Monday 18 October 2010

need u by my side...fragment I

 i was bad off....they thought i wasn't, but i was aware of it....i thought a long time about doing somethin' about it....then i tried ....i had to reruns of the Outsiders....locate patience in my stressed, tired self....sit silently on my knees in front of the virgin mary and the Buddha on the sacred space in one corner of the living room... until i could feel life wasnt so hard....until i figured things out...until circumstance figured me out, ya, i guess sometimes the tide took me strong. but not without a fight.

 i had my r'aison d'etre...full presence through breath, posture, mantra, observation, non-judgment, affirmation.... YES.... various choices at any given moment... and no moment received without moment assumed, no moment a given. every moment i was breathing, every moment i was living.

i found myself often up against some damn ice cold resource department. the freezer.  i was bad off like i said. they demanded rigorous protocol....i could not keep from naturally drawing outside the lines...fucking the receptionist...fucking the receptionists boyfriend... soon i stopped working under such conditions... where others stumbled over words at water fountains in the early nineties air con cubicle societies...i did not want others to feel scared where they worked.

then i got a little lost. Confused in my mind...for days...and my aforementioned working relationship formally ended with a letter informing me of my 'termination'. this was a difficult word to receive. i cried alot. a lot. I cried so much that day. i was lost, ya. lost! 

the feeling became so emotional high tide, delicious after the confines of pseudo walls, plants and personas. my freedom i held dear,  my presence -- my manifold experiences as they presented themselves...this was nothing terminal, no --this was my commencement! i was bad off, yeah, but not like they said, not for their reasons. I was bad off to be there, in concentric circles. In protocol, demanded, for nebulous reasons. The black sheep is known wide, to weather all seasons. 

No more feelings of anxiety & worry & how to be, wu-wei. Feelings of gratitude towards life rolled me in waves --arose in the new space created. Then subsided. Feelings! May you continue on! The streets they are rough... yet look so polished,  end to end. Cold and unfeeling, these streets can be. For some children these sidewalks are warm enough for colored chalk and hopscotch. Jumping over jump ropes and empty bottles of scotch. For some these streets are home. The same city streets after dark they just change. Men walk with knives tied to ankles or wrists. Daylight brings women with shopping lists. Those who do know these streets know to walk slow, chin up. Check out the fresh tags. Stay out of reds and blues. Dress in black and white. Midtone grey. True to you. Let your eyes scan.  Hey, Here comes the dope man! Turn away, turn away, or just stay on course and walk forward. meet them all with fresh eyes. May truth be your mainstay; may compassion be your courage.

SOMA district. san francisco. 7am.

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