Wednesday 22 June 2016

Journal # 06.22.16

you will help me if you are you and do what you do. what carries your signature will be appreciated by a conscious element for the courage to represent. we are not alike nor are we unalike. we both approach the rising sun the same. we both toss and turn on hot summer nights and wait for the mind to situate, before sleep comes to take us away. i have chosen Buddhist mantras to help me quiet my mind to sleep. i have chosen radical acceptance to level my day behind me, so i may rest and coalesce into a peaceful almost unitive being. for then i need not want to fix it. i need not want to change twenty four hour history. i need not want. at all. then can i off into the other world while my body is only breathing. where we have little control over our thoughts and visions and feelings. where i wanna believe something is being worked out to help me get along. in the morning. in my slippers. taking meds. drinking coffee with hazelnut cream and sugar. usually (now at my age) special like disoriented, awkward and shifty, fearless and ready to belt out a nursery rhyme in the shower. in the kitchen. at the top of the stairs whistling down to the boys in the backyard. they come running sometimes like cheetahs across the plains. lovable like this upon waking. not so lovable much later. after the day has grabbed me (and it used to be the other way around and i miss it) and shook me and often shook the life out of me somehow. and i worry will i make it. have i made it? and if i feel i have made it, well, will there be anything more to do? of course, of course, Katya, never mind you! there is always more to do. level your head and get yourself going. pick up the guitar. hit the keyboard. work it out again. you may go through motions, but those motions you go through may also activate you. i wish you the best. sincerely. we all need some help somehow. i know. the world is a mother. keep going. there's something else awaits you. and you never know what that may be, but meaningful and so it's sweet like coffee ground out by hand and touched with a tablespoon of hazelnut cream and several grains of sugar. to make us more fetching, darling and deserving. goodness gracious! we say (like our parents said before us) admiring, so lovable you are.  - xx KatYa

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