Friday, 31 August 2018

2003

i moved to california from chicago and tried to renew my life. i was always trying to find the energy to carry on. you could say i was depressed and reluctant to try antidepressants after all the pills in china failed to help me. i met some good people who helped me get through the day by days. i got a job and sold my house. i bought a truck and read some books. i couldn't write anymore without cocaine and bourbon with milk, believe me, i tried. i had a deep sense of self-betrayal, though i was no longer medicating and destroying myself. a good life was waiting to receive me. but my demons were not done with me. i read some books. they awakened my spirit. i enrolled in a graduate school named after our treasured leader, JFK. i studied transpersonal psychology. i read William James and Carl Jung and Bill Wilson. i wanted to make a difference to even a small community. i had to teach myself how to be responsible all over again. i had to teach myself to be alone and how to write without putting anything in me. just a cup of coffee or tea. i had to find myself all over again. and then have the courage to exist. i still had ten years to go.