un.loved

it was hard to understand. she was carrying on about someone who had refused to apologize for what they had said or done to her. i was trying to listen. spelling her name in the moisture around the glass. my finger made for a terrible pen. there was too much ice and too much sour and not enough whiskey. she went on and on without a care. bartender? you know when it's not your problem and yet you can feel a certain way about it? that's how i felt: unloved. unloved like she was feeling unloved. but what's the big deal, really, to be unloved by another who is incapable of truly loving you?   #katyamills

mark.

she didn't have anything else in the cupboard. she was broke. it wasn't her fault. the manufacturer of the product, there just had to be someone to blame. she cried just looking at the bowl and the cereal floating there and it was useless. nobody should have to go hungry. she was gonna have to eat some goddamn saltine crackers and they had taken on air. she was alive but she felt dead. the phone rang and she did not answer. after a good cry she felt alive again. worth something. no one else would cry for her. mark. he came over and rapped on her window. his name was so sudden. mark. he always wore one of four tee shirts he kept cycling through. he wasn't her type. she wanted the cycle to end. he got her to smile, doing a hop and a dance and a low bow like she was a princess. ya. the queen of the broken-hearted. he tugged at her until she stood up. she threw the bowl at the sink. the smell was horrific. mark picked it up and started to make sounds like an engine that won't turn over, but human. let's get out of here. we can walk to the park. i'll get you an ice cream. this made her sick. she couldn't stand the thought of anything milk related. stop it mark. you can't help me. it's hopeless. i'm a lost cause. a lost cause! a lost cause! you're my little lost cause! he sang. he had to make everything into a goddamn song. 

#katyamills

10.4

ten four and i woke battered by terrors and found solace in the humming creature guarding me by the edge of the bed. i gotta get up and get going because i gotta keep the trains running on time. coffee. work. listening to people. letting their emotions run all through. some time later maybe i will have a chance to fall apart. so i can come back solid and do it all over again tomorrow.  #katyamills

industrious

i cannot sit quietly and pick my own

pockets i search the search engines

i walk the streets

when i don't have a job i keep busy

looking for one

i descended from Germans

who once were tasked to keep the trains 

running on time

#katyamills

october

the nights now lengthen 

its shadow greater than the earth itself

some vitality ascends to meet the cool

the geese have returned 

the children in school

our friendships they

strengthen

#katyamills

type

they started typing though they had nothing quite ready to say and no story to tell but they just began and as they listened to the keys under pressure of the fingers it became a sort of song, it had a cadence that was nice and to keep the rhythm going all they had to do was keep pushing any thoughts arising into the keys, and, after some adjustment, the pressure abated and it became more natural. sometimes you don't think you have anything to say but they it's like releasing a bull from a pen and it just storms out of there bucking. all the thoughts and feelings that have been stored up over the years suddenly cannot stop. it felt good to release it all and they would not stop for nothing, full bore, no breaks, no getting a glass of water or blowing a nose or answer the phone or anything. no stretching no standing up no looking away. gotta keep that cadence that rhythm, keep the pressure on those keys ... and the headache soon abandoned the scene for somewhere else ... and the heaviness in the heart dissipated ... and the darkness behind the eyes let in some light. finally.    #katyamills

what was comin

having done bad things

they were known by many names 

they knew. most stood up 

even if they fought off

a few

they could dye their hair 

a hundred shades of blue

swallow a hundred ales

generous at the bar 

with me and you

by closing time 

never fails

you could toss a coin 

head or tails

kicked around  

they lip split open 

shouted down

they got what was comin

it's true

#katyamills