Monday 17 August 2015

variations on a bird nest updo

Honey put on your peacoat and galoshes and go out and look for that perfect nest for your updo! Factors for your individual fashion may include matching hair color, texture, length, volume, level of moisture, sheen, quality. For instance, a north american goldfinch nest surely will not do for dreadlocks, unless you are going for shock value or modern art, while the Gray Catbird variety may not well complement an afro, and never ever attempt to situate an Chimney Swift nest atop a Stepford wife variety hairdo. The fashion police will be sure to arrest you!

Be sure to not steal any bird's nest currently inhabited (you can tell if it carries eggs of any colors, is still warm to the touch in the midst of a frost, or has chirping chicks pleading for worms), for if you do you will certainly have your eyes and head pecked upon and you will deserve it! Many a fashionista in the new millenium has lost sight and sound as a result of thirsting after the perfect nest they have found, attempting to hide behind a manmade canopy for the purposes of approaching said nest in possession of a such ruthless fowls as the Cedar Waxwing, Dark-eyed Junco, or Downy Woodpecker. Bloody hell! Find an empty nest somewhere in your backyard or local park or forest, and when you are sure it has been abandoned you may take it into your hands carefully, looking left and right, up and down beforehand, then quickly walk away. After dark may seem like the best time for a nest grab, but this is not so! for the only one who cannot see in the dark, my dear, is yourself!

 Go home and shower and then towel dry and mess up your hair as bad as you can, then hang your head down so you can grab it all up to the top of your crown (or however you yourself prefer to prepare for an updo will do) and hold with one hand as you raise yourself back up to the mirror, with the birds nest now resting on the edge of the sink and blown dry clean of any dried insects or other items momma may have flown home (from rusty nails to hairpins to the nubbins on the edge of notebook paper fallen off the children's backpacks walking to or from school). Of course if there are squirrel nuts in there you know who took advantage, and these nut shells and fragments may be glued to the bottom or sides of any nest for decoration, or otherwise discarded. Do not attempt to return whole nuts to squirrels, or otherwise clean, cook and eat them at your own risk!

What with the clean nest on the porcelain and your hair held up now by one hand in front of the looking glass, my sweet and gorgeous one you are, it is now time to scoop up the nest with the other hand and (firmly now) seat the nest atop the head or slightly to one side if that's your style, and commence with the pins around the circumference to get her situated so she won't fall away and embarrass you in the middle of your tea party. Messy nests are preferred, Hermit Thrush and House Wren nests and so forth, for any branches sticking up from the nest may also serve as natural fasteners coming down upon your head. For close cut hairdos and larger heads and egos à la Miley Cyrus, smaller fowl nests may be preferred for juxtaposition. Utilize a companion or friend to doublecheck your work, and to offer a second pair of eyes in case your taste is bat-crazy! And go out and be lovely, my dear, and one last and critical point! NEVER go to an outdoor party (wedding reception, football tailgate) in the same locale native to the bird whose nest you borrowed or stole, for you will surely attract all the wrong attention!

xxx KatYa xxx

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