crew assigned this year was a helluva crew, boy! Sure makes a whole lotta difference, from the painted colors of the depot herself, fresh and glossy and thick! to the presence of a henhouse and therefore the wonderful signing into dawn through the roosters' cocky lament. Coins exchanged for sodapop were even polished, alike the shoes, and clearly the eminent steel powerhouses pulling dining cars and sleepers stole the hearts and minds of dreamers and adventurers come to travel.

He found himself in contemplation much of the time, on engine nine. He was a stowaway unless someone somehow mistook him somewhere along the number nine line, for someone else. In which case he was a stowaway impersonating a traveler. This was neither here nor there for him. He would have paid, could he have afforded it. And he would be someone another fashioned him to be, if it brought them pleasure and helped pass the time along sometimes. If he ever got a bad hit or feeling off of someone, he made sure to walk away from any potential affair as soon as practical. But this was not often.

Hat Red striped by K
Mostly he caught the cars closest to the engine herself, so he could catch her in a new way, a new style, an evolution of her wonderful yet unadorned simple force and magnitude. He caught something new every time, it seemed, which brought him untold happiness. One can hardly ever guess how any one man's heart may conduct itself when coaxed out of hiding. On this day, he was lost in the physical, and his mind was weary. But once he had coffee and breakfast, the day lay before him to explore another aspect.

The shadows which held the screen of the apron of the engine so to protect it, shone like light, like glossy black finish over the stones the crew had trucked in from east coast shoreline jersey tidepools. Such a tangible and sharp angled kind of darkness was nowhere else to be found! He marvelled at these otherwise romantic sorts of notions. Then he marvelled at himself marvelling! Then had to laugh for having marvelled at himself marvelling.

As though it were living black. Or dark matter that made itself evident to the naked human eye. These days he travelled by rail more for nostalgia than any clear necessity. But the trips became much more memorable and important. although often in recalling a trip soon thereafter in his mind, He had eyes for only one, Miss  #9, rain or shine. Even your average train hoppin' moonshine runnin' babyfaced red, sunspotted, suffering marked for the road and no goin' back home except to die maybe, if he is lucky, livin' in the shadow of the forties and the bennies and the beats and the new american streets pushing out to sweet somnolence of suburbs. Some could but especially he believed in himself, that he could appreciate the way the nina bellowed out her distinct muffled coal storm call way a faraway, miles between them when he attuned to it. Still, the train would be traveling fast, so he knew he must check his ties on the sleeping bag and belongings.

She demands double knots across just about everything coming across her bow. After the first lemon squeeze city of a ride, he abided her limits and demands. Over the years he began to admire her strength and composure. She stood the test of time well. Her wood wainscotting was clearly cut from hardwoods and the carpentry was evidently master in craftwork, uncracked mostly as it was wherever possible continued off any one slab of wood versus demarcated cut and pasting that came apart over time.

Nina she got edged out by most other ladies in her class, Lost many an critical gunny sack he did, lost bread, booze, tools, workclothes in the past trying to get up to speed  at the very coordinates he got handed down from a friend of Burroughs and Kerouac who was coaxed to hop on out of Chicago down toward Kentucky and the gulf mouthing off beneath it all, Mississippi, Louisiana, you know, like he does (the gulf) after a big old redfish sandwhich which where grits get tastier and bodies lie seven feet above that six foot under condition got standardized across the earth the blessed earth who gives when you work her a little, touch her, rake your metal fingernails down her spine to the small of her back, some knoll rising up above red clay lowgrounds and ive oak is.

Well he would not linger anywhere near six feet down and one foot up, you bet all his five fingers got crossed in concern over it. For a day most likely. Until either he shared how it troubled him (unlikely), or someone who caught the bad end of that energetic response might reach out to him to see how he was. Highly unlikely! he knew.

Pounds fall off of him in liquid salt as he catches his breath on the flat car he timed and marked for his landing right from the coordinates some so-called friend of Kerouac, yeah right, some buddy of Burroughs proffered comme handmedown to the woe begotten known for nothings who continue to live off the land and kindness of strangers. He  took them almost begrudgingly.

 The dude saw the look on his face and was confused, and would have to remain that way, unfortunate as it was. A long trip to have something not clearly understood between strangers, and without the desire to pursue it to its conclusion. Or, within the framework of desire-in-check it was too much effort to express without seeming ungrateful the way his offer sent a pulse shot of devaluation into the hot Irish sourced blood of the man, like he did not simply exude the talent the skill developed behind years and years of trial and tribulation;
 left in the dust half the time in his twenties hungover, one bottle of wine too heavy to reach the velocity needed to catch that bitch! Good old number 9! Her edges shone in the sun exposed prairies and steel flashed like a streak of cobalt lightning passed deep deep pushing into the Dakotas and beyond and flirting sometimes with the border, dreaming of gettin' off her own rails jumping her tracks to catch sweet pasture serenity of Canada, Oh Canada.

Well that kinda pulse pushes him on to greater accomplishments, you know, steamin' hot in seconds the way the fire gets caught in the jetstream and sets upon the hot dry stunned and sunned skin of trees and husk of corn.
Dragon breath! a man who he knew first as the boyfriend of a babysitter -- then later as his dad. If he were to be trusted. Which he may not have been, but for reasons unknown. Something about his style, his delivery, his message, and the way he looked at you like he wanted to believe his own utterances so badly,  which was kinda pathetic in a factual kinda way.
 If that man really was who he said he was...? Didn't look none like him. Didn't act like someone who claimed blood ties. No loyalty. No favor. No ritual but drinking and working and cursing and fucking. And these he picked up more by osmosis than anything else. He followed the man and spied on the man out of curiosity, but desperately avoided most contact, as he feared the man more than anyone before or after....nah, couldn't be! These brief words were somehow enough now to get him into a state of mind that was tolerable, bearable. And so he intended to go on living. And did.

His love affair with Engine #9 continued. He washed himself in her sights and sounds, smells, and the many diverse feelings which their path together up and down mountainsides and into tunnels, then winding around bucolic mesmerizing untouched pine and deciduous groves.


She really might never know what it feels like to be together, he suddenly thought one day after a lunch of tuna fish and pretzels, reflecting one time on the great divide and horrilbe partition between a steam engine and a human made of flesh and bone. How had he neglected this earlier? Such a critically important topic, it so suddenly seemed! Panic fell upon him, once anxiety let him up. A horrible mantra began to recite itself on the inner walls of his mind. This mantra was one better left alone and not repeated. And so he kept it to himself until it died an unremarkable death.
Silence took over, wonderfully so.
When this particular adventure on Nina came to completion, he walked away feeling broken-hearted yet unable to know what to do with the persisting nature of the persecutory feeling that the love could never survive and was a hopeless kinda love, after all.

Superficial seems the best way to cross the river Lethe. Or so he decided. He had read about that river in his parents church when he was a boy. Lethe. This was the river, the one of forgetfulness. How could anyone forget that much?
Man Under Table Under Light by K
Anyway, he knew what mostly worked for him. So he followed his own advice some more. He changed his life around to match his private thoughts and understandings. Thus he became one of those who frequented tenement buildings. Not at first to reside, for he needed to procure that job at the magazine store. Then he got the job and all things became possible. Minimum wage + a little on top. And nothing at all was possible after that. He dreamt that all things within reach, all things he could safely afford to possess for a matter of time. All things could be kept civil and fair and respectful among men and women, and noise could be nothing other than passion or fatigue or the sound of the television or radio talking over us all. But he ceased to dream, nights, and as a result there was little fruit harvested from his sleep nor his analysis of his lifelong situation...when he tried to daydream about those wonderful rides on Miss Engine #9, his visions stalled out or got flooded and voices came to intimidate, not intimate, secrets. The main secret he kept and would not dare repeat to no one, was the one that hollered: not a chance! better chance for a snowball in hell! 

J stowaway by K
If only he could remember how they always slept nights, him a stowaway lying on some bale of hay or coat or cushion or body...the easy gentle swaying like it was growing up to be a rattle some day, side to side sway, when she was working hard as she was. Wasn't she? He could not picture her or his life then, or see himself from outside himself like he used to.

Life moved on past, and still he tried to find her in his dreams but often ended up frustrated or lost...Down the tracks they came. The trains. He revisited worlds that felt slightly different, not enough the same to get his heart beating like that or even close. Slightly new. More Like the thick coat of paint on the depot walls, or the sifted and rinsed white, gray and beige-colored stones from jersey shore, what about them?
What formerly he romanticized to be such a grande labor of love, had now become simply men on work duty as legal repentance, court-ordered to haul rocks.

The trains kept coming to him like crazy, but only to confuse him more. Here now, its twenty eleven! Catch it before it pass you by! Whoops there she goes, Miss Twenty-Eleven, not so thrilled I suspect. Thrashing about as though to break free, on the steady back of Dear Jetstream number 7.


Everything deteriorated as she slipped further from his mind. Replaced with flooded rivers. The unmoored houses, sagging under the weight of alcohol-soaked baby boomer american livers. Worst flooding in Vermont in decades upon decades. The covered bridges almost had their covers blown. Vanilla and chocolate tears escaped tongues and dripped down to the base of ice cream cones. Summer jaws just dropped. All the flippers in the pinball machine -- flopped.

What did he expect? Carbon footprints leave deep imprints in the self-contained atmosphere. Scarring can be seen in the clouds on an otherwise blue sky scan. Earth is on waitlist for a new dome, mandated a month ago by the milky way galactic court on high. No one knows how. No one knows why?

He was losing his reason. But this was less painful this way. He gave it all over to the sky, his love and loss...to the stars, to the gods ands goddesses,  and to the first electric guitar. Cause he saw that there were far more deserving candidates in the system than he. Why should love be returned to him, exactly? why? He had done nothing so great in his life, never ever, no never, never ever at all.

Were Pluto still a planet, she would tell them all what happened next...his question echoed off the tails of shooting stars in the hall. Then started a stir in the astrological order. Mercury tried to filibuster to delay the clock. Greenwich Standard Time got elected Universal Time. And now it was a lock.

The next thing that happened, really happened, they say. She came back to our stowaway, Miss Engine #9. She rolled through the heavens on some Galaxy Rail. And the whole system seemed to fold down at her feet. To honor the love between them, so celebrated for so long by the stowaway, yet forgotten. But they say her approach got him feeling again, recollecting the rhythm, the heartbeat. Some say he was scared and dead tired. But still he got on his feet!

Yellow Billows by Katya
And the universe got to host this reunion so dear. In a place where the politics are typically driven by fear. Some had been bribed. Eight of nine moons of Jupiter failed to vote for themselves. Rumor has it IO (the leader of the contingent) got T-boned in the green room, by elves. Its even been suggested she had solar flares stuffed down her throat.

But whatever was, let it be! Guess what? I could care!
All i know to remember is that love! True love
represented there. Between a stowaway dreamer
and his railway romance, Miss #9, so fair.